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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I say something? Really tough situation!

46 replies

DamnedIfYouDo · 27/09/2010 08:59

Will try to keep it brief. BIL is almost 30 lives with mis GFs mum, in 1 room with 2 kids under 4. they do fuck all, sleep all day (even missed my sosn 4th birthday party cause they 'slept in till 5PM!!) (How does that even work with 2 kids?!)

They both smoke weed and generally are arses.

(forr example the little one has no shoes, DHs nana gacve them £30 to buy him some... that was 3 weeks ago, when MIL went to pick up the 4 year old the mum was asking her to take the little one too, MIL refused because he STILL had no shoes so how was she supposed to take him out - he can't walk anywhere etc'

SIL got pissy.

So heres the thing, MIL has been in bits over this for the last few years, she is sick of them living that way and says THEY can choose to do so but they can't drag the kids down.

She has sobbed to DH several times and said she wants to phone social services on them (thats how bad it is)

Yesterday she was at the end of her tether and when she dropped the 4 year old home she confronted her son.

He went apeshit and apparantly said he doesn't want to see her anymore and she wont see the kids! (he r picking them up is the only time they get doing anything nice)

So SIL then phones DH last night saying MIL rang her DP (BIL) and 'had a go at him' she 'had her facts wrong' and BIL is'furious'

DH just said 'what do you want me to do?' SIL asked him to talk to BIL and my DH refused.

This is because we ALL FEEL THE SAME AS MIL, but shes the one to say it.

So if SIL contacts me moaning about what MIL has said should I tell her that I feel the same as MIL ad we are just concerned for the kids and what they do just isn't good for them??

Or should I keep my nose out - but then I feel like I'm abandoning MIL who is the only one who has the courage to tell them they need to get their act together and start being parents?!?

Or should I phone SS myself? :(

OP posts:
ben5 · 27/09/2010 09:02

if you are worried about the children phone ss. if not let them get on with it

Lulumaam · 27/09/2010 09:04

the staying in bed til 5, kids in no shoes and the weed smoking are surely connected?

the children are being neglected

and because they are not school age, it is far easier for htem to slip through the net

you have to take a stand.

they need a wake up call

Original poster
DamnedIfYouDo · 27/09/2010 09:04

I am worried about them.

MIL has tried time nad time again to be subtle about it, I think she must have just let rip.

I really think its time someone got involved, if only to say to them 'you need to improve on X,Y and Z' because when anyone else says it nothing changes.

OP posts:
diddl · 27/09/2010 09:05

If SIL phones to talk about MIL & would say that you don´t want to talk about it & that is for her & MIL to sort out.

As ben says, if you are truly worried about the children, as opposed to just feeling sorry for MIL, phone SS.

Original poster
DamnedIfYouDo · 27/09/2010 09:07

I agree lulu. Their son has just started nursery, we said for ages that is a really, really good oppotunity for them to get in a routine, up but 7:30 to nursery by 9, early nights ... but no, instaead they got him an afternoon place ad stay in bed till 11 Hmm

I have proof they are up ALL night as their face book pages are updated all night, both of them playing daft games till 7am!!

and when i rang at 11:30 the other night (DH had gone out with BIL) both kids were up :(

OP posts:
dietstartstmoz · 27/09/2010 09:12

Did you post about this family before? I remember a very similar post a while back. You must phone SS and tell them, and hopefully they will offer the family support-including the adults.

Original poster
DamnedIfYouDo · 27/09/2010 09:15

Yes I did diets :(

We talked to MIL after that thread and she said that she would have a talk to them and give them a chance to improve things, but it has not happened. Hence her saying she is going to contact SS.

Its a horrible thing to have to do but they wont wade in and take them away, they will help them won't they? Just help them to sort themselves out?

OP posts:
1234ThumbWar · 27/09/2010 09:23

support your MIL I think. They are wrong and she is right.

dietstartstmoz · 27/09/2010 09:28

SS are VERY unlikely to remove a child from the family home. They will offer them all support as a family. SS objective is to keep families together, wherever possible. this definately needs reporting to SS though, the parents may need support with their drug issues and obviously need parenting skills training. Hope things work out, keep us posted. You need to support your poor MIL, and yes tell your SIl your concerns also. Tough, but neccessary.

Original poster
DamnedIfYouDo · 27/09/2010 09:30

Thankyou,

thats what I feel is right, but so often on here people say 'mind your own buisness' so I was unsure.

OP posts:
Algebra18MinusPiEquals16 · 27/09/2010 09:30

phone SS yourself, you can be anonymous.

BitOfFun · 27/09/2010 09:32

This seems very clear cut to me. I don't understand why nobody has contacted Social Services before.

I don't think they generally take children away immediately, and fostering options within the wider family are often looked at first. But you can't really think that the children remaining in this situation could be for the best, can you? They have got no chance of an education under these circumstances, and are probably not eating properly. It all sounds very very sad, and there has quite possibly been a lot of damage done to them already Sad

Yet the rest of the family is worried about offending the 'parents'?

Beggers belief.

Iamcountingto3 · 27/09/2010 09:33

I think - tough as it is - you have to support your MIL. Otherwise you are basically saying to BIL/SIL - you are doing OK, she is wrong. Which isn't the case.

Think hard about the most supportive way to do it, so as to minimise the opportunities for them to go into denial
eg. you know they try really hard, you know they love the kids. BUT there are some things about how the kids are growing up that worry you. Pick a couple of key things that they can't easily wriggle out of. Shoes seems like a pretty basic one, for example, whereas routines is more of a parenting decision (obviously, they're taking it to mad extremes, but still)

Could you see if there is a local parenting puzzle/similar course run by SureStart local to them, and maybe offer to have the kids whilst they go? Might be easier if they realise some stuff themselves in that sort of environment...

Original poster
DamnedIfYouDo · 27/09/2010 09:36

No, not offending the parents Angry

But by phoning SS we are worried about the parents seeing us as 'the enemy (for lack of a beetter word) and then cutting us off completely so that the children then have no Nana to take them out for nice days eveyweek.

Nobodyy said we didn't want to offend the parents, thats ridiculous, we just wanted to give them a chance to sort themselves out without us having to 'reort' them, with out us betraying them, which is how THEY will see it when all we want to do is help their kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
DamnedIfYouDo · 27/09/2010 09:37

Iam ... they wouldn't go, they don't do anything. Nothing at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
DamnedIfYouDo · 27/09/2010 09:38

Sorry for that rant BOF but you have the wrong end of the stick their completely.

I couldn't give a damn about them but I don't want them to turn against us and therefore stop the kids having contact with us.

OP posts:
dietstartstmoz · 27/09/2010 09:40

So, are you going to phone SS? Or MIL? You should discuss it with her and call SS and discuss your concerns. I'm sure you can be anonymous, but they will suspect your MIL. If everyone in the family feels the same you should make the call, especially as you posted about this months ago and nothing has happened since then.

GeekOfTheWeek · 27/09/2010 09:41

Phone ss.

What they are doing equates to abuse imo.

If you know and do nothing then you are complicit in abusing these children.

rewardgirl · 27/09/2010 09:41

You need to tell them they're neglecting their kids, and say they need to sort it out quickly or you're contacting ss. You can do it in a supportive way- we're concerned about the kids, anything we can do to help etc.
I can't believe that poor 4 yr old doesn't have SHOES!! This is definitely abuse and neglect. You absolutely cannot sit by and do nothing.

Original poster
DamnedIfYouDo · 27/09/2010 09:43

The 4 year old has shoes,

The 1 year old doesn't.

Will talk to MIL later x

OP posts:
Gretl · 27/09/2010 09:44

I tend to agree with BOF, sorry.
I'm not being reactionary but she's right.
I think in this difficult situation the kindest thing you can do is to go to SS anonymously and tell NO-ONE that you have done it. Don't discuss it with your MIL first. It's a clear-cut story of neglect (no shoes?! HOW do they go OUT? Or do they NOT? That is desperate.)
Don't discuss it with anyone, just do it and deny it if challenged. Others will be aware, neighbours will be aware, it can remain a mystery.

QuintessentialShadows · 27/09/2010 09:44

so meanwhile, what are you doing about the situation, aside from agreeing between yourseelves that it is unacceptable?

It seems to me your are more concerned with upsetting the grownups than helping the kids.

Why did mil give bil money? Why could she not take the little girl out and buy shoes for her, rather than refusing to take her?

Gretl · 27/09/2010 09:45

OK a 1-yr-old without shoes isn't so bad, I too thought you meant the 4-yr-old.

Original poster
DamnedIfYouDo · 27/09/2010 09:45

Well, no he is 2 in about6 weeks, so walking and stuff.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 27/09/2010 09:46

phone ss and if SIL rings you complaining tell her the whole family is concerned and MIL was just saying it how it is. tell her straight they are neglecting their kids and need to sort hemselves out.

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