He's turned on me.

[ItWasADarkAndStormyNight]

I've posted about my relationship with H/Ex-H before under various usernames, things have got nasty.
I still love him, I think it's over and that can only be a good thing for ds, just wish I could make myself stop loving him.
He moved out when ds was a few weeks old, he's been out drinking most nights with his friends since then and I've begged him on many occassions to come and help me. I've rang him up in tears many times, ds has reflux and screams a lot, he's just been ill too. He'll say no he's had a drink and can't drive or just say no.
He asks me for money everytime he comes over and if I say no he tells me he won't come and see ds again so I end up agreeing.
He shouts and swears at me, calling me a bitch and a cunt, he tells me I'm lazy. I've had mental health problems before, and he tells me I'm crazy and ds will be taken off me, he tells me his dad thinks this too. I'll get angry at him for not helping and he says it's my fault, that I'm mad. He says things and goes back on it and when I ask him he says I'm making it up and it's just another example of how mental I am.
He's now telling everyone I'm a 'psycho cunt' and spreading that it is my fault and I can't cope.
Last night he text me several times saying divorce me bitch.
I'll get furious with him and decide that it's over but then next time he comes round he'll say he does love me and twist everything until it's my fault and I end up apologising to him and promising I'll be better.
I've already arranged to move back to the town we are both from and can't do anything about it now, he's telling everyone lies about me and turning people against me and I'm terrified that no one will talk to me now and I'll only have him.
I think it is over, I'm writing this to get it down in black and white, because he makes me so confused I end up taking the blame for everything and can't think straight.
I just feel utterly worthless. He said the only reason he got together with me is because he felt sorry for me.
He used to be so nice, he took care of me for a long time, since I started doing better he's changed. I used to get panic attacks and not go out, he used to look after me, sometimes I think now that he quite liked that. He used to take my money and my card and I wouldn't be allowed it, he'd give me £20 a week and kept the rest.
After the baby was born and I coped and I went out with him and I tried to get on he just turned, I don't know him anymore. He was so lovely sometimes, I don't know who he is now at all.

Don't you think that a man who loves his son wouldn't threaten not to see him unless you gave him money, ie you have to pay him to visit his baby? What child needs a "father" like that?! Even the fact that he moved out when the baby was small, that shows he puts himself before his own child. Don't you think that's disgusting? A child deserves parents who love him more than anything else.

Love is a bit of a trick played by Nature. We can't help how we feel. For now, you have to accept that you'll miss that horrible man because you're used to him, even the bad bits are familiar to you. It's hard, but you'll get through it, really you will - I'm not being callous. It gets better. But meanwhile, the thing you can control is what you do. And what you know you have to do is protect your precious baby. You need to stay sane and you need to make a life for his sake. Eventually you will see how much better it is for you as well.

Thanks everyone for your replies, I am feeling calmer today and can look at things a little more objectively.
Dione Thank you so much for that link, my dad was physically abusive and mentally, however I'd only ever dealt with and concentrated on the physical abuse, ex-h made me feel, and explicitly told me, that he was saving me from that abuse and so it never occured to me that he would perpetrate his own. That article was like someone had written about the last 6 years old of my life and I am shocked and appalled. Still shaking from reading it, I'm going to go over it again.
I'm really not an eastenders person, I don't thrive on drama and that isn't what this is about. I wrote yesterday whilst extremely upset and it was the first time I'd collected these behaviours together in my mind, let alone told anyone else. It sounds odd but I'd seperated each awful thing he's done in my mind and excused each one for something else that had been going on at the time. This is what he does and I've actually come to think like this too which needs to stop.
My achilles heel has always been others peoples thoughts of me, whilst depressed I have always been convinced that other people think badly of me, that people think I'm essentially a 'bad' person and that I deserve to be punished. I've had years of counselling, some of which he has attended as 'support' so he well knows this, I think I can see now that this is why he has done little else but told me how badly everyone thinks of me since I split up with him and his constant references to people being on his side. Sounds so obvious written down in black and white. I feel incredibly stupid for not seeing it, he's always been such a figure of trust for me that I don't think my mind was capable of linking it all up before today. How very very stupid of me.
I have sat and thought this morning about what it is I love about him, I think the sad truth is that I have loved that he will 'put up' with me. I felt rescued by him and the sense of gratitude has permeated every part of our relationship. Running paralell to these thoughts has been an overwhelming feeling of need to protect him, he is also from an abusive background and is quite vunerable, I have always wanted to care for him.
It's been such an odd relationship I'm starting to see, his father like role with me, protecting yet punishing me and playing out all the torment my own dad inflicted. At the same time I have mothered him. I've carefully diverted conversations to things he likes to talk about to avoid his moods, I've walked on egg shells for 6 years. Constantly trying to divert any unpleasantness and pandering to his every mood. I've enjoyed spoiling him and buying him presents as he's told me no one ever has before. My whole universe has revolved around him, of course he is upset by the arrival of the baby and the shifting of my priorities.
Thank you Aisiesusie, sorry to hear things are not good for you either.

Good for you, darkandstormy

It sounds like you're really taking a clear look at this - and I'm so glad your priority is yourself and your DC

You know where we are when you need support

Have you thought about counselling for yourself? You've obviously had a really rough ride and it may help you to consolidate your thoughts and give you strength

Itwas: Let's have a clear picture of quite what a disgusting human being your XP is, shall we? He deliberately consciously targeted an abused teenage girl, told her he was her saviour, then proceeded to abuse her some more. Because destroying, or trying to destroy vulnerable people is what makes him feel good.
That's the bottom line.
There's a bit of a stereotypical character of the man who is a secular saint outside the home but vile to his partner behind closed doors - the thing is, that stereotype is shaky these days as more and more people are becoming aware of abuse and also abusers like this man don't do anything liek as good a job of hiding their vileness as they think. Other people may agree with the angry nasty bully to his face when he is ranting on about how the woman he has brutalized 'drove him to it', but when he's gone they are more likely to be saying to each other 'What a shit he is, that poor woman.'

Itwas, there is a mumsnet support thread for what you are going through here It has been a source of relief and strength since I looked at it. I hope it can be the same for you. Life is hard for you at the minute, but you are not alone and the more emotional distance you can put between yourself and this man, the stronger you will get and the better your life will become. Good Luck.

Thanks again for your replies. Feel like I've been wandering around for years in the dark and the lights just been turned on. Completely shocked.