Would those with satisfying sex lives in long term relationships please come and offer me some advice

[walkingonsunshine]

I have been married for 15 years, mostly happily though with the odd difficult phase. Now is a good time, we are getting on well, close emotionally and really great companions, in that we love talking to one another. I love my H, he has some great qualities and I want to stay married to him for the rest of our days.

However, here it comes....I am completely bored with our sexual relationship. We used to be great together and have lots of mutally satisfying sex. Now after 2 kids and 15 years together, it is very boring. but I'm not sure why it's boring! Me? Him? or us as a couple?

I started switching off after our first baby was born, there was too little time for sex at the time I liked, i.e. daytime and I just couldn't be bothered in the evenings. But I still wanted to meet my H's sexual needs and I enjoy doing things to him, but even then it doesn't make me feel like getting involved for myself IYSWIM. So I now meet his needs and don't seem to have any of my own :( Whenever he suggests doing something for me, I just feel that I can't be bothered getting into the whole thing/too much hassle/would rather be sleeping. Sounds awful I know!

He is kind of OK with things, we've talked about it a lot and I've just said it's sort of gone for me - the desire bit and I don't know how to get it back. We do still have sex probably once/twice a week, so it's not the frequency that's the problem, it's the lack of spontaneity/excitement and the fact that I can't even get myself interested enough to want an orgasm.

I thought it may be due to early peri-menopause dampening my desire so had accepted this as a possible explanation. Then I bumped into an ex-boyfriend last December, while Christmas shopping alone, we went for a coffee, talked about the old times and it all came flooding back. We texted a bit over the following few days and it all became very sexual very quickly. I then stopped it as it had got out of hand and I was getting myself into something that was very damaging to my marriage. But my point is during those few days, I was thrown into a state of sexual excitement - I realised that my desire to be sexual had not gone at all. I just can't seem to sustain sexual interest within my marriage.

I do have some suggestions, which are all very women's-magazine-ish and in a similar vein to those you've already been given. The two points I'm picking up on are what you said about your humdrum conversations, and the fact that you now feel so unsexy, you can't be bothered to try out the vibrator. I think there's some kind of fear of sexual intimacy going on within you - very likely related to a drop in your self-confidence, which is pretty normal when you have young children.

My two-pronged approach, then, is about reviving your interest in yourself and putting a bit of liveliness back in your interactions with H. Stop thinking about your sex life as a problem, as this will only give you a sort of performance anxiety - I think you'll find more of your inner sexiness if you take things one moment at a time, and enjoy more of the moments as they happen.

Touch is a powerful and highly versatile force. While there is plenty of touch in your life, it's pretty much all of the giving variety - you're being a nurturing mum, a chivvying mum, a considerate wife and so on. What's not happening to you is much stroking - your skin is an organ of service rather than pleasure.

It would be good for you to get some massages, have your hair done at a swanky hairdressers, maybe get some facials and a makeover. You could also try reflexology treatments (feet & hands), head massages, manicures and pedicures. If you're not much of an exerciser, try out a dance class or yoga, or Pilates - something to move your body, and have fun with it. Keep this up at home - take 5 minutes after your bath or shower to apply body lotion in good, luxurious strokes. Give yourself a face massage. Put some music on and practice your new moves. Brush your hair slowly :)

While you're falling back in love with yourself, make a few little moves towards falling back in love with your husband. How often do you look each other in the eyes, while talking these days? What do you really love about his body - his wrists, the curve of his neck, his laugh? Pay attention. I bet you did this when you were first going out with him - how have his wrists, neck, laugh changed since then? Have the flecks in his eyes changed colour? Learn him all over again. Go back to little touches when you talk, and checking for feedback instead of assuming. Again, as you did when you were dating, bring something fresh to each encounter - doesn't have to be huge, you may have a funny story to tell from your day, or put on a DVD of a film you both love, or suggest going to something together like an exhibition, a play or a gig. Or ask him to cook if he doesn't usually. Or make him dance with you.

I hope you'll enjoy it all!

Sorry, I don't qualify according to your thread title
Hoing some who do qualify will post their opinions!

Thanks for all these comments. And sorry Grace I didn't mean for it to be an exclusive request for comment, I am touched that you wrote such a long and very helpful post :)

I get the points about needing to move back into role of lover again, rather than mother/wife/cleaner/cook/bottlewasher. Me as a lover died a few years ago and was only re-awakened by this ex-BF. I am (sort of) glad that happened as I had fallen into such a deep rut and no, my H was not happy with it, despite being kept ticking along by me trying to do my best for him. But it is nowhere near good enough a sex life for either of us.

I love the idea grace of falling back in love with myself first then my H and bringing more touch into my life. I have a spa voucher from a friend so might try a few things with that.

The suggestion of erotic literature is great - thanks minipie for the link! Also resurrecting some of the things we used to do together pre-kids like - we used to smoochy-dance around the kitchen with leonard cohen on CD and spend hours lying on our bed, stroking and talking and just hanging out. So I'm going to do more things like that.

Malif - I have thought about your comment a lot and I can imagine myself saying that as part of a 'trying to be more intimate' thing. I don't want to further reject my H but it resonates with me that I might be a bit resentful of him not making enough effort. I think I have made him lazy in a way, and he now accepts BJs as part of what I do, like cooking sunday lunch and taking the bins out is part of what he does.

I'm just wondering WWIFN if you read back over this - do you think one can bury a previous infidelity and move on from it without ever being honest about it? It really was something and nothing, and my fear over admitting it, is that it blows it out of proportion. Once I've said it, it will hang over us for ever. I never ever intend to make the same stupid mistake again so I'm kind of hoping I can learn from it without it having to harm intimacy between us.

WOS, do you fear your husband's reaction if you were to tell him about your encounter with an ex? If it really was something and nothing why do you not want to be honest with him? ( It's Mal btw, I fancied a namechange).
You don't say how old your kids are but it really does get much easier when they are teenagers and out doing their own thing , nice Saturday afternoons when they have gone into town etc. Or send them off swimming on a Sunday morning.

You can start to build intimacy back into your life fairly easily, a snog while you're doing the dishes, a bit of a grope while going uspstairs, have a bath/shower together, it just takes a tiny bit of effort, look and listen to one another intently, I love to watch my DH get dressed in the morning and I could easily drag him back into bed - not bad for 25 years married, we wash each other in the bath and take every opportunity to have a kiss and cuddle.

The difference is that he doesn't expect to be sexually serviced by me.

Thanks - I do fear his reaction because I lied. He knows that I feel very strongly about honesty, with kids and each other so he would feel very let down about me lying. And the deceit was not just about the coffee but about the subsequent few days of texting. Yes he would be really upset. And justifiably so.

I don't think he does expect regular BJs or if he does it is me that has set up that expectation. When my libido was very low I felt it was a kind/loving thing to do for him so his needs were still being met and mine were in the sense that I had no desire to join in. I didn't think it would go on for years.

I agree that intimacy should be fairly easy to get back in. SOmething really will be wrong in the whole relationship if we can't start sharing baths again and dancing together in the kitchen.

25 Yrs of that level of love and attraction is massive! Did you ever go through blips in that time? Or phases of less interest?

I think the kids thing is a big part of my problem. I was a late starter so an older mum than many and have a 10 and a 5 yr old. The little guy is really mummied up very cuddly holds hands all time snuggles into me after school. He comes into our bed any time from 3/4am onwards. We start the day proper with him at 6 and finish with older guy going to bed at 830. I think I can feel all touched out. I threw myself into role of mummy like I had thrown myself into every other role in my life - with passion, commitment and high expectations of myself. I find it hard to slack off from that now.

Thankfully I still love looking at my H so I understand that feeling of watching your H get dressed. I adore my Hs butt, all firm and chunky. He is a big guy with broad shoulders and gorgeous strong forearms. I kissed him properly last night first time in ages and I thought how much I loved the smell of him. There is hope I'm sure!

Of course there were blips, sex does fade a bit when you are raising children and career building, we've both had periods of lower libido, it was particlarly bad when he was working away from home regularly, we just lost us for a while - that's only to be expected in a lifelong relationship.

Of course there is hope for you - scent is a powerful sexual trigger, I could lie and sniff my DH forever and the way he snuggles up behind me on waking just makes me feel complete.

That is a lovely sentiment mindfreakette, it sounds like you are both very lucky indeed to have each other.

Things are improving for us, we went out last night to a concert and ended up staying out late, which I rarely do now over worries about cost of babysitting and the early morning starts.

I just thought to hang with all that worry, our marriage is worth the extra expense and right now we NEED something special to kick start things. Despite being too tired and drunk last night for sex or even a BJ, my H still snuck out of bed this morning to see to the boys as soon as they woke and left me having a lie in till 11ish. He can be lovely and that sort of help certainly makes me feel positively disposed towards him!