me-time vs. family time - expectations and reality

[emkana]

I read the thread about the husband not able to cope with an ASDA delivery during the football with interest - was amazed at some of the answers.
So I thought I'd start a new thread to find out more. So tell me, what is life like in your household, esp. at the weekend? In the emkana household the "default option" is that we spend the weekend together. We do a mixture of activities (swimming, walks, days out, shopping etc.), again generally all together. We also spend time just relaxing at home, with dh and me reading the paper or one of us at the computer or whatever, and the children playing. We don't have the TV on in the day, apart from when Formula 1 is on. This is basically due to me, if it was up to dh he'd watch other motorracing or other sports or whatever is on, but he defers to me .
It is definitely the case that if one of us wants to do something alone they check with the other if it's okay. I don't know if you want to call it asking for permission - I would find it hurtful for me and the dd's if dh just took himself off whenever he felt like it.
Am rambling now - but am v. interested how it works for other families. Do you/does your dh really just grab your/his keys and leave? Don't you agree how you'll spend the weekend together?
Find this fascinating and am hoping for plenty of responses!

[emkana]

Bump!
Do you sometimes look at a thread title you've written and think "How boring is that?"
Shame I can't edit it!

[hunkermunker]

Would never just grab my keys and leave, nor would DH.

Always talk about what we're doing at weekends, or during the week. Spontaneous sometimes, boringly planned other times. I work Sundays, so Saturdays are very precious to us! Today we have done various jobs around the house, been shopping and taken DS to the park - all together.

If we have things we want/need to do separately, we do them. But there's not an out of balance situation where one of us is out all the time and one of us is p*ssed off about it.

And since I MN in the same room as DH spends evenings, we even talk to each other sometimes

[marthamoo]

The nature of dh's job means that we don't get a lot of 'free' weekends - so when we do we spend them together. We try to go walking, and (since my lovely parents bought us family NT membership) we can visit NT places for free (not Tatton Park though - you still have to pay to get in )

Lest that makes us sound too idyllic - we also have weekends where we do bugger all and invarariably end up having a row! And today we all mooched around the house aimlessly til 3pm then took two protesting and grumpy kids into town to look at camping equipment.

And the very occasional weekend I go off and do my own thing - like a few weekends ago when I had a day's shopping and lunch in Manchester with a girlfriend. Now that was fun. But it really is once in a blue moon.

[marthamoo]

Oh yes - evenings we spend together. Dh is next to me tap tap tapping away on his PC, and I'm here on mine. We don't speak though

[coppertop]

On Saturday mornings I get a lie-in while dh gets up with ds1 and ds2. In the afternoon we either all go shopping together or dh takes one of the boys with him while I stay at home with the other. Today I was suffering with morning sickness so dh took both boys with him (not an easy job!) while I rested at home. In the afternoons ds1 and ds2 generally charge around the house while dh and I catch up with reading the newspapers or talk. On Sundays it's dh's turn for a lie-in while I get up with the boys. Sunday afternoon is the one time in the week when ds1 and ds2 are allowed to watch their Power Rangers videos so it gives us a little peace.

Neither of us ask for permission to go out but we do always discuss it with the other one first. Neither of us would just get up and go out and just assume that it was convenient for the other person to stay at home with the children.

[zippy539]

Situation here is a bit complicated due to me working from home. Basically Mon-Thurs I have the kids 'full time' till dh gets home from work then we do baths etc together. Fri/Sat/Sun all depend on how much work I have on. If loads then DH takes the kids, if no work then we usually spend one day doing something as a family (even just shopping, park etc) then 'split' the rest of the time. For example, Sat am, dh takes ds and dd somewhere while I get some time off, then I take them in the afternoon. It works pretty well - we both get a bit of time to ourselves to feel like we're not 'on call' (even if we use that time to do something 'domestic' like cooking or laundry - it's nice to have the space to do that stuff without toddlers hanging off your ankles ).

In short - relatively speaking, I get loads of 'off time' but that has always been our arrangement - having kids was a joint decision and any spare time we have is divvied up fairly - especially while dd and ds are so young and demanding .

[Pruni]

Message withdrawn

[jenk1]

As i am a SAHM and with the kids all week i usually get sat afternoon off, sat morning we have a lie-in and do the jobs around the house and sometimes go shopping then sat afternoon its me time , i get dropped off whereever-manchester or another town and get a couple of hours off to myself whild dh and the kids get the gamecube out and play on that all afternoon then when i come home the house is a tip and i think is it worth it ? but yes it is.
On sundays we spend it as a family and usually go out somewhere all together if dh isnt working.

[KateF]

I am a SAHM but do 2 mornings a week at school as part of course. I do all child related stuff and house stuff except when dh doesn't think it's good enough and goes on a mad cleaning spree. I never have time off - think I've got it wrong somewhere!

[colditz]

everything in our house works by "turns". we take turns to go to work, we take turns to do the housework, we take turns to out ds to bed, we take turns to go our, we take turns to "babysit".

All this is because when ds was tiny, dp took the piss bigtime. I woke up the day after I got out of hospital after having ds, and he had gone out for the day. We had a big fight about his selfishness, and I won't see a return of it.

I insist on getting time to myself. I go out once a fortnight with my friends. I am not about to burn myself on the stake of motherhood.

For all the mums who say your dps don't understand that you need time to yourself, tell them, then just do it. A lot of men pretend to be useless so they don't have to do anything.

[KateF]

It's not so much going out on my own that I'd like but for instance to be able to have a bath without taking the baby with me or to read for half an hour in peace or do some college work without constant interruptions. Trouble is the kids are so used to me doing everything with them that thay only want me. Even at w/e dh will want to do diy so I take the kids out to the park or wherever.

[edam]

Like emkana, default is we do everything together but dh and talk to each other if either one wants to do something on our own. For instance, I booked a haircut yesterday, told dh on Thurs when I booked it, he was fine with it. If it had been inconvenient I'd have changed it - but it was the first haircut for months. We've got a calendar in the kitchen where we write all appointments/social engagements so we can see what each of us or all of us are doing.

Dh lets me lie in both days if ds hasn't woken me up. Bliss - but I'm NOT a morning person and dh is so make sense. And think dh enjoys the time on his own with ds. Dh often takes a nap when ds does because he's often knackered after working all week - it's time for both of us to recharge out batteries and lie-ins suit me, naps suit him.

In the week, I work from home 3 days and have ds other 2 so I do most nursery drop-offs and pick-ups. Unless there's a specific reason why it makes sense for dh to do one, like I'm going out (once in a blue moon). Sometimes I work in London, commuting like dh, so then one of us does drop off and the other pick-up.

Would never think of 'asking permission' it's more like talking to each other to make sure arrangements suit both of us. And dh does do his fair share - we are a partnership. I used to get grumpy about dh never doing the washing up but since we got a dishwasher he's happy to load or unload. I do more tidying up and cleaning - if it was left to dh nothing would get done, he's the sort of slob who would leave his pants on the floor for weeks and never clean the bath or chuck out of date food. But we do have a cleaner one day a week to do a big tidy up/hoover and dust everywhere/clean kitchen and bathroom. Dates back to when we were both working long hours and commuting. Working from home = actual working so I'm not doing cleaning in my working hours! Dh does most of the cooking because he enjoys it. I think it works out about equal although dh was been working late every night for the last two months, getting home just as I'm putting ds to bed so have felt a bit put-upon about that.

[Jimjams]

We share. One takes ds1 out whilst the other looks after ds2 and ds3. Sometimes we try and go out for a walk together- we may try that later today. Yesterday was typical- I took ds1 to the beach, dh stayed at home with the other 2.

Sometimes we leave ds1 for about 4 hours respite and take the other 2 out somewhere "proper". Actually must book some more hours up. Occasionally my parents will have either ds1 or ds2 and ds3 and we do something with the remaining children.

I want to start taking ds1 + 1 other to a disabled swimming club with dh- mum has said she will have the other child some weeks so that we can do that. That may start to be a Sunday routine.

[triceratops]

~My personal gripe is that at weekends dh will not get up before me. No matter how long I attempt to stay in bed. Ds could be running up and down the street and he would just poke me to go and deal with it. He gets up at 6am every morning during the week and insists on having his lie in at the weekend until at least 10am. ( he wakes ds at 6.45 every morning to say goodbye so that is when we get up)

I am big and pregnant and I want breakfast in bed at least once before the baby arrives and I get no sleep at all for a year.

And he works every weekend and most evenings until after ds is in bed. which I can't complain about because I want our business to be a success. But this still leaves me feeling like a single parent sometimes.

[Jimjams]

neither of us gets "me" time because that would mean leaving the other with all 3 and it's just not possible really. But because we both know its not possible it doesn't really bother us and it doesn't cause arguments.

We are both of to London in November for a 2 day PECS conference - so mum and dad will move in to lok after all 3.

[Avalon]

triceratops - I think your dh is taking the mickey. Why, why, why does he have to wake ds in the morning?

And he neatly avoids ds's bedtime!

[compo]

We argue most weekends about this. Dh argues that as he has been at work all week he deserves 'me-time' at the weekends and therefore wants to spend the day in front of the computer, or reading or whatever whilst I look after ds. I argue that as I've spent all week looking after ds on my own I want to do family things. Sometimes we do, but I always feel guilty because I know he'd rather be on his own. I ask him to do his hobbies etc in the evenings when ds is in bed but he complians he is too tired from work. It is the main bugbear in our marriage and i don't think it will ever be resolved. I would love the sort of family where weekends are happily treated as family time.

[jac34]

We usually have a family day on Saturday, as we have stepDD with us as well.
Then Sunday DH usually plays golf. He tries to play early in the Summer so he can get home at 2 ish, and we can still do something as a family.
If he is playing later and will be out all day,I plan something for the DS's and myself to do.
He wanted to watch the match yesterday(don't have sky), so we all went to our childfriendly local pub. DH sat in the bar and watched footie, the
kids & I sat in the garden, they played with friends(there is a bouncy castle,play house, climbing frame and resident chicken)& I had a good chat and the odd glss of wine !!!

[marthamoo]

I would eviscerate my dh if he woke our sleeping child at 6.45 each weekday morning to say goodbye. Triceratops - you have to knock that one on the head - you need your sleep!

[crunchie]

We are a bit of a relaxed family. At weekends for the last couple of years I have had to get up to take the girls swiming on a sat, dh often has to work. Then it all depends, if DH is working the girls and I do stuff like shopping etc. I want Sunday to be a family but often dh is so knackered that he wants to chill while I want to DO!!

However we have lie-ins sussed (nearly) the kids are old enough to forage for food (!) and turn on the TV so we don't get up mch before 9.30 on a sunday. I love doin a cooked breakfast - this morning ate it outside like on holiday Right now dh has gone back to bed!! Kids have just finished watching Ice-age, one is dressed, ne is in PJ's. I am showered but not dressed, and we are thinking of going on a bike ride or to the beach this pm

[compo]

jac34 - that sounds the perfect compromise! I have resolved our issues for some weekends by working and therefore dh has to look after ds

[KateF]

6.45 would be a lie in! DD1 is always up by 6.15 and DD3 soon after. Saturday mornings I take the whole lot to DD1's swimming at 8.30 because it's too early for dh to get up. Then do shopping. Sunday I take them all to church but do get a quiet hour in church while they go to Sunday School/creche (if baby will stay in creche). I would love to take a Saturday morning job with a friend but dh does not want to look after kids.

[Enid]

emkana

our weekends sound identical to yours, even down to the formula one

[magnolia1]

Because dh works shifts and sometimes works weekends but with days off in the week, we don't have a routine as such and just go with the flo on a daily basis.
If I have plans to go out it's always when he is around so the kids stay with him.
He has a regular wednesday night playing footie with work and I Do aerobic dance on a Thursday night. I go out about once a month with my sisters of friends and get completeley rat arsed and roll in early hours of the next morning but as long as I am back he's fine with it
I have to kick him up the arse to get him to go out though!! He is a real family man so would rather be at home with the kids then down the pub
He likes a lay in on his days off but his lie ins are till 7/8am which to him is a lay in compared to his sometimes 4am starts. So in effect I still get a lay in like this morning he got up at 8am, I got up at 9.15am and had breakfast in bed

I make it sound perfect but it's not always been!! Its taken 14 years together to become so comfortable and in tune with each other so we don't have to even discuss arrangements anymore we just 'know' what the other one is doing and how it will fit in to daily life