Passive aggressive -how to deal with

[justonemorethen]

I am a single mum with a boyfriend. It's been 6 years!
It works well on some levels but as we actually live two separate lives it's doesn't feel that real.
I told him recently (thanks to advice on here really)that we need to move forward or it's over. He agreed and said he would love to marry me and or live with me.He didn't propose and after looking round some houses hasn't put forward any plans in that direction.Anyway..
I was meant to stay the night at his Friday (myself and DS). After school DS myself and him went into town. DS had headlice and I needed to get lotion. He took DS to look at magazines and brought one for him and one for us me then took us out to dinner.
After dinner (about 6pm) I decided I couldn't be bothered having to pack an overnight bag (so tedious 6 years later) and do headlice stuff at his.Ds was tired and wanted to go home. I can see that DB was pissed off and I thought he had a valid point as he had been looking forward to it.
He said that he wasn't cross (could see he was) and said "see you later". Still haven't heard from him. It's not long but I know he'll do rugby in the morning so we won't do anything all weekend.
Very fed up of him not being upfront about what's happening. He'll pretend nothing was amiss if I ring him (although I know we would have done something today if I'd stayed last night).
If I do nothing and call his bluff then he'll ignore me for days and then phone me like nothing was wrong.
It's like we have been dating 6 months rather than 6 years.
Anyone come up with something I can say when he pretends there was never a problem....

If longterm heteromonogamy is so 'natural' and 'comfortable' and 'what most people want' then why are so many people who have gone down that route so fucking miserable? WHy are so many relationships either coming to an abrupt end against the wishes of one partner, or absolutely vile to live in?

I am not at all denying that for some people the nuclear family works just fine. They have been lucky in terms of finding a partner who is a decent, non-crazy person who is equally fond of them and at the same point on the monogamy scale. Other people are doing less well out of it; they have abusive partners or marry people with whom they later realise they have very little in common because they 'love' (ie seriously fancy) the person and have been fed a longterm diet of 'Love will conquer all, love is all you need, being single is hell'.

SGB, we live in a difficult world and loads and loads of adults are miserable - full stop. I don't doubt there are as many miserable single people as there are people in bad relationships, or good relationships that have become boring.

'Breaking up is hard to do', it just is. Hope springs eternal. We hang on and hope for the best, for the sake of good memories etc. This applies to jobs, family situations too not just relationships.

I agree that there is pressure on women to get married from romantic comedies, competition with friends etc but that doesn't mean that fundamentally, most people don't want to be with somebody.

I'm the biggest anti-marriage cynic in the world, but I'd hate to be single again. I think being in a relationship is what makes me thrive, and DP too. I've done the freedom/ shagging thing. It was great. But I don't want it any more.

Dittany sorry, but you are wrong again. This is what I said. "I don't think anyone really believes all the crap in wedding magazines about it being the best day of your life etc etc. Just because it is out there doesn't mean that people believe it!"

Let me make it crystal clear- "crap" does not equal "propoganda". It's a journos point of view, written to sell mags.

Most people have the brains to realise that. But, for some people it IS the best day of their lives-and they have decided that for themselves- not some magazine journalist. Who ar you to say it shouldn't be? God?

Please stop patronising women. And men for that matter.

SGB If longterm heteromonogamy is so 'natural' and 'comfortable' and 'what most people want' then why are so many people who have gone down that route so fucking miserable? WHy are so many relationships either coming to an abrupt end against the wishes of one partner, or absolutely vile to live in?

Maybe you spend too long on MNs SGB. Relationships forums will always be full of evidence of crap relationships, but you know as well as anyone that most - 60%- of marriages last.

I feel really sorry for you SGB. Life seems to have dealt you a hand that has caused you to be bitter and cynical.

Why are you so angry with people who want to find love? Don't you?

Some people are happy single, other people like being part of a couple. Why is that so wrong?

You said," the person and have been fed a longterm diet of 'Love will conquer all, love is all you need, being single is hell'.

I am sorry to dsagree, but for many people finding love IS what they need. Not ALL they need, but part of a happy life. It's a basic human need- and nothing to do with dressing up in a meringue dress and having a bit party.

You like being single, you don't want or can't get love, but can't you stop going on about it ad allow other people to decide what suits them, just as you have decided what suits you, instead of crediting them with the intelligence of an amoeba?

dittany- I am not going to extend this thread into a discussion on other cultures and marriage. I live in the Uk and am talking about the Uk where women have free choice.

You are patronising women because you are saying they are pushed into marriage by some propoganda machine. This implies they are gullible, naive and have no ability to choose a lifestyle that suits them. Maybe you don't like to think you are patronsing, but you are.
Bit ironic really as you are basically denouncing the very women you suppossedly want to "save".

SGB - some people are just miserable, and their partner gets the blame. Some people would be perfectly happy with a different partner, but decide to live with someone who doesn't make them happy for other reasons (like OP - who seems to think that holidays and wine are a good basis for long term happiness, or just because they can't get anyone better). Some people marry someone who doesn't make them happy long term, but for cultural reasons, don't feel they can put themselves first and leave the relationship.

On the other hand, I agree little girls are brought up on stupid fairy stories showing the perfect wedding being the 'prize', nearly every romcom (which are aimed at woman) ends up with the kooky girl getting the great guy and 'living happily ever after' and the majority of 'chicklit' is similarly themed, albeit usually with shopping thrown in, so if you do want somehting different from life, it's not really made to seem acceptable.

OP - this man will not make you happy in the long term - you can either put up with this and enjoy the trapings of the relationship, or you can end it, and either be on your own, or find someone who does make you happy.

It's been 6 years, you've had the serious conversations and nothing's happened. He isn't about to wake up tomorrow and go buy a load of wedding magazines and start talking about seating plans. This is who he is, this is the limit of what he's offering you. Decide if you want that or not.

And FFS - there's a lot to be said for drinking cheap wine with someone who makes you happy, and you ain't going to meet him if your busy drinking expensive wine with a bloke who makes you miserable.

Dittany- you can't have it both ways. Your posts show quite clearly that you think that propoganda exists and that you believe people are influenced by it. I believe it doesn't exist.

These types of issues really verge on the whole issue of does the media reflect public behaviour or does it try to drive and influence behaviour? Pretty fundemeental stuff. I am quite happy to debate that as I love academic debates if they are done properly and there is evidence - not prejudice- which proves a point. Bring it on if you have that evidence!

What I won't do is be brow beaten into believing something is "fact" with prejudice based on personal preferences.

Perhaps you will begin another thread on this and show real scientific evidence for it,as I would like to know what you base your opinion on- really.

As for sticking up for marriage- I am sorry, but again, you add 2+2 and make 6.

I did not say that. What I did say is that it works for some people and that finding love is a goal for the majority of people. Whether this culminates in a legal arrangement such as marriage is another thing.

I also gave a fact that marriage lasts for 60% of couples. That is not an endorsement of it; it's a fact.

FPT

On the other hand, I agree little girls are brought up on stupid fairy stories showing the perfect wedding being the 'prize', nearly every romcom (which are aimed at woman) ends up with the kooky girl getting the great guy and 'living happily ever after' and the majority of 'chicklit' is similarly themed, albeit usually with shopping thrown in, so if you do want somehting different from life, it's not really made to seem acceptable.

There are other types of stories around for children- and adults too!

I have never read a chicklit in my life and didn't read stories to my DD where the goal was getting married or getting a man.

I think there is a propoganda aimed at women about marriage , along with a load of other stuff about how your meant to look good and be thrilled at the latest cleaning product.

I never used to notice it but see it everywhere now . I see it a lot on here when people are encouraeged to stay in a shit marriage even though theyre miserable .

Instead of proproganda, would it not be more acccurate to call it advertising? The aim of the adverts is to sell products- not necessarily change someone's way of thinking.

I might succumb to an advert for Mr Muscle, or YSL mascara, but buying either doesn't make me into some brainless bimbo who is only concerned with a clean cooker or long eyelashes!

I think this is a fascinating thread now, as it raises the whole notion of does art imitate life, or does life imitate art? and by art, I mean everything from chick lit to serious novels, to adverts for Cif.

I think the line between creating a need and responding to a need already there is much finer than you are admitting.

I have never once seen anybody encouraged to stay in a shit marriage on here.

On the chick lit thing. Chick lit is written by women, edited by women, commissioned by women and sold to women - who can presumably make a free choice on amazon the same as the rest of the population.

I personally find most chick lit loathesome, but millions of women love reading it. And lots of other women love getting rich from writing it.

It's a business, isn't it, not propaganda. Crap, low brow culture will always be with us.

Wow thanks everyone.

Can I just add (for the perspective) that since my son was 2 weeks old I have worked full time and paid for my own wine and holidays (DS and I go away on our too). He just has a job that lets me do holidays that I'd always dreamed of and frankly just aren't possible if you became a (working) single Mum at 33 with nothing.I didn't have a husband with a half a house or a high flying job because I liked doing my own thing and travel.

I was quite happy being single both before DS' Dad and since splitting up and meeting BF when DS was 6 months old.

This forum is useful because none of the rules can be applied to all women these days. Hopefully someone who has had a similar experience can relate and help you out.Or write your thesis for you.

Morris i have frequently seen women encouraged to stay in crappy relationships or told that " All men are like this ". There was a particular thread a while ago from a woman whos husband emotionally blackmailed her into sex , yelling and shouting ect. She was told repeatedly to go to the gp , it might be her hormones , she was being unfair , men need sex , she had to compromise and all men were like this. There was no mention about her husbands letcherous behaviour , she should actually just lie back and think of england , and mentioning leaving was being dramatic.

Anything sexually related is particularly bad for it. Is anyone else offended by the term " chick lit "?