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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Being watched?

67 replies

CuppaT · 29/09/2010 10:52

Hello, I have been on Mumsnet for some years but have not posted for a while. Have had some fantastic advice before. I have spent years trying to leave my P and have, the past few months, left him and got myself and DCs a house. He is still very much in our lives and I have probably allowed him in a bit too much in that he did some jobs around the house and stayed over a few nights as he wanted to tuck kids in bed etc.

This was working OK and I genuinely thought he'd had a wake-up call and was changing.

However, the last few weeks I saw him reverting back. We had some huge rows and I snapped and said enough was enough, I wanted him out and he could see the DCs as much as he wanted but not me.

He talks and talks and talks to me and calls all the time and turns up trying to talk me around. One day he sat in his car outside the house just not moving for about 2 hours.

I know he loves me and wants us to work out and part of me still loves him but I'm fed up with the rows and the nastiness and name calling. I just really want to me on my own.

I'm not out to hurt him or anything or meet someone else or fleece him for everything he's got or make his life hell. I just want to be on my own!

Anyway, I could go on and on but what I'm leading to is..........he left us with the main computer and bought himself a laptop. He has managed to sync the computers so he can control the computer in my house from his laptop and mobile phone. I have realised that he has been switching on the built-in webcam and watching us and possibly listening too and is able to see everything I am doing on the computer and can control it.

I am not really sure how to deal with this as I'm not always sure when he's switched it on.

WWYD???

OP posts:

emmyloulou · 29/09/2010 16:03

I'll say it again, people need to stop telling you to use your pc as it must be ok if you have covered your camera up so they can't see you - it must be ok, it's not.

If you think you have serious malware on your pc that is being used to remotley access your pc. Do not run it, or connect it, let someone who knows what they are doing do it. It won't be just switching it on and running an anti v, you have no idea what's on that pc.

Yeah they can't see you if you cover your camera, they have access to all your pc, details, phots, contacts, email. Not to mention nasty things can be done from the guise of "your" pc.

Anyone who thinks their pc has been compromised in this way for the love of god don't switch it on just to use here and there or run malware bytes or something. Get someone to look at it, it's the latest scam going around at the moment where people get remote access to your pc, (not the case here obv) but it is relatively common says the hubs. If any of you get caught like this you are asking for shit plugging your pc in.

BelleDameSansMerci · 29/09/2010 16:16

emmyloulou is absolutely right.

cestlavielife · 29/09/2010 16:20

"He's back with his parents and tells me over and over again I've left him with nothing. "

it is pure emotional bllackmail -
dont let him in your house, do what they told you re@ computer and talk thru with womens aid abotu setting the boundaries and seting up regular contact for the dc without you being there. and NOT in your house -somewhere else.

he does not love you he just wants to control you...

but yes he could turn v nasty...

cestlavielife · 29/09/2010 16:50

read this and contact suzy lamplugh trsut
www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/expartners-are-most-dangerous-type-of-stalkers-728135.html

you do have to take this behviour seriously - when you tell him to stop he likely wont take it nicely and jsut go off and do his won thing...

also if you can, just give him back the computer (if he says he neeeds stuff from teh ahrd drive) and get another one eg cheap netbook for now.

my ex got stalker ish - it was scary...

SolidGoldBrass · 29/09/2010 17:00

You need to report this to the police, then see a solicitor and get a non-molestation order against this man, ie you need to get him legally forbidden to have any contact with you. You also need to insist on supervised contact only for the DC. Hit hard and fast with men like this, because his behaviour is so far beyond what is acceptable that there is no point at all in trying to be reasonable. Men like this, who believe that you are property rather than a person, are extremely dangerous.

DiscoSquish · 29/09/2010 18:38

Please report this to the police :(

Please DON'T do ANYTHING to your computer or anything else until after the Police have dealt with this. Just unplug it.

MIssAnneThrope · 29/09/2010 19:33

Completely agree with SGB. Honestly me dear, This is Sleeping With The Enemy territory - not just 'behaving badly' but 'psycho'.

malinkey · 29/09/2010 21:42

Also, be careful if you think he might have bugged your mobile. I am no techie so don't know how you can check this but maybe you could pick up a cheap PAYG phone to talk to the police/Women's Aid on so you know he's not listening in? And probably don't do it at home if you think that he might have bugged the house too.

Good luck and keep safe.

whomovedmychocolate · 29/09/2010 21:50

PLEASE DO NOT DO ANYTHING TO LET HIM KNOW YOU KNOW and give your PC to the police immediately. He could quite easily transfer child porn or anything else to your machine if he knows you've rumbled him. TURN OFF, HAND IT IN.

Original poster

CuppaT · 30/09/2010 09:35

Just want to thank everyone for their advice.

I had a chat to my mum last night and told her everything, she was really upset and worried about me.

She is going to stay with me for a bit and I have spoken to WA last night who gave some great advice also.

I have completely disconnected the computer and when I get chance today I am going to call the local police and go from there.

I know a few coppers myself and was thinking maybe I should have a chat with one of them but WA advised it best to keep it official so that is what I need to do.

I'm probably more scared now than ever, couldn't sleep last night!

He rang three times last night and was really p'eed off, obviously because he has lost control of the mac.......he rings to speak to the kids before going to bed and when I speak to him he trys analysing everything and going over everything again and when I say no, I don't want to talk anymore he gets really shitty with me.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 30/09/2010 09:38

just focus on passing phone on to kids only and don't engage. have a few lines ready broken record technique "got to go now bye" and cut off.

when you say " no, I don't want to talk " you ened to follow thru with "bye" and cut off. thn if he rings back jsut ignore.

you can also leave him ranting and just put phone down somwhere so you not actually engaging listening - "fun" to do soemtimes - amazng how they dont even notice you not actually listening! at least as an experiement it shows you that is all about him not you...

wonka · 30/09/2010 09:41

Well done you.. I'd sell the computer snd buy a new one.. stay safe!

RamblingRosa · 30/09/2010 09:57

Please do report it to the police.

What you're describing sounds very much like what happened to my cousin. Her ex-P had gained access to her computer, her work email, her facebook account etc and would do that lurking outside the house thing.

She reported it to the police and they took it very seriously. She also kept everything (emails, texts, a record of when things happened).

It turned out to be crucial as he ended up in court (not saying this will happen with your exP) and all of this evidence was really important.

My cousin said that the police were incredibly supportive.

LittleMissHissyFit · 30/09/2010 10:38

When he rings to say good night to the DC, just hand the phone to them, and then when they are finised hang up....

Don't let him get to you at all.

You poor love!

Could you afford to buy a new PC, and sell the other one?

malinkey · 30/09/2010 12:52

Well done, that's great that you've got your mum with you and I'm glad you've spoken to WA.

Yes, I bet he's furious now that he can't access your computer. Hopefully that also means that he hasn't got any more cameras rigged up anywhere else? Please have a check won't you as that icam thing can remotely view more than one camera?

And I agree, please make it official with the police (it might be handy to have police friends too) and start making a record of any future incidents in case you need the evidence.

tb · 30/09/2010 14:56

Given that the pc might be needed as evidence, I wouldn't sell it, clean it up or anything like that.

I would, if you can afford it buy another one - and preferably not a Mac so he can't play with it.

If you make some sort of excuse if he's round and sees the new one/old one unplugged, don't let him take it away.

Would agree with reporting it to the police.

Hope it works out for you.

Ipom · 30/09/2010 18:43

Bin the computer - and go without until you can get one for yourself.

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