Living with an alcoholic

[UndercoverChatter]

Not looking to share my woes. I've always known he was an alcoholic, and he's not violent or anything. It would just be interesting to hear what other people go through.
I find the irrationality, unreasonableness and unpredictability hardest to deal with. But maybe that's just my alcoholic!

It must be difficult - a friend of mine is in a similar situation. What does he drink, how much and how often? Is he aware he has a problem?

Thanks for answering, SB. He drinks anything and everything - beer, wine, cocktails, spirits - from the time he gets up to the time he goes to bed (usually early hours of the morning). But that sort of makes it sound worse than it is in reality. Most of the time it's just maintenance level drinking, but every couple of weeks the level gets too high and he becomes difficult to be with.
He knows he's an alcoholic, and has done for years. We both have. But he doesn't want to stop drinking. He doesn't know what he'd be like without it.
I don't want to sound downtrodden. I'm not at all. In fact in many ways I'm the powerful one in the relationship. But sometimes it's very hard not to think I'm going mad when he's being viciously nasty to me (verbally only), and swearing black is white. And the worst thing is that I know he's not going to remember what he said when it wears off. It's shadow boxing, but I end up becoming nasty to counter his nastiness. Complicated!!

Do you drink too?

Only socially. And even then, not a lot. In fact, can hardly remember the last time I was drunk.

Ha! When I say I can't remember it, what I mean is... You know what i mean. It's a while ago.

Have you been suffering long?

'Suffering' not really the right word. And I went into the relationship with my eyes open, so can't complain. But I suppose the answer is that I've been living with it for about 4 years.

So much for my undercover existence!

Don't worry-I don't think I've seen you before anyway so no judgement from me!

Have you any kids with this man?

One dd that we both adore, even though she wasn't planned.
Sorry, I didn't mean this to turn into a 'me' thread, just wondered how other people experience it.

Sorry-questioning over!
I have no knowledge of alcoholism so have no advice to give-just thought you might like to have a vent off!
Must be bloody hard and you must love him a great deal-as long as your dd isn't too affected by it, I suppose you must slog it out-there must be support groups for alcoholics partners aren't there?

Well, you know, the good times are very good. It's not all misery, just a bit more up and down than i'd like. I do wonder how it will be as dd grows up. Doesn't seem to bother her at all now, even though she hears some fairly nasty rows. But I wonder how to deal with friends coming over etc. in the future.

My SIL deemed herself alcoholic and checked herself/committed herself for rehab coupla months after DD was born.

Have to say the alcoholism was just a symptom of a bigger picture. Always had a confidence problem i gather. Was totally broken when her DH left her & 2 kids for young barmaid, has stumbled from one disaster to another and the whole alcoholism episode was another one of them. She may well still be but we tend to look at the thing as a whole and not the alcohol IYSWIM.

A totally different scenario to your DP i think.

Well it sounds like your SIL had a rough time before any booze problems started. Great that she has a supportive family.

Some of us are, some arent - you know what families can be like. My DP and i went straight down there when she admitted herself to look after the kids and stop her ex from flying over from spain needlessly.

We had to drag her mum down (my MIL2b) to help out though. I had 4 mth old DD at the time - everyone else was too busy........ there you go.

Reason being - some people get bored of dealing with drama after drama IYKWIM.

My Dad was an alcoholic. I don't remember him ever being a 'nasty' alcoholic - he was more maudlin when he was drunk. I hated it - especially, when I was a teenager and in my twenties.

In his sixties his heart finally gave up on him -he was told that if he continued to drink he would be dead within the year. He was given two years to live. I think he got a real shock. With help from a psychiatrist he stopped drinking. That was ten years ago.

Within a couple of years of giving up the drink he and my mother had gone their separate ways. (I guess, when you drink you don't have to confront much. You can let things 'wash over you.')They are really very different people.

I have so much admiration for my Dad. Now we get on very well. He would never know how much I hated his drinking. It's not something we talk about really - too dark, too secret. It would shock me to the core if I ever thought he'd started agin. And I would know immediately. But he's not likely to.

I'm curious, how would your relationship change if he didn't drink?

Whoa! Typo. That was started again. Not started a gin! (Not his preferred choice, anyway)

That's a hopeful story Inglis. Really good to hear that the two of you are so close now. Good question about our relationship. I don't really know the answer, because we've never been there. I would certainly hope that it would be calmer, less stressful and more fun. We really love each other and we get on so well when the alcohol level is right, but it's a very tiring life.
Kama - oh yes to the mood swings, sarcasm and name calling! Never really a good start to the working day, or indeed to be woken up for. On the other hand I know I can trust him, though I can't always rely on him.

Been watching this thread today with interest. My father (adoptive) was an alcholic, and I hated it, spent most of my childhood trying to support my mum or trying to stop him drinking. He was never violent, and outside the house you wouldn't have thought that he had a problem. He was however absent for my childhood, the drink was more important, more important than anything. He eventually got very ill, but it wasnt the alcohol that killed him. We never made up for that lost time, although we did gain a sort of peace before the end.

Hello there. Just to let you know, there is a support network for the partners of alcoholics - if you ring AA, they will give you the no. of your local support group. Basically, they will help you to live/deal with 'having to live with' an alcoholic. Once you are given a contact no. you can have a chat with them to get some idea of what it is they are offering. They recommend that you try to attend for 6 weeks if you can, unfortunately they don't provide creche facilities (well my local one doesn't). I haven't been myself as yet though I was on the verge of it. My DH had a massive health scare last week and has been frightened into cutting down on the alcohol....but he knows that I shall be going to the support group if he carries on the way he has been. Hope that this helps.

Thanks for that SS. I'll definitely consider it. I suppose what holds me back is the feeling that nobody else's situation is quite like mine (wrong, I'm sure).

When you talk about this Beetle, you sound...almost resigned to it... apathetic, even. Maybe you just sound very sad... There's no fire there, or anger. Sounds like living with him has sapped you of some vital spark.