not sure if I am alone in this one! Have had a clear out in my life of friends and aquantances and wondered if anyone else done this has any advice?

[Mummiehunnie]

After abusive marriage and dysfunctional family, I removed most people from my life and for almost a year now have been a kind of hermit, self imposed, it has been good for me, have kept one old friend who I never saw much due to distance and her being someone who spreads herself thinly in life. I have a few aquantances, that is it though!

I was always good at making new friends, and had lots at times in my life was stressed out juggling it all. Most of the people from my past were unhealthy people as was I.

I have had therapy etc, and am still building my confidence and self esteem. I feel almost ready, probably will be ready in new year to reach out more, and wondered how others went about it.

I know it is probably going to sound odd to some people and I am concerned how people will react to me almost having a mid life reinvention in mid thirites etc...

thanks

Hi mh,

I've just replied to you in my thread..about my black humour etc..

I've done exactly the same as you over the last couple of years, and even though its hard to cut people out it becomes beneficial in the long run.

I've seen a few more of your threads while reading through various posts and came across one where you partly describe your relationship with your brother..i don't know much about it but again i identified with what you said. I idolized my b until he bullied me to the point i was scared to be alone with him..he was the blue eyed boy that could do no wrong as far as my m was concerned but my dad knew and tried to protect me when he was there, which unfortunately wasn't often enough.

I find it amazing how so many people have so many problems but in the real world don't let people know..i'm so guilty of that. I won't show any 'weakness', crying etc,always positive and laughing even when i've felt suicidal. Partly because i know there is a nosiness involved and when your flaws are revealed some people take delight in feeling superior to you.

There are some truly decent, genuine people but sadly there are so many that are ruled by their ego,

It is far far easier to be a selfish shallow person because when you can see the motives of others it is impossible to connect with them..
'Birds of a feather flock together' is such a true saying..

I wish you well

thanks for your experiences Robyn, I have replied to your thread, you may find get a laugh from my response!

Yes definitely, a great idea!

I did this a few years ago after I had come out of a crap relationship. Having kind, caring, positive and supportive friends around you makes the world of difference.

Get out there and make some nice new friends. :)

Speckledeggy, it is heart warming to hear that it has worked out well for you, thanks for sharing x

Hi mummmiehunnie. I'm in a somewhat similar boat of having to make new friends (for different reasons, but still).

What I've found works well for me is using Facebook groups. I have an interest in a few foreign languages/cultures, for example, and have attended functions for like minded people. I've met a few good friends that way.

I also started doing yoga a lot and have met a couple of people there, too.

So basically, and it sounds really trite, but find things that you are interested in and go out and do them. You will meet other people while doing things.

It can be intimidating and you shouldn't get too down if you take a few forays and they don't work out (lord knows I've been to a few functions where I wondered why I bothered). But best of luck to you!

thanks another mum and banks for your input x

I think you're ready to start finding new people now, as you're looking objectively at what you've done and you're questioning it, so get out there and get on with it.
Good luck - most people just trog along with the same old problems and annoying people for their entire lives.

Hi again Mummiehunnie! - I feel like a new woman (honestly!) after 'talking' to you on here today in my thread, so thought I would try to reciprocate!

I was in a similar situation about 15 years ago, when I left an abusive partner. We'd been together so long, and he was so controlling, that most of my 'friends' were really his friends anyway. I moved away so he couldn't get to me and didn't tell any of my old friends where I had gone.

Anyway after a good couple of years of being a hermit I had a think about what I would like to do, career-wise, signed up to a college course, and started out with that. From that I made new friends, got more confident and started having the odd night out with them. It honestly kind of snowballed from there, really.

Fifteen years or so on from a time when I had some very dark moments, I am married to a lovely man (yes, despite his toxic family, he is still lovely, ha ha!), and we have lovely children and a pretty lovely life. There have been issues, (as you know!) recently, but overall I am happy with where I am and I feel pretty lucky.

And as it was a while ago that all this happened to me, I wasn't in my thirties, but I'm sure it's not that unusual to be - it's probably very common, actually, with lots of marriages, etc, ending in that age bracket.

All I can suggest is you take one little step - sign up for a course, or a class in something you fancy learning, and new friendships and experiences will follow. Best of luck to you

I did this in my twenties (left abusive relationship). Strangely enough, I am nearly 40 and have re-established a few of those friendships in the last year or so. Turns out they liked me more than my ex in the end

laz you made me smile lol x good for you x

Moomoo, wow that is lovely to hear that you are feeling better, will have a look at your thread in a bit x good advice, am going to make a few phone calls in the next few days I have been putting off re getting back out there, this hermit thing has to end eventually, havin said that it has had it use!

Hi. This thread really resonated for me, in fact it could have been written by me. I'm also working on getting back into circulation to find people who will value me for who I am. I found a good place to start was with hobbies. Maybe going to an evening class or starting an activity that you've always wanted to try.
Good luck and I hope you have an enjoyable time having new experiences and meeting new people.

I find it surprising I am not alone, do people not find it odd that you are in effect stating again?

I find it a very daunting prospect at times and sometimes find it complicated when trying to explain my past to people.
On the other hand though it is liberating to put the negative aspects of the past in a box and move forward without them dragging me down.

Hi,

I can identify with that feeling of starting again. I have lost touch with many friends. I also found myself getting in touch with some girls I used to know after losing contact for a few years but people change and I guess we do ourselves and sometimes it just doesnt work and you think it used to work and be fun etc why not now? Its frustrating when you cant get the same bond back. It can cause a lot of tears because you think is it me? and all the feelings asscoaited with thinking in that way.
I have also found in other situations that people dont want to let you in to their group. They dont seem to want to meet new people. Has anyone else found this? Is this narrow minded do you think?

So likemany of you I have had toxic situations and friend and negative people in the family who take their unhappiness out on you.

It sometimes feels like is everyone like this? and you lose your confidence.

Rach

It can be awkward when someone from the past re-appears unexpectedly and some people did find it odd but I felt it was absolutely necessary in order to get my life back. I feel like I've had two separate lives- one shit one, and one really good, happy and secure one. Hope it works out well for you too. :)

Met up with old school friend was nice, just feel now pandoras box open and not nieve can c 2 many of others issues!

Hi Mummie,

So do you feel you will meet the old school friend again?

Rach x

I found that a problem after having my own therapy. It really enables you to see things differently.

Hi OP, this is something I have been thinking about a lot recently. My parents were abusive, well mainly my Mum and my Dad was pretty much absent a lot of the time and then I married an abusive man, who I was with for 8 years.

I have two dc and am mostly alone with them, they go to school etc and see their Dad and family members so I am not forcing them to join me in my self imposed solitude.

I am happier like this, I feel safer but at the same time I wonder if it is healthy. My Mum is a classic NPD and I do believe my ex has a personality disorder is well but when you are surrounded by madness like this it is hard to know if it is actually YOURSELF who is the problem iyswim?

I don't have any advice I suppose I am looking for some myself. I love MN because I am able to interact socially in a limited way, where I can protect myself if things get difficult. I only need to give as much as I want to.

So is it normal to be like this when you have experienced abusive relationships? Is it actually a good thing to take time out, I know I feel healthier and happier like this. In fact I know I am nowhere near ready to be reaching out and trying to build a new social life in RL.

Interesting thread.

Shimmery- I think that your experience is common. Please do not think- for a second - that any of the behaviour you have been subjected to is your fault in any way. It sounds like you are a great Mum.
I still (15 years later) can't deal with even low-level confrontation - even from 'difficult' children at work. One of the reasons I like MN is that I feel I have another support network who make no demands on me- although if I receive a hostile response on a thread I do tend to avoid that thread from then on.

If you can develop a few adult relationships I believe it would be a good, healthy thing for you but it can take time to trust people again. Maybe MN is your first step towards this? :)

yes will see once or twice a year x maybe this is the next lesson to learn how to see past the veil with people!

Hi,

Yes it is difficult to trust people I agree, but if I keep waiting to meet people who I trust I could be waiting forever. I dont think you always have to trust people it is also about having a social life. I think everyone has tha ability to let you down at some point no matter who they are.

What do you think?

Rachx

Rachey i have faked enjoyment, felt uncomfortable and unhappy when socialising with certain people i classed as friends in past. I have enjoyed not making the effort 2 entertain such people ldtely! I expect i will feel like that with new people in future never want 2 feel like that with friends again!

OP, I am in the same position as you. Over the past few years I have ditched my friends and some of my family members because I realised that I loved and care for them more than they did me. They were also the sort who would celebrate when I was struggling and be envious when things were working out for me. I have gone through a range of emotions including feeling hurt, angry and lonely as these were people I really loved. I have also been feeling as if maybe I am the one who is awful, they cant all be wrong etc etc.

I haven't particularly started socialising again because my life is very busy with a full time job and three kids. This time I really want to vett my friends because in the past I realised that my friends chose me to be their friend rather than me choosing then iyswim. It was a case of being a billy no mates who gets chosen to be a friend and is grateful that someone wants to befriend them.

I am sure that the mental abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex 10 years ago is wholly to blame for my lack of confidence in befriending people. No advice though OP as I am in the same boat