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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being watched?

67 replies

CuppaT · 29/09/2010 10:52

Hello, I have been on Mumsnet for some years but have not posted for a while. Have had some fantastic advice before. I have spent years trying to leave my P and have, the past few months, left him and got myself and DCs a house. He is still very much in our lives and I have probably allowed him in a bit too much in that he did some jobs around the house and stayed over a few nights as he wanted to tuck kids in bed etc.

This was working OK and I genuinely thought he'd had a wake-up call and was changing.

However, the last few weeks I saw him reverting back. We had some huge rows and I snapped and said enough was enough, I wanted him out and he could see the DCs as much as he wanted but not me.

He talks and talks and talks to me and calls all the time and turns up trying to talk me around. One day he sat in his car outside the house just not moving for about 2 hours.

I know he loves me and wants us to work out and part of me still loves him but I'm fed up with the rows and the nastiness and name calling. I just really want to me on my own.

I'm not out to hurt him or anything or meet someone else or fleece him for everything he's got or make his life hell. I just want to be on my own!

Anyway, I could go on and on but what I'm leading to is..........he left us with the main computer and bought himself a laptop. He has managed to sync the computers so he can control the computer in my house from his laptop and mobile phone. I have realised that he has been switching on the built-in webcam and watching us and possibly listening too and is able to see everything I am doing on the computer and can control it.

I am not really sure how to deal with this as I'm not always sure when he's switched it on.

WWYD???

OP posts:
YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 29/09/2010 12:12

Excellent. Call them as soon as you can, before you start telling yourself that this isn't too bad, or that you're overreacting. Because if anything you are under reacting to this. Time to get angry.

Original poster
CuppaT · 29/09/2010 12:13

Right, OK will do. I've got a tech guy who does all the pcs in work and I've given him a ring, just waiting for him to call back.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
malinkey · 29/09/2010 13:24

I agree that you're under reacting - this behaviour sounds really creepy to me. I think most people would be outraged by the thought of an ex spying on them in their own home.

"I cannot wait for the day he gets a new life and moves on!!"

Unfortunately, this isn't likely to happen if you carry on allowing him in the way you have done. You said you want to be on your own but do you know you are allowed to be? You don't have to justify anything to this man or try and persuade him that you're not trying to be horrible.

The only way you can deal with him is to set boundaries and get professional help. I think the police are much better at dealing with stalking these days. Have you thought about having counselling for yourself at all?

malinkey · 29/09/2010 13:32

Here is some advice from the Network for Surviving Stalking. Have a read and see if any of it rings a bell.

Original poster
CuppaT · 29/09/2010 13:57

Thank you malinkey - some of the stuff on that website does unfortunately seem scarily familar and some of the case studies are frightening. I have called my Mum to call around to my house and unplug everything.

Shivers are running through my body now, I am scared Sad

OP posts:
wonka · 29/09/2010 14:01

you should be able to reformat the computer to the point prior to spybot being installed.
change the password to your network setings too

GypsyMoth · 29/09/2010 14:01

maybe ring womens aid? they can support you,this is abuse!

proudnglad · 29/09/2010 14:03

Cuppa I'm sorry you are scared, this is so shocking. You will be okay, honestly, you will. Am glad your mother is coming over.

emmyloulou · 29/09/2010 14:17

How do you know it's him with remote access to the pc?

You do know if you have a virus or pop ups these will come up in the history even though you haven't vistied them as such?

If it is remote access, spyware, etc won't help you, you need to unplug it from the net 1st then get a specialist to look at it.

malinkey · 29/09/2010 14:17

Sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you!

Please contact the police or Women's Aid - they will know what to do.

emmyloulou · 29/09/2010 14:21

Hold on guys!!!!!!!!!! Although this could be v.potentially serious, and if it is op disconnect that pc from the net asap.

How do you know it's NOT malware or a virus, resulting in these symbols and the random history, all can be symptomatic of ordinary malware? Better safe than sorry but what you typed in your last post could be a pc with just a virus.

LittleMissHissyFit · 29/09/2010 14:24

Cuppa, you poor love!

Thank God for all these wonderful techy bods here, really hope you can get the police to sort him out.

this is not normal, don't put up with it.

Original poster
CuppaT · 29/09/2010 14:32

I think I will malinkey - thank you. You didn't scare me, just making me aware which I'm grateful for!

Emmy-my ex-P is a Mac expert and the Mac in my house is set up with his configurations, I'm sure he could make it dance if he wanted to. He is very knowledgeable with them and in the history I found a program called icam which I googled and you can use it to view stuff on your iphone as well as another mac/macbooks. There is a little icon, like a camera lens on the top right of the screen and a little icon, like a computer monitor also. There is also a tiny green light that can be faintly seen on the screen if the camera is switched on. He also told me before that to access his hard-drives he needs to access the desktop of my mac, so yeah I'm quite sure he is.

There is also a pop-up blocked on which does work as I never get pop-ups.

OP posts:
emmyloulou · 29/09/2010 14:38

You need to unplug it from the net and find out exactly what is on it. There are lots of v nasty remote access viruses going around at the moment.

But if you think it's him, unplug it, get someone to look at it and note the evidence.

Then go to the police, you MUST unplug it from the net, don't do anything on it until it's looked at unplug it straight away.

When I say pop ups, things like signing into a hotmail account or coming on a website with adds, can generate web history. It's not always literally "pop ups"

Original poster
CuppaT · 29/09/2010 14:38

Also, about two weeks ago he told me he could see the dog walking around and sleeping on the sofa while I was out.......I just didn't think it odd at the time???!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
CuppaT · 29/09/2010 14:39

Thank you emmy....so can it only be remotely accessed through the internet/router?

OP posts:
malinkey · 29/09/2010 14:42

"Also, about two weeks ago he told me he could see the dog walking around and sleeping on the sofa while I was out.......I just didn't think it odd at the time???!!!!!"

Do you think he was trying to let you know he was spying on you?

Original poster
CuppaT · 29/09/2010 14:44

Perhaps he was or maybe he just slipped up as he never really liked the dog on the sofa so it obviously bugged him.

He also sometimes talks to the kids through Skype so I think I just linked it to that?

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 29/09/2010 14:45

CuppaT not sure if this will help in terms of reporting him. The behaviour of your ex is concerning even without the PC element so I'd report (and keep a diary) if I were you.

stubbornhubby · 29/09/2010 14:48

CuppaT

  • of course, unplug the router and he can't connect to your PC (but you can't go on the net so that's hardly a solution ...)
  • unplug the webcam from the PC and he can't see or hear you.
Original poster
CuppaT · 29/09/2010 14:49

Thank you - sorry for probably asking the obvious!

OP posts:
Original poster
CuppaT · 29/09/2010 14:51

Thanks Belle - I hate that it has come to this. It could be so much easier. It makes everything so serious and difficult for the DCs.

OP posts:
emmyloulou · 29/09/2010 15:02

Yes he won't be able to but you must not connect the pc to the net now you know it's being remotely accessed, so it is a solution for now.

You must get someone who knows what they are doing to log and asses what is on the pc. Then thoroughly clean it, normal anti v etc don't tend to work on stuff like this it can be deeply imbedded and hidden.

Then you can use it again but if someone is remotely accessing your pc you need to dc it from the net asap.

ratspeaker · 29/09/2010 15:34

I was thinking spybot and malwarebytes would remove keyloggers and that switching of remote access would stop him getting in.
But is he's really savvy and could have embedded anything I'd stop using the pc and swich off modem and router for a while.
I go as far as suggesting you may have nothing to loose reporting it to the police,they may take the pc away but do you want to use it anyway?

If you have net access at work reset all your site passwords from there.

I'd be tempted to buy a new laptop and maybe a new router but dont switch on your current pc until you feel comfortable that its safe.

PigeonPie · 29/09/2010 15:43

CuppaT are you using a Mac? Because I think that there are differences between the built-in camera on a Mac or iMac than on a PC.

I've just looked up about turning off a Mac camera and it doesn't look as though you can unless it's through the application which it's using. If you go to Finder you can see what applications are installed. Are there any you don't recognise?

Alternatively, for now, put some tape / blu tac over the camera, but remember that the microphone will still be working.

Get it checked out asap and disconnect the router when you're not using it.