Living with an alcoholic

[UndercoverChatter]

Not looking to share my woes. I've always known he was an alcoholic, and he's not violent or anything. It would just be interesting to hear what other people go through.
I find the irrationality, unreasonableness and unpredictability hardest to deal with. But maybe that's just my alcoholic!

Inglis that's really interesting. I wasn't conscious of coming across like that at all. I'm sure you're right that I've become resigned to much of it - as I said before, I put myself in this situation, so I set a lot of store by making it work, yet I really don't know how to go about getting him to cut down. I don't think my friends or colleagues would say that the spark has gone from me, but when I'm at home I probably do try to let it wash over me. I very definitely have two lives. I appreciate your comments, which I will mull over.

You say you have two lives. Which life d'you prefer? Or which Beetle d'you prefer? Home-beetle or other-beetle.

Forgive me. I don't mean to ask so many questions.

Hi Beetle. My stepdad was an alcoholic (not with my mum any more). When he was sober he was the nicest person you could ever hope to meet. When he was drunk it was just so difficult to know what was coming next. He was never violent but it was just so emotionally draining. He would tell lies about me to my mum. One day I knocked on his bedroom door and he purposely didn't answer so I would go in to see where he was and then he could tell me off for going in without being asked!!!! Freaky stuff. My mum got into loads of debt because of it too and every time she was just managing to scrape by he would go and nick a load of money out the bank for drink. He even used to raid my copper jar. My mum once replaced it hoping I wouldn't find out and he nicked that as well. He was so devious - he nicked a bottle of whiskey from our room (my bf (now dh) lived with us), drank it, replaced it with cold tea and superglued the lid back on.

OMG I didn't think I had that much to say - amazing how it all comes flooding back once I start talking about it.

Beetle, SS is right about Al-anon, its a great organisation. They aren't able to help the alcoholic in your life but they will help you to stand back and give you the strengh to learn how to cope with things in a way that is positive for you.

There maybe no-one there who's situation exactly matches yours but everyone really knows what you are going through, something that friends who have no experience of alcoholism just can't appreciate however hard they try.

We became part of a group about a year ago when my SiL's drinking was having a major effect on our lives. We probably only went for about 4 months but we learnt so much and were able to find the strengh to change our involvement in her life whilst still supporting her. Most people there either were living, or had been living, with alcoholic partners so you definately won't be alone.

Good luck

I also found al anon extremely helpful, really helps you stand back. In a way the people who went might be described as passive or apathetic, or alternativley as people who had simply made a choice to live with a situation, and were trying to do so without losing themselves. Difficult but possible I learnt.

Beetle73-How you doing??

Hi everyone, sorry to 'crash' this thread but I felt I had to share my experiences too. My Dad was, and still is, an alcoholic. It ruined my childhood, teenage years and even threatened to ruin my wedding day a few years ago. We no longer speak but my siblings are still in contact with him regularly. They don't seem to remember (for one reason or another) the abuse we suffered mostly verbally but also mentally and for my mother, physically. He refuses to admit he has a problem and it was this that drove my mother to divorce him after many years of trying to keep us all together. What I'm trying to say is, if your partner seems unlikely or even unwilling to change then he never will and it will be your daughter that suffers the most watching you struggle through and argue with each other. Believe me it's horrific. I begged my mother to divorce my Dad when I was just 11 and it was the best thing she ever did,albeit 5 years later! All our lives improved dramatically they day we knew we didn't have to be afraid of what Dad was going to be like when we got home or when he turned up home from the pub. Sorry to sound so dramatic but I would urge anyone living with an alcoholic partner (who refuses all help offered) to leave - especially where children are concerned. xxx

Hi everyone. Thank you all so much for getting involved. (I hope it's been cathartic). I really value your comments, and I really am thinking about contacting Al Anon.
I feel very disloyal discussing all this with you, and despite having started the thread to hear other people's experiences, I'm finding that it's really hard to avoid sharing more and more information about my own situation, because people keep asking such pertinent questions. Dropinthe - I'm fine thanks, though this has been a very irrational and irritating week. Inglis - a long answer to a short question: I enjoy my work, though I would prefer not to have the pressure of being main breadwinner; I love being with my friends, and frankly I enjoy them more without him there. However, I also love the sober times I spend with DP and DD, and seeing them enjoying each other's company. So I like aspects of both lives, but I think that I am more myself with friends and with DD than I am with him, when I change in response to his moods. So when he's being irrational and petulant, I often become shrill and impatient. When he's being vicious and unkind, I fight back the same way. I could go on...

HI Undercoverchatter
can't believe how many of you out there share experiences I've been through.
Hope your alcoholic doesn't make you feel as though you should be grateful for his 'love'... you sure you're not worth more than the roller-coaster ride that is living with him? Can you hide it from dd or is she old enough to understand? I had to ask myself if living with my alcoholic was a good role model for my then 11 yr old dd, I left him (after 9 years!) and haven't looked back. Sounds like you've got a good support system of friends out there, can you share how you feel with them?

Don't feel awkward about sharing your experiences, you're empowering yourself to either hang on in there and cope with the abuse or take the plunge and provide you and dd with a life without the constant fear that tonight's going to be a bad one/ seething because of the absolute sheer nonsense that's spilling out of his mouth etc etc etc.

Does your dp have epileptic fits if he's not topped-up with enough alcohol or hasn't he got that far yet? it's a scary experience and another way he'll be able to control your responses to his unacceptable drinking and consequent behaviour.

Never forget, he's responsible for his life, not you, AND you have dd to think of too... I feel that unless someone's prepared to participate in life and it's responsibilities then they don't have the right to the affections of a giving, loving, patient partner.

take care Undercover

Cabe x

Hi Cabe,

Thanks for your message. YOu made me smile with "seething because of the absolute sheer nonsense that's spilling out of his mouth". That struck a chord.

DD is too young to understand, though I'm sure she picks up vibes. I don't talk about any of this with RL friends, though my mother has a pretty good idea of what goes on, and I think his parents also get a bit of a picture. I'm glad that you managed to get yourself and DD out of your situation.

Oh, beetle, I just want to give you a big hug. It all sounds pretty lonely to me, and bloody exhausting. I know you say you love him, and the good times - when they come - are good, but I can't help thinking that you deserve so much more than this. If he's not going to try and stop drinking you might want to think about the possibility that there's someone else out there who could make you happy all of the time, not just some of it.

xx

Inglis, thank you for that. It is very comforting to know that other people have been there and understand how it is.

I have absolutely no intention of bailing out (perhaps I enjoy martydom!), but I do intend to make things change, and people on this thread have given me some very constructive advice. I understand that most alcoholics never change, but I owe it to all of us to try to help him.

I probably am a bit too complacent about the situation, and I tend to make everything work by just planning around him and making allowances. This probably exacerbates the situation. So a new era is about to dawn. I will keep you informed....

Good luck. From listening to others at Al Anon the surprising thing I found was that by changing their OWN ways, the partners and parents of alcoholics sometimes found that eventually there was a change in the drinker too. They produce some useful literature (some is a bit too higher power-ish for me) including booklets on how to help a child to cope with the situation.

Sorry Beetle, got your name wrong
so glad you've found some resources to help you make changes. You sound really positive now, really pleased for you as you obviously love this guy and have the energy and willpower to get you and DP out of the cycle. One thing's for sure, there's never a dull moment living with someone who's alcohol dependent!!!

Best wishes to you and little DD
Keep us posted
Cabe