Am I too needy?

[partytime]

My new man of 3 or so months is lovely, he is kind, considerate, fab in bed and we have great times together.

But this week I've been feeling a little sad and unsure. I think I know why but I'm cross at myself for being this way, and wondered if anyone could offer advice or maybe just tell me to get a grip.

It stems from the fact that I feel neglected, after the first few months of being made to feel good about myself again, attractive, loved , wanted. Now I'm not and it's nothing he's done or hasn't done, it's me acting selfishly and the worst, needy. Which isn't me at all.

HE had been away the week before last with work, which is OK, no problems with that. He came home but had his 4 DC (all teenagers) that weekend. I was included in their plans and had dinner with them and we went to the cinema. All lovely. He has then spent two nights this week at my place, again everything fine.

Last night he was late, we had arranged dinner with friends of mine and he turned up 10 minutes before we were due to leave, last minute, when I had been sat waiting for an hour. The reason he was late was that he had to take his DC to friends or pick them up from various places. This morning he left a 7.30 to go and collect DC and drop another at work.

He then works himself on a Saturday, has his own business and I won't see him till Sunday night. I will spend the weekend alone as my DC are away at University.

My issue with this I suppose is that I feel as if I am way down the list of priorities. It isn't even his weekend to have the DC, why isn't his ex transporting them everywhere. When I asked him that he just shrugged his shoulders. He's their dad I know that, and a great one too, one of the attractions for me. My DC come first with me too, but why did he let this happen and why have I let it spoil my weekend by sulking over it.

My exH put work, himself, his hobbies, everything, before me and I am getting worried that here I am again with a man who doesn't put me first. Of course his DC are important and so they should be, as is his business, but if I am to believe that he loves me, as he says he does, then surely I should be made to feel important to him too.

I'm sure some of you will tell me to stop being selfish, and maybe I'm acting like a idiot. I am cross with myself for being so needy. I don't want to spoil things, he is a great guy and I have fallen in love with him too. It seems such a small, petty thing that has brought all these feelings to the surface again.

I think you are being a bit too needy IMO, just chill with it

You will drive him away. You need to work through your own issues instead of piling them on to him.

His children, as you say, should be his priority. Would you want to be with a man who didn't put them first?

However the being v late thing, is not on. You need to both be more organised and realistic about what he can and can't manage and adapt your arrangements accordingly.

Do you think he is fully committed to the relationship? And can you accept that this will always be the way it will be, ie his dc will naturally be at top of his priorities?

If I sound harsh it's because I'm in a rush and have to go out, sorry!

I am really trying to just go with it and take what we have and see where it leads, it's still early days for us.

I did say that I expect him to put his DC as top priority, as I do mine, and that it was an attractive part of his character that he is a full on dad, so unlike my exH. I wouldn't expect anything else and accept that.

I think your question about commitment is probably spot on, Proud, I guess we need to talk and I need to chill.

Do you need some hobbies so you don't expect your man to fill your life so much? Most men like a woman in their life , but don't expect that woman to be their life in the way women sometimes expect a relationship to fill their lives.

He should be more considerate and phone you if he's going to be late though.

I was very much like this in my new relationship, and worked out that it was basically a hangover from my previous one.
I could see that he had a right to do x,y,z but felt like I came last. But I didnt, he just has a life and hobbies, and just becuase he made time for those didnt mean he didnt also make time for me.
It took me a long time to adjust, and to stop being so needy. I worked very hard at recognising when I was feeling needy, and working out WHY I felt like that, and it was because if my ex behaved like that it would mean one thing, but with my current bf it doenst mean the same thing.

As an example, I used to think - why hasnt he called yet? Then sit deliberating whether to call him, or wait for him to call, then got to a 'sod him, I'm not important to him, I wont call him' stage, and then he would invariably ring. Now I know, he hasnt called me cos he has got back from work, is tired, needs to unwind, has to eat etc etc. All normal, acceptable things that don;t mean I'm unimportant, just that he has to unwind first. With my ex though, it would mean he is ignoring me for some reason.
Do I make any sense?

rebecca I do have hobbies and lots of friends, this week I have had dinner with a friend and then been out for lunch with another. I also work and go to the gym, walk the dogs, so I am busy. My life is full even without a man.

global as I say it's early days, maybe I need to understand him better, I know he had a fairly cool relationship with his ex and he has said that he isn't used to a 'full on' partner, as I am .

I was the one doing all the work in my relationship with ex, especially in the last few years when he was distancing himself due to his affair, typical behaviour I believe. I tried so hard with exH, I can't have another relationship where I get nothing back in return.

I know it isn't always the be all and end all, but would any counselling help? It might be an idea to explore why you feel the way you do, and to find out if, in any possible way, it's as a hangover from your previous relationships including your xh.

Perhaps even something like rescue remedy, just to reduce the anxiety, so that it's easier to 'chill' a little more.

I know my feelings of insecurity are a hangover from exh, who I had been with for over 25 years.
I had a lot of counselling after he left and it helped, I was lucky to find a good counsellor at Relate. Maybe I could go again, perhaps it would help.
Funnily enough Rescue Remedy is a stock item in my cupboard as is Valerina (I think its called that), both good for anxiety and stress.
I guess that when my exh and I were Ok, before his affair, our relationship was quite intense and very loving, maybe it's too soon to expect that from new man, but shouldn't it be like that at first.
Then again he could possibly be not that into me, despite what he says.

How long have you been single?

How long has he been single?

Wondering if he is accustomed to being completely available to his dc (first, because they are his priority and second because he didn't have his own private life/relationship to consider).

Sounds as if he wants a relationship (and that seems to be with you), but he is figuring out how you both integrate into each other's very full (and well established) lives.

And, it is early days. Fwiw - it sounds very full on for a relationship that is only 3 months old.

I think when people are young/childless, a relationship begins with wanting to spend every spare moment together - and life often allows that. A 'later in life' romance means there are commitments, obligations and responsibilities already in place so (imo) you 'work your way up' the ladder of priorities (instead of feeling you're being 'pushed down' the list).

But, I may be talking rubbish.

3 months is nothing- in fact I'd still be talking in weeks if it was only 3 months!

If he has 4 teenagers, then he can't leave them all for his ex to cope with and it sounds as if he has made a great start by asking you to join in things with them- which could have been very tricky for him, you and his kids!

I think you wil blow the whole thing if you start talking commitment at this stage!

Your posts read as if you are incredibly intense and some people could label you as "hard work" and demanding.

There is also an element of wanting to control coming across.

Men can care a lot without putting you on a pedestal. Maybe you need to work on your self-esteem, as it osunds as if you need constant assurance, as well as a lot of attention.

This might work if the man is the same as you, but more likely it's going to send them running for the hills.
You need to be more laid back and just see how the whole thing pans out- it is actually just 12 weeks!

I completely understand what you are saying. I just ended something with a lovely fun man because I always felt I was bottom of the list of his priorities and I hated it.

He also has kids who he dotes on and has to see but he would see them loads, even when he didn't have to...which is a lovely trait, but it meant I missed out all the time. For example, we never got to go on vacation in two years because he was always taking his kids.

Basically, it's what you can deal with. I never expected him to ditch his kids for me, but I hated that feeling that I was never important enough to him. I know he loved spending time with me and I miss him, but after a few weeks of feeling heartbroken and horrible, I am now taking control of my own life again, which in itself is good for me.

Maybe once I've stopped making him the focus of my life, we can start seeing each other again, but I had to sort out my issues first. I do think that I would be very pissed off that he put his kids first when his ex was supposed to be having them and he'd said he would be with you. I think it's one of the main problems of meeting someone with kids, especially lots of them!

I don't have any advice, just that a total break was good for me. Nobody wants to feel bottom of the list. I never expected to be top, but I also can't take being at the bottom. He should have done more than just shrugged....that to me is a lack of respect..he should have apologised and bought you flowers or something stupid like that that we women like. Go with your feelings. If you're not happy most of the time, it's not good for you. But if he makes you happy most of the time, stick with it and remember that we're no longer young free and single when everything was easy.

fizzfiend

all I know from both men and women back on the dating scene is that none of them will ever put another woman, after their ex, ahead of their kids on a "list".

It is unrealistic to expect a father or mother to do any other- and especially when the couple are dating and ot even in a commited relationship!

Fizzfiend....'pissed off that he put his kids first when his ex was supposed to be having them and he'd said he would be with you'....tough shit... the children always come first....i'd chuck any man before i'd chuck my children

Purple: I know that of course. Just that there must be some kind of balance. If the kids win out every time (even over something trivial like "had to be with them because DD has a small head cold and sorry to miss your birthday party") then you are going to feel like shit. And that is just not on.

Kids always come first...but if you are with someone, you should always consider their feelings too. Not just think "oh, she's an adult, she'll understand if I ditch her for the third time in a row"

The kids DONT win out every time......they've lost their Dad...don't trivialise a head cold and missing birthday parties....these are important....and oh yes..'she's an adult'.......she WILL get over it .....jeez..why are you so important

Moral: what I'm saying is that, yes, kids come first, but that is no excuse to treat you like shit because you are below them on the priority list. Everyone deserves some respect.

Global: you are right to say there are different situations. Sometimes you know you are bottom of the list for a reason...because they don't really care. Other times it's because they really have to be with their kids. Each case is different, and only you gut can tell you the truth I think.

Moral: I repeat that every person deserves respect. If I were with a man that ran back to his kids because they had a cold (I'm assuming the mother is with them anyway) and ditching me on my birthday....he would be history. Do you not get that? It's called getting a balance. Besides, many men hardly see their kids anyway, even when they're in a solid marriage...maybe it's the guilt that makes men behave this way?

fizz - do you have kids yourself?

I think you may have self-esteem issues.

Other possible answer is maybe this man would put you 2nd,3rd etc to anything not just his kids. Not because of who you are, but because it is how he is! What i am trying to say is that even as a single, childless man he might be offhand etc.

fizz- maybe you should find a man with no kids. You don't seem to get it.

There seems to be a theme running through a few of these posts of "Yes, I understand that the bloke should put his children first, but..." Either he puts his children first or he doesn't. And as for "but he would see them loads, even when he didn't have to". He "didn't have to" see his children? FFS, they're his kids! There's no such thing as having to see your own children.

I'm a single man with kids. If I ever got in a relationship with a woman who seemed to feel that a) she was in some form of competition for my affections with my children, and b) that she should win that competition, then she'd be out of my life so fast her head would spin.

Partytime, think about this rationally. If you fell off a ladder, broke your legs & arms & were ill for, oh, lets say 2 years because of it, then you would understand why you were scared of ladders - we all would After 2 broken legs and arms, no-one would expect you to run a marathon - we'd all advise you to take it easy and pace yourself. This is what you need to do now. Just because it's your emotions, self-confidence, trust, love etc that has been broken in the past and no-one can physically see it, doesn't mean that the hurt isn't there. Nurse yourself, pace yourself. You're not over-needy at all - you're doing fantastically well on you crutches. Keep going, give yourself time to heal, settle things on your terms, and in no time you'll be running that marathon life in any direction that you choose to go! Good luck!

You are being very needy.

Firstly you have been involved all of 12 weeks - you really need to relax or he is going to run a mile understandably so.

Secondly of course he is going to prioritise his children even if it is "not his turn" - would you really expect him not to? really?

I do have kids. I guess I'm just not explaining myself well.

And I guess there are other issues for me too. Like the fact that when he goes to see his kids he sleeps in the same bed with his ex although denies sex, etc. Haha. I suppose that's what's really hurting me if I am to be honest.

He could run to his kids whenever he liked when I actually think about it. But when he does, he is with her...and they still get on great. I'm not a horrible person, honestly. Just trying to work everything out.

Partytime, think about this rationally. If you fell off a ladder, broke your legs & arms & were ill for, oh, lets say 2 years because of it, then you would understand why you were scared of ladders - we all would After 2 broken legs and arms, no-one would expect you to run a marathon - we'd all advise you to take it easy and pace yourself. This is what you need to do now. Just because it's your emotions, self-confidence, trust, love etc that has been broken in the past and no-one can physically see it, doesn't mean that the hurt isn't there. Nurse yourself, pace yourself. You're not over-needy at all - you're doing fantastically well on your crutches. Keep going, give yourself time to heal, settle things on your terms, and in no time you'll be running that marathon life in any direction that you choose to go! Good luck!

Err, does that make sense??