A lucky escape...regular twat or something more sinister?

[relieved]

Hi,

Just looking for some opinions, as involvement with a man has recently finished (got back with his ex). I do of course miss him and feel rubbish at the moment (though I know this will pass...I hope it will), but I do wonder if I will look back and realise that I have had a lucky escape, as I feel that there's something not quite right that I can't put my finger on. I loved him anyway but can't help but wonder if that was the major thing we had in common - I loved him, he loved himself too.

There is lots I do miss about him, but a few characteristics I'm not exactly sorry to see the back of.

• lack of empathy towards other people - as if it was only his feelings that mattered. He seemed to enjoy inflicting pain on other people, e.g. me.
• very flirty, which never really bothered me on a serious level, I tended to think of it as an act but if we were in a restaurant and I so much looked at the waiter, he would fly into a rage.
• in the beginning, he was charming and complimented my figure, but towards the end would insult my appearance - he repeatedly told me I needed my mouth fixing, that I had 'shit tits', that my shoes were horrible (which they weren't, and that really hurt!). I wasn't 'perfect looking' so I didn't deserve him. Reading this, I see how disrespectful he was to me actually, and strange as it sounds either a) it didn't hurt me or b) I didn'y care what he said to me.
• obsessed with being attractive - on the one hand would moan that he was unattractive, but on the other, would ask if girls he met fancied him and then say to me 'i am very good looking, aren't I?'.
• obsessed with sex - will openly say to colleagues and mutual friends that he 'needs to have sex'.

-sex that was all about him. In the beginning, I was satisfied, but he soon lost interest in pleasing me, the whole thing revolved around him, him receiving oral sex or him being masturbated by me or himself. He would ask me to pleasure myself, but it seemed he wanted me to do it over him if you see what I mean. It was never 'making love' either, and always, always had to involve me being dressed up. Actual intercourse fairly infrequent.

• lying about sexual conquests. I know two girls through friends he claimed to have had sex with, and they say they never slept with him.
• constant need for attention and to have his needs pandered to. Seemed to dislike being on his own actually, and would get very angry if I made plans that didnt involve him.
• very impulsive. Exciting at first, but quite tiring ultimately. Always seemed to find it difficult to make long term arrangements and would behave without thinking of the implications, e.g. he has backed out of work commitments and burned bridges with clients at work.
• excessive alcohol consumption
• felt entitled to my money
• at work, gets jealous of other people's status, though he doesn't work hard himself
• Prone to arguments with people that criticise him

I probably sound like the woman scorned and I should stress that I did have fun with him, he was very charming and funny to be around when things were good, very clever conversation, cultured, educated etc, we went on loads of dates, so it was never dull. I was completely into him, but there were things he would do or say that I didn't like, and I couldn't see it ending well, yet didn't have the strength to tell him to piss off either. I also really wanted to look after him and love him 'better' as it were.

So should I be weeping into my pillow or breathing a sigh of relief?

Yep, just do NOT get sucked in again, should the git find himself chucked out by his ex, and wondering why you're not begging him to come back.

Do NOT go there again. If you need any reminders why not just read a few of the threads where people have married and had children with this kind of guy.

Glad you're free of him

dittany....I refer to the emotional pain, for example, he turned up to my birthday party and kissed another girl in front of me and seemed to get a kick out of knowing he'd riled me. I responded by getting very drunk indeed. I tend to not let him see me feeling hurt, he seems to try harder.

I hope that given enough time and space he won't be back. The last time I saw him, I told him to steer clear of me.

Your post is so wise dittany, I really appreciate you taking the time to post.

It was a very messed up relationship, the more I think about it. I was intimidated by him alot of the time, mostly because he was this beautiful looking creature that I just wanted to get close to and would do pretty much anything in order to do so.

I'm not sure if I was targeted or not, I think so, but don't know.

I'm quite a passive person anyway and actually, analysing alot of my relationships and friendships, even going back to being very young, I have had a habit of being friendly to people that are mean to me. The one exception being that i have cut my mother out of my life for despicable behaviour, so you would think that I would have found this a piece of piss to deal with.

Mumonthenet, I will look at some of those threads.

It was soooo a lucky escape. He completely ruined your confidence didn't he?

Maybe he's gone back to the ex because you were too strong? Wouldn't be brown-beaten and were pretty much inured to him and his unpleasant games, despite some upping the ante?

Yes, good riddance.

thanks poshsinglemum, well he gave it a bloody good go, but I don't think I let him get the better of me.

My confidence is a very complex thing - I know that I come across as very confident and self assured to some people, e.g. I'm very good in social situations, but then, I'm very self deprecating too and tend to be very easy going.

In some ways, there have been improvements (for one, he was obsessed with my legs and after years of me not thinking they were up to much, I've accepted that) and also if I got through that, I can learn something and move on and be happy.

"I was bullied quite a bit and became accustomed to ignoring hurtful comments"

hmmm...that's possibly part of the answer right there.

so, in essence, you made a pact with the devil; he was "beautiful" on the surface and you thought that this beauty was worth the price of tolerating the ugliness on the inside.

maybe you have confidence etc but I would be worried that there is a part of you somewhere that felt she deserved this treatment.

or maybe you were being shallow and prepared to tolerate his nastiness in order to have this eye candy on your arm?

Can i ask what sex shoes are please? lol

That's a good point actually, DinahRod. I wonder if that is true come to think of it. I sometimes think I wasn't playing the game he wanted me to play and I knew it pissed him off. I have long hair and he said he thought it was nice but could stand to be shorter and I think he was testing me. My hair is my choice firstly, but secondly, I told him that on that front, he'd never win as the number one man in my life - my dad - loves my hair long.

I don't know shineon, probably just trying to work my way through it all!

Perhaps not that I deserved the treatment as such, but maybe that I didn't deserve to be treated well either? Trust me, it's not about the eye candy, I'm a) not that shallow and b) not all girls fancy him as much as he thinks/would like them to do.

Oh lunavix, they have to be uncomfortable, inpractical, black, patent, stilletoes. For the record, I have no problem with wearing a nice pair of black heels, but it gets uncomfortable sometimes. Absolutely hates seeing me in flats or ugg boots.

So maybe that's why the lack of tears, cos he really didn't 'reach' you.

But yet you stayed until he buggered off.

Be careful about being too passive and letting life happen to you, rather than you orchestrating matters yourself, iyswim. It's ok to to by an easy-going person, it can be a lovely quality, but there are some things worth getting energised about, and, excuse the bluntness, taking no shit from a man is one of them!

You'll know better for next time. Chose someone who makes you feel good

I recommend Eric Berne 'Games People Play' and also 'What Do You Say After You Say Hello' to gain a bit of insight into the sucking in process and how it works on both sides.

Although you may be quite resilient, there are still a lot of horrible people out there and it's not your duty to keep on getting involved with them.

Been There, got the t-shirt. You have had a very lucky escape. Mine too cleared off to his ex after I realised he was just like my abusive father in all respects.

He was adorable in the beginning. Even now, nearly four years later I miss him sometimes. but I know what I am missing was just smoke and mirrors. A beautiful man with the devil inside him.

I am thankful to him in a way, as it was him that made me see that there are such things as personality disorders, and that people can be seen to fit into the types that exist by their behaviours. And so many abusive behaviours fit a pattern.

As they have no souls, in the beginning they just reflect you back at you. And as you are probably a lovely person, this is what you are getting back. But they can only keep that up for so long before the ugliness rises to the surface.

Get that champagne out!

A very lucky escape!

ah...ma don't get me started on that word RESILIENT.

I was once called that by someone who was a very nice and balanced person...who I admired. He meant it as a compliment (I think ).

Trouble is, at one end of the spectrum resilient means brave, strong, noble, bla bla, but at the other end it means...a bloody doormat.

This thread feels like an articulated version of singing I Will Survive after a bottle of wine, you're fab.

Dinahrod, another v. helpful post. I do need to take charge of my life instead of acting like I am a sodding passanger. I am a bit worried about the lack of tears because in some ways, he did reach me and I know it has changed me, but then it only went so far. I am a bit concerned I'm in denial about being over - we have an on again/off again history - and that I'm perhaps not fully convinced it is over. I do feel like this is it this time though.

I will look into those books, thank you Math.

Gettingagrip...I think you may well have hit the nail on the head. All that glitters not being gold and all that.

On the Horlicks, rather than the champagne. Still nice though.

well rid. Maybe thinkj about building your self esteem though so it doesn't happen again.

Yes, 'resilient'. It's a word that needs examining when someone says it to you.

Don't let him back EVER, Relieved. No contact at all under any circumstances is the best way. I would consider changing phone numbers and e-mail addresses, blocking him on FB, whatever it takes. That is how dangerous these people are.

oh dear, I really hope this is not just one of those "off" times

beware the charm offensive which is likley to come your way when the poor woman he binned you for wakes up to her terribe mistake

he wil try to rebound between you, and if you take him back after a lightbulb moment like this, you would be utterly stupid

have you had similar "lightbulb moments" with him, then gone on to cave in to some sweet taking ?l

Asshole

Dear god, i find it hard to believe people like this actually exist - i'm not saying you're making this up, i hasten to add, i guess i've just been lucky not to come across horrors like this.

i really hope you'll look back on this episode with a sense of disbelief that you ever wanted a future with an awful man like this. Go find a proper one!