Am I too needy?

[partytime]

My new man of 3 or so months is lovely, he is kind, considerate, fab in bed and we have great times together.

But this week I've been feeling a little sad and unsure. I think I know why but I'm cross at myself for being this way, and wondered if anyone could offer advice or maybe just tell me to get a grip.

It stems from the fact that I feel neglected, after the first few months of being made to feel good about myself again, attractive, loved , wanted. Now I'm not and it's nothing he's done or hasn't done, it's me acting selfishly and the worst, needy. Which isn't me at all.

HE had been away the week before last with work, which is OK, no problems with that. He came home but had his 4 DC (all teenagers) that weekend. I was included in their plans and had dinner with them and we went to the cinema. All lovely. He has then spent two nights this week at my place, again everything fine.

Last night he was late, we had arranged dinner with friends of mine and he turned up 10 minutes before we were due to leave, last minute, when I had been sat waiting for an hour. The reason he was late was that he had to take his DC to friends or pick them up from various places. This morning he left a 7.30 to go and collect DC and drop another at work.

He then works himself on a Saturday, has his own business and I won't see him till Sunday night. I will spend the weekend alone as my DC are away at University.

My issue with this I suppose is that I feel as if I am way down the list of priorities. It isn't even his weekend to have the DC, why isn't his ex transporting them everywhere. When I asked him that he just shrugged his shoulders. He's their dad I know that, and a great one too, one of the attractions for me. My DC come first with me too, but why did he let this happen and why have I let it spoil my weekend by sulking over it.

My exH put work, himself, his hobbies, everything, before me and I am getting worried that here I am again with a man who doesn't put me first. Of course his DC are important and so they should be, as is his business, but if I am to believe that he loves me, as he says he does, then surely I should be made to feel important to him too.

I'm sure some of you will tell me to stop being selfish, and maybe I'm acting like a idiot. I am cross with myself for being so needy. I don't want to spoil things, he is a great guy and I have fallen in love with him too. It seems such a small, petty thing that has brought all these feelings to the surface again.

He should be with his kids...not running back to them...perhaps that's why he may feel guilty.....sure we all want to feel special but you get with someone knowing what their commitments are(their children)....it is a shame if it's your birthday but how would he feel about you (eventually)if you stopped him going to them when they called him.

Shine: thank you!!! I was feeling like I was an evil witch for suggesting such a thing. It's about balance..exactly right.

fizz- that is soooo weird! I am sorry but I wouldn't stand for that.

I agree that he may not be having sex, and it's great that they get on, but what appalls me is that he can tell you this and he thinks it's okay!

I know that divorce does not have to be acrimonious and some souples do weird stuff- I think it was Kinglsey Amis who lived with his 2nd wife whilst his 1st wife lived downstairs in his house- or vice versa!

BUT the point is you are not comfortable with what he is doing, so for your sake, if he care, he should sleep in another bed. or return home.

I dated a divorced dad for a year- he took his washing back to the ex every weekend ( he had had to live in a shared flat and she was hanging on to the house), he slpet over- not inthe ame bed- and he also gave her lots of money above what he had to, so she could have her hair done etc etc. It felt odd, but I know it was well and truly over with them.

if you are not comfortable with their arrangement have you asked him not to d o this?

You have only been together 12 weeks............if his committment to his kids, which seems very good, is such an issue, it seems to be with the buts then knock it on the head now.

Relationships shouldn't be like this after 12 weeks, you shouldn't really be questioning what he does with his kids, I think you need to stop being needy or if you can't take a step back then finish it before he does.

thanks Purple just for validating my pissed-off-ness!....it is weird isn't it? He knows I hate it. They went on holiday too "for the kids"...okay. But again, same bed scenario. I was trying to be understanding, etc but this just did my head in. Was starting to think I was being a crazy woman. Oh fucking life....so bloody complicated! Thanks again tho.!

fizz do you think you are being too tolerant
Their divorce sounds like a lot of marriages, lol! bed but no sex, holidays for the sake of the kids...!

has he really "left" in his head as much as in person?
Begs the question why they split if they really tolerate each other this well.

Sorry, but you are not crazy- they are.

Fizz I am genuinely confused by your posts about your (ex?) on this thread. You say on this thread that he is a "lovely man", but weren't you on another thread last week stating that he had a personality disorder and abusive tendencies that you were only now waking up to? . IIRC you don't just have fears of him sleeping with his ex, but with others too?

I've seen lots of your threads about this bloke - and he is bad news. I cheered when I saw your clarity last week and am sorry that you are back now describing him as "lovely".

I honestly think it would help you if you spoke to someone like a counsellor, because I think at least some of your feelings for this man are bound up in what you sacrificed to be with him. I hope he turns out to be a "Mr. Exit" relationship and that no permanent harm is done to you, but I wish you would cut your losses with this one.

Partytime I'm so glad your finding your feet in a new relationship, but I think you were so badly hurt before, it's not surprising that you don't want to repeat old patterns of behaviour. I think the way I'd look at this is to see the positives. This man doesn't "have to" be with his kids, he wants to be with them, which is how it should be. I am a bit shocked at the implication that a man only spends time with his DCs if he is compelled to do so.

If you find that there are unnecessary diversions away from you for things other than the DCs, then I think it would be fair to be concerned - and lateness without warning is bad manners, which shouldn't be tolerated.

But you know, he sounds like one of the good guys. He is including you in his family time and you know yourself that teenagers need ferrying around a lot, but if I had to guess, your DP loves the opportunity it gives him to have a chat and a laugh with his DCs and wouldn't want his ex taking his place as the taxi driver.

Don't make this a competition, relax into what sounds like a lovely relationship and if anything, encourage all those trips with his DCs, because I suspect he would miss that role terribly and if he's a decent man, wouldn't give them up for anyone. It's not forever either - all too soon they will be driving themselves places and life will be different.

Frankly Partytime this man should be putting his children first. If you were living together and they were your children one of you would be doing this running around, you wouldn't be sitting holding hands of a Friday night while the DC got themselves to activities. You want the fresh, new romance drop everything for you when he is at a life stage where he can't do that (or happily for his children won't do that)? You are alone because yours are at uni so you expect his children to see him less because you need looking after? He turned up before you needed to go out so it's not as if he actually made you late.
Sorry if this seems harsh but partners who get together with a person with DC and then expect that person to act as if they don't have them apart from during their official agreed time are selfish in my opinion.
If he messes you about, get rid, if he is straight and honest about what time he has and when he is likely to be on call for his children then it's up to you if you want to be with a man who has other responsibilities.

Purple: oh thank you for making me feel like I am not the crazy one here. I was beginning to feel like I was some horrible intolerant, selfish woman.

WWIFN: thank you so much for your response too. I am also up and down, confused about my feelings towards him and why I feel this way. I say "lovely" because he does have a lovely, sensitive side (although whether that is real is another question). But I have ended it...I have no intention of making any contact at all. Now just working it through in my head...he is the first thing I think of in when I wake up and pops into my head often.

I know I was talking like it was still on, but it is not...I know it was bad for me. And I do believe he has a personality disorder. Sometimes you can see everything so clearly, but emotions still get tangled up...we humans are horribly complex creatures. My heart still skips a beat when I think of him He's not my main focus in life as I have loads of things going on, but I want to learn from this experience. More confused posts to come I'm sure!

At this point you are heady on the intoxication of 'being in love'. Eventually real life intrudes. Are you sure that you really love this guy? Or do you just love 'being in love'?

They are different things. Good Luck.

Fizz what was that all about then? Here's me giving you suggestions- and your relationship is over!

Sorry OP for hijacking.....

Thank you for all your comments, supportive or otherwise, and I have no problem with the hijacking, all interesting and contributary points.

I just want to clarify a few things. I have no expectation that some one would 'put me on a pedastal', nor do I expect some one to put me on 'a list' and prioritise me above their kids.

FGS I have my own DC and they are above and beyond the most important thing in my life, whether they live at home or not. I would never ask him to not see his kids, nor if they needed a lift somewhere ask him not to because it was 'my night'.

All I ask is for some consideration, he had told me he was taking DC out at 7pm and he turned up at mine just before 9, he only lives 15 minutes away from me. And yes I was pissed off.

To answer one posters question, I have been separated 1 year, I had a few dates before meeting him, and I have acknowledged that I may have some hangover from my exh, who treated me very badly indeed. So possibly I do feel insecure about my new relationship but I have no concern over my self esteem, I am very buoyant and know my worth.

He has been separated 4 years and has had a couple of short relationships before me, of which he has told me why he felt they didn't work out.

I don't see how people can question my feelings towards him due to the length of time I have known him. We are all different, some people are naturally more cautious, some on here seem to be remarkably bad judges of character, getting involved with real twunts.
But I feel I have spent a lot of time getting to know him enough to see he is genuine and a great father to his kids.

Maybe you need to look at this another way.

If it weren't for the kids, would he be turning up late/cutting it fine and so on for other reasons?

Are you making his kids a scapegoat for a simple lack of thougtfulness?

I think it is right that people are questioning your feelings as 12 weeks is a very short time. I am sure you are " in love" but it's only as time goes on that you really get to know a person, and the incidents such as being late etc show themselves.

I just can't help think that you are making this one incident a peg to hang all your insecurities on, and if it wasn't that incident there would be something else.

Was he really out of order or are you allowing your insecurity to make you intolerant a nd needy?

Partytime I really think you are confused, here you say......

My issue with this I suppose is that I feel as if I am way down the list of priorities

then you say in your last post......

nor do I expect some one to put me on 'a list' and prioritise me above their kids

Is that not your whole gripe though? That after 12 weeks you feel as per your op way down on his list of priorities, including his children?

It is what it is a 12 week old relationship, his kids should and always should be his priority, but as it's all so new, it's a bit to soon to be going through this. You should be happy, not going through all this turmoil.

It does sound rather like you are too needy and you do have issues from before and that you are jumping in far too quick. It does also sound that you need him to reassure you and fill a gap in your life (not healthy) and you are in a way trying to compete with his children for his time and attention.

In all honesty I think you need to address your insecurity issues etc, before it kills this relationship and more in the future, or worse you get stuck in a vicious cycle of bad relationships.

Hi partytime, I'm with those people here who suggest you should relax into this and not fret too much.

You are not coming across as needy to me at all, just a little fed up that your weekend together was disrupted. I suggest you tell him this - he needs to place boundaries around his time as he is clearly in demand.

Is there any chance his ex-wife was stirring and not doing her runs so that he had to step in, knowing that that would take him away from your time together?

He sounds great BTW, you are feeling your way after a really upsetting time, so go easy on yourself and him. Tell him what has upset you, how it can be avoided in the future and enjoy your lovely new man!

Purple: sorry...it is over, but I'm trying to make sure I make it over for good. Trying to work things out in my head...make sure I don't go back. I really do appreciate your advice...still in the "if he calls me to declare undying love, I will probably fold" state. But hope I don't.

You don't sound like you like him very much maybe you should knock it on the head.

Fizz Can I reiterate what I posted downthread? Have a good think about how much you have been idealising this relationship and putting up with so much, because you made sacrifices to be with him. There's a sense of you needing to love him and for him to be wonderful, to justify what you did.

I don't know this man, obviously, but when ever I have seen your posts about him, I have been hugely sceptical about his qualities and always felt that you were rationalising your behaviour, to yourself as much as us.

WWIFN: spot on...you are a great judge of character. His and mine. Am emerging from the tunnel of madness tho. You are good!

Partytime: I am sorry for the hijacking! But back to you. 12 weeks is not long, but for some people 12 weeks can be very full on and intense. Gavin and Stacey got married after 9 weeks after all...lol!

But I really get your main point, which is that he showed no consideration for you by turning up so late. It's not that you want him to sideline his kids for you, just that you want him to treat you properly. The way you described the "shrug of the shoulders" made me shudder....he needs to understand that he has to be courteous to you no matter what extenuating circumstances (and they always happen when kids are involved!)

You're not selfish...you just want proper treatment as a human being. He was an arse that night as far as I can see.

Fizz absolutley what I thought too, consideration and courteous behaviour is all I expect.

Saw him yesterday and we had a lovely afternoon and evening. Talked about why I was feeling a little anxious and he was very reassuring and apologised.

He has his DC for the next two days and then this coming weekend. Not a problem at all and he has asked me to join them on Saturday for an outing they had planned.

After considering all the comments and thinking it through, I know I need to chill and relax into the situation, and enjoy it for what it is.