Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my ex

38 replies

evie38 · 02/10/2010 19:07

im need of advice. my ex has gone back with his girlfriend. we have both got kids by him. when he comes pick the baby up. he tries it on with me and offers sex. when he pisses me off. i tell her. i know i shopuldnt of done that. i was pissed of. but she thinks im a crank who likes causing trouble.obviously told her alot of crap.he makes out to people im this crazy, cranky horrible person and he s this nice person. he s one for playing games, how do u treat people like this. i just feel angry, cos i feel he s won. please help .xx

OP posts:
IUsedToBeFab · 02/10/2010 19:08

How has he won? Do you sleep with him?

ivykaty44 · 02/10/2010 19:09

distance yourself and stop hime coming in your home - make a new life and close the door as far as you can on your old life

singingmum · 02/10/2010 19:09

Have a tape recorder handy or a vid camera hidden and record him doing this then he'll get what it sounds like he deserves

deste · 02/10/2010 19:14

This sounds like something from Jeremy Kyle. Dont rise to his behaviour. Have resect for yourself.

Original poster
evie38 · 02/10/2010 19:15

but why does he want people to think im crazy, i tell lies and im a complete crank. he plays mind games saying he s happy in his relationship. she doesnt have a go like i do, doesnt give him a hard time. makes out he s in this perfect relationship. x

OP posts:
Original poster
evie38 · 02/10/2010 19:16

tell me about it. theres load more. ha ha.

OP posts:
deste · 02/10/2010 19:40

He is insecure thats why.

deste · 02/10/2010 19:41

Whoever is telling you these things tell them you are not interested because they are not helping you.

ValiumSingleton · 02/10/2010 19:44

Evie, he sounds a real prize. NOT.

I agree with pp who said that you should distance yourself from him. If you have on mutual acquaintances then it really doesn't matter what he tells to whom.

Pity the mother of his other child. I mean, just that sentence in itself gives a clue to what you've 'lost'.

Original poster
evie38 · 02/10/2010 20:19

if he 's so happy in his relationship why is he trying it on with me and why do u think he makes out im the bad guy. when i have a go at him. i have been over the top. how do be so calm around him when he just goes out of his way to wind me up..x

OP posts:
uptomyeyesinit · 02/10/2010 20:34

Are you with my ex Evie?? lol

My ex is exactly the same. I could have written yr posts. If he's not trying it on, he's winding me up, then back to saying how good we'd be together again.

He also tells me I am a loon, has told his new g/f I am a raging loon, and tells me how brilliant things are between him and new girlfriend.

Here's what's really going on IMVHO:

He knows you are not a loon.
He has told his girlfriend nasty things about you because he doesn't want his girlfriend to realise he was responsible for it going wrong.
He has probably told his girlfriend that you want him back.
He needs somewhere to go or someone to turn to when it all goes wrong with his girlfriend (which it inevitably will) as soon as she realises what a twat he is.

uptomyeyesinit · 02/10/2010 20:37

Just out of interest Evie, How many times has he gone from this girlfriend to you then back to his girlfriend again?

PS: His girlfriend probably doesn't believe you when you say he offers you sex. She believes him!!

Would you take him back again if he left her?

What do you think of his girlfriend??

Original poster
evie38 · 02/10/2010 20:49

she comes across very calm, that she doesnt raise her voice. when i have spoken to her on the phone she sounds nice. i havent met her face to face. cos he has said so many lies. i dont really know. i think he has dumped me twice to be with her. i dont think i can take him back after what he has done. but to be honest i still love him. x

OP posts:
uptomyeyesinit · 02/10/2010 20:55

Bizarrely, my ex's girlfriend is also calm and collected, seems a really good person. She is serenity personified. She drinks green tea and is a vegetarian. She does more than I did around the house.

Incidentally, why does your ex keep bouncing from you to her and back again?
How long do you expect him to be with new girlfriend before he reunites with you again?

Original poster
evie38 · 02/10/2010 20:59

oh thanks for ur advice. well he was sleeping with her while i was pregnant and made out he wanted to be with me. then left me when my baby was 2 days old. went back to her and got her pregnant. he must tell her all kinds. when he winds me up. i act on it. i get hi rate. i want to stop. just dont want to give him the satisfaction.. one bank holiday weekend i went out , he was looking after my son at his mothers.( dont know why he was at mums) texting me while i was out. but werent really responding. then he tex me saying. its ur choice to be a single parent or be a family. then when he droped the baby of. he turned round and said. it wasnt suppose to be for me. thats the sort of thing he does. plus ask me if i met anyone when i go out. xx

OP posts:
uptomyeyesinit · 02/10/2010 21:11

I understand how you feel, I could quite cheerfully strangle my ex at times. Of course he knows how to push your buttons IYSWIM. He has known you a long time by the sounds of it.

I don't think men like this change.

Keep him at the door, make conversation short and sweet then blow a fuse when he's gone. Have as little to do with him as possible and keep all discussions to the DC. If he has left you for this woman, he's got no right to ask you what you are up to unless it affects your DC.

Honestly, I'd have the attitude that she is welcome to him. He wont change and you deserve so much better.

FWIW, I don't get the impression you are done with him yet, but that's just my opinion.

Original poster
evie38 · 02/10/2010 21:13

can u give me advice on why does he do this. he chose to be with her. my mates say he wants me to be miserable so no one will have me. cos when he met i always had a smile on my face. a bunch of joy. now im a miserable, depressed and wingy woman. ha ha

OP posts:
Original poster
evie38 · 02/10/2010 21:16

what do u mean. im not done with him. what im going to get more shit from him. oh no. can i ask why do u think that. x

OP posts:
uptomyeyesinit · 02/10/2010 21:22

Have you told him you want to work things out with him again?

Have you taken up his offers of sex?

Does he want to get back together with you?

IME, men are usually nasty towards their ex and complimentary about their new girlfriends to somehow deflect the blame for the problems in the old relationship onto the ex (ie: you). He wants to convince you that it was all your fault so you and his new girlfriend are duped into believing it was never him. This makes him appear a good 'catch' and as such he has the pick of two women.

He is also probably angry with you if you are trying to blame him for the break up, and he probably tries to justify what he did by blaming you somehow.

uptomyeyesinit · 02/10/2010 21:25

When I say 'You are not done with him.', what I mean is that you give the impression that this will not be his last chance with you. You might give him another chance, because I think you still love him (although for the love of God I can't work out why.)

What is it you love about him?

Original poster
evie38 · 02/10/2010 21:33

i ve never said to him i want to work things out, but i think he knows i still love him. i dont try it on with him, but he does with me. havent gone near him under a year. i kissed him and .......... but havent slept with him. he hasnt said he wants me back. well he tex me that message when i was out. then retracted it next day by saying it was for his girlfriend. talking about nhis girlfriend. he s been with her for 8 years, left her for me and then went back to her.

when u said why do i love him. i dont know myself to be honest. ha ha. the thing is he isnt even nice. ha ha. xx

OP posts:
uptomyeyesinit · 02/10/2010 21:45

How long has this on/off thing been going on then?

I understand he's been with her for 8 years, and left you twice to go back to her. Was he with her first?

What a sad situation for you OP.

When you say he's not even nice, what is he like?

Original poster
evie38 · 02/10/2010 21:56

yeah he was with her first. what i dont understand. she knows he s lied and cheated with her, but why take him back. cos when she was pergnant. we were sleeping together. i know i know. ha ha. is it to piss me off. my ex is 5'8, bald and short. the sex isnt all that. i just have to sit next to him. he gets a hard on.ha ha. im not even naked. ha ha.

OP posts:
uptomyeyesinit · 02/10/2010 23:40

She takes him back for the same reasons you do I suppose. She believes his version of events, that he wasn't wholly responsible for his actions, because either she drove him to cheat and leave her, or it was you who seduced him. She believes he will change. FWIW I believe she is wasting her time. He wont change. Men like him never do.

Did he contribute financially when he lived with you?
Does he pay maintenance for your DC now?

purpleduck · 02/10/2010 23:52

You don't love him - he's a habit and a known quantity.
Sounds like you are both better off without him.

You are just going to work yourself up, and make yourself ill by worrying about why he does what he does. He just does. Let it go. When you learn to ignore the shit he's giving you, he may crank it up for a while, but then he will stop. You are wasting soooo much energy wondering what is going on in his head. Do you not have better uses for that energy? You must be exhausted. :(

You just have to treat his garbage like water off a duck's back.