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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does everyone except me have a best friend - someone you tell everything to I mean

57 replies

yellowflowers · 17/09/2010 13:35

My dh is my best friend - he is the person I tell stuff too and want to see when I have news or just to chat things over with. I also have female friends and love to see them and chat but I don't have one close female friend who knows all about my life and what is going on etc. I feel that everyone else does though - is this the case? And how do I get one? (Though am not sure I want one). I had one in the past but she moved away but we are still friends but not in a talk every day way or even every week - once a month more like it.

OP posts:

PaulineCampbellJones · 17/09/2010 15:39

I have friends that are for different purposes but not one tell everything to best friend. My oldest friend from school, work friends, friends I went to uni with etc.

maduggar · 17/09/2010 15:43

I was hurt badly by a best friend, it turned very sour and since then I have kept most friends at arms length. I have some really good friends, and socialise a lot, but I just wont share everything with just one person ever again. Except for my DH of course, he is my rock.

RaisedFromPerdition · 17/09/2010 15:48

I don't have a bf anymore. I used to but I got married and had dd while she carried on partying and drinking and smoking (I didn't do any of that really anyway). She thinks I'm a breeder and doesn't 'do' children. We speak and email and catch up but it's not the same anymore. I'd be there in a heartbeat if she needed me though and same for her but the day to day stuff is difficult as our lives are polar opposites.

If I really need somebody to talk to, there are two MNers who I turn to actually. They know more about me than anybody does and it works I think, precisely because we're a bit removed from each other (one lives a 5hr drive away, one on another continent) and so we can be utterly honest and not have to maintain any facades.

Flighttattendant · 17/09/2010 16:34

I had one for almost 15 years, but she died in the spring.

Since then I thought I had found one in (now ex) DP, but he wasn't after all.

So no - I don't have one. I was lucky to for a while though

perfumedlife · 17/09/2010 16:46

Sorry for your loss Flightattendant. I lost my best friend three years ago suddenly, it's a terrible blow I know.

hoppybird · 17/09/2010 16:47

OP, I also thought it was the norm to have close female friends - judging by this thread, it seems there are lots of people who say their dh/dp is their best friend - mine certainly is! In fact, we were each other's best friends for 3 years (in that 'Office' kind of way) before we finally left each other's partners and got together. Well, ok, there was obviously something bubbling under the surface all along...

It does seem to make sense to me that my dh is my best friend - my ex certainly wasn't, I wouldn't have chosen him as a friend at all, and looking back, I feel foolish for spending all that time with him. There was no mumsnet in those days...honestly, I have learned so much from reading the 'relationships' threads!

mumblechum · 17/09/2010 16:49

My dh is my best friend.

I have quite a lot of friends but none that I'd tell everything to.

conflicted · 17/09/2010 19:36

My DH is not my BF. I am not sure if he is any kind of friend TBH: he is more of a business partner in the running of the home and children. I am very of those of you who can honestly say your DP is your Best Friend.

I had hoped that marriage would be like a very special friendship but the reality is closer to employment.

Oh, I do have a best friend incidentally. I think everyone needs emotional closeness. My DDs are pretty like Best Friends too.

goodmanners · 17/09/2010 19:45

I had a best friend, she died at 18, 16 years later i will give no other close friend that title though i do have quite a close friend female wise. I suppose dh is it and hes a good shag too - bonus!

lazarusb · 17/09/2010 20:46

My dh is my best friend, followed by my brother. Some good female friends too but no-one who I trust with everything (past experience :().

Meglet · 17/09/2010 20:48

I don't have a best / close friend or a partner. I don't talk about things to anyone, mum sometimes but I try not to dump all my crap on her.

I have MN .

SixtyFootDoll · 17/09/2010 20:51

I have lots of friends but no best friend, I would love to have a friend who I could totally be myself with, but i think I am far too complicated for anyone to get close too!

smokinaces · 17/09/2010 20:59

I have 1 best friend who knows everything there is to know about me, and me her. We've been friends 12 years since we started working together,and stayed friends through her 3 and my 2 children, 2 marraiges, 1 divorce, various house and money problems.

However, she is not the friend I see the most. We text maybe fortnightly and are lucky if we catch up monthly (especially now we are working, me Mon-Wed, her Wed-Fri!) But there is no doubt that we are the mosthonest and open with each other.

The friends I see the most of (i.e. weeklyor more) are great, but they dont know me inside out.The only other person who used to was ex-DH

Habbibu · 17/09/2010 21:02

Have a best female friend, who's great, and other lovely female friends but the person I really confide in is DH. And vice versa.

Guitargirl · 17/09/2010 21:06

I don't have one. Am 34 - I think have grown out of that and am not looking forward to DD going through all that crap at school...

hellsbells4 · 17/09/2010 21:08

I've never had a best friend. At school I always felt a bit 'different'; and hated my teenage years.

When I got married I naively thought dh would be my best friend. But in fact he is the most emotionally distant person I have ever come across.

Mumsnet is the best emotional support I have ever had!!! And I have also used counselling on occasions. I still feel very quite sad sometimes that I never seem to be able to form close friendships.

nemofish · 17/09/2010 21:08

Lovely Dh, had we not fancied the pants off each other from the second we met, we would have been Best Friends Forever, innit.

And MN. My best female friend fecked off to New Zealand. I have a good mate who I have previously could call in tears when it All Goes Horribly Wrong, but I don't see her as much as I would like.

SO OP you are not alone...

Quattrocento · 17/09/2010 21:21

I have a gay best friend - every girl should have one. He can talk the hind leg off a donkey, be entertaining and amusing, is mostly telepathic, knows me inside out and backwards, is the perfect confidante, looks delectable in a DJ as a +1, and he can dance.

DH finds him amusing and as he's gay, not remotely sexually threatening. Perfect solution IMO

MidnightsChild · 17/09/2010 21:27

Its a horses for courses thing isn't it, or maybe its just at particular times in our lives we really need or appreciate that level of closeness.

I never got the best friend thing, but as my family moved every 2-3 years, I didn't develop the skills to maintain lengthy friendships until very late in life.

I actually have two best friends - one female and one male and I especially like having both the male and female perspective on any given situation. Also, having been through a difficult few months, I can honestly say that the experience of having such close friends has been a positive and life-changing one ... for me. Hopefully the fact that there were two of them meant the strain wasn't too great on either of them.

I'm in a relatively new relationship
where we are very open and there is lots of communication. He knows that these two people (and indeed all my friends) are very important to me and he both understands why and willingly accepts it. His only request is that there shouldn't be anything I don't talk to him about which I do talk to them about. Since we've gotten serious, this has only happened once and is what prompted him to make the request. Once I explained that I turned to (one of) them on that occasion because he'd been reticent to discuss the subject with me himself, he was re-assured. My relationship with all three is close and very honest - there's a lot of talking going on and my phone bills are large - but it really works for me.

Quattrocento · 17/09/2010 21:37

I'd be interested to hear what people think about the emotional intensity of having a best friend outside the domestic/family relationships, though.

So for instance, I talk to the GBF around 3 or 4 times a day, and I simply don't bother telling DH the same gossipy anecdotes, because, well, he wouldn't be that interested and anyway, I've already told someone once and really don't need to dissect it again.

So is that damaging to the main relationship or is it a healthy complement?

Habbibu · 17/09/2010 21:40

What you've described sounds perfectly healthy - if, however, you were confiding in GBF about issues with your DH, rather than talking over directly with your DH, I guess that would be very different. I think that would be true of any BF relationship.

Quattrocento · 17/09/2010 21:53

Oh good. Dh is off limits for discussion, really. Only fair. Although the GDF and I do spend a lot of time discussing his (the GBF's)conquests but in fairness they never last longer than a fortnight ...

hairytriangle · 17/09/2010 21:54

not really. The last best friend I had I was 12 years old, but on the other hand I do have a couple of close friends I could speak to about alot. The only person I could talk to about anything as in anything anything, is my lovely sister, who I definately count as my best friend.

expatinscotland · 17/09/2010 21:55

There are some things, woman, I'll never tell a living soul.

I think it's best if you learn to live without leaning so much on anyone living much.

But then I'm Southern and not young and I supposed I might be what you'd call a Steel Magnolia.

nemofish · 17/09/2010 22:02

I note your choice of words in your second sentence, expat.

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