Am I over-reacting by being very upset at partner calling me a whore during an argument?

[namechange76]

Just after your views of this really. Me and my partner were arguing last night about our sex life, which is one of the only things we argue about. To make things worse he had been drinking all day with friends, which he doesn't do often, but I usually find him pretty hard work when he's pissed and I'm sober, and really did not feel like having sex, although he wanted to. I got very wound up by his sulky attitude and emotional blackmail when I turned down his advances, and called him an asshole, and he quickly came back at me by calling me a whore.

It felt like a slap in the face and I sent him to sleep on the sofa. He came back upstairs and was genuinely surprised that I was so insulted and hurt; he said that calling him an asshole was just as bad and that the word whore is just another swearword. It is not just another swearword to me, and has a huge amount of negative connotations, especially when directed by a man to the woman he shares a home and care of a child with.

I couldn't bear the thought of sleeping in the same bed as him, and he would not go back downstairs, so I did. This morning he tried to make up again but I feel disappointed and disgusted in him. I feel it is one of the worse things you can call a woman; I've known some crap men in my life but I have never been called a whore by any of them!

He's otherwise a good man, but I feel that if he cannot see why this would hurt me so much he doesn't know me very well or understand the feminist principles I try to live by. There is a small part of me though that thinks that maybe I'm overreacting - is it that bad? Also, it keeps playing around my head that maybe it is my fault because I called him an asshole, and is calling him this just as out of order?

Thanks AnyFucker, on both points

'lamenting the quality of certain posters'?

Christ, sitdown, i will avoid you in future (unless you have hidden behind a cowardly namechange). What a ridiculous mindset you do have.

I loathe drunken arguments, my XP was like this, come in drunk and act horribly. I would NOT put up with shit like this in my current relationship. I would rather be single than put up with a drunk, nasty oaf.

As they get older children are aware of this stuff though arent they? Shouting would surely wake them up. I would think carefully about bringing more children into a relationship like this surely its damaging.

He rarely drinks that much, but when he occasionally does he gets emotional and sometimes this turns into toxicity because I think it amplifies his self esteem issues. He's always been very sorry when it's happened, but I think last night I just snapped.

I plan to sit down with him when ds has gone to bed tonight and try to explain why being called a whore hurt me so much. I am not a fan of sulking and letting things simmer, but ds was up and about this morning when he wanted to talk things through.

Erm, asshole and whore on the same level? I don't think so. I'd also be very taken aback if DH called me this, and I'm not particularly prudish/precious about language. As the OP says, it's the implications.

Perhaps, OP, your DH does just see it as another insult on the lines of "cow" or "bitch" - in which case you need to explain to him that it is not, and you don't find it acceptable. Good luck! (Nothing worse than pissed people when you're not, is there?!)

Calling a woman a whore is a far worse insult than calling her an arsehole, a bitch or a cow. It's actually worse than calling her a cunt. Because to call a woman a whore when you are angry with her is pretty threatening - it suggests you believe that she has sex indiscriminately or for money, and that in your eyes that makes her the worst thing in the world. Men who use 'whore' as an insult are men who don't like women very much.

I suppose it is possible that your DP doesn;t fully understand that, if he;s young or not very well educated - he might just think that 'whore' is an insult along the lines of 'bitch'. But he does sound like he needs a good kick in the cock anyway.

Namechange, it sounds like a really difficult evening for you. I'm not surprised you're upset by it all.

I think there's a big difference between being called whore and asshole. Asshole is a bit like calling someone a dickhead. Not nice but not loaded in the same way as being called a whore.

A man calling his partner a whore is different and hugely disrespectful.

If my partner called me that, I'd be very angry and very concerned about our relationship and his attitude towards me.

But reading your post, the issue here doesn't seem just to be the swearing (I think that's a symptom) but more

your feelings about not conceiving, (I imagine you've a lot of different feelings about that) and you being pestered and manipulated by your husband when he wants sex and you don't.

For him to pester you , try to emotionally blackmail you and sulk if he doesn't get as much sex as he wants isn't ok.

I think it's chidish and disrespectful at the very least and actally, I'd say it's abusive behaviour. It doesn't sound as though he's considering you or even able see you or what you need in all this.

Sitdown, you are amusing.

I've been with my 'dp' for twenty years now. Neither of us drink, we both work, we have mutually enjoyable, sober sex, our children are well looked after and we respect and love one another.

My parents on the other hand were upper middle class, neglectful, abusive, and one was an alcholic.

You may have felt you had lots in common with them, as they were very keen to pretend to the world that theirs was a perfect marriage and life.

Are you letting your relationship turn into a mother/son role rather than that of equals? Why do you accept so easily that he doesn't have a handle on your cycles? He's a grown man, it's not complicated to understand - neither is the fact that alcohol lowers sperm count.

Sounds like you both need to make an effort to take a different approach and commit to not throw insults at each other.

Also, please don't think your son doesn't hear the arguments if voices get raised or people are trooping about changing beds, these things wake children and they do hear them.

NC76 - definitely not BU.

Is your DP feeling resentful of his perceived lack of sex, to the point where he may feel you are only having sex in order to make another DC? This may be way off beam, but it's just a hunch....

sitdown it must get terribly drafty in that ivory tower of yours. Still, as long as you're happy with it, why not STAY IN IT

You obviously have huge issues in your relationship but the double standards here do make me laugh.

Everything else aside when it comes down to just the name calling it is 100% both of you that are in the wrong.

As someone said it's the implications it's not for you or anyone here to decide if it's a top trump winner for offensiveness.

If HE found it as offensive as you found the word whore then it's just as bad, it's about the implications that he felt.

But as a woman ofc the majority will think you are within your rights to chuck around insults or it's not as bad.

However I do think it's a symptom and it's not a healthy relationship if you are both chucking around insults to each other and you have issues with him when he drinks and his behaviour.

It needs to be sorted out and talked about without the name calling and decisions to be made.

I imagine if he was pissed tbh he didn't think of the surrounding "baggage" of the word whore and just threw the nastiest name he could think of at the time, being very drunk as he was equally pissed off you called him an asshole. Probably that simple.

The issue you have is the behaviour he carries out whilst drunk once in a blue moon or not.

so your DP called you a Whore because you wouldnt have sex with him... sounds like a class A moron TBH. i wouldnt engage with him myself but only because i know if my DH called me a whore there would be little left to say to him...

arsehole is just a random meaningless insult...whore is much much worse IMO shows alot about his views toward you/women if he uses that word as a descriptive toward you!!

You were both out of order.

However this is the part that bothers me most "We're ttc#2, not very successfully, and after I told him I was not in the mood last night he said "I'm really sad that DS1 will probably never have a little brother or sister to play with". I asked him what made him think this and he said "we only have sex once a month" "

I just wonder why you want to conceive another child with a man who bullies you over sex? I think either you are having a TTC stress blip, or if this is a general thing, then there are serious issues to be resolved between you.

Of course whore and arsehole are completely different. Whore is a disgustng thing to call your partner. Arsehole is the kind of thing I mutter under my breath if my DP borrows my car and brings it back with no diesel in. It is something you say out of exasperation. Whore comes from hatred, in my view.

yup, hatred of women specifically

although it can be aimed at men, I think it has a special kind of significance when aimed at a woman

not the kind of special way I would hope my partner viewed me....

Exactly Getorf.

Whore is not just an insult. It would feel like an attack.

Thats just an appalling thing to call your wife/partner.

You are not over-reacting - and he clearly is an asshole

Whore is nasty, nasty, nasty and much more of a personal insult - how could he direct that comment at someone he supposedly loves?

It is so not just tit for tat. You can say it is tit for tat, you are both as bad as each other if both were pissed or sober, she called him an arsehole, he called her a twat.

NOT when she is sober, wants to go to sleep, he comes in drunk and tried to have sex when she doesn't want to, she calls him an arsehole out of sheer frustration and he calls her a whore out of anger and nastiness.

HOW can that not be clearly evident in the OP's initial post?

Just a thought but if you use it in a sentence (like on Countdown) I think the difference is clearer:

You are behaving like an asshole
You are behaving like a whore

It's strikingly different to me.

You're both out of order as regards the name-calling.
For all I know your dp is just as insulted at being called an asshole as you are a whore.
But as you called him a nasty word first, you're equally to blame.

Partner came home from work early as he said he couldn't concentrate. We settled DS down for a nap and talked things through. He said it was one of his all-time lows and he feels terrible - explained that he said it at the time as a throwaway insult, but realised now why it was such a bad thing to say, and that he has never said it to anyone before and never will again. He understands I won't tolerate it again as well, which I suppose is the best I can hope for.

We also talked about the sexual manipulation - it is obviously a problem that won't go away that quickly, but we're going to talk about that more.

I think teh best thing to do would be to say (like custardo) that the rule is, if he comes in pissed, go in the spare room and stay the hell out of your way.

Well that's positive then namechange, do you feel happy enough with that? It's a stressful thing TTC if it's not instant, maybe it was a one-off.

It's a start...