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Original poster

Sexless marriage but too late to leave?

44 replies

isittoolate · 27/09/2010 19:03

Hello I'm new here so please be gentle.
I am 34 and have been married to my 47 year old husband for 7 years and together for 11 years. He is a wonderful man who would literally do anything for me and is kind and gentle. However, we have never really had a sex life. This is because he is just not a sexual person at all and seems to have no desire. When we were first together we had a little sex but it petered out to nothing. I know I was foolish to think things would change but I married him thinking it would. The only answer he has ever given me is "we just don't do we? Yes we need to sort it out" I just can't explain how painful and lonely it is to have no physical intimacy whatsoever for so many years. The last time we had sex was over 4 years ago. The problem is as the years go on, I simply don't fancy him anymore and see him as a best friend. However, I want children and am terrified that if I leave I am gambling my with my fertility. He would be a wonderful father and he wants children and would have sex to have them, it's just that there is no natural passion between us. I can't brush this under the carpet any longer. I am grateful for any comments and apologise for the length of this....

OP posts:
quiddity · 27/09/2010 19:14

What you've said isn't enough, please tell us a bit more.
After he says" yes, we need to sort it out," what happens? Does the conversation continue? If not, why not? Is he genuine about wanting to sort it out, do you think?
When you did have sex, how was it? Who used to start it? Were there any physical problems?
Is he physically affectionate in other ways?
When you say " there is no natural passion between us," do you mean you aren't interested either? Or have you been put off by his lack of interest?

thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 27/09/2010 19:15

What a sad situation. At 34 you still have years of life and marriage ahead of you, can you really imagine never having sex again (other than to conceive children)? If you both feel the same, that would be fine but if you don't, you're really compromising something major. I couldn't do it.

Has your DH ever been to the doctor or sought help with this? You could go to Relate for specific therapy. I hope you can find a way to work through this.

droves · 27/09/2010 19:32

spike him with viagra ! Grin

.No seriously , id ask him to go to the doc and check that there isnt a problem with his man meat .
If it isnt rising to the occasion , then your never gona get some action tbh.

He sounds lovely in every other way , btw. i hope you can get it sorted. Smile

Original poster
isittoolate · 27/09/2010 19:52

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I truly appreciate it.

quiddity - After our 'chats' he goes silent - he looks in physical pain that we have had to discuss it - I think he wants to talk but is almost unable to somehow. I think he would love to sort it out as he truly would do anything to please me, but he says that he doesn't know how to start. When we have had sex it hasn't been great, always started by me and he is almost embarrassed about it. He is very affectionate in every other way, holding hands and saying lovely things etc. The best way to describe how I feel is that over the years he has poured a little water on any flame of passion I had for him....eventually the fire goes out.

TNMFS - I can't imagine never having sex again and constantly fantasise about it. Sometimes it is easier than others and I can manage with 'content' but others I am in physical pain about the situation. I have been to relate and a private counsellor and he came to the second relate session (years ago) but he was so uncomfortable with it, I didn't ask him to go again. The private counsellor was a bit useless she just sad that it was a difficult dilemma and she couldn't really help me! It is hard to find a good one when you live in a medium sized town, so I haven't tried again.

I brush everything under the carpet all the time but am so sad inside and I feel old and unwanted. My self confidence has plummeted.

Thank you again

OP posts:
castlesintheair · 27/09/2010 19:56

Aw, this is so sad. I'm really sorry for both of you. Can he go and see a counsellor on his own?

Original poster
isittoolate · 27/09/2010 19:59

He's not really a talker - he would go for me but I think he'd just say what he thought he 'should' say. I really think he doesn't know how to express himself.

OP posts:
castlesintheair · 27/09/2010 20:01

Maybe going to see a counsellor on his own will help him start to express himself. It sound's like there are serious issues regarding sex for him.

Malificence · 27/09/2010 20:04

The blunt truth is that you have to have sex, and a lot of it regularly, in order to have children.
He's 47, he's never going to change - he's either asexual, gay and in denial, or has deep issues about sex.

Every year you waste trying to fix him is another year you won't get pregnant.

FrogInAJacuzzi · 27/09/2010 20:39

isittoolate I agree with Malificence here. You have tried hard to resolve this by the sounds of it but you can't fix the situation on your own. You're still young and deserve to be with someone who loves AND desires you. You've only got half a marriage - I know its hard to leave a comfortable situation where you get along, have love and respect for each other - but seriously you may have to think about a separation. I suppose some people would consider having an open marriage or affairs but I know that wouldn't work for me and would hardly be ideal if you want to try for a baby.

My DH and I have had some considerable problems with sex recently so I understand how not being wanted by your own DH can make you feel terribly undesirable, unattractive and very unhappy. My heart goes out to you, it really does.

AnyFucker · 27/09/2010 20:48

oh dear, you poor thing

if you want a baby, you have to stop drifting

4 years ?

are you happy to throw away another 4 years, as your eggs all pop out one by one ?

I am sorry to be so blunt, but this man is being selfish and, because he won't seek help for what could be a fixable problem, he will stand by while your childbearing years go down the pan

or, as mal says, he is never going to be interested in sex with you, for reasons possibly out of his control

if that is the case, he should be honest and let you go to find someone who is

innerstrength · 27/09/2010 21:15

I agree with Mal and AF. I'm afraid I can't see him ever changing. I feel for you though, as it does sound like you do have love for him, and he gives you other things. But it is asking a hell of a lot of a 34 year old woman to basically be without sex or potentially children for another forty/fifty years (ie forever), which effectively means you are settling for some kind of semi relationship. Keep posting, this is a really tough one and very hard for you to know what to do.

thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 27/09/2010 21:20

I think the question is ultimately whether you can feel fulfilled if your life doesn't include children or a sexual relationship with your partner. Because that's what he's asking/assuming of you.

You do need to confront this, hard though I imagine it must be.

proudnglad · 27/09/2010 22:10

I knew a couple very close to me just like you and dh. They did go on to have 2 children but they split up recently as they had not had sex for 6 years. It began to dawn on them it wasn't marriage without intimacy and they both felt lonely, unwanted, frustrated adn ultimately resentful of each other and no longer felt like 'best friends'.

I'm afraid I strongly advise you to end this relationship BEFORE you have children. In my opinion it would be unfair to bring a baby into a marriage that has such a gaping problem and that could implode in the near future.

It is not too late at all for you to start again with someone else and have the children you so long for.

I too really feel for you and know this must be agonising for you.

AnyFucker · 27/09/2010 22:23

They are not even going to have children, though, at this stand-off

Something major is going to have to change ...

londonartemis · 27/09/2010 22:31

At 34 you have time to get pregnant, but I really think you should get your skates on.
Your DH is denying you children with this attitude. Why? Sounds like he wants a carer rather than a sexual woman.
I have every sympathy for you stuck in a bad married sex life. I have been there myself, but the answer is to do something about it, and not wonder about it for another year. It is difficult to do because your self esteem is probably very low, having been worn down by his lack of interest, but from experience, I advise you to please stand up for yourself: tell him he must go to sex counselling; that you want a baby; or you will go off and find someone else to get you pregnant.

quiddity · 27/09/2010 23:25

You two are obviously not going to be able to sort this out by yourselves, especially as you can't even talk about it and he's embarrassed by sex even when it happens/used to happen.
It's really unfortunate that when you did summon the nerve to go to a counsellor she was so useless.
But if it's possible to fix this at all, it will involve your DH talking to someone about it, perhaps his GP first to check whether there's a physical problem. If he's really so willing to do anything at all to make you happy, that's what he's going to have to do. You can't fix him and you can't handle his problem on his behalf.

It's very sad and I feel for both of you.

nagoo · 28/09/2010 00:17

you can get specific psychosexual conselling, and that's what you (both) definitely go for IMO.

Do you love him, and want to have children with him? Do you see a future if the sex problem is fixed?

Original poster
isittoolate · 28/09/2010 08:31

You are all so kind to reply. I do love him but I'm not sure it's in the right way.

My major fear is my fertility and age. I'm a few months off 35. If I left now it would take a while to meet the right person, date them and be in a position to have children with them, that potentially takes me to 37,38 or beyond. My alternative is to stay and have a baby but the basic issue would remain.

Also over the years of effectively being friends, I don't really fancy him anymore. He is a wonderful man though (breakfast in bed every day, dinner every night, helps out around the house - I'm not lazy by the way, just work v long hours!

OP posts:
Original poster
isittoolate · 28/09/2010 08:33

I'm not sleeping and crying all the time. I just wish I could turn the clock back and leave in my twenties. Hindsight....

OP posts:
nearlytoolate · 28/09/2010 08:42

You have to make a decision. Do you want to try to have children with him or do you want to leave and take a chance? Many people manage to have children after finding a partner in their late thirties, you have a good chance of this. No guarantees of course.
Or, do you love him enough to have a real honest talk about it? Have you discussed children before?
But, one thing you must not do, is procrastinate. You can't turn the clock back, so don't beat yourself up over regrets pfor what can't be undone, but you CAN do something today. Good luck.

YeahBut · 28/09/2010 08:48

You're not going to have a baby if you stay with him because you're not having sex. It's all very well to say what you want to hear - that he does want children and will have sex with you to get you pregnant - but if he isn't actually having sex with you, you will not have a baby.
What kind of an issue do you think it is? Is he capable of achieving and maintaining an erection? Do you know if he masturbates or uses porn?

BudaisintheZONE · 28/09/2010 08:51

You poor thing. But. I am you. 12 years further on.

I have one DS aged 9. Conceived through IVF. We were living in Asia at the time and went to a clinic and because of my age, 36, the doctor agreed to try artificial insemination (I was totally honest about the reason). When they tested DH's sperm it was not great so doc advised IVF. I was lucky and got pregnant first time. DH is a great dad and adores DS. We tried IVF again but it didn't work and I couldn't face trying again. I did got through stages where I was very sad that we would only have one child but I have accepted it now.

We tried counselling but as we don't live in the UK it is hard. I do remember at one session though DH was totally honest and said it wouldn't bother him if he never had sex again.

I made a decision to stay with DH because I couldn't take DS away from him. We live in Hungary and if I were to leave I would go home to Dublin so it would mean a huge upheaval for DS too (leaving school and friends as well as his home and Dad) which I am not prepared to do.

Am I happy? Yes. I am. Once I made the decision not to leave for DS's sake and to a lesser extent DH's, it became easier. And although I sometimes miss sex I have gotten to the stage that it doesn't bother me too much. Menopause helping that I think.

Would I change things? Yes. I would have left years ago. Before I had DS. I SO know what you mean about the fear of leaving at 34/35 and possibly not meeting someone. That is what kept me with DH.

Unfortunately nobody can make the decision except you.

I think at this stage if I were you i would have an honest talk with your DH. And tell him you both need to go for counselling and that you KNOW he finds it very hard but that if he wants you to stay he needs to do it. In fact as others have said maybe start with the GP. A full medical to ensure that there is nothing physical causing it. And then proper counselling.

londonartemis · 28/09/2010 09:09

isittoolate
I have been thinking about your post again overnight. I really can't emphasise enough that you must act now and confront this with your DH. I really feel for you.
Have you said anything to him yet since you posted? Please let us know when you do, as I think you will need a lot of support.
You are NOT too late to change partners and have children and find lasting and fulfilled happiness.

Original poster
isittoolate · 28/09/2010 10:24

Oh Budaisinthezone thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I cried while I read it as I have felt so alone in all of this and felt I was the only one.

We haven't spoken yet but I intend to tonight. I think I will insist on the GP and counselling again.

I do procrastinate and have been for so long but need to decide and take action one way or the other now, I know that.

To be honest I don't know if he can get an erection, he could when we last had sex. I am certain he doesn't use porn. I think he is just not a sexual person.

Thank you for thinking about this overnight londonartemis, you are all so kind and it is really helping to talk to someone.

OP posts:
Original poster
isittoolate · 28/09/2010 10:33

If counselling did help and somehow his desire returned, do you think it is possible for me to fancy him? Or do you think that once attraction has gone, it has gone?

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