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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has just walked out the door saying he's going to kill himself

43 replies

Confuzzeled · 21/09/2010 12:58

I don't even know if I should believe him. He's said it before a few times and I don't know how many times I can take the emotional torture.

He threw his house keys in the door as he left.

I feel sick and don't know what to do. I can't cry in front of my kids.

OP posts:
miniwedge · 21/09/2010 13:00

Have you just had a row?
Is he clinically depressed or is he normally prone to dramatic statements?

What's going on in general at the moment?

nbyet · 21/09/2010 13:02

Maybe you should call the police?

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 21/09/2010 13:02

I think you need to call the police Confuzzeled. Do you have any idea where he's gone?

JustNotThatIntoMe · 21/09/2010 13:03

So sorry you are being put through this.

Call the police. Let them deal with it. He can't keep putting you through this. Your husband needs professional help. What exactly does he want from you by doing this?

Good luck.

veritythebrave · 21/09/2010 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oldraver · 21/09/2010 13:07

Yes call the police. They will hopefully get him the help he needs if he needs it... orit will hopefully pull him up if he is doing it as emotional abuse

Hassled · 21/09/2010 13:09

Another vote here for calling the police. Hope everything's OK.

FakePlasticTrees · 21/09/2010 13:11

call the police. You will never forgive yourself if you don't and he does do something stupid.

If he's got no intention of doing it, then hopefully this will stop him doing it again.

Original poster
Confuzzeled · 21/09/2010 13:13

He's back. Yes we had a row. Yes he's depressed.

Thank you for you replys, I will come and give some background later.

OP posts:
littlemisslost · 21/09/2010 13:16

contact your local mental health crisis team and explain that he has done this and do a self referral for some professional help.

perfumedlife · 21/09/2010 13:18

Sorry you're going through this Confuzzeled. It's harsh being depressed, and just as bad living with a depressive.

Greensleeves · 21/09/2010 13:18

how awful for you Sad

do come back and post about it and let people support you xx

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/09/2010 13:20

Christ. Yes, please do come back, sounds like you need the support. Lots of very wise people on MN (not me)

cestlavielife · 21/09/2010 14:05

call his GP.

or march him there for an appt if you can get one today.

and yes - next time - call 999 and have them pick him up.

where are the children?
how does he have around them?

how long has he been depressed? is he on meds?receiving therapy?
do you have the mental health crisis team number? if not you can ask GP for the number. (tho in my experience they always said "call 999" when it was a crisis...)

it is very hard to do this but you need to be mentally prepared to dial 999 the next time. or local police phone number (look it up now so you have it on your phone) if he is serious - then action can be taken... police or paramedics can pick him up. then take it from there...

if he isnt then you will begin to establish what is real and what isnt, work out your boundaries for his behaviour around you andyour dc.

yes he needs help. but you need support too...

Helium · 22/09/2010 07:36

I would also seek support for yourself too - it must be pretty hard on you if he's like this. Have you got a friend or relative you can speak to?
I'd probably also speak to his parents about it too.

Gumbo · 22/09/2010 10:25

Confuzzeled, did your children hear him say he was going to kill himself? I realise you have an awful lot on your plate, but your priority here needs to be your DC.

From as young as I can remember my father used to go off in his car saying he was going to kill himself. He'd make us say goodbye to him and tell us that we'd never see him again - often just as we were going to school, and I'd spend all day at school not concentrating, just waiting for someone to call me to the office to tell me that my father was dead. It's difficult to put into words how dreadful this was... Sad

Please get help for your DH... but also for yourself and your family.

inmypants · 22/09/2010 10:30

Gumbo, thats appalling for you how awful

Confuzzeled please try and get help for him and for you and your dc

Original poster
Confuzzeled · 22/09/2010 12:00

Okay so I said I'd come back and give some background.

Firstly it's hard to give a full history without blabbing for ages and secondly I DO LOVE my dh and want to stay with him.

We've been together for 12 years. Shortly after we started seeing each other he moved to be nearer to me, he didn't have a job and was really down, he asked me if I ever felt like walking out in front of a bus. I said no but wondered where that had come from, after much talking he confessed that he sometimes wondered if it would be easier if he did just end his life. We were very strong and young then and got through it, he got a job and things settled down.

Everything was going well, he started his own business, we bought our first flat, I graduated from Uni and we got married.

Then about 5 years ago the business started to have some real problems. DH was really down again and he went really inside himself, he didn't mention hurting himself but I was worried about him. I spoke to his brother who brushed me off saying he thought dh was fine. I can't talk to his parents as they have enough problems, MIL is a carer for FIL who is very ill and is slowly getting worse.

We got pregnant with DD and everything improved, it gave dh something to look forward to. He was very supportive when I had PND and even though we argued and the business was hard he was fine.

Then almost 2 years ago he stated to get down again. He was watching these programmes about people jumping off bridges and said how he thought those people were really brave and how they found a sense of peace once they'd decided to do it.

We got pregnant with DS but DH didn't pull out of his down this time. I had PND again and went on AD's straight away as I was aware of the problem. DS slept well for the first few months then he started waking at night. DH and I tried to help each other through the sleep deprivation. He says I'm better at coping with it than he is but I just think I don't have a choice.

We were fighting allot and he brought up suicide a few times. I pushed him into going to the doctor who put him on AD's.

I am struggling to cope with 2 kids that are both up during the night so I find it hard to have time to sypathise with him as I do all the night time stuff and most of the childcare.

I have been trying for months suggest he does some exercise. He comfort eats and has put on allot of weight.

It's come to a head again in the last few days as we all got a flu / sickness bug. DS started, then DD got it then thankfully the kids had stopped being sick by the time I started. I was vomiting every 15 minutes and it was freaking out the kids so I asked him to watch them. He said he felt like he had flu, so he only watched DS in the bedroom while I left DD in front of the tv and I left the bathroom door open so I could hear her. He then got sick later that day and spent the whole of the next day in bed as well. I admit he had it worse than me and I was happy to have the kids while he was ill but I thought it was selfish of him not to take them while I was being sick.

He thought I was belittling him and treating him like he wasn't ill. He say I always do it and I make him feel like he's not aloud to be ill. I tried to tell him that in our relationship, it's not fair that I don't have a choice to be ill or to run away from it all sometimes as I have to look after our children. If I have a horrible cold I have to 'get on with it' because nobody is going to watch the kids for me, so that probably restricts my sympathy.

He has brought up the suicide issue a few times and wants me to understand how serious he is. How he doesn't want to think about killing himself but he can't help it.

I spend all my energy on our kids, it's a thankless task but they deserve all the love I can give them even though some days I'm so tired I can hardly stay awake. I do all the housework and make all the meals and I get very little help. DH works really hard and times are tough for the business.

We are in a sorry mess.

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 22/09/2010 12:06

So is your dh still taking the anti depressants? It sounds like he needs something more, perhaps another visit to the gp.

As for you, I don't know how you're still standing! You poor thing, you must be exhausted, the amount of stress with the suicide threats is bad enough. Two kids not sleeping would drive me to the brink.

I heard alarm bells when you said, "all my energy on our kids, it's a thankless task'

They love you, it's not really a thankless task is it? I worry for you that you are being brought so low caring for all three that you are becoming more depressed and pressured. Please ask the gp for more help.

KristinaM · 22/09/2010 12:07

I'm sorry you are in such a hard situations.

soemone who knows more about this will be along soon, I'm sure

did your Dh coem home last night and is he at work now?

have you phoned your Dhs GP? please do so now - you just need to speak to one of the doctors on the phone. Don't be palmed off by the receptionist - tell him/her its an emergency

do you have friends / family you can all in RL for support?

BrightLightBrightLight · 22/09/2010 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappySlapper · 22/09/2010 12:08

God, what a dreadful situation Sad

You see, I am of the mind that if you are serious about suicide, you would just go and do it. Not tell anyone, not threaten, just go and end it.

It all smacks a bit of self-pity and attention seeking, imo. Sorry if that sounds harsh, It must be really, really hard to deal with. Sorry I have no advice.

bren66 · 22/09/2010 12:16

Please, please, will both of you go and see your GP and ask to be referred to counsellors. You both sound as if you need help. Anti-depressants help but from personal experience you both need counselling. It's not that hard talking to strangers and you've taken the first step already by posting on MN. Your GP may even be able to find you other help, may be someone to help look after the children for you sometimes so you can have time alone and together. Take care

QueenofDreams · 22/09/2010 12:18

Sorry to say this but I think his depression is being used as a tool to control you. To keep you in your place doing all the work while he mopes about feeling sorry for himself. The suicide threats are not real - if he were serious he would do it, not huff off with the threat. He's doing it to control you and make you feel bad for actually asking him to help with his own children while you were throwing up (what a cheeky thing to do woman, how dare you Hmm)

Your husband sounds like a very selfish man. HHe has no thought for you or your children.

ItsGraceAgain · 22/09/2010 12:20

Don't know about that, HappySlapper, all the professionals advise taking suicide threats seriously. Confuzzeled, depression is 'catching' - you need to get yourself to the GP asap AND TELL THEM EVERYTHING. Wrt your H, the only way to keep your own sanity is to back right off from the depression. Make sure he's fed, washed and takes his meds - apart from that, have no truck with it. Name the depression and tell your H you won't engage with it (you've been together for long enough, I'm sure you understand what I mean).

You can't fix the inside of his head for him: either he'll go into remission after a while, or not. Nothing you do, or don't do, will alter that. Next time he threatens suicide, ring 999. Good luck - most of all, take care of yourself and your DCs.