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Original poster

DS has had a public outburst at his dad over facebook

32 replies

Kushanku · 13/09/2010 18:10

DS1 has a dodgy relationship with his father. As he was growing up, his dad made it obvious he really didn't give a shit about him, he has pulled him down a fair bit, never been to any school plays, acheivement assemblys, sports competitions and never calls him or makes an effort with him. He has started to improve lately but DS is now 11 and I think its too late. He's totally turning against his dad, calls him all the names under the sun, begs me not to send him there, makes it obvious he doesn't want to be there when I do sent him and basically just slags off his father at every oportunity.
Tonight however, he went one step further and posted this on facebook:

"If you have nothing positive to say to me, shut the hell up and stop trying to bring me down just because I'm going to be more successful than you are".

Someone asked him who it was aimed at and he put:

"My dad, he pisses me off because all he ever does is pull me down, slag me off and act negatively towards me. Whenever I do anything good he doesn't give a damn."

Needless to say, his dad has seen it and is not too happy. TBH I can totally understand why DS is upset, he treats his girlfriends kids better than DS and once last year said he had no money to take DS anywhere and took his girlfriends kids to Alton Towers that same week. Lately, DS has been trying to get a positive reaction from him regarding the work he's done on the computer and his dad has shown very little interest. At the weekend, his dad told him he was big headed and that he will get beaten up one day for thinking he's better than everyone else. He then stood by and watched as his girlfriend launched a tirade at DS saying he's not as good as he thinks he is and will ammount to nothing as there are a million kids out there cleverer than he is.

So yeah, of course DS is pissed off but facebook wasn't exactly the best outlet for it. I've made him take it off but what now? surely its time this was addressed now?

OP posts:
mumblechum · 13/09/2010 18:14

I think your son did the right thing, actually, and that you needn't have taken it off. Obviously FB is not the ideal forum, but it got his dad's attention and it sounds as though that is unusual.

Your ex should be thinking about what he can do to build bridges. It's not your responsibility.

thesunshinesbrightly · 13/09/2010 18:39

Poor kid :( His dad is an arsehole..good for your DS hopefully his dad will realise what a twat he is being to his own flesh and blood.

diddl · 13/09/2010 18:41

Well, apart from an 11yr old having an FB account, I can´t see anything wrong in what your son did tbh-it seems his dad finally took notice of him.

I wouldn´t make him go to see his dad-he only gets abuse.

colditz · 13/09/2010 18:41

You shouldn't have taken it off. You've negated your son's emotions.

Hassled · 13/09/2010 18:42

Your poor DS. There's very little you can do except continue to give him the praise and validation he needs - neither you or your DS can make your Ex change. Possibly the FB thing will be a wake-up call.

Original poster
Kushanku · 13/09/2010 18:48

I told DS I totally understood why he did that and I agree with him but that facebook wasn't the best place to air private affairs. I've suggested he write his father an letter/email explaining why he's pissed off in a mature way but DS said "what's the point? he won't care" and tbh, he's probably right.

OP posts:
MoreCrackThanHarlem · 13/09/2010 18:49

Your poor ds
I am not surprised at his outburst, it sounds as though he has been treated appallingly by his Dad. Destroying a child's self esteem is one of the worst kinds of emotional abuse, imo.

If I were you I would allow your ds to make his own choice about seeing his Dad or not. To force him to continue with the visits will only cause more upset.

Hopefully you are successfully boosting his confidence and self esteem with lots of positive support and praise, and this will minimise the damage which his Dad has caused.

And get rid of the FB account. He is too young to have it and a war of words over the Internet will only make the situation worse

JustAnother · 13/09/2010 19:11

"begs me not to send him there" ??? and you still do? Why are you forcing your child to spend any time with such a horrible person? do you want his self esteem to be destroyed for ever? Your DS is taking it in a very mature way, but he's just a child. You can't leave him exposed to that sort of treatment!

mumblechum · 13/09/2010 19:15

BTW, so far as the law goes, if there's no contact order, you can stop contact without any legal fuss, although as a matter of courtesy you should explain the reasons to your ex.

If there is a court order then you can still suspend contact, but you should also make a formal application under the Children Act (the court has all the forms - it's a C1 or a C2 depending on circs), otherwise you'll be in breach, so far better to be pro active in getting contact either suspended until your ex can make an effort to fix the relationship, or indeed apply for contact to be revoked altogether (the court would be much more likely to suspend than revoke)

marenmj · 13/09/2010 20:00

DH's father is like this. DH has shedloads of moments in his life he can recount that sound a lot like your DS. He and his three siblings very much feel like their dad likes his 'second family' much more than his first.

FWIW, DH is 33 and these issues still rear their ugly heads, so I don't know if you can expect your 11 y.o. (whose life is in significantly more turmoil - and is headed for even more with adolescence looming) to deal with his dad in a mature way.

That said, he may find as an adult that his dad has some use and some contact, however minimal, may be useful - if only to remind him what kind of father he doesn't want to be Grin. Although I wouldn't tell him that, since he won't really appreciate the long view right now. Maybe best to tell him that when he reaches a set age (16? 18?), he gets to choose whether he has to maintain contact with his father - and warn his father about the agreement so that he knows he is on notice?

Having seen the damage done by a well-meaning, but er emotionally dim father, I feel acutely for your DS. Best of luck.

pinkbasket · 13/09/2010 20:02

I think you were wrong to make him take it down Sad. He is entitled to his opinion and you making him take it down just tells him he isn't allowed to say how he feels.

LittleMissHissyFit · 13/09/2010 20:25

Absolutely YANBU.

Aside from him having FB at 11, you were right to ask him to take the comment down.

It's dirty linen that doesn't need to be aired in public. he needs to learn that, not that he has a free reign (at 11 Hmm) to literally say and do what he pleases. That IMO is a privilege that comes when he reaches adulthood. With freedom comes responsibility.

That said, face to face, given the circumstances, he has every right to say what he feels to his dad. and if he no longer wants to see the man, he can definitely refuse to go.

I understand the statement that perhaps in future this bloke may be of better use and contact being useful... I'll be willing to bet that if he is tearing the boy to shreds at 11, it'll only get worse, and if he allows a GF (FFS!) to talk to him like that without so much as a silencing look, then it's highly unlikely this guy will ever be a positive influence. He sounds like a dead beat to me.

Encourage the boy to be as independent and to work as hard as he can to be able to look down his nose at that idiot he has for a father.

Poor you, you must feel so sad for your boy, he sounds very intelligent and focussed. Good luck to you both!

nameymcnamechange · 13/09/2010 20:32

You need to teach him about discretion and privacy. The facebook generation think it is fine to share anything and everything with everyone they have ever met. It doesn't take a genius to know this cannot end well.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 13/09/2010 20:59

kushanku i'm in exactly the same boat as you with an 11yr old ds1 whose relationship with his dad has completely broken down

i think that you have done the right thing in removing the message off FB,despite your son's need to make himself heard
in our case ds simply reached the point where he could no longer cope with spending any time whatsoever with his dad
(he had suffered severe EA)
i had tried everything to keep things going even arranging for them to talk things thru earlier this year
but exh true to form didn't take any of this on board, and ds ended up telling him to his face that he no longer wished to see him a few months ago, and now his siblings go separately whilst he remains with me
it's a horrible situation to be in it truly is,but all i can say is try if you can to sit the two of them down to talk
if this fails then the right thing to do for your ds is to respect his wishes
and please remember that none of this is your doingSmile

NotAnotherBrick · 13/09/2010 21:13

Why do you make him go there? Please don't. Sad

dignified · 13/09/2010 21:25

I can see why your sons so angry , good on him for saying so ( although facebook wasnt really the way to do it ) , it shows he doesnt accept this as normal adult behaviour and expects more . Good.

I would end the contact if he doesnt want to go for now , but id leave it open if he changes his mind.

lazarusb · 13/09/2010 22:18

Can you give your ds a big hug from me? I think he did the right thing. My son was 20 when he finally told his dad what he thought of him, it was a long time coming. His dad has actually started making a bit more of an effort as a result of this.

msboogie · 13/09/2010 23:02

Why are you forcing your child to spend his time with such a horrible person against his will?

IseeGraceAhead · 13/09/2010 23:20

I'm rooting for DS, too! I disagree that being made to shut up about your feelings is a good thing. Are you compelled to send him to his dad's? If not, then how about respecting DS instead of sending him over there to be put down?

GetOrfMoiLand · 13/09/2010 23:24

I am in two minds about letting the comment on FB stand - I think he is too young fir FB certainly, and too young to have his airs viewed by all and sundry.

But DON'T make him go there to be bullied. Stand up for him in real like, not on facebook.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 13/09/2010 23:35

I don't understand why you are making him spend time there - surely you are just giving his father opportunities to put him down and upset him further?

I would let your DS decide if he wants to continue to have contact with him or not.

MrsFlittersnoop · 14/09/2010 00:13

Agree that 11 is too young for unmoderated Facebook activity. But this is a separate issue to the contact problem.

Your son is old enough to have his feelings respected. He needs to sort this out with his Dad. And I'm appalled that dad's girfriend is being allowed to butt in - that IMHO is totally unforgiveable. You are entirely justified in limiting contact until this is resolved.

And re. the Facebook thing:

Your DS needs to understand that FB can be viewed by almost anyone, including employers. Whatever the rights or wrongs of the situtation, your ex is entitled to not have his personal family affairs broadcast in public.

IseeGraceAhead · 14/09/2010 01:37

Mrs F, an 11yo (who shouldn't be having a Facebook account, but still) is most capable of sorting out his privacy settings. I agree it's a good idea to point out possible implications, and to give guidance on appropriate settings for his wall & personal details. But it is a useful social tool - I'm in favour of letting him use it for self-expression like this, and introducing him to boundary control at the same time.

lostFeelings · 14/09/2010 01:43

at 11 I knew whether I wanted to keep in touch with my father

let your son decide

and also tell him he is allowed to change his mind
and you stand by him

try and direct his anfer and frustration into something positive - if he wants to show his dad he's better than hime - there are many ways to do it :)

Original poster
Kushanku · 14/09/2010 06:17

I make him go because I'm frightened his dad will apply for residency if we piss him off. His girlfriend has apparantly looked into "all the money they'd get" if DS lived with them as well as the fact that he'd save on maintanance and actually receive it from me.
I know he wouldn't win a court case but the thought of it frightens me.

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