Am I being precious or does he really not care?

[Kushanku]

I started college on the same week that OH had a week off work. I got the bus every morning in pissing down rain and not once did he offer to give me a lift in the car. The car (which I pay half towards upkeep and petrol every month) was left redundant on the driveway for a week. I wasn't "allowed" to take it in case he "needed" it - he didn't want to be stranded at home (you know, like I was every day before starting college). Never offered to pick me up or anything.

Thing is, as I do contribute half cost of the car the agreement was that I could use it 50% during the week, I just take him to work and pick him up after work. It doesn't inconvenience him at all. But my time with the car is getting less and less, he never lets me use it anymore. He's even insisting on taking me to work on a weekend and picking me up "incase" he needs the car whilst I'm at work. I get Thursdays and Fridays off college every week. Last week I asked him if I could use the car Thursday. He pondered it and then said "but you wanted it saturday too, I thought you were taking DS swimming?" I said "I am" so he said "so you want it Thursday AND saturday??" ffs 2 days in an entire week when I'm paying half towards the cost of the bloody thing??

Since I started college I have attracted upwanted attention from a bloke who has taken it upon himself to follow me around, make sure he's sat RIGHT next to me in class, pesters me for my phone number, pesters me to allow him to buy me coffee - I told him I'm married - doesn't put him off. I told OH who starts ffing and blinding, acts all livid, accuses me of encouraging it (it's always my fault) and says something needs to be done. I suggest he come and meet me from college one day (not to have a confrontation obv, just to put the bloke off a bit, show a presence etc). I got no reply.

Last wednesday was particularly bad, the bloke followed me to toilet, waited outside toilet for me, followed me back to class - I text OH and asked him to come and meet me. His reply was "Just tell him to fuck off". Later he said "I can't just drop everything when you say so". He was sat at home at the time on the bloody lap top.

Latest incident - School made me an appointment to see DS's teacher. It was a college day so I had to re-arrange. Teacher called me and asked if I could go in after school on the 15th. I agreed. I told OH I'd need the car that day (appointment was at 3pm, he leaves work at 3pm but normally as a one off he'll sit in the canteen until I get there)- He said "just walk to school, I'll pick you up after work". The school is a good 40 minute walk away and yes I know its not "that far" but considering OH needs the car just to go 5 minutes to the shop, I feel its a bit rich him telling me to walk. He'll walk NOWHERE. He just won't put himself out for me at all. Am I being precious??

newwave I think in this situation they are all really bad suggestions! The OP's H is controlling and has anger issues and looks to be hiding who knows what from her - best case scenario she gets painted the villain/cheater, worst case scenario is much much worse.

OP, don't try to mess with his head - just get out of there. Seriously.

Goodness - do you REALLY need to ask if you're being precious??

Your OH is a twat and you really need to get out of this relationship. I don't think whether he's having an affair or not is actually even important. He's treating you like crap and you deserve better than that!

Philo, I take what you say on board but dont agree, he is controlling the op needs to show she is an independant person who is not going to be controlled by a selfish partner.

I an not suggesting an affair, what I am suggesting is that he little world needs to be shaken.

If nothing else it may help to bring this simmering situation to a head.

Personally I would have said "fuck you I am taking the car".

Shine, how do you know he is gay :o

Did work in a friends case, he soon changed his attitude and started to behave in a better manner. All my friend did was to come round my place for an hour or two a couple of evenings a week after work, she ignored his mobile phone calls during that time and said the bar was to noisy to hear her phone.

Quick update cos DS is nagging to go on pc!

The car was bought for him by his dad, therefore he see's it as "his" car, even though I have to pay half of the tax, insurance, MOT, petrol and maintanance.

I just know he's up to something behind my back, I just KNOW it but I can't find any proof. He's getting too good at cleaning up after himself. I just wish I wasn't so quick to expose my snooping in the past and he wouldn't be so careful now.

This got me a bit - we were discussing a holiday for the future and settled on Greece. I said there was no way we could afford to go for at least two years. He agreed but said he would start saving Euros up anyway seems a bit wierd when we're nowhere near close to booking anything!!! anyway I said to keep it between ourselves and not tell the kids. He agreed. A few days later I heard his son say to him "Is that going towards the euros? how many do we have now?" ???!!! wtf? OH ushered him quiet and insists even now that his son knows nothing about this imaginary greece holiday. He must do! I also have suspitions that he may have booked it for himself and his son only - or at least has intentions of doing that.

Oh and apparantly he has 40euros saved up on a pre-paid credit card. Why would do you that when you're not even planning on booking anything for two years?

OK, so his dad bought the car for him, so far so... wait, what is this "have to pay half" of the expenses? What happens if you say you've decided to go by bus instead so you won't need to go shares on the car any more?

newwave Sorry but they are terrible ideas to suggest to someone asking for advice on how to handle their abusive partner.
He is likely to accuse OP of having an affair if she does this, which at best will play right into his hands (especially if he is the one having one) and at worst become a domestic violence situation.

Firstly, OP: do yourself a favour by asking the college for support in preventing your stalker.
If they are hesistant about doing so then do not hesitate yourself in contacting the police.

"No he's not DS's dad, that's why he doesn't mind a 9 year old lad having to cycle half an hour to primary school every day in the cold and rain rather than allowing his mother to use the car so she can take him to school."

• leave him for this reason alone.

My own DS is the same age and my DP would never dream of putting us in this situation.

"He's even gone as far in the past to say if we ever split, could he keep it as he'd use it more often than me! (probably true!)."

• very telling!

"He'd find it difficult to have an affair though as he works all day and then never goes out after work."

• so what does this tell you?: that he may be having an affair at work.

It would tie in with being so possessive about the car as he would need it in order to take an OW elsewhere in their lunch hour. Sounds so tacky as to be unlikely, I know, but it happens.

"I have his email password - nothing dodgy in there up until recently when he's deleted all his sent messages. Very unusual."

• not for adulterers it's not. Just read any number of threads on MN about it.

"Just found out he's changed his bank password."

• well two can play at that game - get your own house in order because you may not be the only one who is preparing for the possibility of leaving.

Kushanku - being unhappy is a good enough reason to end a relationship. You don't need proof of anything.

I agree 100% that he's up to something, but you don't need to hang around waiting to find out what it is. He's treating you appallingly, it doesn't sound like you're enjoying anything about your relationship - why not start making your own arrangements?

Why are you with him?!

Just leave him.

So if you are paying half for a car you are not using, is he paying half your bus fare then?

Who does the house belong to? or is it rented?

Seriously, you know he is up to sommat, you see it, can't explain stuff, and he's covering his tracks. You feel it in your gut that there is something going on. You are not wrong.

Don't sleep walk into this, go into it with your eyes wide open, your facts straight and your legal rights clear.

Take control. Today

Cross posted, and am very intrigued by his DS knowing about the money saved.
It could be because his DS knows about the holiday and that OH was hushing him about it because they're going with OW, without you.

Some, possibly even yourself, will say that this is beyond the realms of possibility but these are the kind of arrangements dad used to do with myself and my brother (to a lesser degree) and numerous OWs - all one big happy family - without my mum ever knowing (as she was at work to financially support her "real" family :( ).
Of course she'd never suspect until it was too late as he had a full time job as well (more than, in fact, as we lived in his workplace so he was practically working all day).

We didn't think anything of it at the time as we were very young and presumed that another female "friend" of our dad being around so much was "normal" as it happened all the time.
Little did we know we were being groomed to accept an OW in our lives later on - even when our parents divorced years later, my dad would still insist that the OW he was then living with - who later became his wife - was "just a friend"

Again, I'm sticking my neck out here and may be accused of projecting etc. etc., but...

It happens.

By any bizarre chance, would your OH have any way of knowing this stalker bloke? he's not someone that's been told to stay close? to keep an eye on you?

Any bloke, especially controlling one, even philandering one would raise more than an eyebrow at this surely?

Could be wrong.... [paranoid, me?]

Get rid.

For your sons sake as well as your own.

Sounds like he is building and escape fund which you are contributing to thinking it is for the holiday.

Stop paying half towards the car expenses in fact stop contributing to anything and make your plans to leave him.

I've lost count of the number of threads on here that started by commenting on some odd behaviour by someone's partner, where they've said "I know 100% he's not having an affair at least, he just wouldn't have time/ isn't interested in sex/ is very down on cheaters"; and then a little while later, well, you've guessed it. So yes, it happens.

The only other thing that sometimes explains an abrupt emotional withdrawal and financial secretiveness is when it turns out he's being "unfaithful" in ways that don't involve another woman, eg substance abuse or a gambling habit. This isn't good news either, obviously.

LMHF - or to attempt to tempt the OP into "slipping up"...

Nah there's no way he could know him. OH has no friends. Besides, this bloke can barely speak English, I don't think he's been in the country that long.

I hope your first priority is to report the stalker. I've been stalked and it only gets worse. And there's an even darker side to it

As for OH if it were me I'd be planning my exit but only you can decide. He's a fuckwit, you know it he knows it but you have to be in the right frame of mind to get out.

I think it's all been said but I'll add my weight to it too - the man's trying to get you to leave him so he can go "Ooo, poor me, she left me" and then he can carry on with the OW.

He is changing his internal history because he has found someone else and needs to NOT Feel Guilty about it. Best way to do that - decide that you are crap, make you feel crap, so that you behave in a crap fashion and then he can bring it full circle and say that the reason he started seeing someone else is because you are crap. they're good at this - it saves them feeling guilty, which they hate.

Get your money in order, stop paying anything towards the car that you are not allowed to use, have your own bank accounts (if you don't already) and start looking for somewhere to go or some way to get rid of him. You can confront him about the affair when you have decided once and for all that he is history, regardless of what he says - and he will lie about it, and make out that you are paranoid to the point of insane - which will be just as good a reason to get shot of him.

Your son can do so much better than having this man as an "example".

Good luck.

Echo what everyone has said about the college stalker. Deal with that matter yourself. On to your partner, then:

His behaviour towards you has got markedly worse in the last 2 months. He is cruel.
He uses porn.
He lies about his use of porn and deletes it.
He deletes his current internet history.
He deletes his E mails, having never done this before.
He has got previous form for an inappropriate relationship that only stopped on discovery.
He neglected to tell another woman he was attached.
He doesn't care that another man is interested in you and causing you discomfort.
He has become more uncaring to your child.
He is secretive about his finances.
He doesn't want sex with you.

No time to do it? There is always time.

How many more signs could there be? But what a lucky stroke of fortune - some other woman is going to take him off your hands, because he sounds truly horrible.