I probably need a verbal slap around the face to get over this, so AF etc please line up

[JustNotThatIntoMe]

Please help me analyse this because it is driving me nuts and making me miserable. And if I need a good talking to please go ahead. Anything to help me move on.

At the start of the year, I told DH we needed to go to Relate or our marriage was over. That's a whole other thread - let's just say he's controlling and critical - and I have been on here under previous names about that.

Literally the day after he finally agreed to Relate, someone from my past contacted me via Facebook. You can see where this is going, can't you? I know, I know, he got me when I was at my most vulnerable.

I'd had a bit of a crush on him all those years ago. Turns out he'd had a bit of a crush on me too. But we both got into other relationships, both got married (him extremely happily) both had kids. Two years ago his wife dumped him without warning and took off with another man. He was devastated. He has been single since. He is a kind man, a great dad (kids prefer being with him to their mum) funny, intelligent, was there for me when I was at rock bottom in my marriage, we met once for coffee which DH knew about but I could see my head was getting turned so I asked for all contact to stop for three months so I could go through the process of Relate with a clear head.

To cut to the chase: after the three months, he contacted me. I won't lie: I was delighted. I had missed him like mad. If he had said the word, I was prepared to leave DH so I would have the opportunity to start something with him. But I didn't get the chance to tell him any of this because it all went weird. After an initial message from him where he sounded a bit bitter that according to pics on my FB profile things were going ok with DH (they weren't any better: it's just we all get good at keeping up appearances, don't we?) he stopped responding to my messages - just a simple 'hello, how are you, how have the past few weeks been?'. (He'd always been pretty instant, made it clear everything revolved around hearing from me.) I told him I felt confused. He didn't respond. I took his silence to mean he had lost interest, and told him that therefore I was deleting all his details, which I did.

I felt stupid, devastated, confused, but knew I had to move on as he was clearly over me.

Six weeks later, he contacted me again. Not with a message, but with a pic that he knew would make me laugh a lot. I responded by asking him how he was. He went quiet again. I took a deep breath and called him. He sounded awkward. He pretty much said he'd been lying low because he had felt a bit stalked... By now I was completely baffled. It was at this stage I lost my cool with him and told him not to contact me again.

That would be the end of the story except my emotions are totally getting in the way and I feel confused, stupid, appalled that I am viewed as some kind of mad stalker, angry that his mixed messaged meant I got so needy, a bit broken hearted and very baffled.

I am finding it very hard to get him out of my system because I got no closure. He wouldn't tell me where his head was at with the contact/no contact thing, despite me repeatedly asking. If he Just Wasn't That Into Me why did he initiate contact, twice? And if he felt 'stalked' why would he send me a pic a few weeks later?

Can anyone please enlighten me? My guess is that unfortunately, despite him protesting to be Mr Moral who would never get in the way of someone's marriage, he probably just wanted a shag with someone he fancied (he made that very clear) and when it became apparent it was more complex and would be a long time coming, if ever, he got bored. But WHY WHY WHY would he initiate contact again, twice? And how do I stop myself playing the game if he does it again?

I know how pathetic this sounds. Bring it on...

What jumps out at me in all this though, is that you havn't spoken of your marriage and how it is now. That's not a good sign.

As for the om, what can I say? He perhaps thought you would have jumped your marriage at the beginning and was unimpressed when you went to Relate and had counselling. Maybe he wanted an easy lay. Who cares? Do you? Really?

Closure is an overused term. Surely being called a stalker is all the closure you need?

Please decide what is going on with your marriage and forget this tosser. Your dh deserves that much.

I am baffled as to how you were supposedly stalking him when he was the one to instigate contact on each occasion, and you had deleted him from your facebook!

You did not have a relationship with this man, I think you know it was all to do with the problems with your DH - so focus on those, put this man out of your mind, and decide whether or not you want to make your marriage work.

He sounds like a nobber IMO

I agree - try again at your marriage - or if it's truly over go out there and find someone less knobbish who deserves you and won't make you run around chasing them for a simple Hello.

What a twat.

(him, not you!) :)

I am interested to know how your marriage is at the moment.

I have been in your situation before. Almost exactly, except that I did have physical contact with the OM. He hurt me very badly, and I never got closure. Sometimes even now I wonder "WHY??????". Anyway to cut a long story short, I never saw him again, and tried to work at my relationship with my then partner, but it never worked out as I was always looking for something/someone else.

Sometimes men are just cunts a mystery.

Hmmm, well tbh I think he lost interest when he realised you weren't up for no-strings sex.

How did the counseling go?

Do you think maybe you are looking for an escape, whether real or fantastic, considering the problems within your marriage?

If your husband was having, or trying to have an emotional affair, would it be upsetting for you, or would you be pleased to have an excuse to end the marriage? Because you sound really keen to start one with this chap.

I think he was probably after nothing but a bit of fun, and you scared him off. But he wanted the fun badly enough to persist with the approaches for a while.

Whatever the reason, people who prat about like this are never worth the angst. I hope you sort things out with your DH, if that's what you want - and otherwise, I hope you find someone straightforward. This guy isn't straightforward and really, life's too short.

Thanks for the replies. at Pioneer. So good to get another take on it. Relate was a bit crap because they are so insistent on being objective. I told our counselor in a one-on-one session about OM and she just tipped her head to one side and said 'And how does that make you feel?'. Not helpful.

OM was insistent he wouldn't go there (physically) with a married woman because that's what broke his own marriage up. But he said enough to turn my head and get me falling for him, told me he had finally clicked with someone he couldn't have, how he felt grief-stricken that I was going to 'leave him' for weeks on end when I suggested the three months without contact. Now I just feel like I've been had and that it was just bullshit. But was it? Why would he initiate contact, twice, since then? Oh why can't men just communicate properly? I could have handled whatever he had thrown at me, it's the silence and the not knowing that's awful.

As for my marriage, I'm trying really hard to continue to give it time and that will, at least, be easier without Him hovering in the shadows. QueeferSutherland yes I probably am looking for an escape, imaginary more than anything. I want to feel valued, appreciated, respected, loved.

DH is a good dad. He is loyal. Moral. But he is very negative which is exhausting to live with, and very critical. To be fair to him he has tried hard to curb it since we talked it through in Relate. But there is still so much resentment there on both sides, it's very easy to slide into arguments or not speaking. I would describe our day to day relationship as generally courteous and functional but certainly not fun, intimate or loving. I just keep hoping that as the children get older things will improve. But since Relate I am realistic. This is never going to be the perfect marriage. I could make it work by having enough going on outside it (friends, work, interests) to make up for the lack of intimacy but at the moment the children take up all my time and it leaves me feeling so lonely and, yes, so vulnerable to interest from an outside party. Especially a nice looking, funny, single man who shares so many of my interests and who I have so much more in common with than I do my DH.

I know I just have to move on but I'm stuck in a mode of thinking at the moment. What did I do? Hassled I probably did scare him off. But what angers me is that I didn't change the nature of my communications with him at all. After the three month break he just suddenly started taking days to get back to me. Twat. But a lovely one. Oh FUCK will you listen to me.

I think he was hurt when you went NC and to relate ...that he thought you put your dh first so it wasn't that special after all and he gave up on you...maybe

Thanks older. I definitely drove the whole 'no contact' thing and laid down 'the rules' throughout. I was very much in the driving seat, but it totally flipped when he started giving me the silent treatment and I ended up, I suspect, making a total arse out of myself with my needy pleadings for some feedback.

I just wish I could get him out of my system as no matter what the state of my relationship with DH he doesn't deserve me investing so much emotional energy on someone else. I KNOW moving on would have been much easier to do with a few answers, and that's why I am struggling. What angers me is he told me his ex wife never gave him any answers as to why she was ending the marriage, so he KNOWS how it feels to be left guessing. That makes me think he ended up on some kind of power trip.

No, I don't think you scared him off. I think he's a manipulative game player. That's probably why his wife legged it. I know you're in the frying-pan right now, but please jump far enough to avoid the fire! You had a lucky escape that time.

Have you ever had any concrete proof that his marriage was over?

its possible he has met someone else

Grace, really? You think he's a game player? I told him I thought the silent treatment was a power trip and I guess I have only heard his side of things re the marriage break up. I also noticed the vast majority of his many 'friends' on FB are women, and I started to wonder if he had built up some kind of female fan club since his divorce.

I still stings like mad that I've been played but in time I guess it will help if I think you see it like that, and I can tell myself I didn't allow myself to be played any further or be a part of his female followers.

He must have known how vulnerable I am right now. He must have been aware that contacting me then blanking me would hurt. It's hard to conclude anything else, really, isn't it? I can't keep convincing myself that somehow I was really 'special' to him because the evidence suggests otherwise. Dammit.

WWIFN yes, he has acknowledged that his marriage is over publicly on FB. He was also honest enough to tell me he just wishes he could rewind to before she left him and be happy with her.

Perhaps that's really at the heart of it. He still loves his ex wife and no one else will come close. He said he has a reputation among his friends as a 'picky fucker'.

And maybe I can't stomach it because I thought I was The One from the stuff he was saying, and nobody likes being rejected.

Ouch.

Yes, the silent treatment and the fan club are a power trip. Evidently your vulnerability set you up as a likely target. You didn't take his bait sufficiently, so he yanked your line a few more times. And you feel bad because the hook's still in there.

You'll get it out pdq, I should think :)

I've had two of these since X#2. I still get random small-hours texts from them sometimes, along the lines of "love and miss you" ... YEARS after deciding NOT to sleep with them! This doesn't mean I'm so magnetically attractive they still pine for what might have been. It means another one's wriggled off the hook so they're yanking all the lines, to see if any fish will bite again. Sad, but true.

Thanks Grace. Very well put, that the hook is still in there. I hope I get over it/him quickly. This has skewed so much of my thinking regarding my marriage over the past few months, it can only be a good thing if I can get beyond it and concentrate on my DH and our family.

It's also made me uncomfortably aware of how low my self esteem must be, and how I must get myself into a place where my happiness comes from within, instead of pinning my hopes on some man to fix it all.

Thank god it never became physical. I feel cheap enough as it is.

Grace, you've obviously got your eyes wide open, and I hope I am able to see with your clarity, should he ever decide to try and contact me again in the future. I told him no more contact and I have to mean it...

Don't underestimate yourself, lovely. You spotted all this for yourself - it's in your posts. It's much harder to be clear about it when you're in it - which, reading between the lines, applies to your marriage also. Do take care of your self-worth, it sounds understandably shaky.

You're not cheap. Don't let a selfish guy like this make you feel cheap.

This is what the stalked comment means. It means he is immature n he thought he could fancy about with somebody grounded and thoughtful and full of integrity. Then he realised he wouldn't be able to faint about according to whim, and would have to talk appropriately about an emotionally difficult situation. It means he was looking to deflect "blame" for his own tearful immaturity on to you.

So you don't need to think any more about that stalked rubbish. Put it out of your jead. Be glad that's what he thinks: it means you won't be troubled by him again and have a good reason to dislike.him.

You're not cheap. Don't let a selfish guy like this make you feel cheap.

This is what the stalked comment means. It means he is immature n he thought he could fancy about with somebody grounded and thoughtful and full of integrity. Then he realised he wouldn't be able to faint about according to whim, and would have to talk appropriately about an emotionally difficult situation. It means he was looking to deflect "blame" for his own tewatfull immaturity on to you.

So you don't need to think any more about that stalked rubbish. Put it out of your jead. Be glad that's what he thinks: it means you won't be troubled by him again and have a good reason to dislike.him.q

He's a knob. By the sound of it he was just stroking his ego by making you jump around a bit.
However, it also sounds like you are desperately casting around for someone to 'rescue' you from your marriage. It is grim living with someone who has a permanent black cloud raining over his/her head, and therefore not surprising that you went scuttling off excitedly at the first sign of someone fun being interested. However, the cure to a crap relationship is not a new relationship, it's just dumping the crap relationship. Sometimes people with crap partners find that having an affair/flirtation gives them the strength and self esteem they need to bin the crap partner - think about whether this is what's happened with you.

After all, you've only got his word for any of it. Do you know his wife? Do you know she ran off with another man, and if so, why? Do you know the children prefer to stay with him? XH would have said all those things when I left him, but the truth is a wee bit different...