Am I being precious or does he really not care?

[Kushanku]

I started college on the same week that OH had a week off work. I got the bus every morning in pissing down rain and not once did he offer to give me a lift in the car. The car (which I pay half towards upkeep and petrol every month) was left redundant on the driveway for a week. I wasn't "allowed" to take it in case he "needed" it - he didn't want to be stranded at home (you know, like I was every day before starting college). Never offered to pick me up or anything.

Thing is, as I do contribute half cost of the car the agreement was that I could use it 50% during the week, I just take him to work and pick him up after work. It doesn't inconvenience him at all. But my time with the car is getting less and less, he never lets me use it anymore. He's even insisting on taking me to work on a weekend and picking me up "incase" he needs the car whilst I'm at work. I get Thursdays and Fridays off college every week. Last week I asked him if I could use the car Thursday. He pondered it and then said "but you wanted it saturday too, I thought you were taking DS swimming?" I said "I am" so he said "so you want it Thursday AND saturday??" ffs 2 days in an entire week when I'm paying half towards the cost of the bloody thing??

Since I started college I have attracted upwanted attention from a bloke who has taken it upon himself to follow me around, make sure he's sat RIGHT next to me in class, pesters me for my phone number, pesters me to allow him to buy me coffee - I told him I'm married - doesn't put him off. I told OH who starts ffing and blinding, acts all livid, accuses me of encouraging it (it's always my fault) and says something needs to be done. I suggest he come and meet me from college one day (not to have a confrontation obv, just to put the bloke off a bit, show a presence etc). I got no reply.

Last wednesday was particularly bad, the bloke followed me to toilet, waited outside toilet for me, followed me back to class - I text OH and asked him to come and meet me. His reply was "Just tell him to fuck off". Later he said "I can't just drop everything when you say so". He was sat at home at the time on the bloody lap top.

Latest incident - School made me an appointment to see DS's teacher. It was a college day so I had to re-arrange. Teacher called me and asked if I could go in after school on the 15th. I agreed. I told OH I'd need the car that day (appointment was at 3pm, he leaves work at 3pm but normally as a one off he'll sit in the canteen until I get there)- He said "just walk to school, I'll pick you up after work". The school is a good 40 minute walk away and yes I know its not "that far" but considering OH needs the car just to go 5 minutes to the shop, I feel its a bit rich him telling me to walk. He'll walk NOWHERE. He just won't put himself out for me at all. Am I being precious??

YANBU. Your OH is a tosser (on the face it, not having heard his side, obviously).
Maybe you should threaten to get off with the creepy stalker, perhaps that will make him pay attention to you, sheesh. Is he the dad to your DS?

No, of course you are not being precious - he is behaving selfishly.

Has he always behaved like this? Could it be that he is feeling insecure that you have started a college course, and are branching out on your own a bit? Did you used to be SAHM?

I'm not sure it is a good idea for him to go to the college - he does sound slightly aggressive.

Why is he not going to the school appointment too? What happens if you TELL him what you are doing with the car, rather than asking him?

Sorry - lots of questions, but he is definitely being unreasonable.

No, you're not being precious. He doesn't sound like he cares about you or your needs, or at least that he thinks his potential needs are more important than your actual ones.

As for the stalker at college, you need to sort that yourself. Find out what the processes are for reporting harassment, and follow them. Advise the authorities if you need to. But again, your OH should be providing you with emotional support. Does he have any redeeming features? Because he doesn't sound great from what you've described here.

No he's not DS's dad, that's why he doesn't mind a 9 year old lad having to cycle half an hour to primary school every day in the cold and rain rather than allowing his mother to use the car so she can take him to school.
He also has a son who is a little older than DS and I went to all of his assemblies, plays and concerts at school with OH. Then when my DS had his year 6 leavers play, I got OH a ticket who then told me he was "too ill" to go. He's just so selfish. His version of those events now are that he really wanted to go but I gave his ticket to my mum. I only did that AFTER he said he wasn't going because I didn't want to have to go on my own and make DS think that it was only me interested.
He has always been a bit like this but he's definitely getting worse. He just isn't bothered anymore.

I think the car sharing is probably just a small part of it - he sounds as if he doesn't care anymore. Does he show his support in any other ways?

Stop asking him if you can have the care - you don't need his permission. Does he ask you if he can take it??? Just tell him you're taking it - or better still just take it without saying anything to him

No he just constantly slags me off and puts me down. Like I was making Spaghetti bolognese last week, he said "urgh, you're not using wholemeal spaghetti are you?" I said "yes, I always do" so he said "oh gross, don't save me any spaghetti then, disgusting. I'll just have the bolognese" his usual childish reaction to him not getiing his own way. So come that night, I find he's taken two jars of bolognese out of the cupboard and placed them by the oven as if I'm incapable of finding them myself. I put one back in the cupboard and he asks why. I said "I only need one" and he said "no, you'll need 2. One isn't enough, it will taste horrible". I said "I always use one and its always been fine before" so he goes in the cupboard, gets the other jar of bolognese out whilst singing "2 jars of bolognese! mince! onions! .... " trying to mask his controlling in a light hearted sing song.
Anyway I only used 1. He refused to have any but asked how it was. I said it was lovely. He said "you only used 1 jar? urgh, bet it didn't taste of anything, I'm surprised to even had enough mixture to feed everyone" he then tried to get the kids to say it wasn't very nice too.

He's like this all the time. He's now taken to constantly criticising my driving which he never used to do.

When we do the shopping he criticises everything I pick up whilst replacing it with something exactly the same that he's picked up.

1 go to pastoral care at college and report you stalker

2 stop payments for the car you are not allowed to use

3 tell your husband he is treating you like shit and if he doesn't up his game considerably he'll lose you

4 consider leaving him

5 wonder why he "needs" to be able to get so far from home when you are out. Where's he going?

Tell him you're going to stop paying towards the car and that you're going to buy you're own little car as he's being such a selfish prick about it.

Is this bad about other things as well? does he do anything nice for you? does he buy you flowers, birthday cards etc. I know these are not everything in a relationship but it is an indication on whether or not they are interested still.

"I am taking the car"

Say it

repeat

Skidoodly, must admit that has crossed my mind. It also crossed my mind why he "needs" the car for work when I can quite easily drop him off and pick him up (like he insists on doing with me when I'm at work). Why does he need the car at work?

Another thing he's started doing is critisicing my things all the time. The microwave is shit and needs replacing (it happens to be one I bought). The washing machine is crap and needs replacing (guess who bought this?) the rug in the living room is horrible and needs chucking out (yep, mine again) and the latest one really did annoy me. One item of mine he LOVES is my slow cooker which was given to me by my grandmother. He's even gone as far in the past to say if we ever split, could he keep it as he'd use it more often than me! (probably true!). Anyway last night he decided to say "I've gone right off that slow cooker, it over cooks chicken and sausages taste mushy and gross in it". I said "it cooks a good caserole though!" and he said "nah, even then I think they're better in the oven - to be honest I think it's shit now, I've realised how crap it actually is"

I said "You would do, it's mine".
He said "what's that supposed to mean?"
I said "everything of mine you think is shit, if its mine, you automatically dislike it".

He denied it but he knows as well as I do that its true.

You don't like him much do you?

Never had flowers off him. He's bought me chocolates on two occasions - both times they were on offer or heavily reduced. (and he tends to take the money from grocery pot anyway).
I get birthday cards but when it came to christmas presents he told me he thinks we should "cap it" at a certain price. He's frightened to death he spends more on me than I do on him.

If you feel strong enough:

• when he criticises your shopping, leave him and the trolley in the shop

• refuse to pay for the car any more as "you have decided it is yours, so the bills are yours too"

• if he criticises your cooking say, calmly, "OK then I shall make enough for DS and I and you can make your own."

If you don't feel strong enough to confront him, you should be making plans to leave. I realise that takes a lot of strength too.

My thoughts were:

a) do not tell him about other men flirting with you. Deal with it yourself, and use formal harrassment procedures if the man does not desist.

b) renegotiate the car usage to either get your fair share or to cut your contributions. Or if you can afford it, get your own car - a two seater for you and DS.

But, reading the subsequent posts, I started thinking there's a lot more going on. Why does he need the car? What did he do during his week off? When did his behaviour change?

He sounds horrible. Why on earth are you with him?

Also, you are a student and he's working full-time and yet he expects you to pay for "his" car?

You are married and have a child, going halfsies on things like the car is weird. And very unpleasant when you are basically subsidising his car use.

I am torn between PffftThe's appproach and mine. I think withdrawing car funds will make your point more forcefully, but simpler approach good too.

Sort the harassment at college too. That is really not on.

ffs dump him. He is a twat.

In a caring loving relationship there shouldnt be serious issues over who owns what. Its a partnership.

Please do everything you can to prepare yourself for the possibility that you are going to spilt - ie financial independance, debts seperated etc.

My Tutor said to our group last year that this course will change everyone -relationships will break up, confident will grow etc. She was right - 2 relationships broke up and one relationship was formed within the group. Alot of people reassessed their homelife.

He doesnt like the loss of control over you by the sound of it.

As for this other man- tell him to Sod off in no uncertain terms- if you have already done that and it still continues report him to college.

He sounds like a twat and he is not the father of your son.

Why are you still with him?

What does he do that makes all of this crap worth it?

He was not always like this. He used to be mega protective of me, drive me everywhere and pick me up, let me have the car whenever I wanted, say that every meal I cooked was my best yet etc. It all changed about 2 months ago. He just started getting really cold towards me. Went right off sex (before he was pestering me EVERY night for sex and if we went more than 2 days without it, he'd go in a strop). Now he doesn't come near me. We have sex around once a week now and I get no kisses or anything in between. He doesn't even hug me on the sofa or in bed any more.
I can't put a date on it but I'm sure it started about 2 months ago.

Mmmmm alarm bells are ringing here....

I think he's started an affair and has started scapegoating you with the ow.

He treats you very badly. How long has he been like this?

I'm upping my advice from "consider leaving" to "start making plans"

He'd find it difficult to have an affair though as he works all day and then never goes out after work. The only time he could manage to see anyone is in his lunch hour at work or when I'm college (and then it would need to be his day off).
It just doesn't make sense. Personally I think he's just looking for a way out now.

Your OH sounds a lot like my ex. He got like this when he (I later found out) was having his first affair. With my kids pre-school leader . And again when he had his second, with one of his customers.

I dont know how he has been treating you like this, but I dont think he's likely to change. So you need to. I became a nervous wreck, I couldnt do anything right. I was a rubbish mum, a crap wife and on one day even the way I changed the bed was wrong.

You need to sit down with your DP and make some things clear. He changes or he leaves. I did it in the end because I couldnt bear the thought that my DS would treat someone in the same way when he's an adult, or that my DD's would be treated like that. I've been on my own for 3 mmonths now, and it's the best move I've ever made.