Getting even, feeling better?

[BaggyAgy]

Hi, I have had a philandering H for many years. He had secrets from me, lied and cheated for years. H laughed at me when I tried to confront him. We are now separated, but still see each other on times. I am sure he pities me and sees me as his victim. I have tried living well as a form of revenge, and indeed to a large extent I am happy. BUt, I would still love to get even. I contemplated having an affair so that I too, had a secret, but I am too nervous. I no longer trust men. Under the influence of a little wine, I even contemplated paying for sex. I realised that I was only doing this to "get even" and that I would probably really hate the experience. Am I wrong? Has anyone done this? I don't want to be pitied by him.

AF anything. I think it is the years of being told I was imagining things that does it for me. I knew something was not right, but he laughed at me and denied and denied and denied. I had never heard the phrase "emotional affair". So many colleagues have pitied me. I was humiliated for so long, and I'm generally no fool. It really rankles. How do I overcome that?

Baggy...you loved him.

You don't need to explain that away.

You had other RL stuff going on. You clung to the one constant in your life. Even though he was fucking you up, there is comfort in what you know.

Listen love, when you first posted you were very messed-up. Honestly, a bit of a basket-case (apologies to basket-cases, but Baggy knows what I mean)

I think I told you to get help, many times, as did others.

But you have come on such a lot. You talk sense now, when you didn't before. You offer good, solid support for others on lots of threads. You are gaining insight an that is a good thing, but it is bound to rankle

Don't look back, look to now and forward

You ain't dead yet and there is lots more for you to do.

You can't tell yourself to get over it, it will happen without you really noticing it. But I bet others are noticing it...am I right ?

BA's a regular. There's a search button at the top right of the page, if you ever think of looking before having a go.

I asked a fairly simple question. But your form seems to be to make snide replies. I am not going to look up every single post by every single poster I reply to. Congrats if you have the time to do that.

Yes AF, apart from the venting I do on MN, I pretty much ignore it. Generally, I have achieved a good measure of happiness. MN has been unbelievably enlightening. One year ago I was in pieces. I have told almost no one in RL, so I don't know if they have noticed a difference. I told my best friend, and If anything, I regret it. She half knew, which made me feel foolish.

Supercherry, I do believe understanding is empowering. If nothing else it will help me to NOT make the same mistakes again, or accept the same behaviour again. I hope I will recognise unacceptable behaviour early, in any relationship.

Baggy...maybe talking to people in RL will help you

It cannot be healthy to bottle it all up ??

Don't let one bad experience of a reaction from one person put you off...maybe that person had issues of her own

AF, you may well be right. I really feel that all the stress of my exH behaviour, led to my health breaking down, spectacularly. I tend not to trust people in RL. I couldn't trust my mother with secrets as she would store them up and use them against me at a later date. When I told my best friend she started to tell me about my exH flirting with/eyeing up, her. It blighted that friendship a bit. It underlined my humiliation. Besides, she started giving me advice and getting upset if I didn't take it immediately. I know she meant well, and we are still best friends, but I avoid the subject now.

aww, best friends can be too close, you know and I bet she thought she was helping, tbh

that is why you found MN helpful...it's kinda impartial

true

The voodoo doll idea has legs. I once burned a business card of a really unpleasant former colleague, a card which he had boastingly handed to another colleague (who was better at concealing her abhorrence for him, and had pretended she was interested). It was a great trashing of his symbolic pride (new job apparently = he was "wanted"), and a bonding experience with colleagues who had hated the nasty atmosphere he generated. If your ex was such an all-round bastard, he must have pissed off a few other people, for example underlings who were disgusted with his behaviour and wished they could do something about it, friends who could do nothing to stop him, either. A big, drunken bitchfest, in which you share juicy secrets (you would be Queen Bee of such a party) might be a bit of fun, and feel like revenge (mockery is toxic for people like that) and have the effect of catharsis for you and the other people whose lives he made worse.

Hope this helps? Please don't feel embarrassed to have trusted him, and to still be hung up on him. You are a normal human being, and why should you assume people are shits?

Brilliant pluperfect. Yes a lot of people really dislike him. There would be enough for a huge party. I might look bitter though. I probably won't do it, but the thought has made me smile. Only I, and all of MN would know about the doll. You are so right about mockery. He is so good at mocking others, a real artist, but is devastated when mocked himself. How did you know that? Thanks too for the permission to still be hung up on him. He was there for nearly half my life. But I am moving on.

On a similar note, a friend of mine was dumped by her H of many years. He had an aversion to dogs. She had always wanted one. She was a bit nervous of living alone so bought a very large dog, called him by her exH's first name and let it sleep in her bed. He was appalled to be replaced , as he saw it, by a German Shepherd. In time she saw her exH's departure as a new beginning for her too. She took up swimming to get into shape, met a fellow swimmer 9 years her junior, and they are now an item. She was in pieces at first, but no longer.

I love that story, Baggy

Ohh, I do like the story about the dog, particularly the name and where it slept!

As for the party, you sound as though you need a few good parties anyway, so why not invite some people and see what happens? Even if you don't discuss Xwanker,
(a) you will have a good time
(b) excluding him will be good for you
(c) a bitter person isn't a good host/ess, but the distraction of hosting will prove to you and everyone else that you are fun and attentive to others' needs - in fact, a nice person.
(d) if he hears about the party, he will be gutted, and it may teach him that he needs to be a decent human being in order to have friends who will come for a party, rather than just meeting in town for a pissup after work (for which any old wanker will do as a drinking buddy). Going to someone's party is a mark of friendship and commitment.