Fantastic article on SIGNs of AFFAIRs in times

[BadgersArse]

And you should all read it. Body and soul section

Link?

You can't link to Times online any more - it is subscribe only, so yu'd have to buy.

BadgersArse, do you work for the Times by any chance?

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Andrew G Marshall
Last updated October 2 2010 12:01AM
From keep-fit regimes to credit card bills - what to watch out for if you think you?re partner is cheating on you
He?s more unlikely to be unfaithful if:
He?s 43 My research shows this is the age when a man in a long-term relationship is most likely to cheat. The likelihood of being unfaithful is only slightly increased by living together rather than being married.
He?s been in a relationship for five or twenty-four years When couples are not properly committed by the fifth anniversary, there is often a problem. Men are notorious for not talking about their dissatisfaction and instead begin a ?parallel? relationship. Another crunch time for men is coming up to a silver wedding anniversary; if the marriage has been categorised more by companionship rather than passion, he might fear this is his last chance to be sexually fulfilled.
He has two children under five After a woman has a baby, it takes about 18 months for her body to reach a hormonal equilibrium again. During this period, she will be sexually responsive but not spontaneously horny. If the second child arrives before her hormones are back in balance, and there is a prolonged period of being ?off? sex, her partner could think she no longer finds him attractive and feel justified in seeking solace elsewhere.
It?s six to 12 months after a parent?s death Around six months after a death, the worst of the shock and grief has worn off and everyone expects to be back to normal. Men often don?t realise that their continuing unhappiness is a natural part of the bereavement process and opt for the adrenaline boost of an affair.
The first child has gone off to university The number one reason new students access university welfare services is that their parents are splitting up. Couples with good enough sex lives use the newly-quiet house to rediscover each other, but others discover their love has faded.
He?s promoted With more people running after him, he is more likely to feel entitled to having his whims pandered to; it?s only a short step from here to a mistress. The extra stress could also make him more likely to drink too much or take recreational drugs which blurs the line between harmless flirting and infidelity.
He?s made redundant For many men, losing a job is like losing a limb. Many become depressed and spend hours on the computer where a cyber-affair provides a welcome but deadly distraction .
There are previously unresolved incidents of infidelity Most affairs are a misguided way of trying to tell a partner that you?re unhappy. Unfortunately after the initial crisis has been survived, couples fall back into their old ways. At this point, many men feel their relationship is doomed and are vulnerable to a ?self-medication? affair ? where only the comfort of a third person makes their marriage bearable.
Six tell-tale signs that he?s cheating
1 He?s talking about someone else a lot ? even though it might be running her down.
2 He?s spouting new opinions. Could they possibly belong to someone else?
3 There?s a dramatic change in your love life. He has either lost interest or conversely is much keener (possibly to compensate for feeling guilty).
4 He?s launched a keep-fit regime and is more interested in his appearance.
5 Credit card statements and other bills ? which could raise awkward questions ? keep on disappearing.
6 Your guts are telling you something does not add up. His excuses stretch all credibility.
She?s more unlikely to be unfaithful if:
She?s 37 This the most common age for a woman in a long-term relationship to be unfaithful. Women, in my research, are better at deception than men and they are more likely to confess than be found out. On average, a woman?s affair lasts six months.
She?s been in her relationship for five or twenty-four years Five years is the point when women stop wondering if their partner will ever be ready to settle down and start looking at other options. Women are also vulnerable at this point if they decided to ?settle? rather than hold out for love. Women are less vulnerable at twenty-four years than men but they too can feel unappreciated and in need of an ego boost.
She has two children under five Although sex is often the last thing on a woman?s mind, if she?s on duty twenty-four seven with two small children, it would still be nice to feel appreciated. They long for the chance to be themselves instead of someone?s mother.
Six to twelve months after a parent?s death Women are just as vulnerable to an affair after a bereavement as men. However, they are more likely to carry resentment if they felt unsupported by their partner and will sometimes be tempted earlier into an affair than a man in the same situation.
She has a new job A new job means new work colleagues. Women are more vulnerable than men to an ?accidental? affair where ?friends? find they have feelings for each other.
She?s going to a school reunion Women keep in touch with old friends and are more likely to sign up for a reunion. This can make her compare her life with her friends ? and be dissatisfied. It makes her nostalgic for the girl she used to be and reintroduces old boyfriends.
There is a ticking time bomb in the relationship Sometimes when a man crosses a line a woman will switch off her affection but decide not leave straight away. Instead she will bide her time. Under these circumstances, she is particularly vulnerable to an ?exit? affair and a man who provides the confidence or the support to seek a divorce.
The first child has gone off to university Women are also vulnerable to empty nest syndrome although as many have made the decision to return to work they may be less likely to think an affair will be the solution.
Six tell-tale signs that she?s crossed the line
1 One of her friends is supposedly having a crisis and she?s forever having to go round and ?cheer her up?.
2 She doesn?t want you to pick her up after a girls? night on the town.
3 She keeps her phone/blackberry by her side at all times or stays up late ?to check my emails?.
4 She provides reassurance that you didn?t ask for: ?You know how I feel about lying?.
5 She can?t look you in the eye and her hands keep flying up to her mouth. These are classic signs of lying.
6 Her moods are all over the place. She gets angry for no particular reason or takes out her temper on the children.
Andrew G Marshall is a marital therapist and author of How can I ever trust you again? Infidelity from discovery to recovery. (Bloomsbury)
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Is c&p from the the Times illegal?

no im a teacher!

I'm 37 and DP is 43, and we've been together five years- should I be worried?

Did anyone think to meantion to him that a mother with extreme tiredness is likely to have mood swings and get angry for now apparant reason?

According to all that, anybody with any normal life situation can have an affair and come up with a plausible excuse.

Bof, only if you're not married I think.

Imagine reading that article when you were 37 dh was 43, you had 2 children under 5 and a parent had recently died. Throw into the mix a new job and a school reunion and it's practically compulsory!

Nice one, Alouise, thanks!
I reckon his points are sound. What he's basically saying is that life changes make partners more vulnerable to affairs. Which is true. He has to pad it out a lot more than that, obviously, as there's not much of a market for one-line books

Thanks Alouiseg for cutting and pasting.

BA, my ex was a Narcissist - like your H, iirc. I can tell you how he felt about his affair - that is, the one I left him over, not the smaller ones before that He was so full of himself, he genuinely believed I would agree to share him - and that OW would, as well, despite the fact that I was pregnant. I don't know if yours is like mine: it's true that these Narcs follow a startlingly similar pattern, but obviously there are individualities within that.

He loved me. When asked, he said he loved me because I loved him. I had to really nag to get him to acknowledge any of my positive qualities, though he said I was docile - he meant obedient. We'd been together 12 years, since we were students, and had 'made it' by all appearances. We had a stylish, exciting life together and separately.

I was the only person, in our new lives, who'd known him since our struggling days: we shared the same 12-year-old in-jokes, mutual friends back home, and the understanding that comes from shared ideals & ambitions. Also, being "docile", I'd taken on all of his obsessions from arcane elctro-funk, through art & architecture, to football and Nazi paraphernalia Nobody knew him like I did. And, since we shared all his interests and jokes, I was ever so much like him so he knew "me". I didn't really know myself at all. We were immensely good friends, partners and lovers - though I'd been faking the sex for a few years (it was all about him, natch).

In Jo, the OW, he thought he'd found a similarly docile, adoring replacement. She was his PA [rolleyes] so appeared to look up to him: worshipping his every move, as it were. She rapidly learned all the in-jokes and added a few of her own. She was thinner than me, so wore the mandatory designer gear better than frazzled, pregnant old me. She was also kinkier than me sexually. Alan felt that - while I was his 'soulmate' (as if he had a soul, haha) - she enhanced his life in terms of sensual pleasures, appearance and newness. It wasn't about Jo being better than me, it was more a case of him doubling his adoring fan club.

If you're interested, she stopped hanging off his every word after two years, so he booted her out. Obviously he thought I'd want him back then

What happened about the baby, Grace?

Miscarried. Quite impressively [argh] as it happened - I was in the pub, discussing reconciliation with him
Thank you for asking, Annie.

So sorry to hear that Grace x

My estranged started his affair a year after his father died.

Grace -- sorry to hear about the baby.

So true about 'soulmate'...

hey if I am the BA to whom you refer id like to suggest i havse nO marital difficulties of which i am aware :)

That's all a bit depressing considering most of us have been with our partners for between 5 and 24 years, are in our mid 30's to mid 40's, have, or have had 2 children under 5, our parents are dropping like flies, loads of us have expererienced redundancy, we are all hooking up with old friends via social networking a sites and my eldest is just applying to university, nad my moods are all over the place (always have been.)

Is there anyone out there for whom none of those categories apply?

BadgersArse, I think she was referring to Bagyagy??!

I think we're over the hump then,

young children, check.
New hobbies, check.
Redundancies, more than once, check (in fact a massive life change when DH left the Air force).
Death of parents, check, we only have one out of the four left now.
Child starting Uni, check. She's in her 2nd year now so I think we're safe.
We're now both past the age of 43.

So basically, any life event for any reason can make you prone to an affair.

Nothing to do with a vain and weak willed partner who doesn't remember their marriage vows then, obviously .

not sure Malificence have you braved the post silver anniversary crisis yet? That'll be next you know. Still several down and only one to go, so you're doing well!!!!

We've already had our silver anniversary, thanks for the concern.

I'm surprised that a major health scare or cancer treatment isn't part of the list tbh.
That's got to make a person re-evaluate their life.