online dating/dating in general. - men, they are all the same

[notquitemonday]

have been dating for about ayear. both online and meeting people normally.
Has been nothing short of rubbish.
Men are, quite frankly just obsessed with sex. Which is fine and everything, im a highly sexed person myself, but i just really want someone to like me for me.

I was seeing younger men, Am early 30's and dating men 24-26, so dedided to change tact and see if the older ones were a bit more sensible.

Met this nice guy online, mid 30's fab job in he city, lots of great hobbies, likes to bake!!! just really really nice and have been chatting for about 6 weeks. He has asked me out loads of times, but ive b een a bit busy, but we do have something arranged for two weeks time.

anyway, email, text chat, randomly. not daily obsessivley. Seemed to be really genuine and nice and interested.

Last night he asked if he could call me, and he did and we had a nice chat for about 90 mins.
Then the conversation got all steamy and ended up in phone sex.

not saying there is anything wrong with that, i certainly enjoyed it. but now i just feel a little bit let down, because he cant actually be interested in me, its clearly just a sex thing and when we go on our date, he will just be trying to get into my knickers wont he.

I dont know if im just being naieve. All of my previous relationships have started with sex, including my marriage. i am a highly sexed person and really open. But i just want someone to like me for me, not because of the sex.
or is that just plain stupid

I think you are expressing the fact that you like sex (so having sex and phone sex is ok) but you lack confidence that any man is with you because of who you are?

It's wrong to assume because you like sex that you are just after him for one thing so don't assume he is the same.

My test is whether a man stays interested and caring on the dates where sex is nt on the agenda

not really victoria - ive not even met him yet. If i had then it would be a different matter and i might not feel so disapointed.

Plus everyman ive dated within the last year has only been interested in sex. Nothing else. A whole year of it. Its more than annoying.
Then just the other week i got contacted by a short fling i had, wanting to know if i fancied a shag.Which i didnt, but he persisted chasing/asking for 4 days.

Thing is these are all 'nice men' in respectable jobs, some were mid 30's, i just assumed they might be a bit more grown up. but it seems not.

i guess im just kind of annoyed as just being seen as this sexual being the whole time, im a person too and theres a whole lot more to me.

Honestly? Any decent guy IMHO, wouldn't go down the phone sex route, like this, before meeting etc.

Maybe if you started a relationship and it was long distance it may not be such a huge red flag.

Why if you don't want to be treated like it, did you cave, you should have said no, it's not appropriate right now, then you'd weed out the idiots who want some stimulation only.

well thats exacally what i think really.

I went along with it as he was very descriptive and i just kind of got carried away.

i dont have a problem with phone sex, it can be a lot of fun, but like you say, maybe if you were both busy, or whatever.

The fact that he went down that route ( and ok, yes i followed) kind of just says thats all he is interested in really.

I dont understand if its my fault for only getting this kind of attention? or theirs.
i dont dress provocatavley. I dont flirt in that way, im not all double entredes and suggestiveness.
Ive been told my a few men that i just ' look like a girl that loves sex' i mean really, wtf is that all about?

Most blokes want sex as part of a relationship, but that doesn't mean they just want sex. Agree if you don't want phone sex then don't do it. I wouldn't have phone sex with a bloke I'd never met. What if you meet him and he's a real creep?
I feel silly having phone sex anyway, reminds me of those sketches of bored women in shell suits describing their "underwear" and pretending to orgasm whilst reading Heat.

lol 2rebecca.
i quite like phone sex, years and years of a long distance relationship = lots of practice.

I dont think it was planned, it just kind of happened. he did say it wasnt the kind of conversation he had been expecting, so i dont know if it just happened, because it just happened.
or if he is a creap who does it all the time.

i supose if i wait and see what he does next, ie when he contacts me and how the conversation goes ill know.

Nothing wrong with phone sex IMO, not as part of a relationship.

But in my experience of online dating, quite some time ago. The decent men wouldn't dream of trying to talk you aroud into phone sex before meeting, it's all about respect.

You'd get plenty who'd try though, so it's not you.

This guy sounds decent, actually, he did not go down the sex route straight away, you have been speaking a long time... i wonder WHO was the one to start the phone sex, and why you speak about how important sex is to you and how your relationships in the past were based on sex and that it was not something you want this time, I would suggest you speaking this issue through with a councellor before starting a relationship as it sounds to me as if you want to change old patterns and are finding it confusing etc...

If you had a nice chat for 90 mins and then had mutually enjoyable phone sex that you were both comfortable with then I don't see what the problem is.Meet the guy and give him a chance rather than judge him solely on the experience of your previous online encounters.

is was def him.
Not me as im really aware of giving off that vibe.

I dont think i need to talk to a councillor about it, sex is important to me. Im just aware that my past relationships it was that that came first rather than any other connection. Being a little bit older and wiser, i think id rather have more of a connection first before jumping into bed with someone.

Plus i wanted to mention that i was comftable with sex, and it wasnt the phone sex that bothered me, or that i was outraged by it or something.

i shall give him the benefit of the doubt then, maybe he just got a bit carried away as well. It will soon be telling i guess by our next conversation. if he jumps straight into the same thing.. then i shant waste my time meeting him.

If you know what you want that is good, if you gut tells you it was a got carried away thing then listen to that, have a nice date if that is what you decide to do x

NQM, I think this guy sounds nice too.

Also, I agree with the sentiment that just because people want sex it doesn't mean that's all they're about and all they associate with you.

I committed the cardinal sin of sleeping with ex on first night as I was flippin' horny and drunk. Had never done it before but I realised that while I was lucky he was a nice guy, it didn't make the relationship just about sex.

I slept with my exhusband within an hour of meeting him.
he was fully open that at the beginning it was just about sex for him. the relationship was crap -but the sex was always good.
My relationship before that was really sexual. In fact all my relationships have been.
I am a very sexual person, i cant help it, i just am, and im comftable in that. Im also aware that sometimes people read ' comftable in her sexuality' as slapper or easy. which i am not.

I want a nice, grown up, adult, caring, loving relationship. Not some mad sex frensy. ( well, thats fine, along with the relationship)

If you are after a relationship then I wouldnt bother with anyone who got into phone sex before meeting you. For me they would go straight in the bin. In my experience men who are looking for a long term partner dont go down the sex route too early if they really like you. The others are just up for a shag, and want to know if you are too, which is fine if that is what you want.

which is kind of what i think, but then we have been talking for about 6 weeks already and have only not met becuase of me being a bit busy.
It could really be a case of just got carried away.
or he could be an idiot and im a fool

i just think that this, coupled with a whole years worth of dating which has only resulted in
-men pretending to be interested then not hearing from then again once i have slept with them
-men openily saying they only want a shag
-men not being interested unless i want to shag them straight away
-men pestering me for sex if i have had a short fling with them.

i just kind of feel a bit disapointed in the male species right now i think.

I don't think he sounds too bad tbh.. I would meet him and see what you think. There might be real chemistry there. Everyone and every relationship is different, I don't think there should be rules about when sex is first mentioned.

Have you got a good, honest friend you can ask for her opinion? I wonder if you're inadvertently giving out mixed signals about what you want and men are responding to this.

i know im naturally flirty, ( with men and women) and im tactile and attentive and can pretend to be interested in even the most boring people.
Maybe thats it?

NQM I'm having the exact same experience. Men will happily talk sex pretty quickly, especially if you're happy to go along with it...but I've found that they'll pull back (no pun intended) if you say that you're not just interested in that.

Basically I just want someone to fall in love with me for me....and it seems a bit out of reach sometimes :(

What is "naturally" flirty? Sorry to challenge you but this sounds to me like wanting attention and needing to be liked because of insecurities.

Maybe looking at some books on self-esteem or Robin Norwood's "women who love too much" might ring some bells?

notquite: he sounds like a nice guy actually. 6 weeks is a long time to chat with someone if all you want is sex. Sometimes I really believe guys like to build up a friendship before getting stuck in. Sounds like he's this kind of guy. Don't write him off just because of the phone sex....doesn't mean he's a bad person, but it does mean that he likes women for their mind as well as their bodies...

I have a friend who has lots and lots of phone sex with her partner who is away a lot. They have been on fire since day one and it continues 4 years on. Nothing wrong with being a sexual person....don't write this off!

he text me last night and we had a nice text conversation about non sex things.
so im not going to write him off.

Plus, i think you might be right, we did have a date lined up, but i had to cancel as something came up, and hes been ok with that ( though hes had to wait a few weeks till im free again) i guess if he wasnt interested he would have just left me alone.

Eurostar - honestly, its not about wanting attention, im just naturally flirty, somepeople are, some arent. Im flirty towards women too. Not in a suggestive way, just in a friendly, tactile way. Its just how i am. Surely you must know people like that.

OP, not being funny but all you have talked about in this thread is sex.

If you want to meet a gentleman who respects you for what you are then you need to start acting like a lady. That does not include having phone sex the first time you speak to a bloke on the phone. Nice boys and girls do not do things like that until they know each other a little better.

I agree with Eurostar that the flirtiness might be something to look into along the counselling route. I have tended to be flirty most of my adult life and it has occasionally got me into trouble. I feel much more relaxed and confident in the relationship I'm in now and find my flirtiness with other people has diminished, which I'm relieved about. It's made me more confident to have conversations with people (especially men) without feeling awkward. I was always afraid of my jealous husband's reaction to me speaking to men before and it made me go all coy and bizarrely even more flirty.

I had a fair bit of counselling following the break-up of my 17 year marriage and a lot of things came out that I was surprised by. I like sex a lot but I think I associate it too much with feeling 'loved' and I'm trying to get free from that. I feel horny a lot of the time and my partner struggles to keep up but I'm learning that cuddles and non-sexual touch are just as important.

It just makes the sex, when it happens, even better!
Good luck with your search for Mr Right.

If I thought it would be possible I would suggest no sex for a couple of months while you get to know someone, but I know some of the best conversations happen post-coitally, snuggling up together...

yes - all ive talked about is sex, beacuse thats what im complaining about.
that was exacally why i was posting, so of course thats what its going to be about

i dont feel awkward talking to people, i really dont see being a bit flirty as a problem, i know plenty of people, men and women who are the same, they are like it with friends, or with collegues ( it can ease the way to getting a difficult/stressful piece of work done) . Im not talking full on sexual flirtying, just light hearted, friendly flirting and i really done see whats wrong with that at all.

speckled - im clearly not a nice girl then am i.