After 29 years my husband has left me

[everest10]

In July, my husband of 24 years (we have been together for 29) told me he has been having an affair for 6 months with an old girlfriend he had been with before we met - 30 years ago.She is divorced and her husband did to her what she is doing to us. He was unfaithful and now having Googled M in June of last year 'to see what he was up to', her commitment to her relationship to my husband 'overrides any guilt she might have felt about breaking up our family'. My husband tells me he no longer loves me as a husband should , but only as the mother of our children.
My world and that of our children, 21,18 and 15, has been utterly shattered. T o everyone around us - me included- we had a wonderful relationship, and was always seen as solid as a rock, with the usual periodic ups and downs. Living apart 4 days a week due to his work has meant in his words 'the disparate life I have been leading has resulted in my becoming increasingly detatched from my life at home and I have met and fallen love with someone else who is in love with me, and I want to be with her and make a future with her'.
I experience every emotion in the book on an hourly basis. I cannot get my head around the fact that he's so calm an completely
detatched about it all. He's concentrating on rebuilding/maintenaing his - now damaged -
relationship with our children who seem to be responding to him which is of course good, although they are angry at how he's hurt me. He's got everything covered, and is consistantly urging me to be united for the children. He's paying the bills and not in any way quibbling about finances. I am fully aware that this might not always be the case. The OW will in time naturally expect him to 'get the wife and finances sorted so we can get on with being together and plan a future' However he is at great pains to assure me that she is in no way influencing how quickly things move, and has no interest in his money. (of which there is little)
I I love my husband deeply and want him back. Help.

I'm so sorry to read of your marriage break up. It is a complete shock to you, I know as I've gone through this too. You have to look upon this as a bereavement. It will impact upon your life in many ways.

If you want him back then just ignore him and when you see him let him see that you are happy and getting on with things. Keep conversations to a minimum.

Many more will come along for good advice. In the meantime take good care of yourself.

I'm so sorry. There are LOADS of people on here who will give you really good advice (I'm not one of them) but my response will help keep you in active Convos.

Please take care.

I am very sorry too. It always amazes me that women who were cheated on are prepared to go off with married men and inflict the same pain on someone else and this woman went out of her way to track him down. And yes! I know he is the one who has cheated before anyone leaps to her defence!

In your shoes I would definitely let him think I was moving on, I would look after myself physically an mentally,(and spend some of that money on personal grooming and maybe perhaps some evening classes and a nice holiday or something to keep you occupied and out and about.

Don't weep and wail or beg him to come home. He has gone off with her because she has put on an act for him, no doubt sex on tap and laughing at his jokes etc. Perhaps she also takes him back to when he was young and had his life in front of him. That's a seductive feeling for many people.

Soon enough the reality that she is just another imperfect middle aged woman will set in.

In your shoes if time passes and you really really want him back I would maximise my desirability, be friendly as hell, and wait my chance to steal him back from her when the gloss has worn off their relationship.

Hopefully you won't want him back though, once you have realised that he didn't deserve you!

I am so sorry.

6 months of relationship with her is very little compared to what he has with you but no doubt the "novelty" factor comes into it.

I really don't feel qualified to advise you but maybe celtic's advice is good, that if you can keep a strong calm and detached view of this...it may just be begging you to take him back after another 6 months. On the other hand he may not and no-one can predict how this will pan out.

I'm so sorry, you must be in total shock.

P.s. Try to leave your children out of the fallout, if at all possible. What he has done is not to be condoned but your kids' peace of mind will be your peace of mind in the months to come.

HE may be begging you...not IT.

How utterly miserable for you. I'm so sorry your husband's being such a twerp! Of course he's all calm about it; he's had ages to think about it, it's his decision and he's confident your family will be there in the background.

I echo your other respondents. He's not had to face humdrum reality with OW yet, and he won't even have considered that her little ways and habits will be different from yours. His shock will hit him later. By that time, you'll have got your own new routines in gear and be well on the way to a whole new, happier and more fulfilling life. If you want him back, this is the way to go.

It's also the way to go if you don't want him back - either way, the secret is to PUT YOURSELF FIRST although I know that feels ridiculous at the moment. Please start immediately: ring your women friends, sort out some irresponsibly alcoholic evenings with them, book a new hairdo and buy some new & different clothes. Take very good care to eat and drink enough - you're allowed a diet of chocolate and Tango for a few weeks (whatever you can stomach) but then start treating your body as a temple. Get some sleeping tablets if you can't rest.

On the 'getting him back' front: the most reliable method is to build a happy, interesting, new life as quickly and thoroughly as possible. Don't let him hang around the house, he's got to get out of there and start being separated pronto. But invite him to all & any family/friends events, days out & suchlike, without OW and without commitment. That is, lay him a place but don't put any pressure on him. If he turns up, be pleasantly normal but don't even hint at any relationship issues. Just be yourself (albeit emotionally dishonest). He mustn't feel he can just wander in whenever he likes - change the locks - but do invite him.

The beauty of this approach is that, not only is it the one most likely to work, but it also sets you up for a great start if it doesn't work or you change your mind.

The best advice anyone can give you right now is to take your OWN well-being very seriously indeed. It's a big switch of focus, but you can do it.

We're all agreed, then.

You've got your answer OP - I hope you feel like you can make a start...

I agree with the others too. He has fallen for the 'unreal' life that she is offering him. No new school shoe or gas bill talk. It's all pretend. Like ItsGraceAgain says, start NOW. Do things for yourself.

And don't let him carry on his life with you and the children just as it was before.

I once worked as a live in nanny for a woman whose husband did this. And she just let him come in the house with his key, get a beer out of the fridge, make a sandwich etc. As a newcomer to the situation I found it all so weird. He even used to read the children's bedtime story IN HER BED with the children. It wasn't until I pointed it out that she noticed it all. He was having his pretend life with his new girlfriend but carrying on with the home life he had before at the same time. When my friend had her kitchen cupboards repainted, and we put all the contents back in different places, he went mad

So sorry to read this...you must be shattered..my Dad chucked us,DB,myself and Mum 33 years ago,i was 17,DB was 21 and Mum 52...they had been married for 29 years,we had trailed round the world after his job all this time,he was in the army...(DB and i went to boarding school)..he never let Mum work as it wasn't the 'done thing'...army officer and all,and frankly not possible when moving every two years or so.....So Mum got a job and it was the making of her....devastated at first,she pushed DB and i off to college and University and got on with her life...so,so proud of her..she continued to work until she was 72....now retired and elderly,she's the best Grandma and as sharp as a tack....50(ish) isn't old these days,you have a good life ahead of you...good luck

I wholeheartedly agree with the other posts that you need to look after yourself and not beg him to come back.

However, have you considered the fact that with your DH living away for most of the week, he may, as he himself says, have disassociated himself from you and the family a long time ago- not simply 6 months back- but it was only when he met someone else that he has had the courage to leave? Not a nice thought, but true perhaps. People have to be receptive to another relationship.

He has had time and space to consider what he wants.

I know you are angry, but try not to cast the OW as the demon in this. Just because she was hurt it doesn't mean she was actively seeking to hurt another family, in order to even up the odds in some way.

Her marriage was over when she and your DH met- she was single- so the blame must lie with your DH. Long marriages- and I am in one longer than yours- do sometimes fizzle out , with neither party admitting it until something jolts them out of the status quo.

Rather than simply flinging yourself into a whirl of looking after yourself and having fun, it will help if you seek counselling and talk all of this over with a trained person. You might find that when you talk, you discover more about what went wrong than you can at the moment. it will also give you the chance to consider what you would do should he want to come back if this new relationship doesn't survive. I have a friend whose DH did exactly what yours did-months after we had been to their silver wedding do, at whcih everything seemed rosy. He had found another woman but it didn't last- but neither did he come back.

I am also going to say something that you won't find easy- but if you really do love your DH, then a sign of love is to set someone free if they are not happy. Maybe in time your anger will become more compassionate.
Wishing you peace.

Reading your story is so sad and I am so sorry for your pain. Please dont beg him though as this will be something (when your initial raw emotions subside) you will really regret. I think affairs do happen for a reason and living away from a partner is often one of them as life certainly does become detached. I imagine that this relationship he has is all novel as the feeling of falling in love again is and it is truly a liberating wonderful feeling but whether this realtionship has any sticking power is a totally different issue. You may find after another six months he is crawling back begging you. That said dont live your life on the assumption that will happen. Take time grieve your loss for it is hugely significant! Cry buckets and then pick yourself up again and carry on with your life and eventually you will find love again too. Good Luck.

I am truely humbled that you have all taken the time to respond.Thankyou.Purplepeony - you are right, he has since told me that out of the 24 years we have been married he has only loved me for 20 of them, so it is obviously a state of mind that he has been struggling with for some time. What makes me so sad and angry in equal measure is the fact that he never thought to talk to me at the very beginning so that we could have had a chance to fix things. I was never given that chance.
I am past the begging stage, though I did tell him that the door to my heart and soul remains forever open. No response. The younger of the two childrens' birthdays are soon and I am not sure I can do the happy family thing as he will be seeing them for the first time since he moved away. I have explained this to them and they fully understand. I am acutely aware that this is not an ideal situation for them, but a little self-preservation is I suppose kicking in. I also feel that wanting me to be there is partly him wanting to make himself feel good and almost justify what he's done.

You do whatever is right for you OP, you deserve that much.

everest very similar thing happened to me ie finding out xh had been unhappy for a long time then left with ow in the wings to consider his options, a couple of months later he took ow option. One of the abiding things I struggle with is that he too never bothered to talk to me about it but just waited until he was sufficiently unhappy and with ow incentive as well he left.

This will be really hard and a very uneven process but truly it does get easier. If you can take the advice given about spoiling yourself etc thats great. For myself I had to spend a couple of months quietly grieving and processing everything before I could start that sort of thing.

Keep posting and getting all the support you need everest and you are right of course your dc are important but so are you.

Take Care

Oh poor you. I don't believe he only loved you for 4 out of 24 years. aybe the gloss wore off after 4 years but love changes. This could be a mid life crisis, but it might not. If you assume not, it will help more.

I fully get why you mean by not having the chance to try with him. That's what makes me think the 4 years thing is an excuse. I think that maybe he was bored and not fully engaged in your marriage, and that this new intense"love" is such a contrast that he thinks he didn't love you. Maybe his telling you this gives him some kind of permission to leave- easier to say he didn't love you than admit he was bored, whatever, yet didn't have the guts to say so and try to make things better.

You are right, that after 24 years you deserved to know that he wasn't happy. I suppose all you can do is make that another black mark- that he couldn't or wouldn't communicate with you about how he felt.He was too cowardly to say how he felt perhaps until he had an exit strategy.

Sadly, they do say that very few men leave a marriage unless they have another woman to go to- they would rather plod on unhappily than be on their own. 70% of divorces are initiated by women.

I think you are right not to play happy families so quickly- let him feel the effects of his choice.

Do think about counselling- both my friends whose DHs left found it very useful- one even began it again 4 years afterwards as she was still not over it fully and needed to get stuff out.

Goodluck.

oops- sorry- mental maths not working tonight- 20 out of 24! makes a difference. Sorry.

gettingeasier- It has been about a month since I have seen any of my friends, by design. I have had so much email/text/mail support from family and friends it's overwhelming. I have just wanted to retreat and talk to a couple of faraway girlfriends. When one well-meaning friend came over with her husband to offer help/a shoulder, I opened the door, burst into tears and asked them to leave (as politely as I could). It's almost as if I was scared to see them as I was protecting myself.....from what and whom I don't know.
purplepeony - We did the councelling thing when he told me he'd been having the affair -at his insistance, and I now realise that it was supposed to be of benefit to me as, by definition councellors are there to listen ,not judge or offer advice. So M just sat there safe in the knowledge that he wasn't going to be judged and knowing that nothing for him was going to have to change
Cruel in the extreme.
He's gently now asking me if anything formal is in the pipeline with regard to moving to the next stage - I suppose this means finances/settlement etc. I am SO not ready for this, but I also know that delaying things will only make them harder to confront in the long run.
Never in a million years did I ever think I'd be in a situation where I'd be talking to complete strangers about my marriage.
I am however very grateful for everybody's advice.

Tell your H that whats in the pipeline is a long period of grieving and recovery for you and that you arent ready to even consider those types of issues yet so he will have to wait

I have noticed the main school of thought on here is often to start financial settlements while the h feels guilty or to get things "sorted out to move ".

For me , and I recognise I was fortunate in being financially secure, there was no question of coping effectively with long term financial decisions. In my case the opposite was the case in that it took me 6 months to be strong enough to fight my corner and make decisions not clouded by emotion and the need to just "get it over with"

It sounds like you have a pool of support ready for when you want to face the world and that is a comfort even if you arent ready to tap into it yet.

Rant , cry , grieve and tell your H to have a heart and leave the settlement for now. It will get better although I know that wont feel feasible at the moment

to Move on

purplepeony - We did the councelling thing when he told me he'd been having the affair -at his insistance, and I now realise that it was supposed to be of benefit to me as, by definition councellors are there to listen ,not judge or offer advice. So M just sat there safe in the knowledge that he wasn't going to be judged and knowing that nothing for him was going to have to change

I think you are wrong about him here. It is very early days and it is quite possible that in months or even years to come, he will need to assuage his guit over this and possibly neeed counselling.

Perhaps it was a mistake to go to counselling together, if he had no intention of trying to make the marriage work and sat there simply as some kind of chaperone for you.
However, it should have given you both a neutral space where you could talk honestly about what went wrong and why he has moved out etc.
Were you able to express your anger and so on at those sessions and get any understanding of how he was feeling?

It would still help perhaps to go alone.

If you are not ready to do anything re. the house and finances, then don't. He cannot divorce you for 5 years if you do not agree. My friend made her H wait five years as she said that she didn't want a divorce- so she made him stick it out. They were very wealthy though and able to afford two large homes without selling the family home. She applied for a legal separation so that she got maintanance, as she did not work and was late 50s.

Do what suits you best. You don't have to be pushed into financial changes before you are ready to do so.

Everest:
He told you he only loved you 4 years out of the 24. Shakes head in disbelief that he would come up with this unimaginative nonsense. My husband told me that he only loved me a couple of years out of the 20 we'd been together and this was patently rubbish!

He is post rationalising and the OW is helping him with this. She's doing it so that she can claim longevity in love with him. He's doing it so that he looks better.

My husband has since told me that he didn't mean it when he wrote that and has admitted to historical revisionism with regard to our relationship. He has also told me that there are times when he misses me.

Remember it's not just him there is his girlfriend. She's going to fight to keep him and will tell him anything to keep him sweet (as will he to her). It's early days. The infatuation will wear off as quickly as it started. The fact that he has been seeing her for six months is interesting. She may well have been putting the pressure on him to end his marriage, or else...

Sorry got the maths wrong. He has loved you for 20 years out of 24. Same thing. You can't just stop loving someone you've known that long.

purplepeony - we also has seperate councelling sessions and I mostly cried throughout them, while he just repeatedly said how he loves the OW and that he no longer loves me. I feel that it's actual advice I need now rather than someone who just sits there and, in my view, earns a rather easy £70....
In fairness, it was cathartic but I have friends who have been just as helpful.
What I find so sad is that I have been ground down by this to the extent that each day I am becoming a little more detatched from him. 9 weeks ago he was the love of my life....now his indifference,coldness and complete blanking out of any emotion has taken me to a place I never thought I'd see.

everest- I amnot a counsellor but I have friends who are, and friends who have had counselling.
Maybe you simply didn't have a helpful counsellor as some are more passive than others, and others quite frankly, better than others.

If your friends are helping that is great but they will be prejudiced and on your side, and not actually able perhaps to really speak their minds in case they hurt you further.

I wonder if your husband has been able to explain why he felt the need to go? Would it not help you in the longer term to know what he felt was wrong, leading to his detachment for 4 years?

I am sure that you will go through many emotions as the loss runs its course.

My H told me that he first started having doubts about our relationship 13 years before we separated (after over 20 together) and I still find this the most painful aspect of the separation. To me, it feels like the ultimate betrayal because I was given no opportunity to work things out together. I also feel stupid, that I should have seen he wasn't happy etc. I would never treat anyone like this because this is not what love it about. Love is about mutual respect, support, partnership, trust and honesty. Ultimately, if you care about the person you are with on any level at all, you owe it to them to be straight with them and to work through problems before they get to this point.

As another poster said, I let him go because I loved him and that's the only fair thing to do in the circumstances. But it doesn't stop it from hurting and the worst thing about separating is it is the hurt that just keeps giving.

This is a marathon and not a sprint so try to plan how you are going to cope both emotionally and practically in the long term. If you have good friends, let them help and support you. As hard as it is, don't shut them out. IME people expect you to be on your feet and 'over it' remarkably quickly and don't recognise just how painful it is to separate from someone you love, especially when you have to keep seeing them.

Everyone tells you it gets easier, and I'm really hoping it does but I'm a year in and I still have days when the pain my DCs are experiencing poleaxes me and I wonder how I'm going to keep doing this day after day. So don't underestimate the levels of pain and grief you will experience or the length of time you'll feel them for.

By all means see a counsellor/psychotherapist but make sure that they are someone you find supportive and life affirming.