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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Desperate for help

29 replies

deepinthedoldrums · 29/09/2010 10:38

Long story. My DH left his job as MD in a design company as he wanted to be his own boss. Things didn't turn out too well, mostly because he isn't very good at finding new clients. He then decided he was going to invent a new exercise device which he would build at home and then market via advertising.
To do this he needed capital and so offered our house as security to the bank.
I was not happy about this as I was very doubtful that he would he able to make a go of this new idea. I felt pressured into agreeing to sign the bank papers as I was trying to be supportive and thought he deserved a chance.
Within a few months he had failed to sell any of his products and the bank wanted their money back (£60K). I then found out he had lots of bills from suppliers, another £30K. We had bailiffs at the door and he had court judgements against him so we can't get another mortgage.
We managed to sell the house before the bank foreclosed on us but we were left with hardly any capital. We moved into a rented house and he claimed benefits for us and DS, aged 4.
That was three years ago. I was so desperate I took a part time job and have been worried sick about the benefits agency finding out. My DH is currently sitting upstairs in his study trying to write a novel as a way out of our situation.
He can't find another management job and refuses to try anything 'demeaning' despite having lots of DIY skills he could try to use to earn some money.
On top of all this he is picking on my son who seems to have become a scapegoat for DH's frustrations. I know he is depressed and worried but it isn't my son's fault.
I am on anti depressants and very stressed, seeing a psychiatric nurse.
I am desperate to know what to do. I still love my DH but feel I can't cope with all the worry and tension for much longer.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 29/09/2010 10:43

so its benefit fraud....simple.

we all have problems but you need to stop asap

he needs a reality check and needs to get himself down to the jobcentre...why is he allowed to get away with this laziness? why arent the jobcentre working with him? is it jsa he's claiming?

Champersonice · 29/09/2010 10:44

Oh no - poor you! This isn't good. If you still have love for your DH then that is a start. I don't mean to sound blunt but he needs to get a job - whatever he can do to start getting bills paid. He sounds a bit of a daymdreamer and you are supporting that. Sitting writing a book doesn't pay the bills but he could work (and write in his spare time!). If the book takes off, then great but if not, he would still be earning. Sorry but it sounds like he needs a kick up the backside. As for taking it out on your DS, that is inexcusable. You really need to sit down with him and talk this over.

Sorry, I don't think I have been much help!

tooposhtopost · 29/09/2010 10:55

Leading a double life of which you are ashamed and which you continually dread being exposed is immensely stressful. So is change. BUT change is only short term whereas the double life (benefit fraud) will linger and get you down more and more. I imagine it is the same feeling as women have when trying to leave an abusive husband - the hurdle of change prevents them from getting a better life.

You need to STOP claiming benefit if you are working. Have a look at housing benefits, family tax credits etc and make sure you are not missing out. There is a lot of legitimate help available. I presume you are paid cash in hand meaning you have no holiday pay, no sick pay, no employment rights. On the plus side, once you do this all legally, you will start accruing those rights. Tell your DH that you are sympathetic but he MUST start outside work with a salary. He can get up early to write a few pages of his novel every day. Depression is (sometimes) a luxury of the under occupied, harsh as that may be to say. If the welfare system collapsed tomorrow and you had no money for food, your DH would be out and looking for work in a shot - and grateful to find any job. He will begin to recover his self esteem once he is earning.

Your alternative is to continue as you are and live your life in dread and fear awaiting that moment when you are arrested, charged and pictured in the local paper as a benefits cheat who is stealing money from all the rest of us who work hard and live off what we earn rather than taking a free ride off others. Meanwhile your DH will sink into the black hole of depression which will be harder and harder to climb out of.

Your DS deserves more from you both.

Good luck. Do it.

cestlavielife · 29/09/2010 11:06

what you do is your choice, and your H his - but when it imapct son a child you have to take action...

make it clear to H - he gets help for his depression and does something relaistic about geting a job - or you will leave.

come clean about your job - eventually they will catch up with you.

are you working more than 16 hours a week? then make it legal and calim relevant tax credits etc. you may still be entitled to HB.

Mindovermatter · 29/09/2010 11:32

Err why exactly are you with your husband again? What does he do to make you and your child happy?
Also if you were a single parent you would get more money in tax credits etc.
He needs to wake up and smell the coffee, your husband is a dreamer, but dreaming up ideas doesn't pay the bills!!!

deepinthedoldrums · 29/09/2010 12:22

Thanks for the responses everyone. My DH is over 50 so not much chance of a 'proper' job. I have been offered a full-time post which might mean we could get back on our feet.
Trouble is DH doesn't like the idea of looking after our son (he is 4) while I work so I will have to continue to pay for a childminder, which I do now anyway with pt job.
We had a row last night when I told him about the job offer and he said he was just 'my baby sitter' now.
I know if I said I was leaving he would not try to stop me as he blames me for wanting to have DS (he was enthusiastic at the time). I think he would be glad to be rid of us TBH.
I want to be supportive and loyal, but feel I am going under.

OP posts:
Squitten · 29/09/2010 12:27

If you really think that he doesn't want you around and he is actively making your son's life miserable then I think you know everything you need to know.

What is the point of staying with him?

8rubberduckies · 29/09/2010 12:31

What a horrible situation to be in, it does sound like your partner is depressed as well as you, but I'm afraid he needs a wake-up call as well as getting some help regarding his current state of mind. My partner dislikes his job and cannot find anything else at the moment he would rather do, but he knows he has to stick with the job for the meantime as we have a young child and he has debts, otherwise we wouldn't be able to afford our rent, bills, childcare etc.

Your partner is obviously a bit more than a daydreamer, he is clearly deluded. Which is fine if you are single with no-one else to think about, but he must be mad if he thinks that writing a novel is going to feed and clothe your son. Yes, there is a small chance you have the next Jonathan Franzen tapping away in your spare room, but even he took up to a decade to write each of his novels.

As other posters have said, I think he needs to accept he is depressed, and that he is being unfair on his child, and agree to take steps to get some help through his GP with this. I think he also needs to accept that he is in real danger of jeopradising your relationship, so you do need to threaten to leave if he doesn't sort himself out.

With your job, you may find you don't lose much in the way of benefits if you declare the extra work, all depends on how many hours you are working and how much you are taking home.

corygal · 29/09/2010 12:46

128,000 books get published a year and most of them don't pay more than 3k - if you're lucky.

For all your sakes, he needs a reality check (not a DSS cheque) fast.

cestlavielife · 29/09/2010 13:02

your poor poor DS - his own dad sees looking after him as a chore....no wonder he picks on him...

isnt he at school anyway? so we talking pre and after school care? still gives your H time to write and dream (if you think that is ok to do so ) while you go to work and pay bills...

this is not a partnership is it?

and yes, if he would like you to leave i suggest you do, so you ds doesnt grow up living around someone who does not want him ...

Champersonice · 29/09/2010 13:22

...and do you really want your DH to care for your DS when he obviously resents him and may pick on him?? I am really sorry that you are living this but your DS needs you to help his life be better. I know it's hard but you need to get rid of DH so that your DS can grow up in a loving and caring home. How dare DH blame YOU for wanting DS. If that is the way he feels then yes, corygal has hit the nail on the head - he needs a reality check NOT a DSS cheque.

deepinthedoldrums · 29/09/2010 14:16

I am worried about the friction between DH and DS. We adopted him aged 2 and he has already been with 3 sets of foster parents so has had a lot of upheaval.
DH told me recently he had only agreed to adoption plan as he was afraid I would leave him otherwise. I was very, very careful to discuss adoption with DH beforehand and would never have him left him even if he hadn't been willing.
He has two sons by first marriage and hardly ever sees them, blaming first wife, and had a vasectomy. We discussed adoption before we were married and our social worker told me they were 'very impressed' with him as a potential adopter.
I feel very upset that he is now attempting to blame me for the decision because he can't cope.

OP posts:
8rubberduckies · 30/09/2010 12:53

It sounds like your partner is throwing lots of hurtful statements at you - they might be true, or they might just be designed to hurt you, I don't know, but you're right to feel worried about your ds... it's horrible growing up not feeling wanted by one of your parents, I know, and children pick up on things so easily. Another good reason to bring things to a head so something has to change I think. Hope you've had a good chance for a talk since yesterday.

AnyFucker · 30/09/2010 13:52

if you take the FT job and have to pay for childcare, then I say your husband may as well longer have a role in both your lives

what does he bring to the table?? (I am not talking just financially)

his bad decisions have brought you to the brink of run, but he takes no responsibilty for them

he is a dreamer who thinks it "beneath him" to get off his arse and support his family

he would be quite happy for you to half kill yourself and pay someone else to look after your adopted son (who needs stability in his life not a childminder when his father is at home)

he knows you are cheating the benefits system, but still refuses to find work even though you may end up with a ciminal record and your name splashed over the local newspapers

I would bet my last fucking red cent he does no domestic work around the house

above even all this...he is dismissive and cruel towards your son

truly...get rid of the dead wood and make a life for you and your son without this idiotic waste of space

Portofino · 30/09/2010 13:57

What Anyfucker said!

"Trouble is DH doesn't like the idea of looking after our son (he is 4) while I work " I am speechless at the lazy fecker!

SolidGoldBrass · 30/09/2010 14:02

Throw this man out. YOu may need help from Women's Aid or at least moral support, but get rid of him. He is an utter parasite who sees other people as there for his benefit and, given his age, will not change.

You can get free legal advice on ways to cut your finances loose from his - if he says he will be homeless, bankrupt etc, then tell him it;s his own fault and certainly his problem. He wants you to devote your life to looking after him while he wanks away dreaming of fame and fortune - this is, unfortunately, a classic abuser pattern.

IUsedToBeFab · 30/09/2010 14:07

I can't think of a single good reason for you to stay with this man. Sad

Your child deserves better especially as he has such an unsettling start to life. The adoption panel being impressed with him means fuck all and makes me Sad and Angry that they can't see..sorry scrap that not relevant.

You need to stop claiming benefits as you are not entitled to them as you are working and if you get found out having little money will be the least of your worries.

AnyFucker · 30/09/2010 14:10

may as well no longer have a role in your lives...

sorry, stupid typo

ItsGraceAgain · 30/09/2010 14:14

I'd recommend making a CAB appointment to find out what your real options are. You can't be living a luxurious lifestyle now, so I bet you can sort out an equivalent level of comfort - which will feel a lot better, without this emotional & financial parasite hanging around making you nervous!

What you wrote about his previous family says it all really. He believes the world exists purely for his convenience, and feels entitled to get angry when the world wants something back from him.

I'm really sorry for the turmoil you must be feeling. Please start freeing yourself today!

twolittlemonkeys · 30/09/2010 14:25

I'm really quite Angry on your behalf and :( for you and your DS. You need stability, not a DH who, as ItsGraceAgain pointed out, is an emotional and financial parasite. I have little time for people who refuse to work to support their families because they have some half-baked idea that they reckon will make them rich. He has gambled away your home, security and your happiness while he lives in cuckoo-land. He has the audacity to take it out on your DS, who, by the sounds of it, has been through enough trauma and needs a loving stable home, and makes you work and send DS to a childminder. Sorry but depression or not, he's a joke. I can't believe what a sense of entitlement he has! You and your DS would be better off without him, living legitimately, rather than in fear of being discovered.

thumbwitch · 30/09/2010 14:30

I apologise to all other posters for not reading their responses, only the OP's posts.

Your H sounds like a truly selfish knob.
He is living in cloud cuckoo land with his pipe dreams, you and the Govt are supporting him sitting on his arse and he can't even be bothered to look after a DS he had to jump through hoops to adopt??

Remind yourself of why you want to be with this selfish leech?

In fact, I have noticed twolittlemonkeys' post above mine and she says a lot of what I feel too - please decide in favour of your DS's happiness and, seeing as your H won't bother his arse to do childcare, ship out and start again on your own.

deepinthedoldrums · 30/09/2010 15:05

Thank you all so much for the comments - I think I have become very worn down by the whole situation and lost a lot of my self confidence. I know he is unlikely to change and in some ways his behaviour is abusive towards me and DS. I need to make a move.

OP posts:
Taghain · 30/09/2010 15:14

I don't think it's fair to recommend that you leave him or throw him out on the strength of what you've written. The man is depressed and you've said that you love him so I presume that leaving would be hard for you.

Having said that, he either needs help or he needs to get off his arse, which one comes first I can't say. First he needs to stop living in a daydream world and to take more responsibility for you & for his son. That means accepting that although he has been the MD of a company he is not a good self-employed businessman so he needs to look for work. 50 isn't old if you've got the right attitude, which may mean reporting to a 30-year old. You got one, didn't you. If he won't do that he should accept being a house-husband, many men are and many men enjoy it.

You should stop claiming, too. The money's not worth the risk to your health. Take the full-time job, meet more people, and you may see a way out of your mess.

Good luck.

thumbwitch · 30/09/2010 15:24

Taghain, it is pretty difficult for men over 50 to get a job - it was when my father was made redundant nearly 28 years ago and it won't be much better in the current economic climate. They're too close to retirement age - unless they are very high up or in a very specialised area.

AnyFucker · 30/09/2010 15:26

I also accept this man will struggle to find work in the current climate

I can't expect his interview technique will be very good...Hmm

So, having accepted that, he should do what he can.

And spitting the dummy out at having to look after his own son, while his wife works, is a fucking deal-breaker to me.

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