Totally baffled by DHs reaction to this need someone to talk it through with.

[sweetkitty]

So I got a text from DH today saying X phoned me out the blue saying Y had died then another saying I'm so upset Y was so young and such a nice guy. Now o actually thought it was another Y he was talking about until he phoned and told me who if was.

It is a guy he worked with 12 years ago and hasn't seen since. When he came in he had been drinking and had left his car af the station. He had previous issues with alcohol and very rarely drinks now. He is due to run a marathon next weekend and will hardly eats a biscuits as he is in serious training so alcohol is off the menu. He has brought cans of beer in with him as well.

He's been crying on and off since he came in and is obviously very upset. He has said I have been really uncaring when I said I understood as a friend of mine died last week of cancer and he said it's not the same as he has known this guy 12 years whilst I only knew my friend 5 and I knew she was going to die.

The thing is I know it is very sad when someone young dies bur am totally baffled as to why he is so upset if this guy was a close friend he would have kept in contact, I dint know if it is some sort of delayed grief from his mum last year or, I feel bad for saying this, an excuse to drink beer. I am naturally anxious when he drinks as he is an arsehole when drinking and has been abusive to me in the distant past.

This sounds all a bit familiar to me. I agree with AF, I think you are minimising his drinking. My mum was an alcoholic and in the early days of her drinking getting really bad, she would get disproportionately upset about deaths of people whom she barely knew.

In fact I remember around the time that she began drinking in earnest her best friend's sister committed suicide. She had only met this woman once. Obviously she was sad for her best friend but rather than be supportive for her, my mum made a really big deal about being grief striken as if it was her own sister who had committed suicide.

The same thing happened a few years later when our elderly next door neighbour (with whom we were only on passing hello terms with) died of cancer. Again it was a big melodrama and she was soooo upset and sunk into drink and depression.

I guess what I'm saying in a roundabout way is that I think you're right; he's using it as an excuse to drink.

Maybe he is depressed and self-medicating with either drink or the endorphins he gets from strenous sport. Many alcoholics move their addictions to sport. Sadly many recovering addicts just turn to another addiction.

Thanks to everyone who asked how I was, I had my usual rubbish nights sleep, DS was up twice, DD3 once. He slept downstairs and lo and behold hasn't made it into work this morning, he is "working" upstairs instead. He couldn't have gone into work for the driving issue. I am annoyed with this as well as when I ask him to take time off for one of the DC it's a huge big issues but oh if he is hungover very suddenly he can have a day working at home

I have jsut come back in the house and he said "we need to talk" I said I will look forward to it and he tried to talk to me but typically after a night's boozing he isn't making that much sense and is using the classic detracting away from him drinking to "well are YOU happy in our relationship?" and started quoting things I said said earlier in the week about never sitting down, never having any time for each other.

Whilst these are things we need to talk about it's always after a nights drinking he wants to have this big "talk" which never really changes anything anyway.

I have told him time and time again I do not want to live with him whilst he is drinking and he has to chose the DC and me or the drink and he says he wants me and the DC, everything is fine for a while then he falls off the wagon and we start the cycle all over again. I think he knows I cannot leave for a variety of reasons so he knows he can continue to do this. He says "well I'm not as bad as I was, I can get myself home safe now, I don't go on 3 day benders etc" as if I am to feel happy about it.

Spirtualknot - what a horrid thing you are going through

I know what you're saying about the friendship being 12 years ago, but it's not that long. Honestly, the amount of times I think 'crikey! was that really 10 years ago'.

I think your dh is an alcaholic and, until he admits this to himself, these episodes will continue and get worse.

My best maid is an alcaholic, I have known for years, long before she admitted it to herself. She drank to get drunk, never just to enjoy it. She has some problems, sure, but don't we all. I will always remember her saying one evening, " I'm just going to have a drink of wine and then go to bed"

A drink of wine Surely a glass of wine? But she spoke of it as though it was medicinal and she drnak it as though it was water.

She has suffered heartfailure at the age of 43 and was close to being shopped to social services by her mil. She now doesn't drink and goes to meetings.

I think your dh needs to talk to someone.

oh yes he is an alcoholic, I caught him opening a beer upstairs at 12.30 today.

It led to a big argument conversation in which apparently it's because our relationship is rubbish and we don't have time for each other (and have sex obviously).

I said I want him to stop drinking completely and he says when he does (3-4 months at a time maybe more) nothing changes. He fails to see the classic alcoholic detracting from his problem by hurling mud at me.

We have 4 DC one a baby, no family support at all, I run myself ragged, have no time for a shower hardly nevermind anything else. To be fair he does 50/50 of the housework/childcare when not in work.

The thing is he thinks that I should just put up with his occasional binging, it's not a problem as it's not every weekend, he fails to see the damage once every 3-4 months causes to our relationship.

Total stalemate

Oh the episodes have got a lot less and a lot less severe, he has had counselling before as well, been to AA etc

some people might not think they are a problem but to me they are.

Just realised I spelt alcholic wrong all the way through that post.

Have you told him the marriage could end because of this?

It's not important that he might only drink once every three months. It's the addiction and the change in his behaviour and it unsettles everyone.

I'm sure you've came across social events where you just dreaded him drinking and making a fool of himself. It's no less important becuase it is you and the children on the receiving end. In fact, it's worse.

If you mentioned AA, or the marriage ending, what kind of reaction do you think you would get?

Missing work is a big red flag. My pal used to reassure herself she didn't have a problem as she was so professional at work (senior midwife) and never missed a day. What she didn't acknowledge was the gossip about her problem, the weight gain, the deteriorating health and state of her house.

A million excuses can be rolled out. But the one person you cannot fool is yourself. He just isn't ready to deal with it for some reason.

Frankly I think the drinking is almost irrelevant here (weird for a drug/alcohol counsellor to say )

He is an utter prick to you - he takes time off for hangovers rather than to help with the kids.

He rubbishes your feelings.

He uses alcohol as an excuse to opt-out of family life.

And I'm not sure I totally believe that 'everything is fine for a while' and then he starts drinking - it sounds to me like he does not support you properly and is rather selfish.

You run yourself ragged and often don't have time for a shower/ to be fair he does 50% of the housework and childcare outside of his work....

Sweetkitty the stress of this is killing you slowly. It may well be 'fine' for a few months, but you are waiting for the cycle to begin afresh each time a previous episode subsides.

It's time to lay it on the line for him. One of your priorities for the nest little while should be to work out how you could manage without him; when faced with the fact that he really might lose all he thinks is secure he may be motivated to admit he has a problem. You should take heed to PerfumedLife's post about the midwife too -- alcoholics tend to lose jobs eventually, and someone who takes time off work because of a hangover is going to be on the hot seat one day. He may have told himself he is indispensable at work, but alcoholics are really good at fooling themselves. You may need to seriously consider the possibility of a part time job or even full time for yourself.

I often think about what life would be like without him, how things would only have been different if I had kicked him out at various times.

Haven't a clue how I would manage a job with 4 young children, two in school, two not. My career is dead in the water so I am back to square one in effect and with no family would need childcare for FOUR children.

What someone said is true, doesn't matter how long he goes between these episodes I am crippled with anxiety over when the next one will be.

Things have improved and I know he does try but for me at least it is not enough. He seems to think that if it's only 3 times a year then it is not a big deal and that I am overreacting as some people drink most weekends/during the week. He thinks he is in control of this but he is not, he hasn't faced up to it at all.

Oh what a bloody mess.

So sorry you are feeling like this SK

I don't have much experience of working with alcoholics but FWIW I think what others have said is right; it's just an excuse to drink. I have a friend who is v v OCD and used to smoke like a chimney - when she stopped she took up running and she now runs 10/12 miles every morning and longer at weekends. Essentially one addiction has been replaced with another, albeit a much healthier one.

I do however have experience of working with people trying to deal with grief and trauma and I suspect that what has happened with his work friend was simply the final straw after a lot of different stresses. It's quite common - someone seems to be dealing really well after a big event and then months or years down the line something relatively small happens (e.g. forgetting to post something in time) and they just lose it, break down, can't cope. Or, in his case 'cope' by turning to drink.

Sorry if I'm pointing out the obvious, but it looks like you've got two problems - the problem of how to deal with him right now/this weekend and the longer-term one of his addiction and the impact it has on your relationship. Would he consider Relate or similar?

Hope this weekend is ok for you. I know you don't have family but can some of your friends help at all this weekend, e.g. taking the older three for a few hours to give you more of a chance to talk??

I could have written your post a year or two ago (look on the Support for Partners of Alcoholics thread and you'll see for yourself!)
My now thank God ex was exactly like yours. It got to the point when every time I heard any news, bad or good, my heart would sink because it would always be an excuse to drink himself into oblivion.
He didn't drink every day, but went on huge benders, causing chaos all over the place. He told me he wasn't an alcoholic because a) he didn't drink every day and b) he went to work, but the fact was that he was (still is) an alcoholic and the only thing he loves in his life is the drink.
It took 5 years for me to finally see the light and get rid of him, and its the best thing I ever did.
Have you thought about Al-Anon? They really helped me get through the worst times and its good to know your not alone.

Can't give any advice as my dh is also an alcoholic, but just to let you know I understand.
Its never as simple as just leaving/kicking them out is it?

me too. My STBExH does not drink every day, or always to Xs, But in the past he has been extremely abusive to me and the children as a result of substance abuse and I could NOT deal with the stress of him drinking at all.

The weekend I kicked hi out he went out with our 11 year old son. In London, at night. And got so drunk he could not stand up.

It IS a problem and sadly your H sounds pretty deep in denial

Hi lemon!
I remember you. Sorry to hear he fell off the wagon again.

Hi Ginny, He is a twat of the highest order! But he has used up his last chance and I have my kids and a future without him.

I see you have the same !!!

x lst

Against the grain here but my bil does this.

Any excuse to go out and get wrecked.