dad's cry for help

[mike1May]

Please help. My first post here and I don't know where to turn.

My wife has suffered post natal depression (medically diagnosed). Our daughter is now 3 and she still suffers. She has refused counselling and medication (honestly, I've tried to talk her round).
While suffering she has been calling Health Visitors up to twenty times per day while I'm in work and making emotional rants.
During these rants, she has accused my of being a drunken, bullying tyrant. The Health Visitors are aware of my wife's condition, however they say that they can't ignore these accusations.
The Health Visitors have now said that I should be chaperoned at all times with my daughter. They have also encouraged my wife to get away from what they term an abusive environment; she has left (temporarily to get the health visitors off our backs). She calls me and regrets the 'mess' she has created.

We're in a mess. My wife regrets her actions, the health visitors and doctors acknowledge that I'm being treated appallingly, yet they are unable to discount accusations made, even when they know that they have no foundation.
Our daughter is thriving - the one good thing to come out of this.

What can I do?
I feel the whole system is taking my wife and daughter away from me and, though I know I don't need to stress this, I've been nothing but a loving supporting husband during a very difficult time for my wife.

Any advice would be most welcome.

Thank you.

Mike.

So sorry to hear about this Mike, and it sounds like your wife's PMT is escalating into a more serious condition the longer she goes without meds.

In her more lucid moments, can you talk about visiting the GP? Reading between the lines, it also sounds as though she's occasionally aware of just how odd her thinking and behaviour is and it terrifies her - to the point where she wants to hide away from any doctor or professional.

Your HV cannot make decisions or recommendations like she is making. Speak to her boss or get mental health services involved to get some better perspective and some REAL support with recommendations from someone who knows what they are doing.

If you can't get your wife to see someone, it's difficult to see how this situation will change. The last thing you want is for her to become so ill that you have to get her sectioned.

PND, not PMT - sorry

where is your wife and adughter lviing? with who?

you seem to be keen to collude in evading professionals "get the health visitors off our backs".

what you do need is a profressional on YOUR side.go to your Gp, tell them everything and the strain on you. express your concerns.

yes she can refuse treatment but as was said, maybe you do have to take drastic action eg tke the child away from her temporarily - til she agrees to get help...

My gps surgery sent the councils mental health crisis team out to talk to me and assess me. Nothing I could do about that, they ordered it, and they were with me the next day. My hv popped by daily just to chat, until I had a proper offer of councelling. She was lovely. She was really helping our family, by helping me.

I understand taking your daughter away is inconceivable. But I think you need to talk to the gp yourself, ask what your options are when you want help for your wife to get better, help for your family. Tell him you are concerned about both your wife, and also the effects this has on your daughter. Ask his advice.

Who is looking after your daughter now?

I seem to have crossposted with cestlavie below. I wrote my post, and got sidetracked googling postpartum psychosis symptons. You mention hysterics and lucid moments. I get the sense that what you are dealing with is something different than "just" pnd?

Do you think you possibly recognize your wife in any of this ? More here

Please dont be alarmed by the above. I am no mental health professional, and have of course not attempted to "diagnose" your wife. Just a thought for you to consider, though.

Some of the things you say don't really make sense to me.

Your wife has PND yet your 3 year old is thriving.

You are not allowed unsupervised access (have you split up?)

Being drunk 20 times is a lot!

Who looks after your daughter on a day to day basis? Does she attend pre-school care/ nursery school?

Lady, at no time did OP say he was not allowed unsupervised access (unless I've missed something) and I don't think being drunk 20 times in 16 years is excessive. As for his comment about his 3yo thriving, he has not qualified this (could just mean physically and intellectually). Also children growing up with a parent with mental health problem tend to be very emotionally mature (because they have to be). It is also the case that if you love a partner who may also be a damaging parent you tend to play down the effects on children.

If you have questions to ask of the OP by all means ask them but I think you're being a bit mean cos he's a man.

Dione, yes, he did:

"The Health Visitors have now said that I should be chaperoned at all times with my daughter." in OP.

I don't think HV's have the authority to offer that as anything other than an observation.

OP has said elsewhere that: "Social services are not involved. Our health visitor is bullying and threatens to bring them in if we don't follow her 'recommendations'.
What can I do?"

Which implies he is following this recommendation.

I agree with Lady Lapsang that I don't quite understand this, and with the earlier posters who have suggested that in a situation such as this, contact with the HV's manager would be appropriate.

Being drunk 20 times in 16 years is not a lot, just over once a year.

It may be that getting Social Services involved would possibly be a good thing? If the HV isn't helpful, you need professionals who can help.

Also the OP says he has give up drink all together now which is a good step, though I wonder how long this has been the case for?

OP you say "I think overexaggerates the effect of my drinking. Maybe others will feel differently." Even if you have only been drunk a few times, is there anything about your behaviour while drunk that could be causing your wife a large amount of distress? You say you think she over-exaggerates the effect of your drinking but is it at all possible that your past behaviour has been distressing for her in some way?

Mike, can you put things in context...

when you say Drunk (20 times in 16 years) what does this mean...? Drunk as in laughing with friends and family, dancing, singing and giggling? Or does it mean Drunk as in moody, swearing, smashing things, getting into fights, threatening someone?

Am not trying to stir you up it's just that you haven't said.

The situation sounds awful.