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Original poster

Totally baffled by DHs reaction to this need someone to talk it through with.

44 replies

sweetkitty · 16/09/2010 20:10

So I got a text from DH today saying X phoned me out the blue saying Y had died then another saying I'm so upset Y was so young and such a nice guy. Now o actually thought it was another Y he was talking about until he phoned and told me who if was.

It is a guy he worked with 12 years ago and hasn't seen since. When he came in he had been drinking and had left his car af the station. He had previous issues with alcohol and very rarely drinks now. He is due to run a marathon next weekend and will hardly eats a biscuits as he is in serious training so alcohol is off the menu. He has brought cans of beer in with him as well.

He's been crying on and off since he came in and is obviously very upset. He has said I have been really uncaring when I said I understood as a friend of mine died last week of cancer and he said it's not the same as he has known this guy 12 years whilst I only knew my friend 5 and I knew she was going to die.

The thing is I know it is very sad when someone young dies bur am totally baffled as to why he is so upset if this guy was a close friend he would have kept in contact, I dint know if it is some sort of delayed grief from his mum last year or, I feel bad for saying this, an excuse to drink beer. I am naturally anxious when he drinks as he is an arsehole when drinking and has been abusive to me in the distant past.

OP posts:
Original poster
sweetkitty · 16/09/2010 20:10

Sorry for typos on iPhone

OP posts:
ilikeyoursleeves · 16/09/2010 20:13

Sounds like it may have triggered unresolved grief from his mum dying last year, it's not uncommon for that to happen, to not grieve then something similar set off a wave of emeotions. Try to talk to him once the beer has worn off, hopefully he will open up to you.

fluffles · 16/09/2010 20:14

sudden deaths can be more of a shock to the system in terms of your own mortality in my opinion.

i lost a university friend and then a work colleague, both in sudden accidents, neither were my 'best' friend but both were just a massive shock.

i think you'll find he's more in shock than mourning...
do you think he could be abusive tonight? hopefully he'll wake up tomorrow and be back to marathon training.

perfumedlife · 16/09/2010 20:17

I agree, it could be a reminder of his grief for his mum. Also, when peers die suddenly, it's a very real reminder of our own mortality. It doesn't matter that you haven't seen the person in years, in fact, that keeps them younger in your mind.

I am still shocked when i recall the young boy in my class who died aged ten of a heart attack. Something about the sudden death and the age really shocks you.

pinkbasket · 16/09/2010 20:18

He is upset, you shouldn't be questioning why. It is someone he knew and who has died young, it will be a shock. Being upset over a death isn't a competition.

Can you talk to him about how he is feeling after having some drink and remind him you will not take him being abusive?

I am sorry you lost your friend.

booyhoo · 16/09/2010 20:18

tbh i think it sounds like shock. when someone your age dies, it is a very harsh reminder that we are all going to at some point. it also could be a build up from his mum dying.

my sister's friend died in feb, to this day it still brings me to tears if something reminds me of her. i didn't know her that well but the fact that such a young person with so much life ahead of them can die is just inconceivable to me. i am actually geting upset now so i will leave the trhead but i hope you and your husband are able to be there for each other.

skidoodly · 16/09/2010 20:22

Well he's the one who made it into a competition by belittling the OP's attempt to empathise.

From previous threads this man is an alcoholic and this response from him is very unhealthy.

pinkbasket · 16/09/2010 20:24

I missed that bit.

Original poster
sweetkitty · 16/09/2010 20:25

Thanks for your replies, I guess I am a bit shocked about how upset he is really. When I tried to empathise by saying unfortunatey I know how you are feeling he bit my head off. This was someone I saw every week same age as me and leaves 2 children the same age as my older two whom I also see a lot.

I think it is a bit of delayed grief as well.

I am also sad that the first thing he thought about was walking straight to the pub.

OP posts:
skidoodly · 16/09/2010 20:56

I think you could be right about the excuse to go drinking.

I would be seriously upset and angry if my DH was so horrible and uncaring about my grief if a close friend died. To diminish your genuine mourning so he can indulge this ridiculous overreaction to the death of someone he barely knew is unbelievably selfish.

mathanxiety · 16/09/2010 21:04

He bit your head off because he's disappointed with himself for drinking and he knows you're upset about that too.

I think his mum's death is what's really going on here, as others have said. It's all telescoped. And he hasn't seen this colleague for 12 years? Has he been drinking on the quiet since his mum died?

Time to have a talk when he's sobered up and the dust has settled. Maybe ask him what he intends to do with the beer he's brought home though? Unless you're leery of him still.

HerBeatitude · 16/09/2010 21:09

OK a friend of mine is a recovering alcoholic and in the time she has been sober, her mother died and her aunt died and a friend she had known from years ago died. Big shock. Her mum and aunt weren't a shock, but they were sad - particularly aunt because when she died, friend realised that all that generation were dead and she was now the older generation. Also in that time, her dd got divorced, her other dd fell out with her and told her she would never see her again, she has been harassed and bullied at work and she has been diagnosed with a degenerative, incurable illness.

Not once did she head for the offy, because her sobriety is more important to her than anything else.

So in short, I think you have a problem here. Nobody has any right to tell anyone how they should feel about someone else's death; but a recovering alcoholic should not drink alcohol, whatever the cause. Those committed to their sobriety, don't.

Original poster
sweetkitty · 16/09/2010 21:11

Just seen he is on his second can, chances are in about half an hour he will be crashed out on the sofa:(

Whilst I do think he is genuinely sad and upset about his friend I think he is using it as an excuse for wanting a drink. I said to him when I saw the beer "I am not happy with this at all" he made out like I was being so uncaring and unreasonable for even questioning why he was drinking.

No he has not been secretly drinking I would most definitely know this is the man who gets up at 7am to run 20 odd miles at the weekend and runs most days too. Don't know if he will make it into work tomorrow either. The thing with him is the way he is after drinking it's like he is drunk for the whole day after acts so out of character. I cannot have this it is too selfish we have 4 DC including a non sleeping 4 mo baby I need his help with them.

OP posts:
HerBeatitude · 16/09/2010 21:16

Hmmm

And people who have alcohol issues they want to solve, don't do that alcoholic thing of pretending that you are being unreasonable by questioning their right to drink.

Original poster
sweetkitty · 16/09/2010 21:17

I wouldn't call DH a recovering alcoholic per se he is a person who has realised that he is a problem when drinking and has decided to try and not to drink again and usually manages it. I think he has had alcohol once this year before today.

He has annoyed me with this competitive grief thing like rubbishing my feelings as I had known my friend less time than he knew his. Yes I knew my friend was going to die for months but that didn't stop it hurting.

I think whatever I had said tonight would have been wrong and he was spoiling for a fight as he knew I would be pissed off for his drinking.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/09/2010 21:30

I think you are downplaying and attempting to minimise his drink problem, sorry

why would a bereaved person "spoil for a fight" unless they wanted an excuse to get shit-faced?

I wonder why you are ok in getting labelled as his fall-guy, the one he can blame his own fuck-ups on ?

perfumedlife · 16/09/2010 21:36

It seems he moved from one addiction to another, drink turned into marathon training. Would it not be better to face up to the fact he abuses drink. By that, I mean he is drinking to get shit faced, to fill some emotional void. That's never a good way to drink.

I agree it looks like he was spoiling for a fight. He seems too angry for this to be about his colleague.

Original poster
sweetkitty · 16/09/2010 21:39

I think he obviously knew I would be pissed off with him drinking so it was well I'm in shock I have a right and need to drink tonight.

I know it's very sad but I just cannot get my head around him with tears rolling down his face for someone he worked with 12 years ago and hasn't been in contact with since. I guess that's why I wanted to come on here and ask opinions.

I will talk to him about it once he is sober but wonder if he will use this grief thing to deflect from his drinking.

Very unusual for him to be drinking so close to a run it will bugger up his training schedule for at least 2 days now

OP posts:
skidoodly · 16/09/2010 22:03

No, he's not a recovering alcoholic.

Original poster
sweetkitty · 16/09/2010 22:06

Oh I don't think I have the energy to deal with this right now I have 4 young children to look after not deal with him as well.

He just doesn't get it that he cannot drink anything, at all, ever.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/09/2010 22:08

sk, go to bed and sleep on it, love

you must be exhausted x

Flighttattendant · 17/09/2010 07:13

I hope your night was not too bad and you got some sleep.. How are you now?

Fwiw maybe this marathon thing, and abstenance has all made him rather angry as well. Like, he's put all this effort into being 'good' and not drinking and this is the backlash. It doesn't surprise me that it's happened just in time to sabotage the marathon.

Part of him is saying, in his head, 'see, you are useless aren't you, I knew you'd never make it'

Alcohol dependancy is a really complex thing but also in a way fairly simple. He will be angry with you because to him, (the irrational part of him) you're on the side that doesn't understand, that doesn't let him have what he needs.

There is nothing you can do about this. However I would be suggesting to him that he actually starts going to AA. He's done very well if he really hasn't drank for this long, but it doesn't mean he can stop being an alcoholic because that doesn't go away. AA will help him keep it up.

AnyFucker · 17/09/2010 07:15

how are you today, sk ?

SpiritualKnot · 17/09/2010 08:14

He might well be grieving for his previous friend. My H's friend died in January, very sudden, banged his head on a cupboard and died the next day, aged 42. He only saw him once every year or so, but somehow were still close.

The death made him look at his own life and own mortality. He turned more to drink and started an affair. Our marriage has since broken down and we're getting divorced after 19 years of marriage.

I don't think I did anything to make him have an affair ec, I was very supportive, but nothing was going to stop it happening, it was like a roller coaster took him away from me.

Not saying this will happen to you, but it might make him act out of character and do whatever he really wants to do, whatever that is.

I've got no advice really, I thought my H needed space to work out his feelings, I thought I was being supportive, he just got nastier towards me though. I think just to to be aware that this may have had a huge effect on him and to be ready for it lasting longer than you expect. Don't make it into a contest of who's suffered the most from their bereavement.

I wish you luck with all this

SpiritualKnot · 17/09/2010 08:25

Sorry, shouldn't have put that last bit about "contest". Just meant not to compare each others grief as this may not be helpful to either of you.

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