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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sexless marriage but too late to leave?

44 replies

isittoolate · 27/09/2010 19:03

Hello I'm new here so please be gentle.
I am 34 and have been married to my 47 year old husband for 7 years and together for 11 years. He is a wonderful man who would literally do anything for me and is kind and gentle. However, we have never really had a sex life. This is because he is just not a sexual person at all and seems to have no desire. When we were first together we had a little sex but it petered out to nothing. I know I was foolish to think things would change but I married him thinking it would. The only answer he has ever given me is "we just don't do we? Yes we need to sort it out" I just can't explain how painful and lonely it is to have no physical intimacy whatsoever for so many years. The last time we had sex was over 4 years ago. The problem is as the years go on, I simply don't fancy him anymore and see him as a best friend. However, I want children and am terrified that if I leave I am gambling my with my fertility. He would be a wonderful father and he wants children and would have sex to have them, it's just that there is no natural passion between us. I can't brush this under the carpet any longer. I am grateful for any comments and apologise for the length of this....

OP posts:

BenHer · 28/09/2010 10:37

Impossible I'd say.If he was born devoid of the filth gene you are flogging a dead horse.Either leave or take a lover.Discuss it with him.

BudaisintheZONE · 28/09/2010 11:19

I don't know the answer to that one I'm afraid isittoolate. I don't fancy DH either but I think that given the right circumstances and lots of wine if he was interested I could have sex with him. And enjoy it. And that might lead to more. I think the old phrase 'use it or lose it' is very true in this instance!

thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 28/09/2010 18:51

I've been thinking a lot about this too. I really feel for you OP. It makes me very sad for you as I think you are missing out on so much intimacy.

After being in an intimacy starved relationship previously myself, I now love the fact that with DP, sex is something we only share with one another. We can talk about anything, and nothing is embarrassing, or off-limits. It's a different world. I met him after a long relationship, and I'm a very similar age to you. It can happen!

SolidGoldBrass · 28/09/2010 19:08

YOur H is asexual. Youmight find that site helpful in explaining him and suggestions on what to do.
One thing to consider might be an open relationship - if he's lovely in every way other than sexually, why not get a lusty young lover with your H's permission?
Because if your H won't do anything to change the situation, he loses the right to insist on exclusivity in your relationship.

AnyFucker · 28/09/2010 19:14

I agree with sgb

ItsGraceAgain · 28/09/2010 19:22

He's lovely, holds hands with you in public, makes you breakfast, etc. But he can't express his feelings, is incapable of emotional discussion and isn't interested in you sexually. This is not a marriage. You must be desperate for intimacy - emotional and physical! I live alone and get at least as many 'strokes' as you do. I have to make my own breakfast, but that's not a big enough reason for a life without intimacy IMO. As you've told him how distressed you are, and he ain't changing, then he doesn't care too much about your feelings, does he?

It strikes me you're fundamentally incompatible (there are asexual women, with whom he might be happier) but that's not what you want to hear. Therefore, I'd suggest looking for a pragmatic approach to creating a family. Before you do: has he spent much time around infants? How would he cope with the noise, mess, puke & poo? If you decide to go ahead together, then visit a doctor to get both your fertility checked out. Assuming this is okay you could embark on an intensive insemination programme - having sex as often as he can stand it, and using AI in between times.

Longer term, you may be well advised to find out how upset he'd be if you took a lover.

Good luck.

SlightlyJaded · 28/09/2010 19:29

OP really feel for you - what a sad situation. It sounds as though your DH has issues with any kind of intimacy - including talking / sharing feelings. On that basis, why don't you offer him a kind of 'easy way out'? Tell him that you are very unhappy because in every other way he is a perfect husband, but in order for you to make a decision on how to move forward you need to know why you don't have sex.

Give him a piece of paper with things written on it. For example:

I think I may be gay
I have childhood issues which have never been resolved
I am embarrassed by my performance
I can't get an erection
I don't fancy you
I have never had and will never have an interest in sex with you / anyone

and anything else you can think of. Tell him you won't judge/hate him, but you need to know. Leave the room and ask him to tick anything that applies when he's ready.

If he can bring himself to do this, you can at least begin to understand whether there is any hope for a sexual relationship ever.

good luck.

proudnglad · 28/09/2010 23:18

Jaded, great advice

AnyFucker · 28/09/2010 23:26

yes, I second that

Mimile · 28/09/2010 23:40

If you have a good GP, start there and get a test for testosterone. That's if you are willing to sick by him.

xox

ItsGraceAgain · 29/09/2010 00:28

I've known two people, close friends, both male, who were asexual. I've also had hormonal problems myself, and know how radically they affect personality. Sexuality isn't all about hormones - afaik, no-one knows what it is about, but you can't fix it with chemicals. It's probably genetic but, currently, human genetics are far too much of a mystery to explain 'who' we are, never mind alter it.

One of the friends I mentioned got married because he wanted a family. He'd done his research, picked an apparently low-sexed wife, and had sex with her for just as long as it took to create two children. I was furious with him - he basically used his wife as a baby machine, with scant regard for her wants & feelings. He could not understand my fury or, later, his wife's resentment. That whole range of feelings, instincts and values were closed to him. He was, simply, asexual and lacked comprehension of sexuality.

I think it's a huge mistake to assume such a thing can be 'fixed'. As far as the asexual is concerned, there's nothing to be fixed. Painful - but simple.

ItsGraceAgain · 29/09/2010 00:35

should have said: "know how radically hormones affect personality" - in my case, hormone treatment made me wonderfully 'acceptable' socially (I agreed to a pilot project): I was well pissed off when the trial ended! Testosterone makes people aggressive. It doesn't turn asexual bods into averagely horny ones.

Mimile · 29/09/2010 08:56

Should have read stick by him.
Grace, I agree, hormones can't fix everything. I also don't think it is reasonable to coin the OP's DH "asexual" based on a few lines. The story does resonate with my own life to some extend, and if there is a stone worth turning, for the sake of finding answers and possibly solutions, I'd say consider it. GPs are generally a good starting point.
That is, only if prepared to stick by.

ItsGraceAgain · 29/09/2010 11:53

Yes, I take your point, Mimile. You summarised the whole thing far more succinctly :)

Original poster

isittoolate · 29/09/2010 13:26

Thanks everyone for the brilliant advice which I used.

I have an update....we talked last night and I read out my part of what I had written on here which I think hit home a little more. I have said all the same to him but he seemed to be upset by the fact I had needed to turn to others for help.

Well....we had sex this morning! It was ok, it was a start. I am not saying all is fixed because we have been here before, when I have made an issue of it.

I still don't feel totally attracted to him and there are other things which aren't perfect but hopefully if we can work this out that will come back in time. I know some of you said that this wasn't possible but I will have to try.

OP posts:

londonartemis · 29/09/2010 13:38

I am so glad you talked AND that you had sex!Keep going with both!
Don't let up on this...there are two independent things to be worked at here - your desire for a child and also, your sex life with your husband.

mammamia25 · 29/09/2010 21:43

OP, whatever happens with your dh, don't give up on the thought of having children. At 40 I was single and terrified that it was too late to ever happen. I'm now 45 with a 3yr old dc - the result of IVF with a partner I met at 41. We did try for a second, unsuccessfully, which I'm sad about, but am so so lucky to have had our dc. Good luck!

Original poster

isittoolate · 01/10/2010 14:49

Thank you. You are right that they are separate things and although it looks like we are beginning to sort out one of the issues, I can't help feeling sad still? Is there something wromg with me? Or is it that fundementally I am unhappy anyway and was hanging my concerns on the 'sex issue'?

Mammamia25 thank you for telling me that - it does give me hope.

I think I am a hopeless case as I simply can't make a decision about my future or where it should lie. It's like I'm at a crossroads and am spinning around in the centre. I am always putting on a mask of being happy.

Sorry for the rant...

OP posts:

londonartemis · 01/10/2010 16:12

Isittoolate
I think you probably need to go and speak to someone at Relate to work out in your head what is best for you to do. Your DH's sexual drive is a big issue, and don't underestimate it, even if you happen to get pregnant as a result of this week.
I am sure you love him, but I suspect you are also worn down by the situation you are in, and don't realise what else in life might actually be possible for you.
Now that you have posted about it, and have raised the subject with him this week, you are underway...don't give up on it and let it drift; otherwise, I think you will be doing and saying exactly the same thing in six months time, and you still won't be pregnant.
ALl this is scary to face.
I have my own problems with my DH's sex drive and I really wish I had tackled them way back earlier in my marriage. I am still tackling it now. I do have 4 children though and did have them all after the age of 35.

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