No real friends, feeling very down.

[CanNeverDecide]

I thought this fitted into relationships, sort of, which is why it's here.

So, I'm 32. Had some sort of realisation today that I really don't have any friends. Yes, lots of people I know, lots of people I could invite to a party or go out to dinner with, but no real friends - you know, the kind you can sit and just have a mindless natter with, call up at short notice to meet up, rely on in a crisis kind of thing. In short, no one (apart from family) who actually really gives a sh*t whether I'm alive or dead.

I know how I got here. Have always been in a 'group' of friends, e.g. at school/Uni etc. but they always seem to be the groups that disintegrate - never those strong ones that stay together. So my friendships are bitty, with none of them really knowing others, and most of them are geographically now far away.

I was 'off campus' in my first year at Uni, in a relationship with someone not at Uni, and doing a course I didn't really want to do - so I didn't come out of Uni with those great mates that many do. Then got married soon after and so didn't make as many new friends as I probably would have done if I were single.

Today I was just looking at facebook and I realised that I don't have what seems to be 'normal' for others. Someone I know with a new baby has a friend making lunch for her and bringing it over. I actually can't think of one person who would do that for me off their own back. Another friend was invited on holiday with someone, others are going to weddings nearly every weekend.

I've just burst into tears in front of my husband about this and he summed it up perfectly. I have no 'primary' friends - you know, the ones you've known for years that you've shared lots with. I have loads of 'secondary' friends, but those are people to whom I am not important, because I'm not one of their 'primary' friends.

Funniest thing is, I am a complete extrovert. Confident, outgoing, always been in the biggest social circles, but never any longevity in my friendships for some reasons.

Feeling so depressed today about it all, yet there is little I can do to change the past.

Am I alone? Any advice/tips/reassurance? Anything to make me feel better?

i'll be your friend :)

i am similar.. tho i do have a few very good friends. i have never been one for groups of people tho... so never had a big circle of friends at school or anything, neber really made friends at work.

few people who i have clicked with have become very good friends tho.

where do you live?

It sounds a bit like you've been spreading yourself a bit thinly IYSWIM - by being part of a big social circle it is easy to spend small amounts of time with lots of people. Deeper friendships usually take time and effort to grow.

Do you have any 'secondary' friends you think highly of? Do you think you could invite them for coffee and cake or out for a drink? You can give yourself the opportunity to bond one on one if you can be brave enough to put it out there.

You sound like a perfectly normal and nice person to me, I'll be your friend! :)

you have described me perfectly I am in exactly the same boat as you !!

I studied for my degree part time so never really integrated with the others and i have now moved away from where i grew up so have no close friends nearby.

to get friendships like you describe i think you really need to put the effort in - they don't just happen they need to be nurtured just like any other relationship.

Me too. Sorry no advice as I get down about it also. I have lots of people to chat to when I'm out and about but no-one that I could call up at short notice and just say I'm coming round. It makes me very unhappy sometimes, especially when I see friends looking after other friends children for no reason other than to give her a break. I just don't have anyone like that. I have friends I could call on in an emergency but not just for no reason. Sometimes I think I'm just not made for friendships like that. My sister on the other hand is still friends with people she was at nursery school with!

I'm hoping it'll change over time when the children get settled at school and we are with the same people for a while. But I'll look out for any tips anyone has.

Me too . I have no real friends, and Im only 24. I see facebook and people having girly nights, I couldnt even have a hen night as there is nobody to invite. Im totally normal, quite pretty, own my own home etc, but all my young friends have diffent lives (I have 2 kids), and I struggle to make friends as Im shy.
Anyon in Glos?!!!

sounds like me aswell...

How depressing is facebook when your life is nothing like that of everyone else?!

This thread is so sad, I have some good friends but I don't see much of them since having ds. I go to baby groups but I'm quite shy so never really talk to anyone. Where does everyone live?

This sounds exactly like me too, I've been part of groups and lots of people know me but I havn't actually got any friends. I would love someone I could just chat to regularly. I thought when ds was born that I'd be let into the secret mum club, where all the mums chat to each other and acknowledge each others existence. I know that's a bizaar idea now.

Anyone in Gloucester area want to adopt a friend?
Im a good friend too, if anyone needs one!

Norfolk

I have a few good mates but they are hundreds of miles away and being so tar apart it's hard to stay close. Don't have many friends here not close ones anyway and I'm normally confident and outgoing but have been very lonely since moving here and even more so since having my son.
I think we should all be friends!

Oh and I live in Bristol.

Facebook ''friends'' aren't real friends though. Best to have on close friends and some aquaintances.

I'm in Brizzle Rosedee :)

I am exactly the same! Have one friend from primary school and then my family. Tonnes of acquaintances but noone who would make me lunch either. So don't worry!

I'm in the same boat here.
On the plus side, I can now reassure my mum that I'm not the only one with no friends!

Are you? How cool. I do find it hard getting to know people and I don't know why! Inever used to be like this. Always had loads of friends but all my really good friends are so far away andno one seems to want to get to knowme or meet up even the mums imeet.

Funny, I'm the other way round and feel shitty about that too!

Have primary friends, who'd be there for me in a crisis, and vice versa.

But don't have many secondary friends who you just kick about with and do light hearted stuff.

So as a consequence, most of my friendships feel like bloody hard work.

I'd love to be invited to a wedding, or a party, or for a curry and a chat about X factor

Instead, I'm forever being summonsed for pow-wows about marital discord/bullied children/impending diagnoses.

Bummer.

I have to go now but will keep an eye on this thread.

Rosedee I have PMd you :)

Thanks everyone. Feeling a bit better after a bag of giant choccy buttons. Have found that after having DD1, became more isolated from friends who were further away and still single, as life is so different. Now pregnant with DC2. Yes, where is that secret mums club? I'm in the East Mids, by the way. I agree about nurturing friendships - perhaps I've let life and work get in the way a bit. Often been too caught up in husband/house/work to spend as much time with friends as I should have done - and then they drift away. Especially when geographically far, makes it harder. But really good to know I'm not alone.

Ooooh new baby = good socialising opportunities! Ante natal if you get the chance, and then mum and baby/toddler groups are great. Just be brave and chat to people, and don't be scared to say "fancy going to get a cuppa?" at the end so you can carry on chatting! And congratulations. And well done on the choccy buttons, you and your baby need them