Have 10 day old baby and dreading looming 3 week visit from mum and grandmother - advice please!

[SkaterGrrrrl]

My mum and grandma live abroad and when I found out I was pregnant they asked if they could fly to the UK to spend 3 weeks with us when the baby arrived. Well baby has arrived and is 10 days old and mum & grandma arrive this weekend. However now that the visit is looming I am dreading it. My mum is a very warm, bubbly person but she is incredibly messy and loud and I am super-tidy and quiet and I'm wondering what I let myself in for?

Perhaps it seems ungrateful as I know many women would love to have their mums to stay while recovering from labour; and if my mum was a practical or resourceful person I'm sure her help will be invaluable. But she isn't. She's the sort of person who (on previous visits) if she cant find a teabag will come and wake me up rather than search the kitchen or nip to the shops. I know she is going to make a ton of mess (example: when she used to smoke, she would just ash on any available surface rather than getting up and fetching an ashtray) and I'm not convinced she'll cook or help out with laundry or other chores.

Also, while I am a quiet type Mum is the chattiest person I have ever met, (example: on a 4 hour car journey with her she will literally talk non stop and when people stop responding to her, she will just keep up a running commentary of any thought in her head. When that runs out she will read aloud road signs and shop signs. She cannot sit in silence).

Anyway she is on her way here. DH and I live in a small flat and have converted the only spare room into a nursery. We will have to put mum & grandma in our bedroom and sleep with the baby on a sofa bed in the living room. We only have one bathroom with the loo in the bathroom and will now be sharing with 2 more people. My grandma is wonderful but she is 86, tires easily and is almost deaf so will not be able to help out with the baby or any cooking at all ? quite the opposite, I will feel I need to look after her.

With the post baby hormone crash I have been feeling grumpy even with DH who is a considerate, calming person so god knows how I am going to react to mum. I'm afraid I am going to snap and tell her off and hurt her, which I don't want to do.

So any advice on coping with mothers / relatives who drive you crazy?

Meant to say - if I could afford to book them into a local B&B I would happily do so, then they could see the baby every day but I wouldn't have them here all day every day. Unfortunately I cant afford it and nor can they. I do want them to spend lots of time with the baby.. its just the thought of being talked at 24 hours a day for weeks that fills me with The Fear!

Oh god, you are going to HAVE to book a B&B... can anyone in the family help you out with this?

This has disaster writ large all over it...

If you can't afford a B&B what about creating a routine which incorporates you having bits of time out atleast once a day?

So every morning after the breakfast chat has just about got too much, ask if they can mind the baby while you take your morning walk - as though it's a normal part of your routine - and get 20 minutes striding out on your own.

Then after the full day of chatting, realise that you have to nip to supermarket and ask your mum to have the baby while you pop out, anywhere really just to get little bits of head space. invent things if you have to just so you know you have your little spaces here and there. And warn your H that he may also need a bit of activity in the evenings to stop him getting stressed with it all.

The only time I ever slept in the day after having a baby was when someone in the family was staying - they must have thought I was so self-indulgent, but I just used to announce after lunch that I was off for my nap (with my baby!) and needed peace!

It does have disaster writ large. That is exactly how I feel!

Ooh the nap thing is a good idea. I can say I'm going to lie down with the baby and take the lap top with me and go on MN.

Inventing a daily walk / sudden need to go to shops are great ideas - any other thoughts on how to create pockets of sanity?

Oh and should I say something upfront like "Mum, I am going to try hard to relax my obsessive tidiness, and if you could try your hardest to be tidy during the visit maybe we can meet halfway?"

no, just ask her - to do the washing up, hoover the floor, hang out the laundry. and maybe look up some playgroups, just so you can take baby and get out the house for a bit.

Book YOURSELF a B&B!!

Be firm with anyone messing up your house, seriously. Now you are a mum, you have to become the matriarch of your own family.

That starts with managing the relatives.

Go for your nap when the baby is sleeping and tell you mum that you need her to do x y or z to tidy up while you are lying down.

She is there cos she wants to help. So think of meals you would like her to cook for you, show her the washing machine and how it works and make sure that she knows where you keep everything.

Be firm!

Maybe u can ask them to have baby for the evening while u and hubby go out for a drink/ meal. Make time for yourselves.
Maybr ask if they would mind if u went and had a pampering/ nails done/ hairdresser etc. It's only a one-off and u deserve it.

Have you got any friends or other family who could them up even if for a night or two to give you a break? Just wondering if it is worth asking around of friends and family if they know of anyone who is going away/needs a housesitter etc. even for some of their stay.

We did this when we renovating our house and ended up with a month in one place and a month in another. One person I just met and another was a friend of a friend. I wouldn't have thought this would have happened if a friend didn't suggest we did it.

OMG, you poor thing.

when you say "We will have to put mum & grandma in our bedroom and sleep with the baby on a sofa bed in the living room." I just thing make them have the sofa and keep your own bed! So what if they are older etc, if they are insisting on staying then they should not be kicking you out of your bed 10 days after giving birth!

not sure about the going out for a meal suggestion! Are you breastfeeding?

Also might be worth looking at hotel and chain deals on something like moneysavingexpert... sometimes they have things as cheap as £1 a night depending on where you. We did this for guests for our wedding and found a great deal that we booked for everyone. Thinking of you as three weeks is a long time so maybe you could give yourselves a week break in the middle....

The only way to make this work is to demand that your mother does things for you. Have plenty of maps ready with all the local amenities and tell her: "We need washing powder, this is where the shop is, please go and get it", "I need a prescription from the GP's, this is where the surgery is, please get it for me and then take it to the chemist which is over there." She may not be tidy, but she can load a dishwasher and washing machine presumably so get her to do that. Get her to hold the baby while you have a sleep. However bad she is, she is an extra pair of hands so use them - and presumably she will be so besotted with the baby (congratulations by the way), she will be happy to be left with him or her for a little while so you can practise counting to ten. Not much advice for what to do with grandmother - at least she sounds quiet. Does she have much influence over your mother? If so, get her onside and keeping an eye on her ready to have a word if she gets too much.

Yep, exclusive breastfeeding Fanjo.

Grandma is quiet (and very sweet) but doesn't like to interfere so wont have much influence on mum.

Cheap hotels - deffo worth a look, thanks lucy. Might ask around local mates to see if anyone needs a cat sitter - I could present that as mum helping out a friend (rather than me kicking her out) and she does love animals.

Playgroups are a good idea, oranges, or I could meet the NCT group for coffee.*

• a moan

Make sure you get her making "Mum's signature dishes", and that you've forgotten how to make it - can she show you again or she's so much better at it than you, but then nip off to the loo, or "remember" about some laundry you meant to deal with, and you might as well sort it now. I'm sure you can be more creative than that/make my jumbled thoughts fit your own situation!!

OMG. You poor thing. I can't do three hours, let alone 3 weeks.

You MUST have space. You must have time just for you so as someoone else said, every day, get thee to bed!!

With your laptop, mobile and a giant hunk of chocolate! Even is baby only has an hour, you have two!!

Fresh air is a must too. Make sure you can get out of the house.

I can understand you putting mum and gma in your room. Means you can have the lounge to yourselves once they have gone up. Spend some time the three of you.

You can ask her to shut up, in a nice way.....'sshhh mum, you'll wake the baby' and 'would you mind keeping your things in your room, just with all the babies stuff here, I don't want it to get damaged, puked on etc....'

This is YOUR house. YOU are the boss here. Just get them to help, keep them busy, especially mum if she gets under your feet.

The garden, the housework, anything to get rid of excess energy!!

I wish you all the luck in the world!

Firstly, get checking out those cheap hotels! If you can get them to stay elsewhere, do it at all costs!
Secondly, whether they end up staying with you or just visiting all day, you need to be honest and upfront about how you are feeling
-pysically
-emotionally
-about their presence
-if there is anything they are doing that is upsetting you in anyway.

I say the above after my experience of my mum coming to stay when DS was 2.5 weeks old. Unfortunately she has anxiety issues so staying in a hotel wasn't an option. She did absolutely nothing to help when she was here, wouldn't even wash a cup (we have a dishwasher but didn't know how to work it....), and was completely oblivious to how tired I and DH were, even though I'd had a c-section.
I just got angrier and angrier with her. I was never able to entirely articulate why to her, but on her second to last day spelt out how tired and sore I was so couldn't spend any more time out shopping (). She then became slightly more helpful till she went home. But not much!

So, set boundries, give her tasks, and tell her when she's starting to grate.
Good luck!

Your OP reminded me of my SIL coming to stay 2 weeks after DS2 was born - 'to help out' for a week. What a joke that was.

We would chat at breakfast and agree to go out for a walk after DS1 nursery drop, so I would then spend an hour getting DS1 off to nursery, feed DS2, get DS2 all ready in his pram for our trip to waitrose coffee shop - me all excited about my lovely latte with baby sleeping- then she'd say 'oh sorry, I'm not ready yet' and go off and blowdry hair, do make-up, phone her daughter and emerge atleast an hour later!! By which time DS2 was an hour nearer the next feed and nursery pick up time was beckoning.

She also did NO clothes washing/hanging on line until final day when I was and she said 'I would have done it for you but I didn't want to upset you!' FFS I am so far from a precious person. And she expected entertaining in the evening - she would almost 'get ready' for dinner, make up again, change of clothes! I just used to leave H with her and slink off for baby-settling duties/some sleep!

My advice is, as others have said, be clear from the start. Ask really nicely if she would help with washing/cooking right from the start.

Did your mum breastfeed at all? I found relatives of a certain generation that weren't encouraged to bf, or see their friends doing it, were harder work as they constantly questionned things like my need to sit down for hours for long feeds, or my pickiness with where we went in public as I would always want to be somewhere I'd feel comfortable feeding. I hope she's supportive of that as that can be really draining.

OMG, I don't mean to be rude, but are you insane.....?

Ummm - As soon as you have fed the baby, ask them to go for a stroll with bubba for half an hour.

Send them to the supermarket, shops, library, anywhere, just say that you will need them to go out for part of the day every day - they are on holiday, so they may feel the need to visit people / places for days out.

Also, they are parents, they have been there, they will understand I hope!

Suggest they take a long weekend away midway, visiting other family....

Good luck - my MIL came to stay as soon as I was out of hospital. I dreaded it but shewas amazing, cooked, ironed, melted away when I was on the phone/with health visitor / grumpy and took my DS as soon as I had fed him and jigged him round the garden.

Its your Mum - speak before, say you are a bit worried, and would they mind if they took a 'jolly' midstay, in say the cotswolds, Auntie Pam's ... anywhere!

Thanks everyone for the excellent tips. I really appreciate your advice.

Chunky, I know its madness! But they live abroad, its their first grandchild/ great grandchild and I felt I had to say yes to the visit. I have learned my lesson, believe me, and they haven't even arrived yet!

Ok visit but why 3 weeks with you? Why not 1 week with you and if they want to stay in the UK longer as jetlag from Oz etc then they stay elsewhere for 2 weeks? I'd have no room for 3 extra people for 3 weeks. I presume they go on holidays so not being able to fund UK accomodation for a week or 2 sounds unlikely.
If they must stay with you then lick them into shape re helping and make sure you keep stressing how you've just had a baby and are not running a hotel.

It sounds like a potential disaster. If you're still loking for a (very) last-minute excuse, how about a broken sofa-bed?

(Of course this only works if you have access to other comfy chairs for feeding/everyone sitting etc.!)

'Mum, you're not going to believe this, we've pulled out the sofa-bed and the springs have come right through it/it's completely mouldy (insert most believable Sofa Doom scenario) - we're taking the other one out of the way this morning, we're looking for a replacement but we'll have to wait for delivery (make it all sound like a total NIGHTMARE and you're racing round like a loon). We've booked you into a B&B so everything's fine for now...'

So, if you have the time and inclination to book them somewhere today, and store your sofa-bed somewhere...Naturally, the replacement sofa will have been ordered by the time they arrive, with delivery possibly within 28 days, only you didn't realise it would take so long when you paid...

Best of luck with whatever happens - and congratulations on your baby (mine is 8 months now )

Foot: that is a brilliant idea!