My husband has just walked out the door saying he's going to kill himself

[Confuzzeled]

I don't even know if I should believe him. He's said it before a few times and I don't know how many times I can take the emotional torture.

He threw his house keys in the door as he left.

I feel sick and don't know what to do. I can't cry in front of my kids.

I thought writing thankless was a silly thing to say but I couldn't think of another way to say that you work all the time for them but they don't look after you back. I know they love me and I can't imagine life without them, they keep me going.

DH is still on AD's, he has another appointment with the doctor next week. They have helped him, he is far less obsessive now.

All our family live quite far away and to be honest they all have enough on their plates without our problems as well.

My sister has dipped in and out of depression for years so I can see similarities and it is like he's crying out for help. I think depression makes you selfish, I don't think he's a controlling man. He's always been a bit bossy and organised while I'm a bit dreamy and indecisive, so we always worked well together.

Gumbo - meant to say that is awful.

Yes dh did say it in front of the kids, he felt bad about it and spoke to dd this morning.

Yeah, ItsGraceAgain, you're probably right, luckily, I've not had to deal with it. I just thought that as these threats have been over such a long period of time, that they maybe were just threats. I can remember several times years ago, my mother locking herself in the bathroom, rattling bottles of pills and shouting 'I'M GOING TO DO IT!!' ... a little flair for the dramatic, my mum

But I really do think that there is an element of control to this behaviour.

Depression is an illness like another but also not like any other as it doesn't have symptoms you can see and it is misunderstood. It is definitely time he went back to the GP and talked things through with him/her. If he won't go then maybe you should go and ask for support for you while he is going through this.

I have depression and have also tried to kill myself but I would never say anything in front of the children and they will never know I tried.

if your husband threatens this again and leaves the house then you need to phone 999 immediately.

Have you got any support for you?

You are getting a lot of good advice regards the mental health angle.

What is your family diet like?

If he comfort eats, can you ensure that there is only "healthy" snacks such as fruit, nuts, raisins, etc? Dont keep crisps or chocolate in the house at all.

Without knowing what you are eating, I feel a bit like shooting arrows in the dark, but how feasible is it to cook healthy lean dinners with chicken, fish, and plenty of veg and salads?

It seems a bit like you need to take control of your husbands diet.

Comfort eating and putting on weight is a viscious circle, one he might not be able to break himself.

Asking him to exercise is a good idea. Exercise is releasing endorphines, which is the bodys natural anti depressant. Can you suggest that you and him and the kids go for walks together? Take up cycling as a family?

Do you get enough Omega3 (cod liver oil, fatty fish such as mackerell and salmon)? Omega3 is not only good for brain development, but has sometimes been given by doctors to treat depression without going as far as ADs.

Medicine is well and good, but if he has a hard time with work and life, ADs is not going to change this, only masks it.

I got out of depression when my dh took control of our lives and managed to implement the above. He also added an au pair to the mix, so we could get more help with the kids.

pinkbasket "I have depression and have also tried to kill myself but I would never say anything in front of the children and they will never know I tried."

My point exactly. I've also suffered depression periodically, and I would never have told anyone if I had that plan. I'm sorry you've been through that. I hope you're out the other side for now.

confuzzeled has your dh ever called the samaritans?

please encourage him to do so 08457 909090

they may be of support to you also (as well as posting on here of course)

HappySlapper - I am pretty okay at the moment thank you but I know I will still have bad times. How are you doing at the moment?

We are vegi, so most of our meals are quite healthy. I don't buy any unhealthy snacks but if I buy a loaf of bread he'll eat half a loaf in one go. Also cheese, oat cakes things like that. Everything in the house has to be something that needs cooked or it can be snacked on.

This makes life hard with the kids as they need snacks too.

Are you getting enough fatty fish oil from supplements, then? (sorry to keep going on)

No probably not, may go buy some today. I do need to take control, it's just hard when your so tired all the time.

I know what you mean. When I had pnd, I spoke to our GP, and he had also spoken to my dh on a few occasions and he said the following. You have pnd, and to be honest with you, I think your husband suffer depression too. This makes it double hard, because you will carry the burden of both your and his depression, because he will never admit that he needs help too.
Or something along those lines.

It is funny how dh managed to help with my depression, but not his own. Not then.
Now he is handling it much better. He is exercising a lot, and eating very healthily. He is eating fish in bucket loads, plus taking omega3. He has stopped drinking coffee and only drinks green tea. He never touches alcohol, and has never been happier.

of course you are tired. you ahve two small children - a faull time job - plsus an adult who because of his depression does not help.

depresison is not his fault - but it is his repsonsibility to take charge of it and own it and take steps to combat it.

you well you ened support. you ened ot see a counsellor to talk thru strrategies, setting boundaries to deal with his depression.

you need to find a way to release teh birden so that he - for example - takes himself off ot a friend for couple days; goes to the gym, speaks to the Gp about a prescription for exercise at local gym and therapy for himself.

you need to be strong about laying down the law on suicide threats - tell him - you make a threat i will call 999, i will take your threats seriously. you need help which i cannot give you.

talk to rethink or counsellor about supporting a depressed person - read about depresison fallout and think about the strategies - i found this book excellent -
How You Can Survive When They're Depressed : Living and Coping with Depression Fallout [Paperback]
Anne Sheffield

Anne Sheffield (Author)
www.amazon.co.uk/How-Survive-When-Theyre-Depressed/dp/0609804154/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1285158066&sr=8-2

you've been doing for years - so did i...

read the chapter on impact on children growing up with a depressed parent. yours are young but it makes sobering reading.

it CAN be mitigated - plenty of time with upbeat positive people for example.

you might want to stay with and support your H but you have to be prepared to set the boundaries as you now have 2 dc to think of.

it isnt fair on them to hear their dad saying "i am going to kill myself" espec if it just becomes a mantra...

my nowexP is i can see falling into his autumn depression - unable to get on top of tthings, turning up at the door for attention, looking inwards "dont you understand "

he was depresssed with me, depressed without me. nothing i do or dont do changes that. only he can work thru it.

if you are going to decide to support him you need to think carefully how you can do that and care for the children, deal with your tiredness etc - individual counselling, maybe family therapy together might really help - i did attend family therapy with my exP - it was useful in that they tried to tell him to take responsibility for his depression - which at least for me validated the idea that it was HIS depression - not mine....and they urged him to seek proper help. (he didnt but that is another story).

it is good that you are getting this out and maybe beginnig to think longer term -as you now have DCS - how to manage the situation - his depression, the DCs, your role and the support you need.

and you do really need support for you - go to your GP, get tyourself referred for NHS counselling - the six sessions may just help you to process and analyse and think about you and the Dc in all of this - and make decisions for the way forward.

whether that is ultimatums to him or whatever.

p.s. PNd is generally a clearly defined state related to birth of child - and a defined length of time -

this long term up/down depression (part of them/their personality even) is harder in a way as you do not know if there is an end - and when there is an up - yuo are always waiting for the fall again - in someone who hasnt apparently taken control of their depression.

if they lack insight into their own condition, deny it is happening etc.

or rather than denying - take up the "well i am going to kill myself then" mantra - acknowledging the issue but not really taking responsibility for it as in seeking help to NOT kill themselves.

but also if they do - it will be their decision.... take it seriously. call 999 and his GP every single time he says it.

Very good posts frome cestlavie.

Two of my friends have killed themselves. Both were a shock to everybody, as we did not know they were even planning it.

One friend was a young mum, she killed herself while her 3 year old daughter was in preschool. She did not come to pick up her daughter, and the preschool called her ex, who picked up the girl, and brought her to her mum. She had used a sharp knife. Guess who found my friend.

And then there is my third troubled friend who threatened suicide ever so often during our early adulthood, keeping us all on tenterhooks. Well, she is still alive and well.

In my experience, those really desperate keep quiet about their plans, so they can execute their plans without any disruption. But it is not fair on you to keep threatening it. He needs to realize that you cannot put up with this drama any more.

my exP ahd hsitory of depresive episodes when i met him i ahd no idea what that meant. he muddled thru, i took on repsonsibility of having disabled child born in 1996, etc. it was in 2004 that i began to recgonize that i could no longer live with hisbehaviour, his misery, his constant whinging....from 2005 he was threatening to kill himself "what is the point" "life is not worth lviing".

i began planning his funeral... even when eh reached rock bottom mental health wise in 2007, self harming etc -and had what i mgiht calla psychotic episode attacking em adn my son - he did not even attempt suicide (tho nearly killed himself accidentally and put our lives in danger with erratic driving on several occasions)

even in his depths in 2008 (when i left with the DC) and 2009 when he again talked about ending it, 2may as well killmyself then" over contact with the DC - he didnt.

the talk was attention seeking... it still is..

he needs attention and help - so does your DH.

how and in what form you provide it - and whetehr it should be you - well that is something to really seriously think about.

of course at the back of mind i do know that one day yes he may become a statistic. that is life...