He's turned on me.

[ItWasADarkAndStormyNight]

I've posted about my relationship with H/Ex-H before under various usernames, things have got nasty.
I still love him, I think it's over and that can only be a good thing for ds, just wish I could make myself stop loving him.
He moved out when ds was a few weeks old, he's been out drinking most nights with his friends since then and I've begged him on many occassions to come and help me. I've rang him up in tears many times, ds has reflux and screams a lot, he's just been ill too. He'll say no he's had a drink and can't drive or just say no.
He asks me for money everytime he comes over and if I say no he tells me he won't come and see ds again so I end up agreeing.
He shouts and swears at me, calling me a bitch and a cunt, he tells me I'm lazy. I've had mental health problems before, and he tells me I'm crazy and ds will be taken off me, he tells me his dad thinks this too. I'll get angry at him for not helping and he says it's my fault, that I'm mad. He says things and goes back on it and when I ask him he says I'm making it up and it's just another example of how mental I am.
He's now telling everyone I'm a 'psycho cunt' and spreading that it is my fault and I can't cope.
Last night he text me several times saying divorce me bitch.
I'll get furious with him and decide that it's over but then next time he comes round he'll say he does love me and twist everything until it's my fault and I end up apologising to him and promising I'll be better.
I've already arranged to move back to the town we are both from and can't do anything about it now, he's telling everyone lies about me and turning people against me and I'm terrified that no one will talk to me now and I'll only have him.
I think it is over, I'm writing this to get it down in black and white, because he makes me so confused I end up taking the blame for everything and can't think straight.
I just feel utterly worthless. He said the only reason he got together with me is because he felt sorry for me.
He used to be so nice, he took care of me for a long time, since I started doing better he's changed. I used to get panic attacks and not go out, he used to look after me, sometimes I think now that he quite liked that. He used to take my money and my card and I wouldn't be allowed it, he'd give me £20 a week and kept the rest.
After the baby was born and I coped and I went out with him and I tried to get on he just turned, I don't know him anymore. He was so lovely sometimes, I don't know who he is now at all.

You can't be with someone who is so abusive of you - this is terrible

However, I understand your feelings about still loving in the face of abuse - it is very hard. Hugs (((((()))))))

'since I started doing better he's changed'

it sounds as if he's in the relationship to control you.

Yes, it is most definitely over. Please remind yourself that you don't have to put up with this kind of abuse, and it is only an indication of how screwed up he is, not you.

The only things that matter are you and the baby. Lies and rumours are neither here nor there.

Have you any support with the baby and reflux? Try and get some, from friends, family or your health visitor / Sure Start.

You don't need him, and you're only kidding yourself if you think you love him. He doesn't love you, he doesn't love his child (yet?) and he should not be around either of you until he can act in a calmer and more respectful manner.

Change your phone number or have his number barred.

See a solicitor and tell them everything about his abuse. They will document it and this will be helpful in the future.

Do not communicate with him unless he calmly asks to see your child. If he does this, insist that contact is supervised, preferably by someone other than yourself, and certainly not one of his friends or family. The Sure Start centre may be able to help you with this.

Focus on yourself and the baby. Don't let him get to you, you can cope with this perfectly well and as soon as you let it wash over you, the sooner you will see how strong you are.

You will be fine.

He is a twat.

Goodness, he's got you where he wants you, hasn't he!

He felt sorry for you - no he didn't, he saw you as a prime target for taking advantage of and abusing your good nature, trust and problems. He's been living off you for a long time and now you've found a level of independence he can see his easy ticket has gone out the window. No wonder he wants out.

First off - you need to think about what it is that you love about him -
is it that he loved you? If so, forget that - he was using you.
Is it that he was nice and caring of you? No, he was just keeping you in a place where he could rob you of your money and control you.
Is it that you think no one else would have you or be interested in you? Doubtful in itself but even if it is true, you're better off being a single parent than being with someone who treats you like this "man" does.

You have done something wonderful - and now you have to look after that little baby the best you know how. That doesn't include allowing yourself to be browbeaten and emotionally fucked up by the user who fathered him.

You need to get some self-esteem, some self- love - once you realise what you are really worth, you will be able to see what kind of "man" your H is, and move on more easily. Realising that you ARE Worth More, is your first step to release.

Good luck :)

Also, Women's Aid may be able to help you with professional advice.

That's something I've just noticed, when I met him I was a few months out of high school and was very vunerable. I'd just lost my best friend and a family member, I had no real friends and no self esteem, I couldn't believe he wanted me.
He did help me a lot and was brilliant for years, then I started getting better at doing things and finally feeling better about myself only to find out I was pg. Ds is the best thing to ever happen to me, I'd do anything for him, I thought we could be a family which is why I don't understand at all that now I'm feeling brighter and more confident and we have a beautiful little boy that he's completely turned against me. I don't know what I've done wrong.

Cross posted, I'm reading everything, it's just a shock.

There is a type of person who can only function in aggressor/victim roles. They tend to spend time with other victims, or vulnerable people so that they can be domineering and spiteful. It sounds like he has a personality disorder to me.

You have done nothing wrong. Your priority now is to protect your son, it is no longer to pander to him. He is threatened.

Either way, no excuses, he is a horrible man and your son deserves to have a happy, independent mother.

Make no mistakes, if you let him be like this to you, he will be the same with your son and that is the last thing you want.

Please don't go back to him.

You think it's over?

Sweetheart, for your own sake, and your child's, it has to be.

Contact Women's Aid now and don't even think of moving to be anywhere near this arsehole.

There is something very wrong with this man.

"Ds is the best thing to ever happen to me, I'd do anything for him,"

would you? really? the best thing you can possibly do for your son is this: do not allow him to grow up in this abusive situation, do not allow him to see his mother being treated like shit by some headfuck monster, do not allow yourself to be worn down by a man who's only aim is to break you so that he can feel a bit less inadequate himself.

you don't love this man, except maybe in the way an abused dog loves it's master (sorry). Love is equal, kind, gentle, respectful, protective and brings happiness. What you feel for this man is not love -he wants you broken - how could it be love? You love the man he pretended to be when you needed him. That man is not real. The drunken tosspot who takes money from his child's mother for booze is the real him. Give yourself a chance to find out what love really is.

Get way and have nothing more to do with him. Call women's Aid and get help. If you love your child and want to protect him from harm you will protect yourself from this "man".

Thank you all for your advice, I'd put up with anything from him myself but I can't have my son growing up with this, he is worth so much more.
He turned up earlier, glossed over last night and pretended it never happened and twisted what he'd said. I still had the texts though so he couldn't do what he normally does. I told him we can't get back together and that I meant it this time.
I have to move but I'll be closer to my mum. I wish I could change it now as he told me he's already got everyone on side there.
Still reeling from your posts, I'd never said any of it out loud before, I can't get my head around it being abuse. I just know I don't want it for my son.
I feel so worthless, I don't know how he still has some kind of spell over me, as he left I wanted to apologise to him and promise to go back onto tablets if he'd take me back. But I didn't. Even now I still feel I've wronged him, I want to grovel to him, if it wasn't for ds I would. I don't know whats wrong with me.

what's wrong with you is you have no self esteem. That's all, it can be fixed but if it isn't you will give yourself a life of pain and your son not the best upbringing.

The Women's Aid people do courses I think.lease call them.

And listen - first step is this: next time fuckwit tells you he "HAS EVERYONE ON SIDE" tell him you don't care2 fucks about the opinions of anyone who would be stupid enough to be so easily manipulated by him. Tell him you can see right through him now and so will everyone else.

Be strong for your DS - he is depending on you to limit the malign influence of this creep.

Why do you have to move if you don't want to? Because you've given notice on your home? Find another. Because you've put down some sort of deposit? Accept the money is gone.

Move away from this monster or you will never be happy. You will have a miserable life. You have the chance to avoid this, to escape. Take it.

:( I've left him surely thats the start.

it certainly is a start, ItWas :)

The next step is to work on your feelings of self-worth so you can feel confident in your actions and realise that YOU are doing the RIGHT THING for you and your DS. That this "man" is only going to make your life worse if you let him back in.

If you need to move back to where your mum is, that's fine. Chances are that:
a) he can't possibly have spoken to everyone there
b) he hasn't managed to convince "everyone" to be on his side
c) half of them couldn't care less in either direction

If you can manage to see a counsellor, you will find it of enormous benefit. In the meantime you must phone Women's Aid to get advice and help on how to keep this "man" out of your life as much as possible. Sad though it might be for your DS, it might be better if he never takes much interest in his son - that would remove a potentially damaging source from your DS's life.

You can cope with this, you know. You have been brainwashed, that's all, into thinking that you are in the wrong the whole time and that this "man" is somehow good and right. Start thinking about all the bad things he did without the rose-tinted goggles of "love" and you'll start to see more clearly what a complete piece of knobcheese
he is.

You haven't exactly got away from him though, have you?

still giving him money
still letting him upset you
still believing/listening to what he says
still wanting him back if only he could pretend to be nice for 5 minutes
still "love" him

you've got a way to go OP...

He called you a cunt. You, the mother of his son.

That would kill it stone dead for me.

You do not need this man. You are worth so much more OP.

it sounds like a very immature relationship.

you need to start looking at your life as a gorwn up woman and mother, rather than a cast member of eastenders.

in other words, if you want to be in the middle of drama, you will be.

if you want to be free of the drama you can take reasonable steps to do so.

My first step for instance would be to cut contact, change phone numbers.

i would rather eat shit than beg for help of someone like him, you are doing nothing but giving your power and dignity away in this situation.

I wouldnt move closer to him. however the way you speak of him getting everyone on his side, sounds like council estate syndrome where everyone is in each others pockets. perhaps you can move closer to your relatives without being in the small world he has created where he lives. certainly even 1/2 a mile can make a differnce in towns such as these and it might only be a bus ride toy our mums.

Itwas, you were/are in an abusive relationship, just because he doesn't hit you doesn't mean he is not abusing you. It is good for yourself and your son to be away from him.
Have a wee look here

I second Custy, cut all contact. then make a break for good.

OP, what exactly does he do that makes him so loveable?

Do you really "love" him, or are you just of the opinion that you're worth nothing better?

He sounds like the lowest form of man to me...

Oh love, I do feel for you. I totally get the sense of unreality and quick sand that happens when someone acts like something hasn't happened, or twisted it so you end up apologizing.

I don't really have any answers, as I am in the middle of awfulness myself and trying to see my way out of the life/ relationships I've got myself into. However, here's two things that have marginally helped me - at least got me to a place that means I can start questioning why I want to stay with my dh ... not sure of the answer yet, although it seems so clear to everyone else, its not from in my skin

1. write stuff down, either on mumsnet or some other place, as it validates your own reality and stops you getting confused about who is right/ wrong and the importance of what's happened.

1. really think about what exactly it is that you love about him, now, the man he is today [not how he once was, or was before, or is occasionally, or is at his best].

A friend once told me that the difference between us is that I seem to divorce behaviour from feelings, so dh could treat me however he liked [horribly], and my feelings would remain the same [love]. She said that her feelings were always affected by the behaviours of people, and seemed astonished that mine weren't. IU think hers is the healthier way of being - unconditional love isn't all its cracked up to be.

Anyway, I'm the last person who should be giving advice, but recognised your name from another thread so wanted to say something - feel empathy

Oh and also... this move back to yours and his home town, is it absolutely definate - do you really have to?

I think you'll be moving to a place where you'll feel trapped and scared everyone will be 'on his side', not good for your mental health or wellbeing at all.

Is it a small town, any chance of avoiding the people he hangs out with?

Unconditional love is for young children, no one else.

Yes msboogle, I agree!

Its hard to understand that if you've been conditioned throughout your life that 'family/ partners' deserve unconditional love off you, although don't seem to give it in return. If you secretly believe that its that 'one rule for them, another for you' then there is nothing to stop people treating you very badly .

I know that because I can't seem to treat myself as well as I treat others - and mixed that up with the 'unconditional love' thing.

For a long time I thought that giving him unconditional love made me the better person, but now I see it just made me the more vulnerable person who wouldn't stick up for themselves - i suspect you may be the same?

... would he love you if you treated him like he treats you?