For those that have escaped from abuse, what was your tipping point?

[TheDevilWearsPrimark]

Another thread got me thinking about this. And for me it wasn't any of the times he beat me and was arrested, nor the times friends drove over to 'rescue' me.

It took a very long time and my final realisation was when he came home from work hammered at 11pm, with fish and chips for himself, knowing I had been stuck in all day hungry and without any money. He wolfed it down and kept nodding to an empty glass on the table, I realised he meant I should go get him water and almost did as I normally would. But then stopped myself. That was it.

When I logged onto our joint account to see if our housing benefit had come in after our move, only to find it had barely landed before XP had taken it all out to blow on drugs.

When I woke up one morning after a night out where I got really drunk (I don't usually do this), and went up to the room to check that I hadn't killed him. Right then I knew I had to go.

Step one was when he was threatening me with committing suicide, and his voice and Oscar worthy performance didn't match his eyes, which were watching me closely.

Step two was when I found his gay porn and wondered if one of the DCs was responsible for downloading it (to my eternal shame). Then a long ten seconds later I realised that no, it wasn't them. I could nearly hear my brain clicking trying to work it out. So stupid.

I put up with an endless amount of downright hostility, and threats and bruises. I apologised for my own existence, as this was something he seemed to need. But the realisation that he was a complete stranger and always had been was what did it.

Just the realisation that I would be leaving in a box if I didn't go to the police and get out that way.

He always said he didn't mean it when he threatened to kill me, but I know in those moments when he said it, that's exactly what he wanted to do.
And even though I'm living on my own now and out, I'm still under the bloody psycho's control, I don't think I'll ever be free of him.

when it became obvious that everyone knew what was going on - as long as they didn't realise I could live with it, but when all the neighbours, friends, people I worked with knew I couldn't cope with their sympathy/disgust/pity/horror so the next time the police dragged him away I was strong enough to not let him back.

I had an EA relationship when I was younger. I left after having a termination of his baby. He said he couldn't come to the hospital because he had to go to France with work. I found out that he didn't in fact go to France until the following day (Saturday) when I rang after the operation and he had in fact spent the Thursday night at a "friend's" house. He then refused to speak to me over the weekend as I was being too emotional but arranged to meet me on the Monday. He duly turned up with a pot plant (not the drug variety, the sit on your window sill variety) as if that made it all alright. I told him where to shove his pot plant and who to give it to!

And that should have been it but 3 yrs later after virtually constantly badgering me I gave him the benefit of the doubt and had him back. This time I left after spending 2.5hrs trying to get home from work so we could go for a weekend break. He then proceeded to rant at me how I shouldn't have gone that way but gone another way. I just turned around and walked straight back out again. Left all my stuff, everything. He hadn't changed but I certainly had.

However, didn't realise that it was actually a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship until about March this year (12 yrs after that last incident) and read the relationships thread on MN. Had the light bulb moment and suddenly felt empowered and free enough to cut off all contact and haven't and won't ever speak to him again. He had sporadically been contacting me every couple of months since that last incident (yes for 12 yrs and he has a girlfriend and I have a lovely DH and DS). Haven't felt the need to tell him why. Don't care what he thinks any more. I no longer have any responsiblity for his happiness. It was really liberating.

When he was being so so foul to me one night. Stood there and took it like I always did. Then I thought about my toddler godson, and realised that I could take it and cope with it, but that a tiny child couldn't, or shouldn't.

SO glad I left a few days later and never got pregnant by him. If I had, I might still be there. :(

Can hardly believe the first reason I came on MN was to look at the TTC threads.

The relief/release from fear when I walked out of that door was so incredible, I could practically taste it.

Good thread.

I left after a weekend when he decided to punish (not sure for what) by forbidding my 18-month old DD to look at me, speak to me, touch me or interact with me. For 22 straight hours.

I left after my friend left her husband. She put up with less than I did and I thought if she can go, so can I.

I was never able to verbalise what made me leave so I wrote this.....

A brand new day

Pain searing through me
wishing they could see
all the warm cosy families around
all they hear are the sounds.
scream I cry I beg him why?

What have I done to you to make you this way
Why am i so weak why do I stay?
Smiling the world can see I love him and him me
Back home the smiles will fade
I will suffer for another day

I hate this life all battered and torn
Maybe tomorrow when a new day dawns.....
Tomorrow has come the same again
I don't know how long i can hide this pain

"Don't hurt my mummy" a small voice cries
As on the floor his mummy lies
I am hearing my son I can't move to him
too weak to crawl to tired to stand
after being at the fate of this evil man

A new day is coming
My sons voice is drumming
22 months old and so wise you see
"Daddy don't hit Mummy, please daddy instead hit me"

my son is too precious for me to stay here
I must take him away where danger is not near
I will pack his bags and tell him to go
It will be very hard this i already know.

The new day is here
I brush aside a tear
a tear for my failings
for staying so long
A tear for my sons loss.
I walk in our bedroom and say
"i want you to go, you need to leave"
If you feel anything for us you'll go please"
Anger emerges, i call the police
They take him away....

Now begins a brand new day....................

He was looking down into my face and lecturing me and I just turned my back because I knew there was nothing I could say - apologies just led to more lectures - and I felt the whistle of air as he raised his hand up, and I thought, oh shit, the knife block's just there, and at the same time I thought oh ffs, just hit me and then I'll have a proper reason to leave.

Leaving was derailed a bit by a visit to Relate. Most of whom should be shot retrained.

But I did. Thank gods. Just a bit later on.

When he hit my 3 year old son for not eating his peas.

I stood there and told him that he could hit me, but he was never to hit my boys.

Lightbulb moment, I realised that by staying, I was enabling the abuse, the boys were seeing it even if he wasn't hitting them.

He broke into the house that night and tried to kill me, I knew I had done the right thing then

Daft really. Not any the times he called me names and abused me when he was drunk. It was the time he refused to drive me to work one morning when my usual bus was cancelled because he was hungover and couldn't be bothered getting out of bed. It suddenly occured to me that, despite the apologies and "I really do love you, I'm just not good at showing it," he really did not care about me at all.
I'm actually quite sad for him now. His father was also an alcoholic and a mean one. He's never seen a normal, respectful partnership to emulate. XP's mum was lovely but utterly worn down and humiliated by his dad and I didn't want to end up like her.

I was not in a "proper" abusive relationship, but probably only because it was early days and he had not reached those stages yet.

As for tipping point, I didn't have one. He got bored and dumped me. and I was absolutely devastated, I actually thought he was the love of my life and we had an excellent relationship. Even though every now and then I got this nagging feeling that maybe not everything is as it should be. How come I'm doing everything wrong suddenly? How come I have become stupid and am always saying the wrong things in his company? Why don't any of my friends like him? Was it really my wrong actions and behaviour that upset him (again), as he claims, or is he maybe over-reacting here? Is it him who is unreasonable?

Anyway, only a few years later I happened to read this and that was a total lightbulb moment. This is exactly how he was behaving! It was not my fault. I only wish I had found some info like that sooner.

Coming on mumsnet was the thing that opened my eyes to what was really going on in my relationship. Until then I'd been bending myself in knots trying to change in all the ways he told me I needed to in order to keep him happy.

What finally made me decide to leave (for good this time) was spending time with my friend and his wife and seeing how good their relationship was. I remember the three of us were having dinner and his wife made an off the cuff remark about some medical treatment his father was having that could have been construed as a bit rude. I got that icy 'oh fuck' feeling in the pit of my stomach because I naturally thought my friend would have a massive go at his wife and there would be a huge argument, but instead he just took it in the spirit it was intended and carried on the conversation. I was in such a wobbly state of high alert and my friend's totally normal reaction just threw into sharp relief how abnormal my own conditioned response had become.

After that it took a couple more months to finally end it; I dunno what it was about that night in particular but from then on I just never even thought about the possibility of staying and working it out. My relationship was suddenly dead to me.

madonna, what you wrote really brought back memories for me.

I also remember observing other couples and getting tense (almost holding ny breath) when the wife would do or say something that would have 'upset' my ex (and set off a day of life not being worth living). And then being amazed that the DH just responded normally and safely.

Actually, for ages after we escaped, I used to literally REVEL in it when other people's DHs would get angry about something. Their anger was always so SAFE and reasonable. Or even if not reasonable, just SAFE.

He attacked me, was arrested and cautioned, I filed for divorce, withdrew and wondered how I was going to get through another 14 years until DS grew up. 14 weeks later he was gone - he died after a brief illness.

Since he died I have suffered a recurring 'nightmare' that he is back but is still sick and I'm scared as i've taken control of everything and I don't know what he is going to do. I've had it twice this week already so I made an appointment today to see a counselor. I have never 'grieved' him as you would a loved one and I have to move on so working on it...

mw, that is awful

I hope you find some peace with a counsellor x

I have lovely DP now someone who I've known for twenty years; but there isn't a day goes by I don't think about H and what he was like

so sorry, mw x

My father was dying in hospital and he phoned me to accuse me of having an affair (a regular thing) because I hadn't come home when I said I would. My mum, sister and I had only just come out of a meeting in which we had decided to turn off my dad's life support machine. That was my lightbulb.

I don't know how, but I always knew I did not have to put up with my father's abuse. But the lightbulb moment came when I was 15 and I was begging my mother to help me cope with the beatings, the put downs, the EA which was a daily occurrence. She then advised me to try harder to please him and I immediately thought, 'I see. You chose to live this way. Well, I don't have to.' Few weeks later, I started packing my bags to go and live with my grandparents. Father kept throwing my things out of the rucksacks and suitcases and kept kicking me about. But I already knew that I would rather let him kill me there and then than live in that place for another minute. I think my mother noticed my determination and, terrified of what might follow, she broke down in tears and started shouting 'Just run, ybf, run!'. I went out of the door immediately and she threw me some money for a cab out of the window. I never went back. She still lives with him.

I was relieved then and I am to this day, although the memories are very distant now. Counselling is a wonderful thing :).

This is a great thread. So sad, yet also so inspirational