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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting even, feeling better?

37 replies

BaggyAgy · 02/10/2010 13:04

Hi, I have had a philandering H for many years. He had secrets from me, lied and cheated for years. H laughed at me when I tried to confront him. We are now separated, but still see each other on times. I am sure he pities me and sees me as his victim. I have tried living well as a form of revenge, and indeed to a large extent I am happy. BUt, I would still love to get even. I contemplated having an affair so that I too, had a secret, but I am too nervous. I no longer trust men. Under the influence of a little wine, I even contemplated paying for sex. I realised that I was only doing this to "get even" and that I would probably really hate the experience. Am I wrong? Has anyone done this? I don't want to be pitied by him.

OP posts:
newwave · 02/10/2010 13:12

Your seperated, go and have super sweaty sex, you dont need to trust the man just fuck him. Sex is an act of love but lust is great as well, treat it as your right.

As for the H the best you could do is go to the gym get super fit, buy great clothes, diet (if you need to) and throw your new found "greatness" in his face.

GO GIRL GO

Philosykos · 02/10/2010 13:12

Getting even only works if it has the same effect on the other person. If you ex pities you and looks down on you, you having sex with someone else (which wouldn't be cheating, would it, as you are seperated), isn't going to change that. I doubt he'd care if he knew and he certainly wouldn't be destroyed. If he cared about you the way a good loving partner should he wouldn't've treated you the way he did, so nothing you do will affect him as his actions affected you.

I know it's a cliche but time will be your revenge - you'll continue to be happy, getting happier, living a full and honest life with people who care about you around you. Your ex will only ever be him - a liar, a cheat.

In the meantime, is there anything you've always wanted to do but haven't because of time/money/family constraints? I saved up £10 a week (all I could afford), for five years for mine - I hugged that secret to myself for all of that time, and it made a big difference.

Original poster
BaggyAgy · 02/10/2010 20:45

Thanks, I think the gym and some new clothes, and who knows....

OP posts:
IUsedToBeFab · 02/10/2010 20:48

Having sex to get even is ridiculous. How will that be getting even? If you were still married it wouldn't be even as you would be doing it to piss him off when really you will just have sold yourself short. If you want a shag, have one but don't give your h another thought.

Original poster
BaggyAgy · 02/10/2010 20:50

Philosykos what did you buy with the £2600 you saved up?

I think my ex would be upset if I found someone else, he envies people who are happy. I wish I was a better person and didn't want some revenge, but if I am truthful I do. I have moments of real anger about his behaviour, and mine for tolerating it.

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 02/10/2010 22:29

BA, I wish you'd allow yourself to feel more of the anger, instead of trying to understand him. I posted a reply to you on the 'reasons for affairs' thread, but now realise my post will have little resonance for you.

You have been VERY badly treated by all the men in your life, including your H. I understand about wanting to believe there's something you could do to change the past and/or rewrite the future (it's defined the main part of my own life!) But the road to peace begins with accepting the present facts. You can go a great many places from there, but never back. Your 'back' and mine were quite shitty, really: why would one wish to go back?

You will be free when you're living all your present moments and don't give a damn how H feels about anything. I'm delighted to hear you're well enough to consider the gym! Congratulations :) Good health is promoted by inner peace, not resentment. A good dose of justified anger can be quite motivating, though Wink

Original poster
BaggyAgy · 02/10/2010 22:57

Thanks Grace, you are of course, right. I did take your earlier reply very seriously, for which big "thank you". Sometimes my thoughts still go round in circles. Two steps forward and one back as it were. Saturday night, alone, is not a good time. On balance, I am making progress and I am happy. Truth is that I am recovering my health, whilst ex-H is losing his. I certainly didn't wish that on him, but it is a sort of come-uppance I suppose.

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 02/10/2010 23:09

Blimey, BA, it's a spectacular comeuppance! Not that I'd wish ill-health on anyone, but still ... Wink

Philosykos · 02/10/2010 23:19

It was just over five grand and I got a breast reduction.

Footlong · 03/10/2010 00:18

You will never be 'even' as long as he upsets you enough that you still make lifestyle choices based around how he effects you.
Move on, in baby steps if you have to, but dont try and get 'even', because the acts required to get even arent coming from you, they are coming from an 'old you'.

The biggest revenge you can ever have will be to no longer care in the lsightest what he is doing. Might take awhile.. but it will be sweet and very refreshing.

Footlong · 03/10/2010 00:20

You have been VERY badly treated by all the men in your life, including your H.

Have I missed a post where she said all the men in her life have been mean to her?

ItsGraceAgain · 03/10/2010 00:34

BA's a regular. There's a search button at the top right of the page, if you ever think of looking before having a go.

Original poster
BaggyAgy · 03/10/2010 10:35

Philosykos, brilliant, are you pleased with the result?

Yes, I suppose I am a regular. Does that make me seriously sad? I have a lot or real life friends too. MN really helped me deal with my ex-h infidelity and gave me the courage to leave, and the sense to realise that it was the right thing to do. Sometimes it seemed better not to involve family and friends in RL. I had some telephone counselling, but if anything MN is better. There is a wide range of opinion, some relevant and some not, but it makes me think constructively.

OP posts:
moocowme · 03/10/2010 12:45

the best way to get even is to show them that you are soooooo much happier without them and life is so much better.

i found it very funny that my local tv station and newspaper kept putting in pics and film about me and things i had done and kept using this as footage for other things as well. it went on for a few years. ex always told me i was hopless and could not do naything or get on with anyone so was not allowed to leave the house. all that changed when he was left and i found it was so untrue. he had to see smiley happy pics of me for years.

Philosykos · 03/10/2010 17:22

BaggyAgy, yeah, it is better than I ever thought possible. Not that I am saying a breast reduction is the answer to anyone's problems but the process of deciding to do it, saving up (slowly!), for it, organising and then doing it was one of the most satisfying of my life (first time I had done something totally for me, I think!) AND the end result is pretty fantastic too.

So if there's anything you want to do - go to Mexico, skydiving, learn to scuba dive, anything - which might do the same for you, I recommend it! And the process of thinking about it and working out a way of making it happen (even far in the future), might help you feel you are doing something NOW iyswim? Because most of the really good stuff will take time and that can be v frustrating, I do know.

Original poster
BaggyAgy · 03/10/2010 19:16

Philosykos I am so happy for you. I have been learning a very obscure language just for the fun of it. I never had time before, but a bit of cosmetic surgery wouldn't go amiss.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/10/2010 22:05

Hi Baggy

The best way to get "even" is to get indifferent to what your ex-husband thinks

I find it interesting that you still frame yourself as having sex with someone else as an "affair"

you are no longer with your husband, right ?

so what you do is your own business, right ?

not an affair

I totally understand your wish for revenge (I have had a bit of an MN epiphany of my own in the last few days)....but while what he thinks of you occupies your thoughts to this extent, there is only ongoing control of you, by him

let it go, properly, that is the best revenge

Original poster
BaggyAgy · 04/10/2010 09:18

Hi AnyFucker, missed you. I know you said on a previous thread that I was obsessing over my ex. I thought about that long and hard. I then realised that like WWIFN who wants to know every single last detail of her H's affair and recommends that approach for recovery. In order to heal and move on, I need to understand the behaviour, rather than know every detail. On a different note, my late Mother was very cruel. When I learnt about Personality Disorders, and recognised her behaviour, I was finally able to understand her, and move on with some measure of forgiveness. For me understanding behaviour is essential and probably the means to moving on. I know he still occupies my thoughts and I am not happy about that. I bet he seldom gives me a thought.

I am glad you understand my wish for revenge. I'm really NOT proud of it. However, I think his health reverse may provide it. (What comes around, goes around). Instead of me being the unhappy lonely sick one, it is him.) If he is unable to work and earn megabucks, he will be far less attractive to the women he attempts to dazzle.

What was your epiphany AF? Do tell..

Phylosykos, what a lovely story. How brilliant to have done that. I am so proud of you. Thanks to you, my diet starts today

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/10/2010 12:53

Hi Baggy. Thanks for missing me...like you miss a thorn in your side, eh ? Wink

From my own point of view, if you manage to repair your relationship after infidelity I can see how knowing every intricate detail of how/why it happened would be useful. So that you can both understand the signs for the future together. And to gain some closure, that there are no further nasty surprises to be had, along the line.

But if your intimate partnership with your husband is over, obsessing after a certain amount of time (to me) seems unhealthy. It will prevent you from moving on.

Your idea that you having sex with someone else would be "an affair" and you would still be very mindful of what he thinks about it is evidence of that. You cannot move on in this mindset.

Evil as it is, I do believe in karma. Or at least, I have a nod towards it when you tell me how your husband's life is likely to pan out now. I call it poetic justice.

However the epiphany I have had in the last few days was on Pfft's thread (I dunno if you read it). I realised I am a punitive person (not in a good way). Some things said on that thread gave me a little pause for thought, and an adjustment.

Anyway, this isn't about me, this is about you. Smile And I think you need to work on disentangling your emotions from your husband.

DrunkenDaisy · 04/10/2010 14:11

I personally felt a lot better after delivering a swift karate chop to ExDH.

He has also never called me a rude name again (not to my face anyway).

Original poster
BaggyAgy · 04/10/2010 17:31

Hi AF, "poetic justice" is a much nicer term than "just deserts" or "come uppance"

I am finding it so difficult to move on as I am so angry, and want to express it by revenge, if I am honest. Not until I read MN did I realise how badly I had been treated. He convinced me that what were in fact inappropriate relationships/ emotional affairs were okay, because he maintained that nothing physical had happened. I accepted that for so long, but reluctantly. Now I am not sure if I even believe him. What does one do with anger? I want him to suffer as I did. I am not really very nice, I wish I were. How does one forgive? I probably don't know the half of what went on for 20 odd years.

In all other respects I am a decent human being.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/10/2010 17:37

I am sure you are

And your feelings of unresolved anger are perfectly understandable

You took a long time to realise how badly you were treated, so it will take a long time for you to de-construct all that denial you lived in and re-set all that bargaining you did, for years and years

It ain't gonna happen overnight

I hope you meet someone else, very soon, because I think that would help greatly)

Would making a voodoo doll of him and sticking pins in it help ? Smile

Original poster
BaggyAgy · 04/10/2010 17:42

Doll in preparation!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/10/2010 17:45

Can I do one too ?

Supercherry · 04/10/2010 20:10

Actually, understanding his behaviour (without going to him for answers) can be empowering.

If cheating is abusive, and I believe it is, then understanding why a man is abusive reiterates the fact that you are not to blame, you have done nothing wrong.

Knowledge is power. Usually, abusive behaviours are learnt behaviours. Your ex cheated on you because he has no respect for women. His attitude to women is one of superiority. He most likely learnt this attitude via his upbringing- how did his dad treat his mum? What male role models did he have? Even if it's not obvious that it was his upbringing that shaped his attitude to women, you only have to look at our patriarchal society to see where else he could have learnt his behaviours.

It wouldn't have mattered what you did, he would have cheated on you anyway. He will cheat on the next person he is with because he feels entitled to do so. Doesn't sound much of a catch now does he?