Passive aggressive -how to deal with

[justonemorethen]

I am a single mum with a boyfriend. It's been 6 years!
It works well on some levels but as we actually live two separate lives it's doesn't feel that real.
I told him recently (thanks to advice on here really)that we need to move forward or it's over. He agreed and said he would love to marry me and or live with me.He didn't propose and after looking round some houses hasn't put forward any plans in that direction.Anyway..
I was meant to stay the night at his Friday (myself and DS). After school DS myself and him went into town. DS had headlice and I needed to get lotion. He took DS to look at magazines and brought one for him and one for us me then took us out to dinner.
After dinner (about 6pm) I decided I couldn't be bothered having to pack an overnight bag (so tedious 6 years later) and do headlice stuff at his.Ds was tired and wanted to go home. I can see that DB was pissed off and I thought he had a valid point as he had been looking forward to it.
He said that he wasn't cross (could see he was) and said "see you later". Still haven't heard from him. It's not long but I know he'll do rugby in the morning so we won't do anything all weekend.
Very fed up of him not being upfront about what's happening. He'll pretend nothing was amiss if I ring him (although I know we would have done something today if I'd stayed last night).
If I do nothing and call his bluff then he'll ignore me for days and then phone me like nothing was wrong.
It's like we have been dating 6 months rather than 6 years.
Anyone come up with something I can say when he pretends there was never a problem....

Sorry, I don't understand what's passive aggressive here, but I do think he's not that into you

Are you into him?

Sorry , i dont think hes into you either. I dont like this sort of game playing and ive had the exact same problem recently .You say he wont phone you for days and this is because you chose to go home . Thats nasty , petty , and an attempt to bully. In short youll be punished because you wouldnt do as he wanted , ie, stay at his , but he,ll phone you when HE feels like it and expect everything to be ok.

Id be busy for the next however long , unless he wants to be an adult and have a proper conversation about it.

If this is a regular occurance i would scrap the moving in together on that basis alone , its really not a good sign.

He's Just Not ThatInto You. He's not prepared to make much effort, is he?
There's nothing actually wrong with having a longterm relationship with someone that doesn;t involve moving in or marrying, but if you want to marry/live together/have more DC then I think it's unlikely that it's going to happen with this man. He's going to carry on for as long as he can saying he 'didn't get round to it' WRT looking at houses because he is happy with things the way they are, and only sulked the other night because he thought he was on for a shag.

I want to ask grannieonabike's question: Are you into him?

Seems like you're both playing games, or something.

You decided not to pack the bag and stay the night - a clear way of signalling a withdrawal, and a disengagement - he responds by sulking. Not overly surprising.

I'm guessing you didn't pack the bag because you're pissed off that he's not made any more signs, or not enough, on the moving-on-to-the-next-stage-of-commitmnet thing, and you wanted him to react to your signal of withdrawal of affection/commitment with a big display of how into you he is.

Unsurprisingly, he hasn't done it.

How are things going on the house-hunting? Be honest, is it just him dragging his feet? Are you leaving it to him, as a test? Is he dragging his feet, and you're waiting for ... somethign that will tell you, finally, this is over?

If it's the latter, you two could spin this game out a long time. If you're , secretly, also having second thoughts ... well, maybe have them quickly.

How do you feel? What do you want? Do you like him? what about him do you like? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him? What do you want from life? Who would be your ideal partner? Would your life have just one partner? all these are good questions to ask yourself.

Animula - I always ask the same question.

I didn't pack a bag because it was already 6pm and DS needed to have a bath,put on the nit lotion, wait 10 mins blah blah blah followed by me doing the same.Then packing a bag which is 15 mins of running around finding nice night clothes and stuff for the next day (invariably there is something missing).It's so tedious having to do it after being with him 6 years.

I always feel better off for being with him though and he's good for DS. I don't know if I do actually fancy him, I think you are right in saying it might be a test. It's such an apart sort of relationship I don't know if it much matters.I'm not actually unhappy but just bored.

Perhaps it really has run it's course.

Still don't know how to say it though.I know he'll still ask if we can do the holiday we booked (half term) and organise my 40th

He doesn't sound worth the upset tbh.

Is it time for the list? Of "pros" and "cons? One of my friends has an "apart" relationship. Actually, she's had two; which makes me think she actually rather likes "apart" relationships. The first one ended because she felt the "apart" signalled lack of commitment on his part. The second is working because it's a distance-induced "apartness". I suspect she wouldn't like someone living in her pocket, and so wants somebody who is at-a-distance but committed. Not so easy to find, surprisingly, because we seem to follow a narrative of thinking commitment=living together.

So that's back to what you want. You sound fed up, and the only way to get through that, I suspect, is to think very hard about what it is you want, and whether you are likely to get it.

This is a question, because I really don't know the answer. Imagine if you were to take on all the work of moving towards living together, would it "work"? ie. would it bring you what you want? would it leave you feeling bereft in some way? Do you think it would "work"? I sense you have doubts, what are they? I'm wondering if it's significant that this is coming up as you approach a "milestone", your 40th birthday, which tends to be where we pause and consider the path we've travelled, and where we want to be going.

Lists are good, you know. They're bizarre, but they can be surprisingly informative. And you can try a list of all the things you want out of life, too.

God you're good, animula

I like the apart bit as both DS' dad (in the navy) and current BF work abroad alot. I'm used to it and like being a messy cow the freedom. Perhaps that's the problem? With just the one (and parents up the road) I have nearly as much freedom as a single girl. I'm not one thing or another.

Right will do lists as soon as.

I think you have answered your own question! You don't know if you fancy him,you don't seem that keen. "Being good for DS" is not really a reason to stay with a guy.

I don't think this is a case of being passive aggressive ( and come on, none of us are psychoanalysts!) more that neither of you is being open or assertive enough about your needs.

You say you want more, yet constantly let him slither off the hook of committing to anything more. is this becasue you aren't sure either or you are afraid he will run?
Packing a bag is too much effort.
If you are not having great sex after only 6 years then honestly, how will you last another 35?

Sounds to me like the whole thing is not destined to be permanent and you are both better off by acknowledging this and moving on.

Purplepeony

I think it's more that needs change as the years tick by. He used to stay at mine for the first year as he lived the other end of the country.I had no problems packing a bag for maybe the first 4 years...it's just seems silly after 6. I just need something else now either with him or without.

Don't think my life as a single mum would have half as much fun without him. I did/do fine on my own but with him all the nice extras like holidays and wine are possible and there's been lots of both.

My baby days are over realistically so it's more about enjoying my sons childhood.

Can I just say he did ring to let me know he was in London all day tomorrow if I wanted his car.
I said thanks (mines just been scrapped and I have Uni tomorrow)and did he want to come for supper. He agreed and asked if I needed anything. I said a few extra potatoes.

He came round this afternoon with a 2.5kg bag of spuds, a punnet of strawberries,ice cream, a bottle of wine and The Sunday Times!
No mention of Friday or anything and said he'd see me at 7.30 for dinner. .It really feels like date number 6 rather than year number.

To be really blunt, staying with a guy because he gives you holidays and wine is not good enough.

Rather than you 6th date, it sounds more like an old married couple who are not that fussed over seeing each other.

Why did you expect him to talk about Friday? If it's on your mind, then why not talk to him?

Things either go forwards or backwards. it does sound as if this is going backwards.

You have to ask the basic questions- is he a commitment phobe? or is he just not wanting to commit to you?

If he won't commit then sorry, but you need to move on.

so, when tou are togrther on holiday he does the same? Because after six years this couldn't possibly be your first holiday together?

I've known couples who have carried on the 'engagement' for decades. Do you want to be one of these?

Sorry about so many questions. But your subsequent posts seem to suggest that you just aren't into him.

celicfairy101

re engagement -Aaaaahhh I don't know!!! That's why I'm here going on and on.

I did mention Friday when he was here and said "well you are tricky" like it is a positive. That's what I mean about it being like a new relationship..he only see's the good.

We holiday a lot because his job lets us and because I really loved to travel before DS. He always traveled because of his work but says he never had a holiday before he met us.So that's a plus for both of us.

Would I be with him without the lifestyle..probably not but then he wouldn't be the man I'm with would he.

To date my list goes;

Walks oddly, passive/aggressive (won't argue,sulks),tries too hard,

Really good holidays,nice clothes,wine,tries hard.

I am being too fussy,am I selling out,am I a prostitute as someone described me? And does it matter in the end? Won't my one true love find me anyway whether it be the man I'm with or someone else.

What do I gain by leaving? Apart from letting everyone on MN get some peace?

your last sentence made me smile.

I would love a relationship like the one you describe

I think the big problem is that you have convinced yourself, or someone else has convinced you, that having a couple-relationship is compulsory therefor you want to keep this man just so you can tell everyone that you are Not Single.
There's nothing wrong with being single. Nor is there really anything wrong with having a relationship that is not moving with steady speed from one mundane landmark to the next (sex on the third date, talk of commitment after 6 months, then moving in, then marriage, blah blah). Light long-term relationships can be life-enhancing and fairly hassle-free, but you sound like you're not just not bothered about this man, but he gets on your nerves. Life is too short to spend time with people who get on your nerves when you don't have to.

Oh SGB why do you always have to assume that the poster has been "brainwashed" into wanting a relationship that is in your words coupledom? Don't you think it is a teansy bit patronisisng not to credit people with making informed choices?

I don't think your reply really addressses the OP's dilemma at all- you simply come at it from your own stance which is that you don't want a committed relationship, so you question anyone who is having problems about the need for that relationship, full stop.

OP there is nothing wrong at all in having a boyfiend who offers you material comforts that you could not afford yourself; the holidays, wine, etc etc.

But the point you seem to be missing now is that when you first posted, you wanted advice on how to make him commit. In all honesty, it doesn't sound as if you really love him which would be a disasterous starting point for any more commitment, from either of you.

Your starting point should really be whether you want him not just what he gives you materially- plenty of men can do that, but it also riles me to think that you have no ambition to provide those things for yourself, but seem set on finding a man to do that.

If all you want is a man who has money in his pocket to offer you "treats" and a type of lifestyle which you seem not to want to achieve through your own talents and hard work, what does that say about you?

PP:Because it's one of the reasons why women stay in crap relationships: the propaganda that a single woman (particularly a single mother) is a failure and needs a Man to make her life complete is fairly relentless.

Tell me about this propoganda- I seem to have missed it.

As far as i see it, there is information about everything in life ,whether its politics, child-rearing, how to keep looking young etc etc- but we do have brains to make a choice ove whatwe want.

OMG, every romantic movie and book that ever existed just about ends in the marriage of the heroine, PP. Same with all the fairy stories that girls are fed from when they can hardly speak themselves - a woman's greatest achievement is to get married. That's just two pieces of the propaganda - then there's the massive wedding industry that tells women that the highlight of their lives will be being a bride.

some books end this way but not all. I think we must read different books, TBH.

You do women a great disservice. There may be women who see their lives like this, but I don't know any really. My own DD who is 22 and has just graduated doesn't see her life this this. She wants a career and a nice house and a good car- that she has bought. yes, she has a boyfriend..but marriage as her main goal? I don't think so.

I think this is all a nonsense really. Most peole, but not all, want to find one perosn who loves them and whom they love back. Ther eis nothing wrong in that. Some people, like SGB, don't. Fair enough.

I don't think anyone really believes all the crap in wedding magazines about it being the best day of your life etc etc. Just because it is out there doesn't mean that people believe it!

No Dittany- you misquote me- though you do say in your post that I believe it exists then i don't believe it exists- so which is it?

I never used the word propoganda- you and SGB did! I think I said "information" - and by that I meant the beauty advice/ making the most of your day etc etc that is in wedding mags etc.

I think this is a culture thing really; all my friends have degrees, as I have, and we are independent women. Some of us are married, some aren't, some are divorced and never want marriage again etc. some are single and always have been. My neighbour, 47, is quite open about the fact that all she ever wanted was to get married and have kids and have no career- that's what works for her and who are you, or SGB, to say that it is not right? Or that she has been brainwashed! She'd slap you if she heard that! Don't be so arrogant!

None of my DDs friends believe/acknowledge any propoganda, as you call it.

You cannot escape the fact though that our society is based on the stable nuclear family with 2 parents , that is what is proven best for children, and that is what most people want. It's not some kind of con, or trick put about by some sector with something to gain- it's a fact that a basic human need is to be loved. If you are SGB don't want that, fine. But plenty of people do and there is nothing wrong with them.

They haven't been brainwashed and they are not so stupid to not see be able tosee through any "propoganda" if that's what you think it is.

I really don't "get" the point you are trying to make- is it that women are duped into finding a man who will save them, or is it that marriage and commitment are just not worth having?

I find it very insulting that anyone like you thinks I have been duped into choosing a lifestyle or a goal .

I'd say most people want to shag around for a bit then settle down with a monogamous partner.

There will always be people who simply don't want monogamy but ime they are in a minority, especially after age, say, 30-ish.

It isn't just women who stay in relationships for the sake of keeping the status quo - research always shows that it is women who tend to end long term relationships, not men.

So I don't think it is fair to suggest that women who are having doubts about their relationship have been brain washed by propaganda. I think it's just part and parcel of normal adult life to get involved with a variety of people and to feel happier/ more secure with one person than another.