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Original poster

Anyone else staying for the kids?

30 replies

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 25/09/2010 17:34

Just wondered how many do... how you deal with it.

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 25/09/2010 17:35

Honestly, your kids will not thank you for it. If they look back and realise you stayed at expense of your happiness they will be devastated, angry, and will probably blame themselves.

Original poster
ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 25/09/2010 17:38

I am happy, it's not terrible... just I am pretty sure if we didn't have kids we would be apart. Sometimes I feel abit needy and dream of the perfect husband, but then does it even exist?

OP posts:
Megancleo · 25/09/2010 17:43

I did for the first child, then the second and then the third and then another five years...in the end I nearly forgot who I really was, how to laugh and what a relationship should be. My self-confidence was at an unbelievable low when I got out and yet looking back I couldn't do it earlier ( "the perfect family" illusion)Not sure if it must always be like this but now I somehow believe that not living an authentic life can never really be good for us or indeed our dc? .

dbss · 25/09/2010 17:46

We are probably doing the same, ASLD.
If husband moved out, I don't think I could cope -- physically, I mean. I couldn't do all the daily household jobs without his help.

I know this is a genuine concern because I was hospitalised with exhaustion last year. I'm having trouble dealing with stress as things are now (with the support I do get). I'm quite concerned that DC would end up in long-term care if we split up and he had a nervous break down or otherwise was unwilling to help out a lot still. Maybe he wouldn't go that way, but it's a real risk. And maybe being in care is a bundle of laughs, but I think it's best avoided.

TDaDa · 25/09/2010 17:58

My dad had quite a few affairs but my parents stayed together...i think my mom still loved/
loves him .......difficult to say what is best for the children...in our case, we are very appreciative of them staying together and giving us lots of love, education and a stable (strangely) upbringing. But that is often not the answer....

MoralDefective · 25/09/2010 18:00

I've done it in the past (considered leaving)and we got over our problems and still love each other....ups and downs are part and parcel of our lives...sometimes the downs are just too much and 'moving on' is the only way...i always wanted the DC's to have two dedicated parents(and i know we all want this)...I have learned how to say sorry for the mean things i've said ,and have also learned how to graciously accept an apology.....be kind to each other,remember why you first loved him/fancied him,and do things together,be friends.....

GypsyMoth · 25/09/2010 18:02

i did!!

but left 5 years ago....dd is 16 now,she's the eldest and says she wished i'd not stayed so long. she remembers a bad atmosphere....and there was me being all bright and cheery for the last few years!!

TDaDa · 25/09/2010 18:08

Wise words MoralDefective

onimolap · 25/09/2010 18:11

I am full of admiration for people who do this.

And I am really impressed with MoralDefective's achievement.

Original poster
ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 25/09/2010 18:13

My parents I am sure stayed togather for my sister and I and I wish wioth all my heart they didn't, but then I never even knew them to speak to eachother, sleep inthe same room, infact interact at all. My dad didn't even use the rest of the house bar his study/bedroom and the downstairs bathroom. THen he worked abroad mostly and that was that. When I was about 16 they divorced (finally!) but DH and I are nothing like that. It was always not great, we can't get back to how it used to be /remember why we love eachother because that was never there. In reality we rushed into everything, we get on well enough, share dreams etc. but sometimes I don't really like him - silly things, but I would have been alot happier with someone else (maybe) but I am not desperatly unhappy, 99.9% of the time. It's OK, nothing I want to break up the family over chasing my own dreams/desires though.

OP posts:
giveitago · 25/09/2010 18:19

Moral- that's amazing.

Wish we could be in that place.

Good on you though and I'm glad it can be done.

MoralDefective · 25/09/2010 18:35

Thank you ...it hasn't always been easy.. but like i said,sometimes moving on is the only way,just try and remember what's been good,...all the sayings have an element of sense...'don't go to bed on an argument'...etc....i have hated my DP at times and i expect he has felt the same about me......but talk,gossip and watch tv and sit with each other......even when you bloody HATE watching road wars...it's worth it in the end...Smile

YunoYurbubson · 25/09/2010 18:43

We are in a similar situation.

We have decided to work on things together and try and make things better.

If it weren't for the children we would go our separate ways. Buuuuuut... we do have children.

Original poster
ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 25/09/2010 18:45

I love road wars Grin

How do you cope with the lonliness? (that looks wrong Confused)

OP posts:
MoralDefective · 25/09/2010 18:47

There's no 'perfect family',and who on Earth would want one.(Stepford wives?..)...we're all individuals,it's different for all of us,...but we do all need to be cared for and appreciated......i might just add that i can give as good as i get in a row and have done plenty..Smile

Original poster
ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 25/09/2010 18:55

& do your DHs know this is the case? Staying together for the kids?

OP posts:
Hassled · 25/09/2010 18:56

I think it all depends on the relationship you manage to maintain with your OH after the split. TDaDa talked about valuing "lots of love, education and a stable upbringing" - but that can happen if the parents are together or apart.

I'm lucky, I know - I split from first husband when oldest 2 DCs were quite small, but we managed to maintain the friendship we'd always had. I could acknowledge that while he was a shit (unfaithful) husband, he was a fundamentally decent man and a good father. As a result, the DCs did have lots of love and stability (they're grown up now).

What I'm trying to say is that the kids can, and usually do, do well with separated but happy parents. But this is a lot easier to achieve if the parents can salvage some sort of friendship/co-operation out of the mess. And I realise with many people this is just out of the question.

Roxylox · 25/09/2010 19:21

I've been with DH since I was 19 (now 41 - where's my medal??). My parents were desperately unhappy with themselves and with each other, and I would fall asleep to the rumble of their rows and pray they would split up. They didn't.

So I have always been adamant I would not stay in a relationship where I was unhappy. Kids know.

DH and I went through a particularly horrid patch a few years ago and I wanted him gone, but the bugger wouldn't go. And something, somewhere in me, decided to keep going a bit longer.

Various events in our lives took over, and he demonstrated how kind and compassionate he could be, and I can honestly say, that whatever either of us decide in the future, he will always be family to me.

What I'm trying to say is, if your gut is telling you this guy is a wrong'un, then walking may be your best option. But feeling frustration with the relationship is different from disengaging from the man.

Sense your sadness
Sad

TheInvisibleManDidIt · 25/09/2010 19:33

Yes.

But I don't think I can for much longer.

onelastchance · 25/09/2010 22:42

same here, invisible

Original poster
ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 26/09/2010 12:32

:( do you often feel like this, or has it come to a head? I can barely look at DH today :(

OP posts:
CheerfulV · 26/09/2010 13:26

Roxy, that's a really good point. I think a lot of people understandably waste time in shitty relationships while they try to work out whether they are in an okay situation going through difficulties, or just with a nighmarishly wrong-for-them person and in a situation that can never, ever be made good. I wasted three years, others waste decades.
It's a very very difficult call, and I wouldn't judge anyone for their decision, it's impossible to know until you are in the middle of it just how hard it can be to debate making that choice.

candyfluff · 26/09/2010 13:29

yes im with dh for ths kids sakes - i don't love him and he know's this - does'nt seem to bother him

Whoamireally · 26/09/2010 13:39

Is it that old adage of too bad to stay, too good to go? I don't want to give advice where it has not been asked for!! But if I was in a similar situation (and I think most of us have had days where we wonder the same thing) this is what I'd do about it.

Don't know your circumstances but I think there are more people that who would willingly admit it that have fallen out of love - but then, 95% of the time, your life gets geared to your kids, right? So there is no time (as moral says) to remember what attracted you to each other in the first place. You used to put 100% effort into your relationship, and now it only gets the leftover 5% - and that's only if you have enough energy left!

And often in a busy life, love goes unspoken, but the little things that you do for each other say what you can't (or won't!) - I get a cup of tea in bed every morning and that to me is love Wink even if I never hear the actual words! What do you do for each other?

Make yourself be affectionate. Don't have sex if you don't feel like it, but do dish out hugs to your OH. Give him a kiss when he comes home from work. Touch him when you walk past him. Fake it til you make it. It'll take a while but the effort of making physical contact will repay itself - if you still feel nothing after all of that then maybe it is time to move on.

candyfluff · 26/09/2010 13:43

funny that you say that dh is always expecting me to kiss/cuddle/touch/him and gets upset if i dont - he has put me through an awful lot and i just cant bring myself to be affectionate with him - there is nothing in it for me (selfish i know) strange thing is we do still have sex?