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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

dad's cry for help

36 replies

mike1May · 21/09/2010 21:46

Please help. My first post here and I don't know where to turn.

My wife has suffered post natal depression (medically diagnosed). Our daughter is now 3 and she still suffers. She has refused counselling and medication (honestly, I've tried to talk her round).
While suffering she has been calling Health Visitors up to twenty times per day while I'm in work and making emotional rants.
During these rants, she has accused my of being a drunken, bullying tyrant. The Health Visitors are aware of my wife's condition, however they say that they can't ignore these accusations.
The Health Visitors have now said that I should be chaperoned at all times with my daughter. They have also encouraged my wife to get away from what they term an abusive environment; she has left (temporarily to get the health visitors off our backs). She calls me and regrets the 'mess' she has created.

We're in a mess. My wife regrets her actions, the health visitors and doctors acknowledge that I'm being treated appallingly, yet they are unable to discount accusations made, even when they know that they have no foundation.
Our daughter is thriving - the one good thing to come out of this.

What can I do?
I feel the whole system is taking my wife and daughter away from me and, though I know I don't need to stress this, I've been nothing but a loving supporting husband during a very difficult time for my wife.

Any advice would be most welcome.

Thank you.

Mike.

OP posts:

DinahRod · 21/09/2010 21:51

HVs don't have those powers afaik - presumably higher agencies - SS - are involved?

Original poster

mike1May · 21/09/2010 21:54

Social services are not involved. Our health visitor is bullying and threatens to bring them in if we don't follow her 'recommendations'.
What can I do?

OP posts:

Dione · 21/09/2010 22:05

The system is not taking your wife and child away from you but your wife's illness is. This is going to sound harsh but if your wife is not willing to follow the advice of counselling/medication then you have a tough decision ahead of you: continue to put up with this situation indefinately or separate, taking your daughter with you. You say that your daughter is thriving and she may well be, but do not be fooled, this is effecting her deeply.

She may regret the mess she has made, but what is she doing to put it right? Admitting you have a mental health problem is admirable and hard, but that does not mean that your responsibility ends and that it is up to everyone else to heal you and make it right. I am truly sorry that you are in this situation but as you are the healthy adult in this situation you have to make the hard decisions here. Do you have custody of your child while she is away?

ReigateMum · 21/09/2010 22:06

Is there any background to your wife's accusations, i.e. have you ever had drunken episodes during which she may have felt/threatened or vulnerable?
Or is it REALLY all complete fabrication on er part?

(Not accusing you of lying by the way - it's just not clear from your post).

If your wife regrets her actions, but still suffers from PMT, can you & her go to talk to your GP for help (perhaps medication/counselling for her)?

I'm sorry, but from the limited info you've posted, the real situations sounds a bit unclear?

BertieBotts · 21/09/2010 22:08

She calls you a drunken bullying tyrant? Well, is this all lies, or does it have any basis in fact? Do you drink, for example?

I'm just interested to know if she is making it up or whether it's an exaggeration.

mike1May · 21/09/2010 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

malinkey · 21/09/2010 22:14

Mike can you delete your message? Don't think you should name anyone on here.

Original poster

mike1May · 21/09/2010 22:19

My wife and I have been together 16 years. In that time I have been drunk maybe 20 times, I admit that. My wife is teetotal, has never been drunk in her life, and I think overexaggerates the effect of my drinking. Maybe others will feel differently.

Regarding speaking to the GP. I persuaded the GP to come to our house as my wife refused to see him. My wife accused me of conspiring behind her back and ordered the GP out of our house. The GP then said that there were ethical and legal reasons why he could not treat someone without consent, so that felt like a dead end.
Another dead end.

OP posts:

Original poster

mike1May · 21/09/2010 22:21

Sorry about the name but I don't know how to delete the message.

OP posts:

malinkey · 21/09/2010 22:23

I think you click on report on the message in question.

Dione · 21/09/2010 22:35

I am not saying that you need to take your daughter away from your wife permanently or all the time (it is important for your child and your wife to have contact). I am saying that this is not a healthy situation for any of you. If it continues your mental health and ability to work (and parent) will suffer. Your daughter will grow up thinking that this is normal and in constant fear of one or both of you leaving (believing that it is her fault) and your wife will still not get better.

From what you have said your wife is suffering from extreme postnatal depression and this will not improve without something changing. As someone wiser than me said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result" and unfortunately you need to be the one who makes the change. It need not be permanent, but the situation needs to change and soon.

I am sorry, but you seem to have been let down by the statutory agencies. Can you get some counselling for yourself that may help you deal with what you are going through?

malinkey · 21/09/2010 22:41

Do your wife's parents/siblings/friends know what is going on? Have any of them voiced concern for her? Can you speak to any of them for support?

TheCrackFox · 21/09/2010 22:42

You sound like you are in a real pickle.

FWIW you mention that you have been drunk 20times over the course of your relationship. Have you thought about becoming tee-total for a while until the HV is satisfied?

Have you and your wife thought about going to Relate? You wife may have PND but not all of her behaviour can be attributed to that.

Ineedacoffee · 21/09/2010 22:42

it sounds like your health visitor is over-reaching. she does not have the power to separate you and your daughter (or wife). ask to speak to her boss and get a second opinion. i also really think you need to get legal advice sorry. ideally with your wife's cooperation but without it if necessary.

Original poster

mike1May · 21/09/2010 22:47

I'd never considered counselling for me. Maybe I should have.
Basically, I think the questions I'm fundamentaly asking are - how do I get my old wife back (the one who even now is occasionally lucid and calm)? How do I get the system to support this aim? How do you help someone who doesn't want to be helped?
Sorry for waffling.

OP posts:

DinahRod · 21/09/2010 22:51

Often the way of MN threads like this - there have been a few - is that MNers ask a few questions, decide, rightly or wrongly, you are a "drunken bullying tyrant" and you get short shrift - so be warned.

My advice, fwiw, would be to instruct a lawyer specialising in family law to protect your interests so if you have got a maverick HV that everything is done by the book, they might even suggest social workers become involved in order to get push a timetable re access to dd.

maktaitai · 21/09/2010 22:53

This sounds horrendous, I'm so sorry.

My husband has mental health problems and in the mercifully short times when things have been bad I have had good help from Rethink (google it + your nearest town). Ring them asap - you desperately need some advice from people who know what it is like to live with and love someone in this state.

I'd also ask, do you have a good relationship with your parents and your inlaws? Has your wife had trouble with her mental health in the past at all? I wouldn't go in mob-handed getting them involved, but think maybe whether confiding in some sympathetic relatives may help?

I wish you all the best - you sound loyal and you absolutely do not deserve to be suffering like this.

Original poster

mike1May · 21/09/2010 22:55

My wife's mother can no longer cope - she herself is on medication and seeing a counsellor because of it. As my wife has been calling the health visitors 20 times a day, she has also been calling her mother a similar amount. All of our friends and family are gone. They've had enough.
I've mentioned Relate - same as counselling, no-go.
I've also given up drinking altogether but that has not worked. The hysterics just get directed at other things - daft things, like buying Pepsi and not Coke!
I feel like I'm on my own, turning to mumsnet is a sign of my desparation (no offence intended).

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 21/09/2010 22:58

Can you get support from your in-laws? Can they do anyting to help your wife?

maktaitai · 21/09/2010 22:58

Here's the Rethink page with a link to their 'Getting help with a crisis' factsheet (free PDF download). I haven't looked at all of it, but I think your wife's GP was quite wrong in their approach; I think your next step could be to contact your local community mental health team and ask if you can get a CPN to visit, or whether there is a local mental health crisis team who can help.

HTH

DinahRod · 21/09/2010 23:02

Don't think you can 'get' your old wife back, but ensure she has access to the right mental health support so that she is able to make that decision for herself.

You should be aware that it's common for abusive men to claim their wives are irrational and insane, esp with regards to custody, something SS are v familiar with, so they will proceed with caution.

QS · 21/09/2010 23:03

Your wife seem to have serious mental health problems, and your family suffers as a result. How can you protect your daughter?

In my very unprofessional opinion, you have to do your utmost to ensure that you protect your child and take her side. This might mean taking your daughter out of the current family situation, because as somebody else have said, this will affect her.

You need to help your child before you help your wife.

If your wife is refusing medication, and she is refusing councelling, there is little else you can do but leave, for a while, while your wife gets better.

Do you think, if you stand by your wife, and let your child live in this environment, and the social services become involved, they might decide to remove your daughter from your family to protect her, if they regard you unable to do so?

When I was suffering from pnd (and believe me I have ranted down the phone to my gp, the hv, etc) my husband told me "unless you get help, I will take our children and leave, because they cannot live like this. You are unfit to mother them at the moment".
I "pulled myself together" then, and admitted I needed help. Possibly the best thing he could have said to me, to realize just how serious it could have been.

Dione · 21/09/2010 23:07

You are in a horrible situation, but you are not on your own. All over the country people are in the unfortunate position of dealing with mental health breakdown following the birth of a child. Men and women. There comes a point where your mental health and that of your child is sacrificed because of your wifes wants. I don't say needs because what she needs is the medication/therapy that she is refusing.

I don't know what else to say except seek some counselling yourself and feel free to post your concerns here (being a man and all you may get a rougher ride). I'll listen and so will others.

DinahRod · 21/09/2010 23:07

sorry, reread my last para which might be misconstrued, am not suggesting that of you

But,seriously, get legal representation

Original poster

mike1May · 21/09/2010 23:12

QUOTE
Do you think, if you stand by your wife, and let your child live in this environment, and the social services become involved, they might decide to remove your daughter from your family to protect her, if they regard you unable to do so?
UNQUOTE

I have nightmares about this.
I just can't take my daughter away from my wife though.

OP posts:

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