Is it nornal to start disliking people more as you get older?

[thedollshouse]

I'm not sure whether I'm becoming a miserable witch as I get older, I just don't seem to have much time for people. When I was younger I always saw people through rose tinted glasses - I liked everyone unless they proved themselves to be unlikeable. As I've got older I'm more guarded and it takes a while for me to "like" someone. When I'm with friends and they gush about people they hardly know I find it very false and quite nauseating.

I also seem to have run-ins with people on a regular basis. Perhaps years ago I was a bit of doormat and let people walk over me now I speak my mind and if people cross me they soon know about it. It was easier when I was a doormat but I can't let things go like I used to in the old days. If a stranger is rude to me for no reason I have to put them in their place.

When someone is kind to me I am touched and very surprised. In my eyes the world is full of selfish twunts and an act of kindness is so lovely and so rare.

Am I becoming a wierdo as I approach 40 or is the world just full of not very nice people these days?

I find I'm simultaneously less tolerant, but more understanding. I realise why people are like they are, but am less willing to put up with it. I find the line between 'doormat' and 'speaking my mind' a difficult one to tread, and end up putting up with shit then blowing my top over something trivial, having to backtrack and apologise massively, then become a doormat for a while again!

With annoying and tedious relatives I find my head itching inside as they drone on, and revert to teenage levels of lack of understanding.

On the other hand, I'm much nicer and more genuine to people I like, and will tell them how much I like and value them.

Maybe it's as we get older we're busier and have less time for people who don't directly 'add value' (barf) to our lives, or something.

Ha - I'm 45, and (at the risk of turning into my mum) tend to feel too that society "these days" is becoming more and more selfish. There's always been selfish/rude/thoughtless people about of course but broadly speaking, I think a general lack of discipline, more leniency when people do wrong things (not just talking about how crime is dealt with, but about attitudes too towards behaviour which once would have been considered unacceptable but is shrugged off now) and less willingness for people to get involved with each other does encourage selfishness to flourish. Plus, of course, many people right now are under huge pressure (housing, jobs, money) and that kind of stress does make some people become very self centred.

Additionally, even if society hadn't changed, many of us are more realistic about things as we get older. We've got the life experience - and the confidence - to more easily identify when someone's taking the P, and to speak up about it. When I was younger I used to doubt my own opinion and feelings far more often .... was it them, or was it me ? ...... and I'd fret about confronting stuff. Personally, as I get older I am beginning to get a sense of how much time I've got left (how morbid !) and am rapidly developing a sense of "life being too short", meaning that I'm not going to waste my time, if I can possibly help it, putting up with people who don't bring anything positive into my life. In retrospect many past relationships and friendships were unhealthy in some way yet I put up with them because I was scared to make the break .... and if I think about it now, I do regret wasting so much time.

I think it's normal to be battle-scarred and disillusioned as time goes by. I'm definitely more wary and more assertive.

I don't think that people are worse than they were, but I think once you grow up and become responsible for yourself and other people, you have less capacity to absorb other people's thoughtlessness and twattery. And vice versa; you are too busy keeping afloat to dedicate yourself to being a super-duper BFF and social butterfly, whereas when we're younger we have nothing much else to do and our lives are more defined by our friendships.

If you're having run-ins with people all the time though, it might be time to recharge your batteries. Is it possible for you to plan a day to yourself, maybe visiting a beautiful place nearby, being self-indulgent and/or visiting people whose company leaves you feeling richer? Or if not a day, maybe a morning or afternoon or evening. I know that, for me, my world-view is gloomiest when I've been putting myself last and rushing around at everyone else's behest. Which is neccessary, of course, if you have kids, but a little bit of quality time out is a good investment in your mental health if you can manage it.

Thanks everyone. Glad to know its not just me!

You have all made some very interesting points. Makes a lots of sense.

Tess I think will follow your advice on having some "quality" time. A nice hot bath with a glass of wine tonight and a long country walk is on the cards for this weekend.

yes, in general i think people aren't that nice. so my good friends i really love and hang onto.

It's too dispiriting to assume the worst about everybody, I reckon. Give them all a chance. Just one, mind you!

Despite being a grumpy old bag, I think most people are nice actually. I just can't be bothered working away at friendships so much - and, FINALLY, I really don't give a flying fuck what other people think of me!

People told me this would happen, but I never dared to believe it. It's one hell of a compensation for the flab, frizz & wrinkles

Yup, I'm definitely less tolerant than my 19 year old self! (some) people do my head in!

I am finding myself less tolerant of strangers than ever, and also of people I know. I love my (immediate) family, but am finding myself keeping to myself more and having a can't be bothered attitude to the rest of the human race. This has only happened since I hot 40!

HIT 40 - am deffo not a HOT 40

Definitely not just you! I find that it's possibly more a case of not trying so hard to like people as starting to dislike them more. I don't put up with the crap that I used to either - at work or at home. I try not to get too riled about the small stuff, but there are some things I won't let by anymore - bullying being one.

I'm a right curmudgeonly old bag about noisy people, esp. Americans & shreiky children.

I find that I am more critical of people on tv/in the spotlight. People who others rave about how good looking/talented they are, Im so over that.

I am loyal to my friends but quickly see through people. Im certainly grumpier and I often wonder if its an early menopause!!

I hate everyone.

They probably hate me too .

I am very old.

And quietly misanthropic.

Fuckers.

I wouldn't know. I've always thought most people are dirtbags.

Since my kids gave me grandchildren, I love everyone. Blissed out. Really.

There comes a time in life when you really can smell the roses. So there is hope. Even for you, retiredgoth2.

And for those of you who are angry - channel it and change the world. I'll be guiltily cheering you on from the sidelines.

I want to be like GrannyOnABike.

What a fantastic thread.I'm from the "twunts unless otherwise proven" school myself.

I have always, unfortunately, been picky over friends. I have very few acquaintances but several close friends.

What has changed for me is that I no longer chase friends who don't put effort into seeing me. I am happy with 50/50 or even 60/40 but no more than that from me. Obviously if a friend is having a tough time I jump to it. but I have let a few friendships slide as I felt i was doing all the running.

Maybe that is about valuing myself more.

I don't feel the need to have loads of friends. I work mainly from home and see a few clients over the week too, but if I have at least one "date" a week with any friend, that suits me fine.

I'm a misanthrope too! I can even pick faults with my best mates!
Us humans are sadly imperfect. Apart from me of course!

How sad to be like that

I try to see the best in people unless proved otherwise.
And I work in a job where I meet the worst people in life.

That said once someone crosses me I find it difficult to go back.

I'm like that because I'm a cynical. I think I'm just secretly hurt by folk.

Yes, I am like you lots and people piss me off too. However, what has dawned on me seeing this thread is that if we all feel like this about eachother its must come across to other people and then just fuels it. IFYSWIM .

So really we are just bouncing off eachother then??

If we all changed our attitude towards eachother, surley then the confrontaion would lessen. I think ignorance as a young person is bliss as you tend not to see other peoples faults so much and yes as you get older you get battlescars and as one person put it and so are much less tolerant.

I guess at some point you mellow again. We all have to live and work together whether we like it or not. We need eachother, ie doctors, delivery drivers, till operators in tesco (unless you you self serve of course . Time out from eachother is a must, we are really a huge global family. I have actually felt relief when we have met other brits in a foreign country, makes you feel less isolated and in touch with home.

Very wise, Warbride.

Anger might be useful too, but it has to be channelled, I think, rather than a general feeling of grumpiness.

Also you can choose what you see in other people. It helps if you consciously look for the good in people and try to understand where they are coming from. I think that if I can spot some failing in another person, that's because it's probably in me too - so maybe by seeing good things in other people, you feel that you are a good person too. I haven't really worked it out properly, but I always feel better if I like someone. And I get disappointed if I don't.