Apparently I need taking down a few pegs

[thefinerthingsinlife]

I have posted on here before about my toxic family (Mainly my dad and sister, but pack mentality has set in so the rest are starting to bad mouth me behind my back now).

It has all escalated in the last week because I have starting questioning the comments i.e. "ooo that came across rather harshly, did you mean it like that?" and "could you explain what you meant by that?". |Now my sister has posted a really aggressive, bitchy post about me on facebook (I know fb is the work of the devil)basically saying I need to be taken down a few pegs and that everyone has noticed the change in me and it's not a change for the better.

Everytime I start getting on with my life and i'm happy the have to drag me back down

For what it's worth i've had a pretty unhealthy family environment when i was growing up too - one of the results is that we siblings are quite competitive with each other. My older sister (who is sports mad - I'm a little pudgier, but not horribly so) used to say things like "give the leftovers to {me}, she'll eat it" , and now competes with me in FB comments (all under the guise of "trying to be nice, funny etc" when really they are just masking putting me down). When I started standing up for myself a few years back I was told the same things, "you take things too seriously", "it's just a joke, chill out" etc.

I started seeing a counsellor about 6 months ago and it's been really helpful in that I can now see it for what it is. This might not help you but it has also really helped me that I live abroad from them. I don't think I could possibly heal if I stayed in any kind of close contact for a few years actually.

Do not engage. It's too tight an emotional hold to be able to keep your sane distance.

And another thing my sister used to say to me - "You use big words and you look down on people"....wierd. She was jealous that I went to uni and she didn't.

It's not your issue, it's theirs. And it's true that as long as you are playing by their rules, you're acceptable. But that's not love, whether they are family or not.

"Everytime I start getting on with my life and i'm happy the have to drag me back down"

Whenever they are trying to do this, knock you down, it's cos you are winning.... you are breaking free of their shite and control.

IGNORE! CARRY ON, you will overcome this!

seconding everything said before me....

peeweewee my sister has said that exact sentence to me! Apperently speaking properly is akin to being a snob

Posting on here really helps me stay strong

As is being able to spell .

We all have our strengths and weaknesses but it's a bit sad when someone feels that it's necessary to boost their own self esteem by bringing someone else down. She said that about 15 years ago but is only this week having a go at me about spelling on FB!!! It still annoys me but at least I can partly laugh about it, and it partly just feels a bit wierd that she hasn't moved on or developed over the last 15 years...

Glad I have though

"I don't think DH, DD and DS will appreciate me travelling for a year though"

Ok so you can't literally leave everything for a year, but for example, if you and your family could get away for a break for a holiday, that you could use as your kick off to no contact... even if it's only a break for a while.

You most definitely would NOT put up with any of this if they were not blood relations.

So when someone being belittled like this by their family DOES stand up and gets the 20-pointer, 'you only get one... so you have to forgive them' ....

What happens if that person replies "Exactly, you only have this sister/daughter named XXXXX so why are you treating me like this?" Is it possible to turn it around?

My family is lovely, my dad is a shocker, but I don't see him that much. The criticism while growing up though damaged both my sister and my self-esteem, I dread to think the damage continued and unilateral treatment like this does to a person. DS father is like this, but that's what they are all like in his country, the only strength they have is to bring those around them down. I'm lucky I don't have ILs or SIL/BIL, they would all gang up too, I've seen it happen to all my friends out there.

I don't put up with any of this anymore, the ripples it has made in our home life are just astounding, he'll end up leaving.... and I don't care.

A huge back slap, round of applause to all of you that have suffered like this, you all know it's not right and are so brave and inspirational, you should all be so very very proud of yourselves for not letting it beat you.

Loving the BINGO idea, I bet that'd really help to repel the damage the negative comments can make, by laughing them off!!

I was lucky that I was only 22 when I went travelling, so it was a legitimate way of getting away from home - and I agree - it's not so easy once you have children/mortgage/responsibilties.

But, I have managed to get the point across. As I now live on the other side of the world to them, I didn't spend as much time with them or on the phone to them. And although I love my family dearly - this has helped our relationships no end. I like my brothers now, and can deal with them when I go home for visits. If I lived there still, I think I would have probably cut them out of my life completely by now.

I get this treatment from my family, the things they have done to my family and I would require a whole other thread, but the main point is to find out every little bit of information about me (simple polite conversations are a minefield) and my family, then go about bringing me down a peg or two.

Displays of emotion are frowned upon, well, more openly critisiced (sp) so I learnt from a very young age never to have any displays of happiness, sadness, excitement, disappointment, hope etc etc

The downside to feeling unable to show any feelings or even say I was sad/happy etc is that my mother and my sister have done despicable things to me, and I feel I can't 'dredge it up again', 'must let sleeping dogs lie' and I can't tell them how devastated I am at what they did. I am just expected to keep a lid on my emotions and see their point of view. Especially my mother, if I try to speak to her about how I feel, even now, she turns it all around to how hurt she is, how lonely she is. Oh my goodness, I have totally hijacked your thread, so so sorry.
Maybe I should start my own.

Oh uptomyeyesinit hijack away. I've had some fantastic advise on MN about my toxic family I hope someone can help you too

I'm sorry to hear that you're being attacked by your family like this.

I've read that in dysfunctional families there tends to be a huge amount of emotional energy and personal time invested in keeping things as stable as possible. It's not very stable by objective standards, and often involves one or more people being the uncomplaining scapegoat or whatever, but everyone is walking on eggshells to try to keep the really volatile ones from kicking off.

But what if one family member then starts to upset the balance by standing up for her/himself and refusing to take on the role that the family has allocated them? Then the rest of the family feels that the stability is threatened and so they do the only thing they know how which is to go on the attack.

They're trying to brow-beat you so you go back to the role in the family that you've always had. They're terrified of what might happen if the fragile truces and uneasy alliances they've built up over the years get disrupted. You're rocking the boat and that makes them scared.

The crucial thing for you to understand is that none of that is your responsibility. Let them play their petty little power games and vendettas by themselves. It will only affect you if you give it an audience. If you can detach enough to be able to maintain a relationship with them while ignoring all the petty crap then great. If you can't - and it's bloody hard to do, particularly with family as they know all the buttons to push - then consider reducing your contact with them.

The bottom line is that just because someone is part of your family it does not give them special dispensation to treat you badly.

I'd send her a parcel full of pegs and a note telling her to go fuck herself.

Delete them all, delete yourself if you have to, and cut these people out of your life.