Would those with satisfying sex lives in long term relationships please come and offer me some advice

[walkingonsunshine]

I have been married for 15 years, mostly happily though with the odd difficult phase. Now is a good time, we are getting on well, close emotionally and really great companions, in that we love talking to one another. I love my H, he has some great qualities and I want to stay married to him for the rest of our days.

However, here it comes....I am completely bored with our sexual relationship. We used to be great together and have lots of mutally satisfying sex. Now after 2 kids and 15 years together, it is very boring. but I'm not sure why it's boring! Me? Him? or us as a couple?

I started switching off after our first baby was born, there was too little time for sex at the time I liked, i.e. daytime and I just couldn't be bothered in the evenings. But I still wanted to meet my H's sexual needs and I enjoy doing things to him, but even then it doesn't make me feel like getting involved for myself IYSWIM. So I now meet his needs and don't seem to have any of my own :( Whenever he suggests doing something for me, I just feel that I can't be bothered getting into the whole thing/too much hassle/would rather be sleeping. Sounds awful I know!

He is kind of OK with things, we've talked about it a lot and I've just said it's sort of gone for me - the desire bit and I don't know how to get it back. We do still have sex probably once/twice a week, so it's not the frequency that's the problem, it's the lack of spontaneity/excitement and the fact that I can't even get myself interested enough to want an orgasm.

I thought it may be due to early peri-menopause dampening my desire so had accepted this as a possible explanation. Then I bumped into an ex-boyfriend last December, while Christmas shopping alone, we went for a coffee, talked about the old times and it all came flooding back. We texted a bit over the following few days and it all became very sexual very quickly. I then stopped it as it had got out of hand and I was getting myself into something that was very damaging to my marriage. But my point is during those few days, I was thrown into a state of sexual excitement - I realised that my desire to be sexual had not gone at all. I just can't seem to sustain sexual interest within my marriage.

I often think that sexual desire starts in my head and is triggered by many things; how emotionally close we are, if we've had a really interesting conversation, if there's been a slow build-up throughout the day of sexy texts etc.

It might also be to do with the image you have of your H, whether you fancy him and find yourself fancying him when he is doing something mundane, like washing up, or ironing. Do you have any frustration with his appearance or habits that are inhibiting your image of him as a fanciable, sexual being?

Out of interest, did you tell your H about your close shave with infidelity? Secrets damage intimacy terribly.

What about your own self-image? Do you feel like a sexual woman in your marriage, or has that become inhibited by motherhood, working and tiredness? Do you feel "embarrassed" being sexual with your H and would you shrink from saying the kind of affirming things you used to, about your sexual desire - and his sexiness?

Try to imagine sending your H some of the texts you sent to the man you had an emotional affair with - what is your reaction to that?

watching with interest as could almost have written op myself...find I have more lust for young pin-ups or film stars these days than for DH! Still love him dearly, just don't get much of a frisson.
Its almost like all the day to day transactional business of being in a partnership and dealing with household management etc drives out space for sex. Plus there is definitely something about the excitement of the new.
We kind of manage ok but sex is rather formulaic and I know that he would like it more often than me.

Oh no, I couldn't! He would be shocked. I'm very sad about the sexual texts thing with this ex-boyfriend and could never admit it to my H. It came at a big low point in our marriage but I was shocked at how I felt I'd fallen at the first hurdle. Though it wasn't actual sexual contact, I consider I was unfaithful in thought and that was bad enough.

Sexual desire starts in my head too, and this is where I think I'm being lazy, but am not sure why. If I bother to get my head into the whole thing it will be great as my H is lovely that way and likes to be sexually satifying to me. But I just don't bother getting my head into that place.

I do fancy him, he is exactly my type! I just fancy him in a long term best friend way, rather than wanting to rip his kit off way!

I do not feel sexual within my family home at all. I think the ex-BF thing happened so quickly because I felt free from constraints of being a mummy/wife/proessional - all very sensible but I clearly craved being wild and free from responsibility. It was a close shave and I now feel vulnerable to this happening again. If i can get back in the sexual zone with my H again, I'm sure I won't be as vulnerable again.

sorry my second post was to WWIFN. Thanks to you both though.

yes, nearly we too spend so much of our evening talking about each other's work day/house/kids school issues, that we are just functioning on a practical/useful level.

Sometimes wish I could get my act together to book a day room at a hotel and take my H there with champagne and chocolates!

Can't you imagine the ex boyfriend in your head when having sex...not very helpful but just a thought.

Dh and I never had the at it all the time when we were first doing it as he has a low libido. We have had arguments about it, and I have also had a close-ish shave with an ex, and for a while he initiated sex a lot more. I fancy dh more now than ever and have recently wanted sex a lot more than before but I still get days when I can't be bothered, would rather read, think it is all daft but I never turn dh down if he wants it. He turns me down though.

Go and book the hotel room, buy yourself some lingerie you feel great in and just go for it. I find that when we have it more I want it more but after a few days of not doing it I forget all about it.

It seems as though you see yourself as there purely for his sexual pleasure and not your own - is there a bit of resentment at knowing he is happy to take what's on offer with the full knowledge that you're only doing it for him?
My DH wouldn't actually want sex if I wasn't fully into it, he'd rather go without and would probably be quite offended if I said I didn't particularly want sex but I'd "put out" anyway, if sex isn't a 2 way thing, what's the point, half of the pleasure is in the giving of pleasure to your partner after all.

I think the main issue is that you are performing for him, whether you both fully realise that or not, it's bound to be floating around in your subconcious. Sex is a chore for you, not the pleasurable activity that it should be.

If you didn't see sex as your duty to be performed for your husband's sexual needs, you might start fancying him again.

sunshinesbrightly - no no no! Just could not and would never want to. He is not a patch on my H actually and I'm glad I married my H and not him. But this ex-BF and I were very sexual and very naughty together and it didn't take much to remind me of all that. He is uninhibited whereas my H was brought up in a strict catholic house so is much quieter/more shy about sex. My H doesn't even like to talk about masturbation - doesn't mind if I mention that I have, like if I go to bed on a sat afternoon while he looks after kids, I might tell him I have and he laughs or cuddles me. But if I ask him the same he would deny it and look embarrassed.

Pinkbasket - the hotel is a good idea for a one off, but it's not going to solve our regular/weekly problem

But my thought is if you have fun at the hotel it will wake up your desires and it might help?

I know what you're saying malificence. When I say we have sex once or twice a week, I really mean I give him a BJ those times. When we actually do have sex maybe monthly, I do make myself get my head into the whole thing and it is good for us both - but I do have to make myself which I don't think is good.

The BJs are because I want him to be happy sexually and I can make him happy in that way very easily and I like doing it. I genuinely like it, rather than just servicing him. But that only started being that way after I went off being involved myself - he wasn't happy with that to begin with as it upset him I suppose he feels rejected. He often asks me what would I like and I just say 'oh, I'm fine'. But I'm not really.

You couldn't send sexy texts as he would be shocked? Assuming you're right about this and he wouldn't instead be delighted, this is pretty revealing. It suggests you've both got out of the habit of being sexual with one another unless you are in a bed.

I don't want you to necesarily answer this to us, but think about these questions.

Do you have sex with the lights on, or in natural light? Do you talk during sex and keep up eye contact? Do you give each other compliments about how bits of your bodies, look feel and taste? Comment on the sensations?

Think carefully too about the secret you are harbouring. You would be amazed how this can be a barrier to intimacy and so another question is, do you think you may have been viewing your DH differently since the EA (and incidentally, that is what is was)? You are using very "minimising" language about thas relationship. Do you see your H as a victim at all and this is reducing his sexual appeal? Is any guilt getting in the way too?

I really hope not shineon really hope not. I love him and think I fancy him.

malificence I think I may be punishing him a bit in not letting him give me the same pleasure I give him. But I'm not sure for what! Maybe because I do feel the BJs are a chore so that's it. I sometimes like it and sometimes less so.

But something isn't right anyhow and I'm worried I'm in this vulnerable state at the moment. I do fantasize about other guys I meet here and there.

i think this is such a common problem for so many women, juggling kids, work, home life its tiring and wearing down.

Im not saying men dont have stress but for them sex can be a physical release whereas for women its not neccesary what they want/need.

Have you ever gone away with your dh with no children.

I have done this twice and i can say that on the 2 occassions that i ahve i feel like me again, not mummy or the worker at work or the house wife.

But i agree it does not solve the weekly issue

oh and its natural to fancy other guys men fancy adn look at pretty women all the time.

doesnt mean the grass is greener though

I think the fact that he's lying there, letting you service him on a twice weekly basis, is the main factor in how you feel about sex tbh.

I'm probably not explaining this very well, but I once heard/read that WRT sex, the man gets turned on by the other person, the woman gets turned on by herself. So, how do you get turned on? Wear something naughty under your everyday clothes. Get yourself a bit warmed up and then jump your DH.

The second thing is that you said is you don't feel sexual in your own home. Maybe a simple solution is to sort out your bedroom. Make it a kid-free zone, redecorate and have it a bit more sensual. (If it's not already, obv I don't know you!) Get rid of the pile of laundry that needs putting away (if it's anything like my room sometimes) and stick on some music/light some candles/whatever floats your boat. Could you both sneak home at lunchtime the odd day so the kids aren't about? I've always enjoyed afternoon sex more myself, so I think I get where you're coming from about the evening time.

The third thing you said is that you can really talk to your DH. Have you told him you need more? That you need him to be a bit dirtier. There may be things that are hard limits for him, but he might enjoy trying something new. While I'm sure bi-weekly BJs are lovely, he may be feeling the lack of intensity too.

I will also admit that, while our sex-life has always been pretty good (and we're together nearly as long as you and yours), it experienced a turbo-boost when I started reading erotic literature. It's a victimless crime, perhaps something you could both do together & it might give your DH some ideas. I find this great because DH will occasionally try something new without my having to suggest it directly. I think if you have to be really specific about it all the time, it's like having to explain a joke; it sucks all the fun out of it.

I know a lot of this is vague and simplistic, but I feel from your posts that you really love him and want to get the fun back.

Do you read/watch anything that kicks off your libido? DH and I still have lots of sex after nearly 20 years of marriage. I don't know about him because I've never asked, but quite often I fantasize that I'm with someone else or in a different location when we have sex. I like reading books with sex in them, and watching the sort of drama that has a fair bit of romantic interest. I have quite a high sex drive anyway so seek out quite explicit literature, it may be that it has a feeback effect, enjoy sex therefore enjoy sexual literature which leads to having sex and enjoying it.

Sounds to me that you need some sort of new scenario/naughtiness/spontenaity (sp?) to get excited.

"Sometimes wish I could get my act together to book a day room at a hotel and take my H there with champagne and chocolates!"

Well bloody do it then!! Sounds like this is exactly what you need to liven things up.

Also I have heard that some women have had enough of any kind of touching when they have had children cuddling and kissing them all day as well as all the carrying and holding hands that come the evening they want their bodies for themselves.

thank you all, off for school run now! I'm going to have to think about things you have all said. Thank you for coming on my thread to offer comment.

malificence just say that was the problem, or causing resentment, what would you do about it? How could that be changed? I don't want to ignore his needs.

But I do want to make things work for us both.

Stop giving him regular BJs - explain gently that they are actually becoming a barrier to true intimacy, they may be a nice treat but they are in no way a good substitute for good (fully interactive) sex, you say you enjoy giving them but if they gave you real pleasure then they would make you want sex, surely?
You've become sexually detached from him, and he from you, in a way. He can't be truly satisfied with the attention you give him, it's just not on a par with fabulous sex with 2 willing participants sharing equal pleasure.
Is it also the only form of intimacy between the two of you?

Ummm, not sure about all this now. Doesn't sound as simple as I was hoping it would sound written down.

WWIFN - when we do have sex it is with lights on but there is little intimacy. I talk dirty to him but we don't share thoughts on each other.

I couldn't share my secret as he would blame me forever about it. I think he would stay with me, but use it against me in the future. My best friend even said the same - to never tell him. So I bury it. But I miss the fact that this guy adored me openly, I miss that adoration but I think that is a bit childish, like I just have to get over myself.
Not sure about my H as a victim - he was treating me pretty badly at the time of this emotional connection with ex-BF. He had withdrawn intimacy from me.

I get excited about the idea of reading erotic literature - I used to read stuff nancy friday and other people but for some reason it all sort of stopped when H and I got together. Maybe I should start that up again. I bought a small playful vib recently, meaning to share it with H so we could play together, but it is still in it's box. I just haven't found the time/found any interest even on my own.

Malif - I don't know about stopping BJs. That feels like me withdrawing emotional connection when I really want more of that. But sex is our only form of intimacy. Being best friends is another perhaps. We do cuddle and hold hands a lot.

I know somethings wrong I just am not quite sure how to fix it.

Yes, I have become sexually detached from my H. That rings true. And he sees me as someone who will provide for him in that way, but he is now quite detached from my needs as I have pushed him away.

He wasn't happy about it to begin with but I suppose as time has gone on he has adapted. It has upset him in the past as he must miss the true intimacy that we used to have. But the point it left us was when our first child arrived and it has just never returned.

We used to have a night or two away together and really get into it during that time. Those times certainly brought us closer together physically but we don't have the right childcare at the moment for that.

I need to work on things a bit as it feels so wasteful of our potential. One thing I must do though is make sure I don't take on 'working on this' as yet another job I have to do at home! I don't need anything else on my to-do list. Perhaps I should think about intimate things I would like my H to do so he takes on some responsibility for getting us out of this rut.

It really does sound like you are just in a rut - it's not that you don't fancy your DH deep down, it's just that you've fallen out of the way of thinking about him that way.

Erotic literature could be a great way to kick start your libido, especially if you've enjoyed it before and can picture your DH in the starring role, as it were.

If you've read Twilight (or even if you haven't) maybe try the Twisluts thread? I hear that this is quite enjoyable