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Original poster

DP told me he may go to a prostitute, TMI, can't be bothered to namechange

32 replies

Ladydutchalot · 25/09/2010 23:24

Am seething, and feel really icky. I'm currently living in NL, he is in the UK. I know that this is TMI, but we have Skype chats every so often so that he can release "frustration" as it were during the times that we are not in the same country. I'm not as keen on them, not least because dd and I are in a one room flat, and it makes me feel so gross to think of her being in the same room, so the only time I will do it is at lunchtime if she is at school. I'm his dp, it's my fault I'm over here, and sometimes it's a good 5 weeks before we see each other, so am trying to be understanding, but only really want to do it if necessary. I've gently suggested that he use internet materials if he is feeling uncomfortable but flatly refuses and says he is only attracted to me Hmm.

We saw each other last weekend, and are seeing each other next weekend. That to me isn't too bad at all, and quite manageable. Have just spoken to him and he "jokingly" said that if I don't have a skype date with him tomorrow he will go to a prostitute. I feel like a ransomed whore now, and promptly ended the call, but don't know what to do. I'm all shakey and shivery, and never knew that he basically saw me as a lump of meat. I feel so gross.

OP posts:
Aitch · 25/09/2010 23:26

Sad oh love. is there any chance he was joking or just saying that to be provocative?

Theyremybiscuits · 25/09/2010 23:28

What a lovely man Hmm

thelunar66 · 25/09/2010 23:28

Good God. He is wanting you to do and say stuff when your DD is in the room?

I don't know what to say Shock

Northernlurker · 25/09/2010 23:30

Ick indeed.
Well - you aren't a lump of meat for his gratification so don't think twice about not doing this if you don't want to and get nothing out of it. A relationship in which you feel deprived of choices, of your femininity and of control over your body is not a good relationship to be in. How long have you been together? Is he your dd's father?

Original poster
Ladydutchalot · 25/09/2010 23:32

I think he was joking, but he was so abrupt with it that it has really shaken me up. I know men find distance harder than women to deal with, but I don't understand why he can't buy a few magazines just to put him on between visits. I know he loves me, but he has my blessing to do it, and I don't quite understand how he can enjoy talking to me when he knows I am squirming on the other end of the line. We are not over here for ever, I have 9 months left until I come back to the UK, and he is a fabulous dp in all aspects, but this has really got to me. He knows I'm uncomfortable doing it but doesn't seem to care.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 25/09/2010 23:34

And that's the problem isn't it - that he will compell you to do something you don't want to do. What is he like in bed - does he listen to you then?

HerBeatitude · 25/09/2010 23:35

What would he say if you said you're thinking of picking up a random guy to fuck, as you're frustrated too?

He sounds horrible actually. Like he's got a really over-developed sense of entitlement. I wouldn't want to talk dirty to someone with my DC in the room. The fact that he's not bothered about how you feel about this, is very disturbing.

heresiarch · 25/09/2010 23:36

Sorry, but he doesn't sound very fabulous to me. Does he have some sort of brain injury that means his memory isn't working properly? If not then why can't he can just have a wank while thinking of you?

Original poster
Ladydutchalot · 25/09/2010 23:36

We have been together four years and we are meant to be getting married next summer. I have refused to do anything with dd in the room, so he knows there is no way I would do that, and am tempted to do the same with the whole thing all together. He is a grown man for goodness sake, and has been single for longer than a few weeks before, so is obviously able to be content somehow, so I can't see why he can't do so now!

OP posts:
HerBeatitude · 25/09/2010 23:37

"I know men find distance harder than women to deal with"

Who says?

Northernlurker · 25/09/2010 23:38

He can do so - but he doesn't see why he should when you - his 'property' can be blackmailed in to doing something you don't like to do. Tbh - he probably gets a kick out of knowing that he's made you do it Sad as well as the substance of the conversation alone.

Original poster
Ladydutchalot · 25/09/2010 23:39

This is what has shocked me so much, he has always been very attentive to the whole family's needs, always understood if he has had to take a back seat for some reason, and now, all of a sudden, this horrid side to him has appeared. I know he is hurt that I decided to come over here, despite knowing that he would have to stay in the UK, but we talked about it in depth for a year before I made the decision, so it wasn't spur of the moment by any means.

OP posts:
dignified · 25/09/2010 23:42

Id tell him to go and see one and to stay there. The thing with your daughter in the room is quite horrible , and its alarming hes keen on this although he knows your not very comfortable.

I think you need to either get rid of him , or establish some firm boundarys quickly. If you dont like the skype thing then say so and dont do it anymore.

Original poster
Ladydutchalot · 25/09/2010 23:43

Thank you all so much for responding, I'm going to make a coffee to warm me up as I am shaking terribly. I feel so silly having such a big reaction to this, so many women are trapped in such awful relationships, but I will not have him trying to control me like this. I can see perfectly clearly that what he is doing is wrong, but am still ever so slightly nervous that if I put my foot down he will walk away entirely. I strongly doubt he will, and it will just be awkward for a while, but everyone has this silly worries from time to time.

OP posts:
fuschiagroan · 25/09/2010 23:43

OK, I do think the prostitute thing was just a (badly thought out) joke, but it's not really the point. He sounds pretty horrible. 'Not attracted to anyone but you' just sounds like emotional blackmail because, no disrespect to you, EVERYONE can fantasise about someone who is not their partner.

Northernlurker · 25/09/2010 23:45

Better that he walks away then walks all over you!

Northernlurker · 25/09/2010 23:45

THAN not then Blush

Prolesworth · 25/09/2010 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Ladydutchalot · 25/09/2010 23:49

This is true. I'm going to ring him now and say that I'm not doing this. I am not comfortable with it, dd and I are here for 9 months and that cannot be changed, and he has to find his own way through it. I know I can be dull, and I know I can be irritating, and I know I'm tubby round the edges and past my prime, but that does not give him any right to emotionally blackmail me.

OP posts:
Aitch · 25/09/2010 23:52

och love. don't list your (imagined, no doubt) faults. he's being a real shit.

Original poster
Ladydutchalot · 25/09/2010 23:57

And in typical dp fashion he has gone to bed and turned his phone off. Am tempted to ring the house phone, but don't think it will get the desired listening response from him that I need to be able to talk about it! Am wishing I hadn't asked him to varnish dd's bed tomorrow now, as that's probably going to come in to it somewhere ("I do all these things for you and you can't do one simple .......... Grin").

OP posts:
Aitch · 26/09/2010 00:02

you're not making him sound that nice, you do know that don't you?

dignified · 26/09/2010 00:04

He sounds like a bully , you wont do what he wants so he,ll make his point. I wouldnt have my dcs around someone like this , and you worry that if you put your foot down he will walk away ?

You know then dont you.

Original poster
Ladydutchalot · 26/09/2010 00:10

He is nice, he is lovely, I think it's just my anger about the conversation and frustration at not being able to talk to him about it while I'm able that is making things sound bad. He really is a fab guy, otherwise I wouldn't have found this so shocking.

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 26/09/2010 00:19

In what way is varnishing your DD's bed something he is doing "for you"? Are you going to be sleeping in it?

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