I think he's over-critical, he thinks I'm over-sensitive, how do we work through it?

[somethinganything]

So here's the thing, I definitely react badly to criticism - I can recognise that and I'm trying really hard to work on it but I can see that it's very annoying for DH. But I also think sometimes he puts me on the defensive in a passive way that's hard to pin down. I feel like I get backed into a corner a lot e.g. he'll make some kind of comment like "do you think we should have arranged x, y, z?" (and when he says 'we' he means me). So I'll respond, "well, I didn't because I thought we'd agreed x, y, z". Then he'll do a kind of verbal pat on the head and say, in quite patronising voice, "It's alright, I'm not attacking you, I'm not criticising you...", which really riles me. I now feel that because we both now I'm bad at accepting criticism I can't disagree with anything without it being a symptom of one specific character flaw of mine.

Thing is I can see both sides of it and I know I'm being a bit unreasonable in fact I'm willing to accept that it's mostly my fault. I just don't know what to do to change the pattern. Any suggestions?

I should add that it's possible I'm just a bit depressed, have been there before and I definitely do get too anxious about things but it's so hard to see your own relationship objectively and I don't know whether DH's behaviour is also playing a part.

Have to take the DDs out for a while so won't be posting for a couple of hours but would really appreciate any feedback

if this is about perception of attitude rather than intention this needs to be acknowledged.

DH can come across as shouty if stressed or annoyed.

so i would say

"stop shouting"
he would reply
"im not shouting"

"yes you are"

"NO IM NOT"

this could go round in circles.

until i realised that his intention was not to be shouty, but my perception was that he was being.

this is probably becuase he was brought up with two brothers

as an only child a slightly raised voice means shouty

shouty in Dhs house meant loud arguments with his brothers.

so i would then tell dh that whilst i realise his intention wasn't to be shouty and scarey, that was my perception, so could be tone it down

so... if you are still with me

you need to acknowledge the intention and perception

"i realise your intention wasn't to criticize but i percieved it to be critisism, perhaps next time if you could bare i mind x,y,z ( tone, inflection, words that annoy you that kind of thing) then perhaps i wouldn't percieve your request as criticism.

you need to give him pointers as to a solution or else you are jjust criticising his critisism

I don't think it's all your fault. I think he's got you over a barrel and he knows it. Beware. xxx

custardo yes, I think I see what you mean! I've sort of tried explaining that but the two attitudes are so deeply ingrained for both of us. His job requires him to be quite confrontational (and tactical) so I think he's good at somehow apportioning blame without doing it explicitly. And I don't think he knows he's doing it even so he thinks it's a completely innocent comment and I take it v personally. I was brought up by a mother who was v loving but also quite controlling and pushy in what she wanted me to achieve - I suppose on some level I believe that mistakes = not being lovable. So I find it hard to accept responsability when things go wrong - like I say, I'm working on it but we do seem to go round in circles a lot.

I get over-emotional about the whole thing, he stays very calm and collected and says I'm being unreasonable therefore I always look like the mad one but actually that's just the way I"ve been conditioned to react, in the same way that your dh has been conditioned to be a bit shouty. My DH is just v good at staying calm whatever and saying things like "well just look how you're reacting" and therefore always appears to be in the right (he often is to be fair). Anyway, will bear in mind what you say about pointers and try to tackle it when I'm not feeling emotional/angry

Fecker - It certainly feels that way sometimes! But I think there's a lot I can do on my side to improve the situation

I have to say I have this exact type of thing a lot with my H.

The way I deal with it is to try and be as specific as possible during any planning so it's clear who is doing what and then I can say 'oh by the way, I know I was supposed to be doing such and such, but I haven't because of...and now I plan to...'

I try to make the expectations clear in the first place.

The other thing was I used to accept that my H was a critical person, so therefore that was an integral part of our relationship. Our counsellor told us recently that criticism is not part and parcel of a relationship and might be contributing to my feeling unhappy. That if I find criticism upsetting, it is not acceptable. That has given me a new way of looking at it and now I feel justified in saying 'that sounds like criticism to me' and pointing it out. It is hard work though I have to say!

In answer to your question about not knowing if Hs behaviour is playing a part - it almost certainly is. Is it usually after a comment of his that you have this type of defensive reaction? Do you have it with other people?

He may be trying to get you wound up as that then lets him off the hook and has you looking like the unreasonable one. Maybe rather than take too much responsibility for this you need to address it with him - why does he feel such a need to make these type of comments?

Thanks walking reassuring to know that someone else is in the same position. Interesting what you say re criticism - I suppose I just feel it's inevitable. DH used to be incredibly critical, not just to me, but to everyone - in the interests of 'honesty' he'd say exactly what he thought whenever he liked. Fortunately I think I've now made him see that that can actually be very hurtful and he's made a big effort not to be like that any more. But he does still criticise a bit (sometimes less overtly) and to be fair I do it back to him - but that's something I think I've developed as a kind of defence. That makes it sound v negative but I'm really trying to see criticism as something helpful that can make us think about doing things differently. It's just striking the balance that's difficult I find. Anyway, really appreciate your input - has given me something else to think about!

sorry x-post walking - that's a good point. I don't generally feel that defensive with anyone else. But then again I suppose I don't know anyone else well enough for them to make the sorts of criticisms that really hit home

This may be going off the point a bit now, but it he sarcastic also? I ask because that was also something I thought everyone put up with and was 'reasonable' though I hate it myself. But our counsellor also said sarcasm was unacceptable behaviour if I felt upset about it.

My H is trying not to use either of these at all this past week and the difference is huge. He is so much nicer to hang out with. I am amazed what a difference it makes.

Ignore that if it's not relevant to you! But the general point is - if your H were able to hold back on the criticism, you may feel happier and closer to him as a result.

Just going by the one example you gave in your OP - your response was defensive. He says "do you think we should?" which is a clear question. You replied to a different question, "why didn't you?"

Now his response to that is patronising and a little goading. But by that point you had both embarked on a game/pattern, which leads to predictable outcomes based on the kind of environments you grew up in.

Before making this into a mountain - when it might only be a molehill - try pausing fro a split-second and checking whether what you're about to say is clear, direct and to the point. If you think not, change it. If you need an extra few seconds to check, make a time-wasting noise like "ahh," or "hmm, should we?" ... you get the picture.
I hope this helps. Let us know!

Just putting myself back in my old shoes (I spent most of my life playing similar verbal games) - I felt I would have wanted the example. Here it is:
Him: Do you think we should do X?
You: Well, we could, but we'd have to cancel Y.
Him: Oh, is Y already arranged?
You: Yes, so we could do [X, Y] or what about comrpomising with Z? What do you think?

custy I think you have just revolutionised my marriage!

I have just had a moment of realisation that I am reacting to my perception of what DH is saying rather than thinking about what he is actually saying/the way he says it IYSWIM.

Thank you - I can't believe I haven't realised this in 13 years of actually very happy marriage.

A very, very interesting topic for me - and I would also like to thank Custy for her wise words.

I have always felt that DH is overly critical but, like you, OP, also acknowledge that I am hyper-sensitive to criticism- real or imagined.

I don't know if it makes a difference, but DH is from S.A and certainly they seem to be more...forthright with their opinions than I am used to. I also dislike confrontation and see criticism as such.

I have, however, pointed out to DH that tone can be as important as the words used, so to a certain extent he must learn to moderate his tone, just as I must work hard to be less sensitive to what I perceive to be criticism.

Shodan yes, exactly, so much of it is in the tone.

IseeGraceahead I suppose what I was trying to get across through the example was that quite often as the argument discussion evolves it becomes apparent that it wasn't really an innocent question and that DH did think I should have done x, y, z. And I know him so well that I can often guess what he really means by the way he says it. But then again often I probably can't and just think I can so I think your advice is really useful i.e. stepping back and drawing breath etc, just difficult to do that in the heat of the moment sometimes.

Oh dear, I was hoping that wasn't the case. You're answering what he meant rather than what he said? Then he's being manipulative, so it's now wonder you feel a bit tied in knots. You're right: taking that step back is crucial for your own sanity - and, hopefully, fewer arguments! I'd still recommend answering what he says, in this case. If he wants to make a criticism out of it, he'll have to do it more specifically. That means you can continue to respond dispassionately, like a grown-up, instead of all this exhausting mind-reading bollocks.

I have to say that, when I started doing this with my ex, he rapidly turned to accusing me of being manipulative - for answering him honestly & directly! Classic abuser. I hope this doesn't happen to you; if it's a simple matter of bad habits, you can break up the game by refusing to play to his rules.

Thank you - yes, I see what you mean, just refuse to engage with any underlying 'meaning' and kind of rise above it then you have to have a straight conversation. Really sorry to hear about your ex and glad you moved on!

To be fair to DH, I really do think I have a lot to answer for in this situation I suppose the real test will be if I start acting like a grown-up whether that resolves all the problems (hmm, haven't worded that v clearly but hopefully you see what I mean!)

Yep :) Can I just point out you've handled implied criticisms well enough on your thread! By playing it straight, you'll feel in control of your own conversation. And that's got to be a good thing, hasn't it?

Good point - I'm not completely mental then But I suppose it's so much easier when a) you're feeling calm, rational, brave enough to face up to your flaws b) you've actually asked people for the criticism so to speak c) it's not coming from someone you love

Anyway, thanks v much

May I ask, somethinganything- are you very critical of yourself?

I just wonder if my- and perhaps your?- reactions are the way they are because we are our own harshest critic?

For e.g- I painted our bathroom last week. DH did say it looked nice, but then went on to say that I obviously hadn't usedd masking tape and that I'd missed a couple of bits. I got really cross and told him he could do it himself in future if all he could do was criticise. He was quite taken aback and said that he wasn't criticising, but knew I wouldn't be happy with a less than perfect job and thought I'd want to know. I responded by hmphing and stomping off. (I know - so grown-up of me). But it was the fact that I was annoyed at myself for not doing the job properly in the first place that made it worse. It made me hyper-sensitive, I think. Does that make sense?

FFS, this kind of thing makes me so cross!
"Look, I finished the bathroom! What d'you think?" -> correct answer: "Cool, that colour really works, great job."
"I did the bathroom, have I missed any bits?" -> "Brilliant colour! You've left a few patches over there though."
Honestly, it's not hard

Shodan - yes, absolutely spot on actually I'm such a perfectionist and I guess any criticism from other people just confirms my pretty low opinion of myself so I tend to take it v badly. It's crazy isn't it? To be able to understand all this on one level and still really struggle with changing your behaviour accordingly

Sorry that should have been changing "one's" behaviour accordingly - didn't mean to direct that just at you Shodan. And FWIW nobody else will notice the bits you missed

You may well find that being more straightforward turns your inner critic's volume down, too. If you and people close to you have already set up this critical dynamic - like Shodan's DH anticipating her own criticism - you can speed up progress towards more supportive communication, by saying what you want. In your decorating example, I'd want to know if I'd missed any, too. So I would say something like "Doesn't it look good? If you see any missed bits, let me know and I'll fix them tomorrow." That way, I praise myself and ask for reinforcement - but still get the constructive criticism I wanted.

Is this helping any, or shall I shut up now?

IseeGraceAhead- I might have to print off that bit and give it to DH to study.

somethinganything- yep it's a hard one to get your head around, isn't it.

On the plus side though - since I haven't noticed anyone liking DH less because he isn't afraid to voice his opinion, I have started being a bit more assertive myself.

I can't shut up Sorry, favourite topic!
These days, I paint the door & window frame reveals along with the walls - poor technique, but very time-saving. I started doing it after learning the single most important lesson I took from therapy: adequate is good enough.

My parents were fond of saying "Your best isn't good enough", which, despite being self-evident rubbish, turned me into a neurotic perfectionist. Now, I just think "Good enough is GOOD!" It makes life so much pleasanter :)

ISeeGrace like your thinking!