Can't get rid of OW!!

[itsallmadness]

My life seems to be in one big emotional turmoil.

OW has done everything in her power to destroy my marriage, my friendships and my family. Having fought her off and stayed with DH for the past two years (after a 3 year affair) she just keeps re-appearing. I have posted here before and had great advice. And before any one says it, i know my DH is to blame as well.

I've asked my DH to move out but he hasn't and he basically thinks i'll just carry on as normal. I know its my fault but I just don't have the courage to call a solicitor and I keep thinking about the damage it would cause the DCs. I wish he would have some respect and move out. I cry about what he has done to destroy our marriage every day but he keeps telling me he loves me and wont leave me and that he doesn't love OW.

As for OW, she used to be a friend, who got to know many of my long-standing friends. Some of them turned out not to be friends and I have stopped seeing them simply because I couldn't handle the fact that they chose her over me, even when they knew what she had done. She has lied her way in their lives and the believed everything she said.

I do use FB to keep in touch with friends and relatives. I used to be a very social person with loads of friends. But OW seems to keep cropping up. She has been making friends with people I know on FB and putting comments on their pages because she knows I will see them. These friends don't know that she was having an affair with my DH. I could close my account but I don't see why I should but what also hurts is that these other friends don't know what she has done and I wish I could scream it out to everyone and tell them what a b*ch she has been. I also want to cut off everyone I know that has anything to do with her, just for my sanity. Am I being over-sensitive? I can't even tell these friends what she has done as I don't want my private affairs made public. I feel so confused and hurt. I hate OW for everything she has done and continues to do.

If the OW used to be a friend and you had mutual friends together anyway then her being on facebook with some of these isn't that surprising and probably has nothing to do with you.
If your husband is still having an affair with her/ in contact with her then you decide whether or not to end the marriage. The house will probably have to be sold in that case.
If the affair is over and she just continues to have some of the same friends as you there's not alot you can do. You could tell your friends of the situation hoping they won't see her again and will block her on facebook, or you could stop using facebook.

You can't force her to move away and stop trying to be friends with people she likes though.

Oh dear... of course I don't know what's going on from the brief snapshot of your life on here, but it reads as if - you will forgive me being a little forthright - you are being very passive. You're hoping everyone is going to do the right thing, rather than making them do it. Maybe you've run out of emotional energy after the long slog of getting your DH back from the affair - although from what you say, it isn't as over as it ought to be. Maybe they're not sleeping together any more but you imply she's still in your lives because he's not doing enough to keep her out. What do you think he should be doing that he isn't already? Why do you want him to move out now, after you fought so hard to keep him? And why do you think you throwing him out would be more damaging to the DCs than him taking himself away voluntarily? Haven't they lost a live-in father either way? These things need thought.

Basically I think, hard though it is, you need to stop being so passive and start taking control. For example, I am a great advocate of getting legal advice so you know what your options are. It does not have to lead to a divorce. It will, however, allow you to negotiate from a position of strength.

I also feel fairly strongly that you could do with a visit to your GP, as you sound worn out by the whole thing and a course of counselling could be very helpful (and perhaps ADs, but don't let him force them down you if you aren't comfortable about taking mood medicine).

You need to work out what you want out of your life, going forward, and then find out how to get it. At the moment everyone else is doing things to you, making decisions over your head, imposing their choices. OK, DH says he loves you and wants to live with you, but do you love him and want to live with him? (I'm guessing you aren't sure about this at the moment, and no wonder.) As you say, it's about respect. Respect should be the default setting between adults, especially life partners, but sometimes you have to fight to reclaim it. If you go on being a doormat, people will go on wiping their feet on you. Bite the buggers in the ankles, I say!

I know what you mean OP.. it feels as though she's doing it deliberately to wind you up.

We had similar but it only (!) took 7 months to get rid of the OW in our case.

I don't know what to suggest but have a big hug, lots of chocolate and a glass of wine on me. I know how miserable and frustrating it is, it's like she keeps picking the scab off and re-opening the wound each time.

If you block her on FB then you won't see what she writes and she won't be able to see you either. That might help.. unless you're like me and want to keep an eye on her.

I think really if you want to keep your friends then you will have to tell them what happened and let them hopefully do the right thing and dump her.

I completely agree with Annie. It is all whirling around in your head 24 hours a day and hammering your self-esteem and decision making ability. You need a wholly objective perspective to show you that you can be in a strong position, that you do have leverage, that if bad things happen you will not be to blame, and that seizing control and leading events will lead to huge improvements for you and the children.

At the moment she and your dh are leading all events. You need to change that.

I would tell people what she has done. You don't have to go into it. Just take your closest old friend aside, or call, and tell them. Explain why you can't have anything to do with this woman, and ask her to tell others. It's the only way, or it will eat you up forever.

2rebecca: these are not mutual friends: they are op's oldest friends who the ow has got to know and is lying to. It must feel like a great loss.

Legal advice, find a friend to explain the situation to, check out the finances, go to the CAB. I would not go for counselling because that turns the problem into YOU. The basic problem isn't you, it's them.

But I'm rubbish at appreciating how counselling can help so I might be wrong about that.

If it was me I would kick him out and publicise the affair with a megaphone. Obviously that's not an option for you with your more restrained approach but you should know that quite frankly they both deserve it.

Tossers.

I agree with everything Annie said

You sound tired and out of any ability to take control. But you must

Go and see a solicitor, if for no other reason than to get someone who is entirely impartial and batting for you.

I would stop asking him to leabe and insist.

I understand your concern about your children. But I thoink children need to see their parents living positive happy lives. Otherwise how else do they know how to do that, be that?
I decided that it was not a giftto my children to be miserable and passive about what life threw at me.
We have had shit to deal with but I get to decide how I deal with it.

I know that is easier said than done but I am trying to say that you are not protecting/defending your children when you let him make all the decisions. It is a bad example to them.

Decide what you want. Stop focussing on what OW is doing and stop waiting to see what your DH does.

Oh and before you start questioning yourself: am I right? Could she be posting innocently on facebook? Does he really respect me and that's why he wants to stay?

Go with your gut. Sorry but they are both being bloody ghastly. You are not wrong. Don't doubt yourself.

To me it sounded as though the OW got to know some of the friends when she and the poster were friends. If they mix in a similar circle it's not surprising they have some of the same friends and the OW making friends with some people the OP knows may have nothing to do with the OP.
If these people are really friends then the OP should tell them, if they are just acquaintances she doesn't wish to discuss her private life with then does it matter if the OW occasionally pastes facebook stuff on their pages?
I agree it would be preferable for her to move to Oz and have no further contact with the OP's circle, but that is unlikely to happen.
Blocking her on facebook, telling real friends what happened and deciding whether or not to stay in the marriage are needed. Not hoping the OW will just vanish.

I would close your FB account personally. Whatever is going on with your DH, FB is just effectively opening the wound up over and over again.

I would also do some serious chopping out of people in your life as well. If you actually have to scream at someone what a bitch the OW has been, then that person is pretty insensitive and stupid - time to cut them out. Keep a small core of people who fully support you - what do you want to be in contact with them for if they aren't a positive influence in your life?

As for your DH - can't really understand what's going on with him. If he is to stay with you etc then he should cut contact with OW permanently.

Are you the OP whose H is still having an affair with OW and has told you that he intends to set up home with her and support her DCs "when the time is right"? The OW whose DP doesn't know the half of it?

Regardless, please see that this ghastly situation cannot go on without some actions by you. You sound in such a bad place OP and as though the last few miserable years have affected your mental health. This can't go on.

Thank you all for your help.

I do feel mentally exhausted, although you would never be able to tell if you saw me.

DH has broken his promise of no contact for the second time and each time made his excuses. I am not buying them, he says he was wrong and he doesn't want to be with her. I do believe he can't face up to the fact he will not be living as a family. DC adore him, we have a big family and in our culture divorce/separation is just not accepted. I do really want him out of my life for having lied and cheated to me over and over but I guess i am also scared of the consequences. The kids education, loneliness and of course financial implications.

As I said I know what I have to do and I guess I have to be more assertive, less passive but I just can't find it in me to do this.

As for OW, she knows exactly what she is doing, there is no need to post messages on FB other than to let me know she is in contact with people who are my friends. She could text, send the message privately but she has posted them for a reason. You see people like her in films and think they are not real but she is the most manipulative woman you would ever meet.

Feel the fear and do it anyway itsallmadness!

he has given his word and broken it twice. he wants to be a family, but only because he is worried about his reputation suffering. Well bully for him, if he cared that much, he'd have kept it in his pants.... and kept his promises. Make sure that he pays enough to maintain you and the DC in their education, get him to sign over the house if poss.

If in your culture divorce/separation is not accepted, I daresay chasing after a married man isn't particularly well looked at either, so if you have to tell someone who is blindly supporting her why you can't accept that, so be it. YOU did nothing wrong.

Cut FB from your life, stay in touch ONLY with those that are your number one fans, ditch, literally all the others. You can reopen it later with a new account when it is all done and dusted if you like.

This is the time to be brave, to show your DC how women/wives/mothers need to be treated.

You have given it your best shot, he didn't. Whatever happens, if you kick him out for what he has done, your family, the DC will look at you in admiration of your strength, and bravery. If you put up with this, think of the long term damage the situation will do to them, a mother desperately unhappy, but trapped, powerless to get out. That's not going to help you be the brilliant mum you are capable of being is it?

Sure it'll be down to you longer term to provide for your family, and he will have to be financially responsible, but you can and will do it.

Make it clear to anyone and everyone that the ex friend is a OW and will stop at nothing to steal bits of your life, and you are having none of it. If she wants to make her little points on FB, then let her. You need to have nothing to do with it.

Remember, cream always rises to the top!

Where are you, can anyone on here be of any help? Do you have any close RL friends to come with you to solicitors etc? Use whoever and whatever you need to, to get this situation resolved. You deserve better, your DC deserve better.

You don't have a problem with the other woman, you have a problem with your husband. You either need to accept he will treat you like this in the long term (and I would imagine things will get worse as he realises you will let yourself be treated in this way)or you need to take action. It's your choice. Of course, if you split up it will be hard and probably impact on your lifestyle, future and - most importantly - your children. But, from what you say, you may just be postponing the pain as he may leave you when the children are older anyway.

God I really think you need to secretly get legal advice, secretly squirrel away money, secretly work on your confidence to lull him into even more of a sense of security, then chuck him out and throw the book at him and reveal why to all and sundry, thus chucking her in the shit also.

He (and she) sound very callous and likely to attempt to stymie you at every turn should you ever show signs of standing up for yourself. Play your cards close then hammer him.

WWIFN - don't think I am the post you are thinking of, although I have posted before but under a different name - for some reason I keep thinking my DH may log and read this!! OMG sounds like I'm scared!

Appletrees, thanks for your post. I have been to RELATE in the past, both with and without DH. At the time the counsellor completely understood the reasons I couldn't leave (when I went on my own) due to other family issues occurring at the time. When we did joint counselling I was hoping the counsellor would be able to unlock DH's real reasons for his affair and all his actions after but this never happened, so I feel counselling just didn't help.

LittlemissHF and everyone, thank you for the positive support, just what I need to put me back on track and not question myself.

I know DH has betrayed me but he has also worked hard to provide for the DC's and me. He has never questioned me about money (I am a STAHM), helped my family, almost like their own son and carries a huge amount of respect from the community. I don't want to take everything from him or fight him legally for maintenance. I don't want it to end up bitter. I was hoping he would understand he has done something wrong, move out and give me some space. I thought he would respect my wishes but clearly he doesn't respect me at all. Someone mentioned ' doormat' and that hit the nail on the head. I don't want to be that doormat.

BTW I do have a problem with OW too, I just can't get over what she has done and is capable of doing (not just FB stuff). She entered my life and I thought she was a friend, she managed to get to know all my DH's family
and our friends, we all went on holidays together. So the shock was huge, especially as she showed no remorse. I can't believe that someone would be capable of doing this much harm and continues to do so.

Oh yeah OW is a vampire all right... Isolate yourself and your family from her, bin all those who maintain contact with her, be explicit why you are doing so.

Then get out and stay out of this mess.

You are NOT going to be a DOORMAT, OK?

Rise above them all, hold your head high and toss your hair. They are not worth a bean, any or either of them.

Go and see a solicitor, work out what you are entitled to, tell him what you and your family will need him to pay for and look into ways where you can be more self sufficient, when the time is right.

Be strong, we are all here, rooting for you!

Madness, he took the soul out of your marriage and stamped on it. And you are giving him special consideration because he gives you money (buys your silence) and smarms up to your unsuspecting family, all while treating you like dirt???

I am so sorry, but this man's arrogance is ridiculous. He really does need to be exposed for the lying charlatan that he is. Did he consider your feelings when he was messing about with the OW? No. So why are you so generous to him? He doesn't deserve a bit of it.

Please get angry and tell those who have failed you how things are going to be rather than hoping for the best. They have no inherent decency, which is why they abused you. Interms of money, your H has a legal obligation to provide for the children, don't you forget it. As for that malignant (insert expletive) of an OW, words fail me. You are fighting for a marriage that is destroying your mental health.

Madness
I am a SAHM but that does not mean I 'owe' my DH anything more than he 'owes' me.
We are a family. He goes out and works, I stay at home and care for the home and for OUR children.
Of course we help my parents/family. Justthe same as we help his.

You are massively misunderstanding how a family is supposed to function.

Hi - resonates with me as am also in a posision where OW is still around, because she is a member of the sports club where we spend a lot of time, and is friends of friends. I posted last year because I found out thru a message on facebook from her husband that she was having an affair with mine. I was totally shocked, tho' not actauly suprised as i was aware she was hanging around DH and our marraige was in a dire state anyway. Thanks to a very supportive group of MN who posted on my thread, I got thru it, dh finished with the OW, we have revived our marriage and it is better than it ever was before, because it shocked us both into realising we wanted to be together when we risked losing it. In our case I did accept some blame, and we positively worked on making thisngs good for each otehr. So, so far, so good, but the OW is still around! I can't say I like it, but have turned the tables back on her. They have no contact, but we do see her around at the club, where as a family we go a lot. I rarely went before, now am really enjoying it, so often go without DH and the kids.
So - to my revenge...
OW hates it!! She hates that I am around, happy (not ridiculously, articifically, but just basically happy, smiley) friendly with her friends (I didn't know 'em before - have deliberately cultivated them to annoy her.) On FB which I didn't use much before I am freinds with her friends so she is aware that I innocently put in stuff about our family activities and things dH & I do, cosy, low key stuff. Also, drip drip inviting her friends (and they do me) just to keep me in her mind
When she sees me she seems to stiffen and look nervous. DH did not tell her I know about the affair, but I expcet her ex dh did, so she is unsure how much/whether I know - sometimes when she sees me unexpectedly she looks annoyed - and i wonder if she is thinking she could tell me one day and wipe the smile off my face - i am fully prepared for if/when she does that with a calm, amused response
So you could turn the tables on her.
OP - Sorry this is long-winded, but - he is back with you, and she is one left out.

Wozzzzzzz, hi and thanks for your response. Just a quick question, if your DH contacted OW again, even only texting, would you still have him back, even if he claimed you were the one and he only contacted OW because she was pestering him?

1 text message would not be the end of a marriage for me if I loved the bloke and wanted to make the marriage work. Men can be a bit pathetic and weak willed, look at the bashings MILs get when FILs go along with it "for an easy life".
I would make clear that I wished him to block her number (never tried this but it sounds as though you can do this on all mobiles if you contact provider for instructions) and have no further contact at all.

2rebecca, this would be texting after the affair was revealed and a promise was made to make no contact by DH. What if this promise was broken?

OP- Dp and I split up briefly about 9 yrs ago, and during that time (and I'm under no illusions it was probably before we actually split btw) he started seeing someone who wormed her way into my life, (I had no idea he was seeing her but she knew who I was, came and tried to get a job at the same language school I was working at, moved into my flat when I left it, all kinds of Glenn Close weirdness by the end) but at no stage did I blame her (apart from her turning into a stalker when he and I got back together and he ditched her) I blamed him. He was the one already in a relationship, not her. She's probably no saint, who is? But your husband is not worthy of the pain he's causing you and continues to do so. Closing your FB account isn't going to stop all this, is it?

Do you actually believe it's over?

Pag is right as well. I am also, for 8 mths of the year a SAHM. That does not give my partner the right to get his rocks off with anyone else and expect me to suck it up because he puts bread on the table and clothes on my back.

I still wouldn't split up over 1 text message. If I thought he was still in regular contact with him, or if I didn't trust him and wanted to end the marriage anyway then that's different.
You say you do really want him out of your life and in that case I think the text message is irrelevent.
If you no longer wish to be married to this man, and marriage is basically a voluntary agreement between 2 people to stay together for as long as they are happy together (unless you are religious and wanted to vow to stay with your spouse until death) then seek legal advice.

Wozzzz and 2rebecca: Most posts advise that I should leave my DH. You both have tried to make your marriages work. I forgave dh when I first found out but now i just don't know if I want a divorce but I can't accept what he has done. I keep thinking that asking for a divorce may be the biggest mistake I ever make. BTW it wasn't one text, it was loads of calls/texts but not much physical contact and as explained in an earlier post, I couldn't leave him then and he promised never to contact OW again There was no contact, I believe, until I recently found out he had met up with her, to tell her to stop chasing him (apparently) and to tell her that he didn't want to be with her. She has moved (OW is also married and her DH knows everything) away so physical contact is now impossible.

I really don't want to destroy my family or hurt my children but I can't carry on with the deceit. Some people reading this may think i'm mad to even consider staying, whilst others may think I should believe him. I just don't know what is true anymore. He says he loves me and what if it's true? What if he never contacts OW again? Will I be destroying everything for nothing? Can I stay with him and eventually get over his lies?

I know I sound pathetic but these are just some of the thoughts which constantly occupy my mind.

your thoughts and feelings are not "nothing"

he trashed your marriage in the most horrile way...that is not "nothing"

listen to your heart, and to your gut

if it is telling you that you cannot forgive him, and will never trust him again, then there is no shame in walking away

you cannot be blamed...he did this to you

why do you feel obliged to try so hard to brush his selfishness under the carpet...would he do the same for you ?

do you feel it is a woman's role to "forgive" and the man's to "be forgiven"

you do what you feel is right for you

and if that means telling him to sling his hook for good, so be it