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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Apparently I need taking down a few pegs

36 replies

thefinerthingsinlife · 01/10/2010 16:39

I have posted on here before about my toxic family (Mainly my dad and sister, but pack mentality has set in so the rest are starting to bad mouth me behind my back now).

It has all escalated in the last week because I have starting questioning the comments i.e. "ooo that came across rather harshly, did you mean it like that?" and "could you explain what you meant by that?". |Now my sister has posted a really aggressive, bitchy post about me on facebook (I know fb is the work of the devil)basically saying I need to be taken down a few pegs and that everyone has noticed the change in me and it's not a change for the better.

Everytime I start getting on with my life and i'm happy the have to drag me back down

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 01/10/2010 16:41

Don't have any contact with them if they are that bad and don't go on Facebook (it is for teens).

Lauriefairycake · 01/10/2010 16:42

Drop 'em.

And keep mooooooving on.

JiggeryPopery · 01/10/2010 16:43

yup.

cut them out.

PosieParker · 01/10/2010 16:45

Have you got a good affordable counsellor near you? Because adults who bully get quite pissy when the victim starts to stand up for themselves and they start emotionally blackmailing or really stepping up the abuse. Have3 you got support?

fruitshootsandheaves · 01/10/2010 16:46

send a parcel of pegs and then ignore them

loopyloops · 01/10/2010 16:48

Hard to do because they are family, but sod them. Cut all ties.

Original poster
thefinerthingsinlife · 01/10/2010 16:50

I have no idea about counsellors tbh, I wouldn't know where to look. I do have support though, my dh is fantastic and is very proud that I have started to stand up for myself.

Has anyone else found that people expect you to back down because it's your family? Because the response I seem to get is you only get one dad/mum/sister/family and you should always forgive them. I keep telling myself if i wouldn't accept it from a friend, I shouldn't accept it from my family, but sometimes I have doubts.

OP posts:
Tippychoocks · 01/10/2010 16:53

Blimey am I gad I never had a sister. Or Facebook for that matter.

Unfriend her or whatever without commenting, it'll drive her mad. Long term I think you need to limit the contact tbh.

loopyloops · 01/10/2010 16:55

Yes, people have given me the same advice.

I'm sorry to say, blood is a hell of a lot more messy than water and more tricky to get rid of, but it doesn't stop you wanting it washed out!

PosieParker · 01/10/2010 16:57

Keep talking to your DH to get perspective and refrain from accepting calls or shit from them.

Original poster
thefinerthingsinlife · 01/10/2010 17:00

That sums it up pretty well loopy

OP posts:
HMTheQueen · 01/10/2010 17:01

I totally get where you are coming from. I was always the butt of the jokes - pick on HM day - you name it, I was the target. When I finally started to stand up for myself, I was told I was being unreasonable, couldn't take a joke, shouldn't get so upset over nothing etc etc....

Probably won't help you, but I went travelling for a year, and never went back. I visit occasionally, but they seem to understand I'm not the joke any more, as I live my life without them.

Don't accept it - it's not your fault. They wouldn't treat a friend that way, so why should they be allowed to do it to you?

I know it's quite passive aggressive, but why not post on FB about finally standing up for yourself? Might give your family some food for thought?? And it will indicate to your friends/other family that you are an adult and won't stand for it.

HTH

WriterofDreams · 01/10/2010 17:02

I have struggled with something similar. With my mother I've just had to accept that she will never really show me love (despite the fact that she's perfectly nice to me), and this acceptance has actually made our relationship better and my life a lot easier.
I've tried really hard with my sister and we've had periods of peace but lately she has started her usual attacks and criticism and I've decided that I can never really be friends with her. It's very sad and I do question whether I'm doing the right thing by giving up on her, but she upset me so much a couple of weeks ago that I know I can't give her any leeway or she'll just come back and hurt me again.

I know a lot of people believe you should forgive family but I think 9 time out of ten those people have normal healthy relationships with their parents and siblings. I would totally agree that if a family member does something on a one-off basis to piss you off you should let it go but if a person truly is toxic and constantly nasty or critical then it is not a good idea to keep trying with them. It is too emotionally draining and it is unlikely things will change.

catinthehat2 · 01/10/2010 17:02

What everyone else has said.
Avoid avoid avoid
Do not engage

Entertain yourself at their discomfort - I recommend Emotional Blackmail Bingo;

write down idiot phrases you think they will come out with, highest marks for the most crass & barefacedly manipulative.

You already have a 20 pointer with "you only get one dad/mum/sister/family and you should always forgive them"

Mummiehunnie · 01/10/2010 17:07

have you looked on statley homes thread?

I lol at send them a pack of pegs post!

Yes people find it hard when you were a stable certain person, how many people like change, now you are continually changing and in a way that is not comfortable for them, and they are taking it out on you, as long as it is working for you and you can see a good end goal that that is great!

Actually I would not defriend her, I had a lot of abuse and hid from it, the ideal is to let it slip off you without it bothering you, and it will just be another thing for them to be angry at you for. I would turn off you chat viewing thing, and not post anything, hide your wall, photo's, comments etc from those that are dangerous and look at their posts and that way you will be able to keep an eye on them for your safety. Have no contact with them, do the hardest thing, do nothing! I would recommend counselling to deal with this hangover!

overmydeadbody · 01/10/2010 17:09

What others said, cut off contact. You masy noly get one mum and dad etc, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with their abuse.

Original poster
thefinerthingsinlife · 01/10/2010 17:13

"I was always the butt of the jokes - pick on HM day - you name it, I was the target. When I finally started to stand up for myself, I was told I was being unreasonable, couldn't take a joke, shouldn't get so upset over nothing etc etc...."

OP posts:
TheRealChopin · 01/10/2010 17:14

Cut them out. Find your ' real' family amongst Ifriends. It's hard work but entirely possible and well worth it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/10/2010 17:15

Hi thefinerthings,

Re this comment written by WriterofDreams:-

"I know a lot of people believe you should forgive family but I think 9 time out of ten those people have normal healthy relationships with their parents and siblings. I would totally agree that if a family member does something on a one-off basis to piss you off you should let it go but if a person truly is toxic and constantly nasty or critical then it is not a good idea to keep trying with them. It is too emotionally draining and it is unlikely things will change"

I would fully agree with this comment in its entireity and you have been given some very good counsel. Take heed!!.

Re counsellors BACP have a list of counsellors and they won't charge the earth for their services.

Limit all contact with these toxic people and delete your account from FB. Install and answering machine or caller ID and bar these toxic people from your life.

What these toxic people are doing is actually typical; when the scapegoat for all their ills (i.e you) starts asking awkward questions as to how they have been treated they do not like it, they do not like being challenged. All you've had from them recently is all typical toxic family behaviour.

You may also want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as this could help you further.

Original poster
thefinerthingsinlife · 01/10/2010 17:16

I have posted on there once or twice. It might sound silly but my problems don't seem big enough to post on there, that threads for "real" problems iyswim Blush

OP posts:
Mummiehunnie · 01/10/2010 17:20

you have real problems as far as I can see!

Original poster
thefinerthingsinlife · 01/10/2010 17:20

I have read toxic parents thats how I got to the stage where I could start questioning them/their behaviour. It was probably one of the most helpful books ive read

OP posts:
catinthehat2 · 01/10/2010 17:25

The big indicator that you are dealing with bona fide toxic persons is their reaction to you sticking up for yourself.

SO , yes, it's real, you are legit!

Timbachick · 01/10/2010 17:44

Massively good advice here finer.

It's harsh when it's your own blood but you need to take these people out of your life. You were/are acceptable when you are behaving as they want you to behave. They like you when you are conforming to their own principles/beliefs. That is not healthy, it is not fair and it is damaging for you in the long run. Remove them, you do not need for your nearest and dearest to be bitching about you on shitefacebook.

You are entitled to live your life on your terms. You are entitled to have a good life with your DH and DC. Do not apologise for it.

I love the idea of sending them a box of pegs.

I also like the old adage I was once told: living well is the best revenge. So, live well and damn their petty, pathetic attempts to belittle you.

Original poster
thefinerthingsinlife · 01/10/2010 20:44

I agree Timbachick, the advice i've been given on here is fab.

I've just been reading some of it out to DH and he agrees with all the things that has been said.

You've all really given me some clarity on the situation, thank you

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