18 again I think - But Hard To Start Again

[wheredidthe18yearoldgo]

Namechanged for this / please don't out me

I don't know where to start with this but got to start somewhere I suppose.

A summary.

I don't remember a happy home. My mum had a lot of issues when I was a teen, this being linked to family issues that she had which to some extent have affected me as well. After a lot of turmoil, she left when I was 17.

I left home at 18 and had two great years at uni, the time of my life really.

She died when I was 21. It was traumatic and my family find it hard - it was never discussed.

As I got older, I became anxious and found it hard to be happy. I was in a relationship with someone who was not strong and I became the one that was responsible for the family.

After 20 years, something happened that hit me hard (a death similar to my mother's). I had counselling briefly and it helped a bit.

Later, my relationship with my husband deteriorated and my DS started to dabble with things he shouldn't have dabbled with. His issues are now significant.

My husband left a year ago after an affair which he was in denial over and during which my DS deteriorated considerably. I had a year of hell, dealing with a gaslighting H and a child in crisis and not sure what to do for the best for my child.

One year on, I am leading a double life. I am frightened by what my DS is doing. I have looked for and taken every kind of help available but he is no better. In parallel I have realised that I am so much happier without XH, he sucked the life out of me. When I am not dealing with DS's issues I feel like I am 18 again and want to feel and enjoy life again as I did for those couple of years rather than living life as I do know. But it's hard, I am enjoying myself quite a lot but find it hard to have fun and shake off what has happened since I was 18. How do I let myself go and truly enjoy life as I so want to do?

It's hard to explain this to anyone sorry - try this link, it may help you understand a little. The words there have really upset me.

This is not really an area where I have much experience but I didn't want you to think that nobody was reading your post.

You seem to have a hard time and there are people on Mumsnet with similar experiences who I'm sure will be able to help you. They will be along soon

Thanks, I just can't stop crying

Could someone talk to me please

bump

maybe some counselling could help you?

I do see a counsellor. Mainly about DS although we touch on other stuff

It's really helpful, but there's a lot to get out and it all runs pretty deep I think. I think that the issues with DS mean that there is a lot of extra day to day stuff to deal with that makes healing difficult

Sorry you are feeling like this, your tears now is your release ,all part of your healing,i think it is because your mind is celebrating that you are nearing your answers and because you have been on such an emotional road for so long the actual thought of respite and "peace in our time"is overwhelming.Ru goin to counselling ?I think weekly sessions with a good counsellor will help you thru this final furlong You have most of your answers ,the pieces of the jigsaw ,you just need tol put the final pieces in the right places to see the whole picture.I think the feeling like 18yo bit is about life b4 negative issues ,when you started to take responsibility for things that were out of your control ,this way of thinking has lasted a very long time,i dont think necessarily you are feeling 18yo perhaps you are just feeling positive and free and for once you are allowing yourself to feel this way and the excitement of this joy reminds you of your youth.But you can enjoy life whatever age you are remember there is no law against it LOL!Thing is lots of people never get the chance of emotional freedom like you are nearing towards ,you are doing this for yourself ,throw off your chains ,rise up and feel life run thru you today ,it is a gift not a punishment ,allow yourself to break free ,allow yourself to celebrate your inner child tell her that you love her everyday,you dont have to fight her anymore ,to loathe her ,to be angry at her ,just nourish her ,embrace her .be proud of her ,treat her like you would a good friend ,she has always been there for you but sometimes you blamed her or ignored her well invite her to the party now and make her feel loved ,you are going to be unstoppable and have a youthful attitude always what a gift that is ,you can still feel ,enjoy it celebrate it dont try and hide it !!Lots of luck ,loads of this i can identify with so very autobiographical ,take from it what you need but find the final pieces of your puzzle cos you are nearly there x

I think I am getting there - you are right

Sometimes I really feel that I can enjoy myself and start to do wild things

But upset this morning because DS was so bad last night and I am so frightened for him, just crushes me inside

And when he's like that he can be quite nasty which makes me feel like I'm under attack

I'm going to the counsellor once every couple of weeks

He thinks I'm fine and strong

And I can do it a lot of the time. But DS is so bad now. I had a great time yesterday and then he walked in - just awful, my stomach sank, felt desperate all evening

I also think its a habit we have to break all the negative self talk that we have done for years but by the sounds of it you are having good times as well, its just a bit inconsistent but you will get more good bits and less bad bits .Back soon away to drop of dcs x

Where sorry to read your post it sounds like a long journey and as Patience says proper authentic happiness is within your grasp.

I am no sort of counsellor but it seems there are 2 issues here one is your ds problems which you have done everything you can to help with but without success and the other the emotional baggage from your childhood and marriage.

No wonder you are crying

I wonder if the counselling you are doing is targeted enough for what you need. I too had childhood stuff and after some difficult sessions with a hypnotherapist/psychotherapist which was definitely not counselling my life has been transformed. If you have periods of feeling 18 again ie carefree and happy this suggests you are capable of happiness but maybe need some help at the final furlong as Patience put it.

Wrt to your ds I am sorry I have no advice but I do think once you are mentally in a strong sorted place you are better equipped to deal with any problems in life.

Just a thought but have you posted on the Teen section on MN I presume he is a teen ?

I am having some good times. But I still find it hard to let myself go and feel happiness. I do think the 18 year old is coming out, or big glimmers of her anyway. But I look at my life and htink how the f* did I get here.

I think I want a different life now and am not sure that the one I have is what I want. Got a good job (all a bit meaningless), a lot of kind friends (but fairly superficial conversations with them and I don't think they have the emotions and feelings about life that I have). I've got the Eat, Pray Love feeling IYSWIM.

Thanks Getting. I have posted there a few times but not regularly. TBH, it can be so depressing talking about what's happening with him also that sometimes it's easier just to try and focus on getting through life.

MAybe you're right about the counselling. But the guy I see is very good and does make me feel good mostly. His view seems to be that I am wonderful, strong and fine, that I've come a long way and that there are just a lot of things going on in my world that anyone would find it hard to cope with

The two things that are bothering me now are.......

1. DS, will it ever work out ok?

2. Making a new life for me. I've had a few conversations with someone recently that have taken me back to the 18 year old I can be. And I'm standing looking at the fun I want to have and just am finding it hard to totally grasp it. It's hard to explain.

I watched a tv programme last year about a guy who's son had died tragically many years ago

20 years on, this guy is a musician. He said that when he's on stage he often pauses and says he doesn't feel he has the right to be happy, he feels guilty. That's how I feel too.

I totally get that and I think a lot of people feel the same way at different times in their lives hence the wealth of stuff out there in various forms dealing with the how did I get here feeling.

I take it a year travelling is not on the cards ?

The great thing about your situation is that you do have the freedomn to evaluate your life and decide to make changes where you need to but it does take courage to break out of the conventionality of our lives. I posted elsewhere that after a divorce its important to be an "I" for a while before being a "we" so that you can discover what you really want out of life.

After a year on your own (you dont mention a partner so I am assuming this)you are now really getting that life is short what do I really want to be doing etc .

Of course this flight to freedomn is being hampered by your ds . Without knowing the detail coupled with no experience of this I dont know what you can do but there must be somewhere to get support /advice because this is not a unique problem.

Where you are a strong woman who needs to prioritise your own happiness and if your counsellor thinks you are fine but you know you have further to go on this then maybe it is time to look for a different one no matter how great they have been to date.

xpost its the Eat Love Pray thing I get

A year travelling is what I need.

But I'm on my own with kids and with one of those in total crisis it's just not an option. XH vaguely around but weak, pays no money. Have to pay mortgage, look after DS, get divorce sorted.

Don't know if you read the book but the idea of going to Italy for a year to eat pasta and learn italian for sheer frivolity sounds like heaven. I'm hope the film doesn't spoil the image I got from the book.

I have been EVERYWHERE for support for DS. I have learned unfortunately that once a child is over 18 and doesn't want help you're shafted.

Just to say your troubles with your son will upset you ,you are a loving mum ,you want to protect him from this destructive place he is in ,but you can only control yourself and love him til he comes out the other side of this.Get as much support as you can regarding this ,self help groups with other people going thru the same with their dcs ,it will bring you strength.Good you are seeing counsellor hope he helps with ds issues.Underline to him that you need to find ways to help u cope with seeing ur son like this.But you are at the top of the list and your light and love will shine over your family ,take care ,away to make some brekkie x

Well you need to start letting go of the dont deserve to feel happy bit.Course you bloody do!!!That is the negative self talk speaking ,instead praise yourself fotr feeling good ,i am going thru a divorce myself and everyday i wonder how the f**k did this happen,but it has ,i am a single mum now and i have pledged that i am going to be a bloody brilliant one .I have strict boundaries that i dont spread myself too thin,i just do the necessary and carry on.When i have bad days i just sit with the emotion and ball my eyes out ,but i dont blame anyone anymore ,instead i recognise the patterns and feel proud i have broken the cycle of dysfunction that was my life .Im not selfish but i only do the necessary regarding others.I have learnt who my real friends are thru this and the proper gutsy people in my life.You just keep supporting your ds ,you always hurt the ones you are closest to and you will be bearing the brunt but you will dig deep to find your peace and he will know this ,try and stay positive so the relationship doesnt break down.Do you have good days with ds aswell ?We have responsibilities but we can break free and enjoy our own selves too ,we need to make time for ourselves and see ourselves as individuals ,you are a shining star !

There are some ok days with DS but it's hard to know as his world is a fairly secret one. The best days are when I'm strong and able to bring a happy vibe to the home. The home is much much happier than when my H was here but I still have bad days when all of the DS stuff gets on top of me, especially when I am confronted with terrifying situations or when I find out things that he has done.

I do do a lot to make me happy. And the fear and enxiety of the past has really gone except when I have a DS event. But pure, unadulterated fun is what I want and I still stand on the adge of that much of the time and find it hard to jump in. And the grown up, responsible part of me says ffs, you are responsible for your family, you've got a child in crisis - take life seriously and live up to your responsibilities.