18 again I think - But Hard To Start Again

[wheredidthe18yearoldgo]

Namechanged for this / please don't out me

I don't know where to start with this but got to start somewhere I suppose.

A summary.

I don't remember a happy home. My mum had a lot of issues when I was a teen, this being linked to family issues that she had which to some extent have affected me as well. After a lot of turmoil, she left when I was 17.

I left home at 18 and had two great years at uni, the time of my life really.

She died when I was 21. It was traumatic and my family find it hard - it was never discussed.

As I got older, I became anxious and found it hard to be happy. I was in a relationship with someone who was not strong and I became the one that was responsible for the family.

After 20 years, something happened that hit me hard (a death similar to my mother's). I had counselling briefly and it helped a bit.

Later, my relationship with my husband deteriorated and my DS started to dabble with things he shouldn't have dabbled with. His issues are now significant.

My husband left a year ago after an affair which he was in denial over and during which my DS deteriorated considerably. I had a year of hell, dealing with a gaslighting H and a child in crisis and not sure what to do for the best for my child.

One year on, I am leading a double life. I am frightened by what my DS is doing. I have looked for and taken every kind of help available but he is no better. In parallel I have realised that I am so much happier without XH, he sucked the life out of me. When I am not dealing with DS's issues I feel like I am 18 again and want to feel and enjoy life again as I did for those couple of years rather than living life as I do know. But it's hard, I am enjoying myself quite a lot but find it hard to have fun and shake off what has happened since I was 18. How do I let myself go and truly enjoy life as I so want to do?

It's hard to explain this to anyone sorry - try this link, it may help you understand a little. The words there have really upset me.

Thats the thing you have to work on the balance between the school prefect mum [perfect and highly organised]and the free spirit mum ,that has the odd bunk up with someone entirely unsuitable long term just for fun[this is my own plan].Also dont do the housework for 3 days lol just eat tropical fruit or paint a picture or something sensorial ,life is too bloody short to stress about all the responsibilities ,but you said it your self when you are happy your glow radiates thru the house so next time you feel it drain away keep a diary to help fight the doom !I think now ,how bloody dare they burst my bubble ,piss off I'm trying to find my inner peace !!!!You are experimenting like a teenage girl again how bloody fantastic is that ,think of all the new things you can do to enjoy yourself ,but you have to make it happen !!Remember it is an experiment though so some things might blow up in your face but as long as you take the right safety precautions you will be fine .This thread is so good im inspiring myself lol!I forsee a great week ahead for both of us we have to try one experiment everyday this week and when you feel the doom making you doubt things just tell it to piss off ,we have work to do and no time for black clouds Frivolity is my aim ,i had too much rebellion in my youth and not enough frivolity ,i hope you will join me on my quest .Disclaimer THIS DOESNT MAKE ME A BAD MUM!Just a happier one x

The best days are when I'm strong and able to bring a happy vibe to the home.

Which is why I think your priority should be getting more targeted therapy so that you feel like you are 18 all the time and not feel bad about it.

As Patience said maybe get involved in support groups more even if you are doing that without your ds . It may not solve any problems but at least help you cope emotionally.

Sorry I wish I had more constructive advice

Would it help to get DS away too?

Perhaps you could both go away to some kind of retreat/theraputic community place in the country. Even for a couple of weeks? It might break a cycle that he is in.

Yes it would help to get DS away but unfortunately it's more or less impossible to get him to go anywhere. I've had some traumatic times trying to take him away before and to be honest I wouldn't try again at the moment.