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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

For those that have escaped from abuse, what was your tipping point?

71 replies

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 01/10/2010 02:02

Another thread got me thinking about this. And for me it wasn't any of the times he beat me and was arrested, nor the times friends drove over to 'rescue' me.

It took a very long time and my final realisation was when he came home from work hammered at 11pm, with fish and chips for himself, knowing I had been stuck in all day hungry and without any money. He wolfed it down and kept nodding to an empty glass on the table, I realised he meant I should go get him water and almost did as I normally would. But then stopped myself. That was it.

OP posts:
MoralDefective · 01/10/2010 02:15

Just to say hello.... i hope you get it all sorted.......your DCs and everything....i read your earlier posts and I SHOULD GO TO BED ASWELL

Original poster
TheDevilWearsPrimark · 01/10/2010 02:20

I consider that a slap on the wrist. If only bed seemed inviting.

OP posts:
napoleona · 01/10/2010 07:45

interesting question...i can tell you all the things that did NOT make me leave, all the beatings, the time he very nearly wrenched off my nose, tripped me as i walked down the stairs, refused to give me lift back from work meaning i had to walk 5 miles even tho he was going that way home, locked me out at night, sold all my furniture, destroyed my photos, eventually i lost all my friends, family, and then my son (i have him back now!) i think the day i left took planning for one thing, it wasnt spur of the moment for me i planned it and i decided to leave everything i owned to make it easier, also i had somewhere to go,by this stage most of my family had washed their hands of me but my sister in law offered me a sofa and i took it. i needed someone to reach in and help me a bit, altho i know there had been offers of help previously i actually needed somewhere to go and hide which wasnt a million miles away from my son (who was living with his dad). rambling there sorry!

colditz · 01/10/2010 07:57

It was the weekend the the ex threw a toy brick it me, overswung and punched me in the face (honestly was an accident) but the brick rebounded and hit my (then) three year old.

And I knew then that children should not have to live that. three year old was unhurt and rather baffled by the whole thing, but that was it. he moved out that day.

Snorbs · 01/10/2010 08:15

When I realised that the stress of the relationship was making me physically ill and that if I went round the rollercoaster of "secret drinking" to "drunken abuse" to "worthless apologies" to "empty promises" to "forgive and forget" to "walking on eggshells" to "secret drinking" again, I was going to end up in hospital.

That and realising that all the things I thought I'd lose if we split up, I'd either already lost or never even had in the first place.

pinemartina · 01/10/2010 09:40

Without a doubt,it was MN...

I found a link when searching online for information about SPD ,and joined so I could post on the support thread for that.

Confined to the sofa for 3 months,I literally stumbled across the original NPD thread in Relationships and read through it all in one sitting,including all the links ..

A million lightbulbs pinged on.
I could not believe what I was reading.
Other women were describing my life...it sounded as if some of them were actually with my partner...

I posted there and then.And lots more over the following months.

Our breakup followed a classic pattern,as I took him back twice,convinced it would be different for us....

That was back in February.
He hasn't seen our dd since she was a week old.
I am still reeling from it all.
But I know I never want any more to do with him.
I can't believe I put up with so much,and actually feel embarrassed at the reality of the relationship I was in.

Thank god for MN.

emmyloulou · 01/10/2010 09:45

He got his mum to move in so I had two people abusing me every night after they got pissed.

After throwing up some blinding stuff about my childhood and then just calling me a stupid bitch repeatedly for the 2nd night in a row, I packed my case. He dragged me out and threw me in the road knowing I wouldn't leave the kids with him. I called the police and got them to get the kids out and take us away somewhere safe.

I never went back.

Madascheese · 01/10/2010 10:05

Littlemad was 9 months old

He had an infection and needed antib's

exh said he would do the night dose so I could get some rest as I had a dose of the same thing littlemad had.

Littlemad wasn't taking the medicine well. exh got into a flap.

He woke me, but as I didn't respond/wake up quickly enough for his liking, he kicked (yes I do mean Kicked) me out of bed onto the floor, told me I was useless mother who didn't care about littlemad.

The light went on and I spent 3 weeks planning our escape - we were staying at his family's home abroad and I needed to get us safely back to the UK to try and ensure littlemad wasn't taken away from me. His family (to whom I was a daughter apparently Hmm) told me that row - as all the others was something I could have avoided if I so chose by behaving better.

The light never went out after that night and I never looked back.

rubyrubyruby · 01/10/2010 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rosedee · 01/10/2010 11:09

I was so lucky I was only in the relationship for 6 months, nothing compared to some people. I moved in the day we got together or more specifically never went home. He only physicallyhurt me a few times but the mental and emotional abuseleft me suicidal.
I had gone to college and just couldn't face going to class, called my sister and said I wanted to walk in front of a bus. Can't remember what happened next at all but moved back to mums and that was it. I wrote him a letters saying it was over.
Lots of things should have triggered me leaving but in the end nothing did.

Tillyscoutsmum · 01/10/2010 11:13

I took the beatings, the insane jealousy, the controlling that meant I lost touch with all my friends and family, his OW (who I didn't know existed) turning up on my doorstep 8 months pg, him telling me he didn't want us to divorce but he couldn't let the OW and his baby down because it went against his "catholic" values Hmm.... and then he hit our puppy with a broomstick handle because he's peed on the carpet. And I left ...

IUsedToBeFab · 01/10/2010 11:16

When he hit me.

newnamethistime · 01/10/2010 11:19

Bit scared of posting here but I will anyway.
Mine was when H threatened to smash dc's face in (he was 4). I posted here and have not looked back since. I am still with H. We have both been in therapy separately for more than a year now and the change in both of us is enormous. H has recognised that he was behaving as his father did and has taken huge steps to remedy this. I have realised I need to rebuild my own boundries and take control of my life. We are still a work in progress but I am starting to work again and H has been very supportive. It feels as though a massive weight has been lifted off me and I no longer feel as though I am wading through sludge everyday.

SilverBoots · 01/10/2010 11:31

Mumsnet.

HitGirlGrownUp · 01/10/2010 11:33

When he had pissed away all his wages (again) on booze and other women, 2 days after pay day and came to me asking me to lend him money, I refused and he went nuts and attacked me in front of ds. I called the police and they said that they would be referring us to SS. This had been going on for 8 years.

I took a long look at my situation and I realised if I did not get rid of him NOW it would not end until I lost my dc. I could see it quite clinically and finally that ex was NOT going to change a thing and because of the nature of his personality would push and push until there was nothing left.

Longtalljosie · 01/10/2010 11:34

I didn't leave immediately but the lightbulb moment was when, during the makeup period, not long after the row, he said something about "our children". He knew how desperately I wanted to be a mum and thought it was what I wanted to hear. But suddenly a light went on and I thought "I'm not bringing my children into this". I didn't go straight away but it was from then on a question of when, not if

AttackedbyNinjaPeas · 01/10/2010 11:37

When he went to hit me when I was holding our son, in front of our daughter. Actually no, that wasn't enough for me to decide to leave but it was enough for me to post on MN about what had been happening and the responses I got were what opened my eyes and made me see our relationship for what it was. Then I decided to leave.

MOSP · 01/10/2010 12:01

I'll join this thread later, if I can. Just marking my place.

purplehatpipeandboots · 01/10/2010 12:11

Waking up in hospital.

corlan · 01/10/2010 13:29

The father of DD1 left me alone when I had just been told my father was dying, because he didn't want to miss his train to work. I had put up with his drinking and violence for 10 years but that was the end for me.

The father of DD2 was not violent but he was an emotional abuser.I finished with him when I had to take our daughter in to casualty at 2 in the morning with an asthma attack but he couldn't be bothered to get out of bed.

I pick all the good men Grin

QueenofWhatever · 01/10/2010 21:03

I was hospitalised after I collapsed from the stress of living with him. I was in a four bed bay on an acute medical ward with a bunch of old dears. Iwas 40-50 years older than everyone else and I was 39, I was also there longer than anyone else.

But the thing that finally made the penny drop was when I realised with mild bemusement that their friends and relatives were nice to them when they visited. My ex would not leave satisfied until he'd made me cry.

Then after two weeks he tried to get me to discharge myself against medical advice to go home and look after 4 year old DD. He wanted to go on a press jolly to an Italian resort hotel. He got his Mum to look after her and had lovely time. I continued to be on drips and drugs and have every medical test known to man.

What a charmer.

MOSP · 01/10/2010 21:10

I don't actually really know what my tipping point was. It was as though certain conversations happened in a short space of time. E.g. HV visited me unannounced on a pretext and dragged the truth out of me. I think she'd been tipped off by the midwife (I'd recently had dd2). And suddenly I didn't care about other people knowing any more.

From that point, I knew I was leaving. Just needed to make plans (which went totally 'wrong' but turned out much better than I could possibly have planned).

BertieBotts · 01/10/2010 21:19

It's funny, isn't it, how it's never the big things? It wasn't when he almost punched his friend/nearly shoved him through a wall right in front of me when I was 6 months pregnant. It wasn't when he punched the wall so hard that he shattered the ring I'd bought him (though that really upset me :(). It wasn't when his mum told me he'd always hated women and children (funny how she STILL says that, with no sense of irony) umm... it wasn't when he was "showing off" on the motorway doing 110 and trying to crash into the barriers (actually I was really weirdly calm at that point Confused) It wasn't when he hit our 10 month old Angry. Or any other of the million and one things.

No... it was when I had a tummy bug, he came home from work and I asked him to take DS (13 months) out of the bathroom. He stormed up the stairs and still, it wasn't this, it wasn't the fact he complained about having to look after his own son (I was throwing up, FFS!) and it wasn't the fact that he told me I'd made myself ill and tried to guilt trip me into thinking I'd made DS ill as well.

No, the tipping point was that when he came upstairs he didn't even ask me if I was okay.

Gigantaur · 01/10/2010 21:27

he came home drunk. yelling and shouting about someone at the pub. He could barely walk. He hadn't started on me yet but i knew he would pass out and when he woke it woudl start. He would want sex i woudl either allow him or end up with a kicking and get raped anyway.

Ot was something that had happened a million times before.

for some reason this particular night something clicked. when i was sure he past out i grabbed the dc and left.

we drove around for a while and in the end i broke into my grandads house. he had died a couple fo weeks before so there was no electricity or heating. (this was about midnight)
next day i finally rang mum and confessed what had happened. she got me into a refuge.

We had literally what we stood up in. Ds was 4 with ASD and DD was 10 weeks old.

I have often questioned why that night. why not all the times he had held a knife to my throat/beaten me into miscarriage after impregnating me by rape/threw screwdrivers at me that narrowly missed DS/knocked Ds off a bed because he was trying to pull him off of me..the list could go on.

The answer is that i have no idea why.
I am jus glad i did

Aminata100 · 01/10/2010 21:41

The day he threw me down on the (village)road in Ibiza, I was 6 months pregnant, I even remember feeling embarassed Shock as a Spanish man asking me if I wanted him to call the police, and saying no, cos didn't want to get into that in a foreign country..

He finally left us in peace 8 months later.

{long story}

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